They were there…again. How did they keep getting here? Olivia couldn't even remember what happened in the last hour. She and Fitz were collapsed in their respective seats in her apartment, chests heaving and flushed faces. Olivia just remembered yelling. Occasional words came back to her. Her father. Jake Ballard. Betrayal. Mistake. Fitz had come over after he released Jake to apologize. Fitz wondered if he really even meant it. He sort of did. More so the grief it caused Olivia than the actual act. So here they were again. In a fury of heated words caused by repressed emotions. Normally, one of them would have left immediately to get space but this time Fitz stayed. He was tired. He had been tired for so long. So he stayed and just stared at nothing in particular until he could think again.
Olivia found a spot herself to stare at when she unexpectedly began. "When I was at boarding school, I met my first boyfriend. His name was Dominic Shreve. I was fourteen and he was fifteen." Fitz still didn't look at Olivia but was listening intently.
"He was tall, relative to me at least, and he had a very handsome face. He was second-tier popular at the school. He was the right kind of smart for a boarding school kid with his life set up for him after he graduated. And he liked me."
It was then that Fitz finally looked at Olivia. He relaxed back into his seat as he peered at her face trying to read it as she told her story.
Olivia shifted a bit as she continued, "I was still a bit under developed compared to some girls in the school so I didn't get nearly as much attention. I don't even know that I'd want it if I actually had got it. But he liked me and I liked that he liked me. So we began to date." Olivia then looked up at Fitz. She wasn't looking, or even necessarily talking, to him. He was a fixed point of reference, a mere looking glass to the past.
Olivia swallowed deeply and went on. "We dated for about 3 weeks I think. Then, as I was leaving the locker room after swim practice, I saw them together. They were kissing unabashed at the end of the hall. They looked up and saw me. Dominic looked a bit ashamed at least. Not so much her."
Olivia stopped talking then. She just stared through Fitz. He shifted in his seat a bit feeling her discomfort. "Who was she?" He asked to break the silence and to snap her out of her trance.
Olivia's eyes shifted a bit as she actually looked at Fitz for the first time during her story. They then shifted back out of focus as she spoke again.
"Julia Baker. Her name was Julia Baker," Olivia sighed.
Fitz felt a tang of recognition but decided against asking questions. Olivia knew he'd heard the name by now. She continued on.
"Julia Baker was…she got what she wanted. Every time. She was pretty and popular. Her dad was the CFO of a fortune 500 business and everyone in the school knew it every time they had a class in "Baker's Auditorium.' And that had minimum effect on her achievements." Olivia sat back on her couch, lay on her side, and pulled her throw blanket over herself. She was still propped up on the arm of the couch but she actually looked at Fitz instead of through him. Fitz mirrored her by taking off his tie and suit jacket and unbuttoning his shirt completely.
"Julia Baker didn't crave all of the same things as the other spoiled rich girls did. When she wanted something, it wasn't the best car, clothes, jewelry, or anything like that. She still had those things handed to her, you know, but that's not what she craved. She would just randomly announce that she wanted to be student senate president, captain of the cheerleaders, valedictorian or whatever else. Then she'd do it. It was amazing."
Olivia took a long pause and Fitz stood up and grabbed wine and glasses from her kitchen. He was happy he remembered where she kept them from his previous brief visits. He poured them and set them on the coffee table between them to breathe. He then took his dress shirt completely off along with his shoes. He didn't know where these ease came from but Olivia seemed to have felt it as well. She didn't give him a look about it either. He sat back down and waited for her to finish.
Olivia grabbed her wine glass and took a sip. "The most amazing thing about it was that there were other Julia Bakers at that school. There were other students who wanted the same positions, were just as ambitious, and that had their names on wings of the school, too. But Julia always won out. Do you know why?" she asked of no one. "It was because bent and broke the rules better than anyone else. She was good and she knew it. She made goals just to tone her skills. And one day, she decided she wanted Dominic." Olivia shook her head at the memory.
"It took me so long to figure that out about her. I was so angry and confused. I asked myself, 'Why her?' 'Did he want sex?' 'Did he want to get higher in the popularity game?' I followed them for weeks after that, trying to figure things out. I cried every night and woke up angry and ready to scream. It took me about 2 weeks to figure out that it wasn't him or me at all. It was her."
Olivia sat up then and looked directly at Fitz with her elbows on her knees. She didn't know why she was telling him this, she'd never told anyone, but she was determined to get it all out. To make him understand what she meant.
"It was about her and at the time, she wanted Dom. Then she moved on. That was it. She wanted something for herself, she made sure she got it by any means necessary and then moved on when she was done with it."
Olivia stared at Fitz even harder and confessed, "I have never despised and revered the same person so much in my life." She took a deep breath.
"I studied her for weeks. Like she was some majestic and magical creature in the wild," Olivia chuckled. Fitz couldn't help but smile in response.
"I thought I could never be that type of person that just does. Yes, I was an 'A' student but beyond that, I just floated in the background. I was timid and afraid so I needed to know. I needed to know her secrets. I needed to figure out how to please him."
Neither of them needed to state who the "him" was. Just the reference to "him" cut through the air. Olivia felt a sudden lump in her throat. She took a gulp of wine to try to dislodge it to no affect. She hesitated but decided to speak again.
"I needed to know that if I were like her, would it make a difference. Would he…would he…"
"Be proud of you. Love you more. Want you near," Fitz finished for her. Olivia nodded almost absently at his words.
"That's when I decided to take parts of her to add to myself. I took her ability to achieve. Over time it morphed into…whatever it is I am now. That's the part of me that got me to leave, Fitz."
Fitz' eyes focused on her then.
"Our lives were shit, Fitz."
"I know."
"We can't deny that. Our individual lives. Our life together. It was horrible."
"I know, I know."
"I am sorry about how and when I left but I'm not sorry that I left. I intended to leave to try to figure myself out. To try to find myself and fix myself. But I was afraid to look that far inward. That's when I grabbed Jake and decided to be Julia Baker. I didn't want to be Olivia Pope anymore, for a time. It's not like she was any better. It's not like He wanted her in the first place. So I left to bury my heels and my head in the sand. Because I wanted to."
Olivia sat back on the couch. She got it out. She said what she felt. She told him the truth as she knew it of herself. She didn't know how he'd react or if he even cared. She thought it would be better if he didn't. Life would be better if neither of them cared. If they could develop the bliss of apathy. She knew her life would be simpler if she stayed in her place with her father and didn't feel the way she did about Fitz. She could get her satisfaction of achievement at work and her satisfaction of company and flesh with whomever she pleased. She just had to learn to detach. She almost had it until he came along. Until he looked at her in that damn hallway. Until he confessed those words to her so many times in so many ways. She was ok until she finally believed him. Now look at them. What has it gotten her? Ache.
Fitz took his own deep breath and slowly asked, "Is that why you said my name? Is that why you walked to my room that night? Is that why you were with me? Just to see if you could?" He didn't know what answer he was looking for but he needed to know.
Olivia thought for a moment before answering, "I wanted you. Olivia Pope wanted you. Julia Baker was just what gave me the initial courage to do so."
Fitz exhaled and sat up in the chair. He grabbed his glass of wine and took a gulp. "So Dominic was your first boyfriend. How about the first time you got drunk?" He grinned at her. "I'm sure we both can revel in our drunken stories." Olivia let out a laugh. It was the best sound he'd heard in months. It had been so long since he'd heard her laugh.
"Wait, you have to tell me about your first girlfriend first. Story for a story," Olivia said.
"Alright then. I may need something stronger than this to get through it though," Fitz gleamed.
So they spent the night exchanging stories. They went further into intimate detail than they ever did while on the campaign trail, even telling stories the other had heard before with added detail. This was imperfect people telling imperfect details about themselves. It wasn't going to fix all of their problems. They didn't know what tomorrow would bring. It was a start, though.