Anguish
by poopaw
The inevitable happens unexpectedly, just as Rachel is packing up the last of her sheet music in the choir room. She hears a throat clear by the door and looks up to see Noah Puckerman, looking immaculate in his uniform. He appears to be a little uncomfortable but she can see the determination set in his eyes.
"Noah," she places the sheets of paper in her bag before angling her entire body towards him, showing that he had her entire attention. "What can I do for you?"
Rachel hates to admit that she doesn't know a lot about what's going on in Noah's life now. They have never really been the closest of friends but she considers him an ally most of the time. After all, he's always had a soft spot for her, claiming that their Jewish heritage and impressive good looks need to band together (she's pretty sure that adult Puck doesn't mean that in a sexual way but she certainly can't say the same for teenage Puck).
"I wanted to talk to you," she watches him stride inside the choir room and once again, she's surprised at how much Noah's changed since joining the Air Force. What once was an intimidating delinquent (but overall, Rachel's quick to correct herself, quite sweet and just often misunderstood) is now a dignified young man.
She takes a seat on one of the chairs and watches him pace back and forth for a while. Rachel knows Noah enough to give him time to string his thoughts and make them as coherent. And she doesn't really have anywhere to be at the moment (Kurt is having dinner with Burt and Carol, Blaine is probably with Karofsky, and she's trying as much as possible to avoid Sam after their kiss).
However, she hits a bump when they pass the three-minute mark with little to no words coming out of Noah's mouth. He's stopped pacing by this point, simply just standing in front of her with an increased level of broodiness that rivals his teenage years. Rachel could feel her self-restraint waning and if he doesn't take it upon himself to start now, then she's going to launch.
"Noah," she warns.
The tone of her voice seems to have jogged him out of his own little world and she watches him take one more deep breath before coming out with "I want to talk about Finn."
"Oh."
Rachel feels herself pale a little because of all the things she expected him to stay –
My mom wants us to go to temple together
I think that that new kid Spencer could have been me if I were gay
Jake wants to go back to join the glee club
I may or may not have accidentally impregnated Quinn again
– wanting to talk about Finn was at the bottom of the list. It's not as if she hadn't thought about approaching Noah after Finn passed away because she had. However, when she had flown to Lima to see the little tribute the new glee club kids made for Finn, she just didn't have it in her to confront all of her demons.
By the time Noah came back and she was somewhat healed, Rachel simply felt uneasy to reopen old wounds. With someone as volatile as Noah Puckerman, sometimes it was best to let the monster sleep. However, now seeing the trouble in Noah's eyes makes her feel a little bit guilty for brushing their inevitable talk aside.
Perhaps she should have known better. After all, Noah and Finn were best friends since they were babies. If anybody could understand the loss that she had gone through, it would have been Noah.
"I can't keep it in anymore and I don't know who else to talk to," it looks like it physically pains him to admit his weaknesses to her. "I need to talk about Finn and I can only do it with you."
It's been a little over a year since his passing but there is not a day when she doesn't think about him. But that's the thing, Rachel realizes, she keeps her thoughts and memories of Finn to herself. Every night, before she falls asleep, she talks to him.
Am I going the right path, Finn?
The new Glee kids are amazing, you would have loved each and every one of them.
I kissed Sam. Funny, right?
I miss you.
And the problem lies in the fact that Finn deserves to be talked about. His life should be celebrated and remembered. Of course, they have the right to move on. But, Rachel realizes, moving on should mean moving on from the sadness and the grief. Moving on doesn't mean avoiding Finn as a topic because his memories bring only anguish – that's impossible because he had touched and brought plenty of joy to so many lives. She shouldn't keep the happy memories of Finn to herself. That would be a disservice to her angel.
Rachel knows she needs to talk to Noah and face his grief before they can fully move on and celebrate their fallen hero.
"Okay," she nods swiftly, like a woman on a mission. "Where do you want to start?"
Rachel watches Noah's posture lose the tenseness she had admired just a few minutes ago. She shifts a little on her feet because she's unsure of how to proceed. Rachel feels like she's poked a hole in his awfully engineered protective dam that he built after Finn's passing. And much to her chagrin, she's uncontrollably matching each shallow breath he takes with a new crack.
Rachel feels her chest tighten. It's painful to witness this part of the grieving process because she distinctly remembers how each of her own cracks felt as she fell apart.
What should I do, Finn?
"I just – I thought it would go away but I still miss him –
Every.
Single.
Goddamn.
Day –"
Rachel pulls at Noah just as his voice breaks, her arms immediately wrapping the shaking body. She's grasping onto him tightly, hoping beyond all odds that her strength could keep the water in.
"Just let it out, Noah," she whispers.
And like a dam unleashed, he does.
AN: It's always daunting to write Rachel no matter what the topic is, but more so when Finn is involved. Death is very tricky and you want to bring justice to all characters. I hope this does.