I writes sequels for Tori Angeli. Cuz her thumb doesn't like her and is all...ACE Bandage-y. An idea brought to you by Tori combined with Jeegoo.

Disclaimer: Okay, considering my track record, I probably wouldn't take it even if they offered it on a silver platter xD

Michelangelo had always thought that if he went to hell when he died, it would be a more typical fire and brimstone type of thing. Few demons, maybe, and a never ending stream of white noise in the background. All the basics would be covered and he'd suffer for all eternity for whatever reason.

It had now been seven weeks, two days, fifteen hours and four minutes since he'd discovered what hell truly was.

Hell was being told to watch cartoons when, by all rights, he should have been training. It was not being allowed to go topside without a brother to use as a rape deflector. It was April, assuming he would be oh-so-thrilled by the prospects of slumber party makeovers. It was mystical unicorn forests and flower petals being sprinkled around his room.

As such, his very existence was hell. More accurately, waking up as a sparkling, whimpering, doe-eyed, giggling princess and not being able to do anything about it was hell. All of these things and more!

What was worse, perhaps, was that he was pissed and wallowing in angst and his only out-letting options were to cry or to pout. One can only imagine the difficulty of such a choice for a once rather masculine turtle.

For the record, he had chosen to cry. And even his fucking tears had found a way to be less manly.

His family- not that he felt he wanted to refer to them as such for much longer- seemed to take notice of the increasing frequency with which he pondered if suicide really was painless, and immediately sprang into action. 'Action' meaning that they first tried to bribe him with pizza, candy and coloring books. The effort fell flat and so their next logical course of action, of course, was to plan a vacation to the Nexus.

Despite the fact that it wasn't a damned resort, it was in fact an arena in which the Battle Nexus was held- the Battle Nexus, which he knew for a fact he would never. Win. Ever. Again.

He visited his statue and sobbed bitterly over the lost past, not knowing that this would lead to yet another demeaning adventure, which he had lately noticed was simply standard for him. It was horrifying. The tears staining the fabric of his kimono fell for several reasons: they were partially for his lost testosterone, partially because he'd stubbed his toe several minutes earlier and partially for his poor, poor sensei, who had become so senile that the thought of sending his son out in a kimono was perfectly normal to him.

It was in the Hall of Champions that Usagi found him and was immediately struck silent by his incredible beauty and aura of purity. As these things usually tend to go, he also immediately fell into passionate, true, protective love! with the turtle.

Go figure.

Ever the gentleman, he made his approach subtle. "Pardon me," he said. "I have just made it my honor-bound goal to spend the rest of my life with you, and it will be rather difficult to achieve if you are crying- is there any way I can help you, madam?"

Michelangelo whipped around with a vengeance and proceeded to flail. "I am not a woman!" He screeched dramatically. "It's one thing to go around getting called a girl by a bunch of random dudes, but I've met you before! You've stayed at my house! I'm not a female! I'm not!"

Usagi tilted his head to the side. "You are sparkling. And wearing a kimono. And projecting an aura of untainted innocence. And wearing a kimono."

"You said kimono twice."

"I thought it was relevant. My apologies then, Michelangelo-chan." There was a brief pause, then: "You, ah, look lovely today."

As Mikey prepared to open his mouth and emit more whining about the honorific and the ridiculous statement, he heard the tell-tale approach of his brothers and decided to give up altogether. They served as a timely reminder that fate hated him and would only see him shot down.

"Mikey, there you are!" Donatello cried concernedly as they rounded the corner. "You shouldn't go running off like that, you scared us half to death!"

"It's true," Leo added somberly. "Without your lighthearted antics to distract me, I trained myself into a coma and there's almost no chance of recovery."

"And I drank myself to- almost to death, I guess- then I committed suicide," slurred the inebriated Raphael. "Or, wait. Never mind."

"Your presence is the light that keeps us from falling apart as a family. If I hadn't been closed up in my lab inventing this purity-tracker we all would have been utterly lost," Donnie said, gesturing with the piece of equipment in question. He glanced over to his little brother's companion. "Oh, hi Usagi."

"Donatello-san. Raphael-san. Leonardo-san." With all of his polite honorable bowing and shit out of the way, he smiled. "I was just requesting that Michelangelo spend the rest of his natural life with me, as I am forever in love with his innocent spirit and carefree attitude."

"Of course y'are," Raph said understandingly. "All of us are. Secretly. Deep down inside. 'Cause he's so fragile 'n stuff."

Leonardo looked between his friend and Michelangelo before very decisively pulling said brother behind him. He leaned forward until there was only an inch or so of space between their faces. "I know the game you're playing, samurai," he hissed venomously. "Don't think you're fooling anybody here."

"Game?" Usagi asked, nonplussed.

"You're a rabbit," came the loathsome reply. "And rabbits are only after one thing. Well I refuse to let you deflower my innocent brother only to leave him in the dust! I REFUSE IT!"

"De-flower?" Mike asked incredulously. "De-flower?"

"See, he doesn't even know what it means! You would just break his heart and then I would have to have Raph kill you in a dishonorable manner because he's so delicate!"

"Break his heart?" Usagi asked just as incredulously as Michelangelo had. "Leonardo-san, I would never dream of doing such a thing. My love for your brother burns with all the intensity of the brightest sun. It is so pure and true that it would shatter your very psyche should you attempt to comprehend it. He would be forever safe and cared for and I would later die very happy, surrounded by our strange yet beautiful hybrid-children and grandchildren."

"He's not having your ass-babies!" Leonardo positively shrieked, eyes going wide.

"I'd say it wasn't physically possible, but I'm sure I can find some kind of half-assed scientific excuse to make it so," Don mused quietly. He was ignored in favor of fighting for Michelangelo's virtue.

"That is his choice, Leonardo-san. Not yours."

Mike, seeing his cue, stepped forward and gave Usagi a once-over. "Would you make me wear a kimono, too?" He asked quietly, sparkles rendering him hopelessly appealing.

"Not if you do not wish to."

Michelangelo leaped into the arms of his new true love. "Take me, dude. I'm so yours."

An Epilogue (almost):

At some point in time in the future, Michelangelo found himself called away from the lifetime companion he'd desperately thrown himself at in order to battle with the Shredder.

Or rather, to watch as his brothers defended him from the Shredder. He'd brought snacks, though, so it was alright. It happened, as it often did, that the Shredder broke through their well-planned defenses and made his way over to the one being defended.

"Michelangelo," he sneered in an indisputably evil manner. For a moment, he was fully prepared to strike the harmless turtle down in a very bloody manner.

But hark! He paused mid-swing. "Are you...sparkling?"

Mike sighed. "Yeah. It's kind of my thing now."

"I see."

"Good job."

"You, ah. Look very lovely today."

The sequel ends har.