Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter nor its characters and world, it all belongs to J K Rowling.
1. When everything is simpler and you boast about being brave
September 1st is a day you remember with love, specially the first September 1st you go to Hogwarts.
You remember Hugo by your side talking non stop (a nervous habit of his), but you're calm. When he asks you which house you think you're going to, you don't hesitate to say Gryffindor.
"The house of the braves" you add with a big smile in your lips.
Hugo nods and starts talking about the house's history ("I read the whole book last night" he says) you just hear him without paying attention, thinking about the incredible life you will have in Hogwarts.
Hours later, the Sorting Hat screams "Gryffindor" over your head and you run to the red table and sit beside James, a big smile in your lips (minutes later Hugo sits at the Ravenclaw table, but even that can't mitigate your happiness).
That night you don't write to your parents, you write to Dominique, talking to her about how you not even a second were nervous or scare. You tell her you wish she was there with you, too.
You sleep with a smile in your lips and wake up the next morning feeling invencible.
2. When you don't want (but have to) share her.
Your second year is not what you expected. Dominique is finally there with you and was sorted to Gryffindor, but there's something you didn't think about; there's a lot of people in Hogwarts and you have to share Dominique with her new friends.
She's not your Dominique anymore, and it's not DominiqueAndLily as you were known in The Burrow, it's just Dominique, and Dominique and lily, with a deep space between you two (alright, maybe you're being dramatic).
Now you see her in the hallways with lots of people around her and you don't get how a first year can be that popular, but you can't complain, your quite popular too, Weasley's charming, you suppose.
Everything is solved with one of those smiles of her and a day a week for just the two of you, and you could not ask for more.
3. When all the girls talk about is dates and boys and you don't get the excitement.
Third year comes fast and Hogsmeade comes with it. Your roommates goes on and on about dates and boys and more dates, you hear them with no interest 'cause sure, boys are cute ("and girls are too" adds a voice in your head) but there's no one interest enough for you.
"You have to like someone" Anne, your best friend, says, with a frown.
You shake you head no "Boys are okay, but there is no one I like" it feels like you've said it a million times.
Anne doesn't understand, you see it on her face, but you both drop it. You get ready for your day with Dominique, today you should go to Hogsmeade, but all your friends have dates and you don't want to be the third wheel, so you're going to spend your day at Hogwarts with your blonde cousin, it's okay, though, you adore Dominique and wouldn't want to spend your day with no one else.
(You feel something on your stomach and your chest when you're with her, but you don't know what it is, so you just try to ignore it).
4. When everybody decides who you like and you don't know how to say no.
You like Lorcan, or at least that's what everybody's saying.
You spend hours with him, he is nice and cute, but you don't think you like him. Everybody says you look cute together and you blush 'cause you don't know how to react. Everybody takes it as a yes and goes "Aww", laughing. Everyone but Dominique.
"Do you like him?" She asks you one night.
You frown, trying to think how do you feel when you're with him.
"I don't know" you finally answer, there's something in Dominique's expression bit you can't put your finger on it, so you ignore it and go on "he's cute but I don't think he's my type".
Dominique nods her head, thoughtful, and then asks "what is your type?".
"I don't know either" you mumble, and you feel silly, what kind of fourteen year old girl doesn't know her type? "I don't even know how to know if I like someone" you laugh humorlessly.
The blonde is silent for a while, and when she speaks again, avoids looking at you "It feels like... you want to spend all your time with them, and you just want to talk, touch or just look at them all day. Your heart beats faster and you feel something on your stomach every time you see them and you just want to grab their face and...
Dominique shuts her mouth abruptly, she has a strong blush on her cheeks and avoids looking at you. You don't understand. You think for a moment that maybe she likes someone but for some reason you can't bring yourself to ask her. Instead you think about what she said, and it's funny, 'cause everything she said fits with how you feel when you're with her, but you don't like Dominique, you don't...
Oh.
The next day, Lorcan asks you if you want to be his girlfriend, and you can't bring yourself to say no.
(You can't bring yourself to look Dominique at the face when you tell her you have a boyfriend now, either).
5. When you think you could get used to him but your hands fits perfectly with hers.
You have been with Lorcan for a year, you think hi could be happy. He's sweet, romantic, loyal, he's the perfect boyfriend, but it's not what you want. You don't know what do you want either, but it's not him, you don't have the heart to say it to him, he's your best friend and you're afraid you might lose him, so you wait for when you get used to it, for when you get used to his thin lips and tough hands, get used to his long arms and height difference, his short hair, baby blue eyes and perfect skin. But that doesn't happen.
And you can't help but fantasize with something different, with a different blond hair, lighter, softer, longer, with a body slightly shorter than yours, with soft and small hands, with flecked skin, with green eyes that change with the light. And before you notice it, you're fantasizing with Dominique.
Now you avoid her at all costs. You don't want to see her, if you don see her, you'll move on, you'll move on from it, whatever you feel for her, that you do not want nor must feel 'cause she's your cousin and it's wrong. So now you barely talk to her.
That's why you're so surprised when that Christmas Dominique takes you away from your family. She takes you to the backyard. It's cold and it's snowing, so you get close to her (to keep you warm" you excuse yourself). You hesitate before looking her at the face.
And she looks oh so beautiful that you forget how to breathe, it's that kind of beauty that hurts. You're so busy admiring her you hardly notice how nervous she is.
She goes back and fort over her feet and doesn't even look at you, so you can't admire her eyes in the darkness. She hesitates for a while before finally start speaking.
"I have something to tell you" she says it so low you almost miss it, then she looks at you, her eyes are grey now and god, they're so beautiful.
The blonde sits on the cold floor, you sit beside her, so close your body touchs hers. Your heart starts beating so fast and strong you think she can hear it too. You both sit in silence for a couple of minutes, you think about how this is the first time you're alone with her since Lorcan's your boyfriend, you think how she must feel about it, for the first time you think how she was - is - your best friend and you just left her with no explanation.
If it's been hard for you to avoid her, she must have felt worse for being ignored, and you regret how you've behaved with her, how selfish you've been, so you take her hand and intertwine your fingers, silently trying to make her understand you care, you're sorry and you love her. More than you should, you add bitterly.
Dominique jumps by the contact but doesn't take her hands away from yours, that relieves you, you couldn't handle being rejected by her.
Dominique admires your intertwine hands while she speak "There's something I've known about me since a long time, since forever, I think" she laughs nervously while caressing the back of your hands, you smile almost imperceptible "I've always felt... different, you know, my friends always talk about boys and I don't understand why they like them, at first I didn't know why" she speaks slowly and looks at you, still caressing your hands, you're quiet, waiting for her to keep talking "I don't like boys" she admits "I like girls" she avoids looking at you for a second, scared, you guess.
You're quiet for a couple of seconds, trying to process it. You try to ignore the strong beats of your heart and you just focus on her. You squeeze her hand, looking her right in the eye.
"Hey, it's okay" you say, mentally kicking yourself for your lame answer, but Dominique don't seems to care, 'cause there's a big smile on her lips and you see relieve all over her face, you almost see her worries vanishing from over her shoulders, she looks so happy and calm you can't help but smile too, you caress her hands while she looks ahead, still smiling "we've got something in common" you say it slow, hoping she didn't hear it, but she did.
Dominique turns her head do fast you think she breaks her neck "what?" She asks, there is a strange light in her eyes, you're quiet, wondering if you should repeat yourself "Lily, what did you say?".
You take a deep breathe "We've got something in common" then add "I'm bisexual" you say, trying to sound calm, you pretend this is not the first time you say it out loud.
"Oh" she says, smiling "can I...?" Dominique hesitates, you see excitement in her eyes "can I... try something?".
You nod slowly, swing Dominique getting closer, waiting for you to pull apart,but you don't do it, ignoring that voice telling you you have a boyfriend, she's your cousin and anyone could see you from the house. You feel her breathe reaching your lips and you close your eyes, excited, but before your lips touch hers someone comes out of The Borrow, calling you.
Lorcan comes out of the door, you both pull away fast, taking your hands away from hers, you stand up, thinking guilty is written all over your face and Lorcan can see through your eyes what you almost did, but if he does see it, he says nothing about it.
The blond smiles at you "I've been looking for you" he says, taking your hand, the one holding Dominique's seconds ago.
"You found me" you smile nervously, looking back and fort between Dominique and Lorcan. He smiles again, kissing your lips, you pull apart fast, looking the pain in Dominique's eyes.
The blonde coughs uncomfortable "See ya later, Lils" she mutters, using the nickname you hadn't hear in over a year, you smile at her, but you can't ignore how your voice breaks a little.
"We'll talk later" you say, making it clear you've not finished with her. Dominique nods with a small smile, walking to The Borrow with Lorcan looking curiously at her.
You smile at your boyfriend while he squeeze your hand between his, and you can't help but compare it with Dominique's and how good hers felt.
You vaguely think your hands are made for her to take them.
6. When you're drowning and her eyes reminder you of the universe and you'd love to get lost in them.
You're alone that night on the astronomy tower, you're smoking one of those muggle cigarettes Lysander gives you, they have become your new addiction and no one can take them away from you, specially in nights like this, where your mind screams Dominique over and over.
You both have delayed That talk for so long it's been a year and you think it's easier to pretend it didn't happen than to face your feelings, Dominique seems to think the same, 'cause she's never talked about It.
Now she's got a girlfriend and you're pissed of just thinking about it, 'cause Dominique and girlfriend should never be in the same line unless there's an "It's my" in between. And Lorcan's still being your boyfriend, you've been two years together and every day you feel more guilty, you've been wasting his and your time 'cause you don't love him and it's pretty safe to say you will never love him, but you can't bring yourself to break up with him ("where is the so called Gryffindor bravery?" You wonder).
The astronomy tower is cold and lonely and you only have a thin cloak over your shoulders, it's not warm enough. Your mind gravitates to Dominique again, you look at the sky and start to compare the stars with her shiny eyes, if you ever heard someone saying something as corny as that you'd be disgusted, but you're talking about Dominique and nothing compares to her, not even the stars nor the universe, not even Lorcan's blue eyes in which you feel you're drowning and you can't breathe, the guilty of being with him is killing you.
But Dominique (god, her again) you cold get lost in her eyes, you want to get lost in her eyes and never be found. You cold scream it at the top of your lungs, you love her and you're not scared to admit it, not tonight, at least (maybe the almost empty firewhiskey in your hands is to blame for that). But then Dominique is beside you and you don't know of it's the whiskey but she looks so beautiful (or maybe you think that every time you see her).
"What are you doing here?" She asks you confused.
"What are 'you' doing here?" You ask her too, slurring your words.
The blonde shakes her head while she sits at your side, taking the cigarette away from you and putting it out "I'm a prefect, I'm in my night round" she says as if it were obvious (it is, now that you think about it). "The curfew is about to start, what are you doing here?" She asks again.
'Thinking about you' you almost say it, but decide against it, instead you take a gulp of your whiskey and answer her "having fun".
The blonde shakes her head "I could punish you or remove fifty points to Gryffindor" she's dead serious for a second but then she smiles playful at you.
You both sta quiet for a long time, Dominique looking at the sky, and you looking at her. Her eyes shines with the stars and you swear you can't see the entire universe in them. There's a silly smile on your lips for just looking at her, Merlin, you're so in love.
"What?" She's looking at you with a smile.
You smile even bigger while you answer "You're beautiful" Dominique blush furiously, her smile turning shy.
You can blame the whiskey if anything happens tonight.
But Dominique hasn't drank, so she composes herself "You're beautiful too" your cheeks could compete with your hair by how blushed they are, but you don't look away.
She stand on her feet slowly, offering you her hand, you take it without a doubt and stand up with a silly smile.
You both look at each other and Dominique says "I broke up with Jane" she's smiling, caressing both of your hands (when did she take both of them?). You think how weird os that she's smiling while saying that. Something tells you she wants to say something else but you don't know what, so you just smile a bit more.
"Cool" Dominique laughs at you and lets go one of your hands and starts walking, guiding you through the darks corridors.
She doesn't let go of your hand until you're both in Gryffindor's fifth year dorm door and she says goodbye kissing you on the cheek, almost on the corner of your mouth, she stays still, kissing your cheek seconds more than needed, and then lets you go, your cheek's warm from her lips.
Your hand miss hers immediately and you think you would not just get lost in her eyes, but in her skin, too.
7. When everything's just too much and you accept you're not as brave as you think (but yes, you are).
Lorcan and you break up at the end of sixth year, he breaks up with you saying you love someone else and it's okay, he understand, he's not mad and doesn't hate you either, he loves you so much he can never hate you. You wonder if he know who do you love but you don't ask him, so you just smile sadly and promise him you will always be his friend, you try to ignore his sad eyes while saying that.
Dominique and you are so much closer now than you have ever been, but there's something in the air, a strange pressure that never goes away. You've resigned to love her in silence 'cause you're such a coward and fuck, she's your cousin, you're not supposed to love her like that.
Dominique doesn't seem to care about it, though, 'cause she always touch you seconds longer than she should, she kiss your cheek so fucking close to your lips it drives you crazy sometimes, and she takes your hands and doesn't let them go. (it's not like you don't love it, though).
The break before your seventh year pass quickly and there's just one more week before you'll have to go back to Hogwarts. All your family is at The Borrow and everything's just too much for you to handle it, too much noises, too much people. Too much felings. So you go to the backyard and sit at the shadow of an old tree, enjoying the calm for once. But then someone sits beside you, you save the scathing comment when you see it's just Dominique.
'Hey" she smiles, and you smile back, "what are you doing here?"
You point to the old house with your head "Too much noise" Dominique nods her head, taking your hand and playing with your fingers. You glare nervously at the house, thinking someone might see you makes you anxious, you're sure you two doesn't seem very platonic right now (or maybe you're just being paranoid).
When you're sure no one's watching you, you look at her, her eyes are like the universe (you don't see them as green anymore, they're much more complex than that) they see you with so much love and you're sure you see her the same way, and you're scared what Dominique might do now.
"I was thinking..." she speaks calmly "I'm ready to talk about it" she's so confident you admire her, 'cause she has all the bravery you lack.
You want to ask her what is she talking about, pretend you don't remember it, but truth be told you know exactly what she's talking about, every day you think about that almost kiss your ex interrupted. So you nod your head.
"I want to know if I didn't imagine it" she says "if you wanted to kiss me too" she stops playing with your hands and looks you right in the eye, her eyes are begging you to say yes, you wanted to kiss her, but you can't. ("Coward" the voice on your head says).
"It's wrong, Dom" you say instead, incapable of looking her at the eyes.
Dominique lets go of your hands and you're sure if you saw the pain in her eyes you'd tell her the truth, so you don't look at her.
"Why?" She asks, her voice hurts you "I love you, why is it so wrong?" Your heart beats faster when she says it, but you try to stay calm.
"We're cousins and..."
"I don't care!" She interrupts you, and you can hear it in her voice, she's trying not to cry. Your heart breaks along with hers.
Now you're both crying 'cause you can't take it any more, you've loved her for years and you know you will loved her for many more, but... but what?
What's stopping you from kissing her right now? What does it matter if you're cousins, or if your family doesn't accept it, if the magic world doesn't accept it? Maybe you're not thinking straight but you don't care, you're tired of running away, of hiding you, hiding your feelings for her. For the first time you truly accept your feelings for the blonde beside you, you're seeing it from a different light, so you do the only thing you can think of doing right now. You kiss her.
And holy shit, how come you've never done this before? her wet lips are against yours and you wonder why did you lose so much time. It's soft and wet from the tears, it takes her seconds to reciprocate, she surrounds you neck with her slender arms, deepening the kiss. You're touching the sky with your bare hands, you're holding on her back and before you fully process what's happening, you're on top of her, the grass' stings against your hands but you don't care 'cause you're with Dominique and you're kissing her and you think her eyes are like the universe and her freckles are constellations on her face and her mouth is a new world you're discovering and yes, you can definitely get lost in her.
You don't care if someone's watching you anymore, you just kiss her like there's no tomorrow, if you stop kissing her the world might end. But you inevitably pull apart, gasping for air and big smiles on both your swollen lips.
"I fucking love you" you finally say, like it wasn't clear enough, Dominique just smiles and kiss you calmly. You got a whole life ahead.
(You silently celebrate your newly discovered Gryffindor bravery).
I'm sorry for any mistake, English is not my first language.