Title: Late Goodbye
Author: Bluehaven4220
Summary: "I cannot love her as I loved you, Lily." HG/SS one-shot. Inspired by the song "Late Goodbye" by Poets of the Fall
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine, merely borrowing
Reviews: Considering this is my first Harry Potter fic, reviews are very much appreciated.
A/N: Okay, I was listening to the song "Late Goodbye" by Poets of the Fall, and the idea came to me. Severus Snape is caught between the love he has for the deceased Lily (Evans) Potter and the love forbidden between himself and Hermione Granger (for all intents and purposes we shall assume that Hermione is of age and Snape is not dead).
If you have not read the Deathly Hallows and do not want it spoiled for you (though I admit they are quite small), then I suggest that you do not read ahead. You have been warned
The quill scratched almost noiselessly against the parchment as Severus Snape sat awake, unable to sleep. It started with one name, one which would be imprinted on his soul forever.
Lily,
Though I know that you will never read this letter (in fact I may burn it whilst I finish writing it), I need to write this down, otherwise I will never say what I have always meant to say.
My cross to bear has always been the fact that I could not bring myself to tell you how I loved you.
From the moment I met you, I saw a bright, young girl, with lovely red hair and ilumminating green eyes, eager to learn as I was. The first time I told you about doing magic outside of Hogwarts, your face dropped and you looked as though you were being condemned to death.
When the prophecy reflected upon you, and the Dark Lord marked you for death, all colour drained from my face.
I knew that it was through my actions that you were marked.
It was through my actions that I pushed you away. When James Potter humiliated me that day, and I spat out the word that I have come to despise...
'Mudblood'
What a horrid insult.
I never thought that it would strain our relationship so, or that I would lose you forever.
My ill deeds can never be undone, as I am sure you understand.
My Patronus still takes the form of a doe, same as yours, because I can not bring myself to love her as I have loved you.
The day your son came to Hogwarts (he has your eyes, Lily, how beautiful they were to me), she came with him. Book smarts and ten word answers when three would do, (though I came to see this as arrogance), she was the brightest witch in her year.
Though there is over a twenty year age difference between herself and I, I seem to find myself drawn to her.
But she can never take your place.
The day she came of age was the day she cornered me. There was no sexual connotation between her and I, she merely wanted to speak with me. What is the harm in a Professor to student conference?
This was the day she admitted to me that she did not feel for the Weasley boy as had been previously thought.
Bright as she was, she did not seem to understand that I could not and would not return her feelings. No matter that there is over twenty years between her and I, I simply cannot bring myself to let you go.
You meant the world to me, Lily Evans.
And I was fool enough to utter that word and let you slip through my fingers.
It is not only to protect your son (as I have sworn to Dumbledore), but also herself that I must distance myself from her. As much as I would love to hold the girl close and calm her fears, I feel as though it is a betrayal to you.
There is nothing I can do to apiese the situation.
Hermione Granger has grown into a courageous, beautiful young woman, and I am finding her more difficult to resist.
All I need to hear from you are three words, Lily... three words, and all that I have done will be worthwhile.
"I forgive you."
The one thing I never heard from you was the phrase 'I forgive you.'
In forgiveness, is there not relief from guilt? It is my cross to bear, the guilt of knowing that it was I that left your son Harry an orphan, left to be raised by Muggles who want no more to do with him than I with James Potter.
It is with great resistance that I protect Harry, but I do it for you.
It is with an insurmountable amount of guilt that I admit to you that I find Hermione Granger beautiful. In all that I have done, I must live with the fact that she is so like you, and that you will never return to me.
And I must live with the fact that I write this letter to you from my bedchamber, Hermione Granger lying asleep in the bed beside me. She is as beautiful as you when she sleeps...
Why do I feel that I have betrayed you?
Severus
And with the quill lifting from the parchment, Snape tapped said letter with his wand and set it alight. Everything said and settled, never to be witnessed by another's eyes. Upon its disappearance, he laid back down amongst the blankets, turned on to his side, and held the girl he felt guilty to be lying beside close.
Soon after, sleep overtook him.
Dreamless it may be, but the guilt will always be there.
As long as he lives.