Reconnecting
By Morganperidot
1.
On the flight to Dallas, Avery watched the video again. He had somehow thought that it wasn't possible for him to hurt any more than he already did, but seeing that video for the first time had proven just how wrong an assumption that had been. It was one of those trashy tabloid news sites that he would have never looked at, but Juliette's manager, Glenn, had sent him the link with no other words besides "Watch this." And so he had, and so he did again. He saw Juliette all glamorous and gorgeous stumbling on the stage, forgetting words, and then falling off stage onto a couple of startled security guards. Avery turned over his phone and closed his eyes. His stomach was sick, and he had a headache that felt like his brain was about to split apart. He took a deep breath and let it out, trying to find some peaceful ground in the turmoil. He thought about Cadence, their little girl, who hadn't really had a mother and now wouldn't have her father either, at least for a few days while he tried to do something to fix this.
Avery knew he had to talk to Juliette. He had to get her to see that this whirlwind of craziness wasn't right. Being a family hadn't worked, and being apart hadn't worked. All he had left was to wing it with her like he had when they were first coming together, try to recapture that lightening in a bottle, try to reconnect his heart with hers. He didn't know if that was possible, but knew he had to try, for her sake and for their baby's sake.
He took a cab from the airport to the hotel. Juliette hadn't been seriously injured in the fall off the stage, and Glenn had texted Avery that she was going to do the second of three Dallas shows that evening as planned. It was obvious from the video, but Avery had asked if she was drinking. The reply was only one word: Nonstop. Avery understood self-medication; he would be doing it himself if he didn't have Cadence. Despite spending some time reading about postpartum depression, Avery didn't really understand what Juliette was going through. He did understand pain though, and he understood wanting it to stop.
Glenn had given him the suite number, and Avery didn't bother calling Juliette to tell her he was coming. He knew she wouldn't want to see him and might not even talk to him if he were right there with her. He didn't care though; he was beyond caring whether she wanted to see or hear him. He needed to do this.
He pounded on the door until a security guard opened it. Avery recognized the man as someone who had been around when he was touring with Juliette. "Hi Sean," he said. "Is she here?"
"She's resting," Sean said.
"You mean she's passed out," Avery said. "Can I come in?"
"She said she didn't want to take any calls from you," Sean said.
"I'm not calling her, am I?" Avery said. Clearly Juliette hadn't expected him to just show up at a tour stop.
"No, but…"
"It's cool," Avery said quietly. "I promise you, the only one who is going to catch hell for this is me." He walked past Sean into the suite, then turned to face the man. "Look, give us a little time, OK?"
"Glenn said…"
"I'm sure he did," Avery said. "I've got this now." Sean hesitated for a moment longer, but then he just headed out shaking his head.
Avery closed the door and sighed. For a moment he just stood with his back against the door and pressed the heels of his hands to his closed eyes. His head still hurt despite the extra strength pain pills he had bought and taken in the airport. He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor with his head against his knees. He sat there for a while, trying to gather together whatever internal shards of strength he still had scattered around inside of him. Finally he raised his head and pushed himself up from the ground. He had started crying again, but he wiped the tears away. That wasn't going to get him anywhere with Juliette. He knew that for sure.
He walked over to the bedroom and found her sprawled on the bed nearly naked. There was a whiskey bottle on the nightstand to the left of the bed. Avery walked over to it and picked it up, brought it to his lips and downed a couple swallows. The amber liquid burned his throat and stomach. He set the bottle back on the nightstand with a loud bang.
"What? Who?" Juliette mumbled. "Who the hell..." But then she saw him standing there. "What in the hell are you doing here?" she said. "Get out."
"I came to talk to you," Avery said. "But I can just as well finish off this bottle and whatever others you have here."
"So what is this?" Juliette said. "You're going to show me how bad I'm being? I don't need your sanctimonious BS."
"You know, that's a good thing, because I'm completely out of it," Avery said. He picked up the bottle and finished it off. The liquor took a little of the edge off his headache, and if nothing else, that was a relief.
"Where's the baby?" Juliette asked. "Do you have her in the other room to spring on me?"
"No, she's in Nashville, being looked after by normal people," Avery said.
"Unlike me," Juliette said. She got up off the bed and threw on a teal shirt over her black bra.
"Or me," Avery said.
"Right," Juliette said. "You. You are…"
"Just as messed up as you," Avery said. "Don't you think I want the stage, to get up there with the guitar and just tear it loose?"
"You don't want the spotlight…"
"No, but I want the rush," Avery said. He sat down on the bed. "I want to feel the music." He closed his eyes and leaned back against the bed. He could see it, walking out on stage and the way it felt to tear off that first riff of the night. The room fell silent, and Avery thought maybe Juliette had left. And he realized that part of him didn't care. Part of him didn't care about anything but the music he didn't have.
"She really isn't here," Juliette said. "You didn't bring her?"
Avery sat up. "I don't want to talk about that now," he said. "The show tonight, I want to play."
"OK," Juliette said. "I just don't understand…how you can be like this."
"I'm tired," Avery said. "I'm just tired of all of it. I've had a headache for like nine straight days. I can't think straight anymore. I just need to shut it all down, shut it out."
"I didn't want to hurt you, or the baby," Juliette said.
"I know," Avery said. They just looked at each other in silence. Avery didn't want to say it, but he did anyway, "I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too," Juliette said. She walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. "Have you really had a headache for nine days?" she asked.
"Maybe nine hours," Avery said, "but it seems like days."
He was surprised to see Juliette smile. "You should drink some water," she said. "Alcohol isn't going to help."
"Wouldn't want you to have all the fun," Avery said. The text tone on his phone went off, and Avery pulled it out of his back pocket. Glenn was asking if he was still alive. Avery typed, "For now," and sent it.
Juliette handed him a bottle of water, and he accepted it. Then she took the phone out his hands and threw it on the floor. "I've got something that will take your mind off of that headache," she said.
"You have a lot of things…"
"Shut up, and take your clothes off," Juliette said.
Avery took a slug of the water and tossed the bottle on the floor. "Yes, ma'am," he said.
2.
"Avery, wake up, the show is in a half hour," Juliette said. She looked like a goddess in a tight, shiny black dress and glorious flowing blond hair.
Avery felt like he was underwater. "What show?" he asked.
"The one we're going to be late for if you don't get your butt dressed," she said, before smacking that same bare butt hard with her hand.
"Hey," Avery said. For a moment he didn't remember where he was or what had happened, but then the memory started to leak back into his brain cells. He got off the bed and got dressed, then picked up his phone off the floor, relieved to find it was still working. He texted the nanny, and she verified that Cadence was fine.
"Are you ready?" Juliette asked.
"Yeah," Avery said. "But I don't have my guitars…"
"I'm pretty sure we can find you some," Juliette said. "Let's go."
Onstage Juliette was on fire, and Avery made the borrowed ax wail like he hadn't in far too long. He released himself to the music, letting it soar higher and higher. It felt so good, and Juliette was so beautiful.
And the fire continued backstage in the dressing room with the two of them combining in an intimate explosion. Avery howled, and Juliette smiled and laughed. And Avery loved her so much it hurt.
Then it continued to hurt on the way back to the hotel in the limo when Juliette retreated from him and turned silent. Avery looked out the window. He knew the good part was over, and the storm was coming. "So what now?" Juliette said.
"I don't know," Avery said.
"I thought maybe you were going to have some guys grab me and throw me in the back of a van so I would go back to Nashville and stay at home in mom jeans with the baby strapped to me," she said.
Avery gazed out the window silently for a long moment. "I'll just go back," he said finally. He took in a breath and let it out. "I can get the divorce and take full custody of Cadence." He felt his own words like a dagger twisting in his heart, and fresh tears dripped silently from his eyes. "You won't have to be involved," he said.
"What?" Juliette said.
"It's OK," Avery said. He wiped away the tears. "It was a mistake. We just made a mistake."
"You mean we are the mistake, you and me together," Juliette said. "And Cadence was a mistake."
Avery looked at her, saw the gleaming redness in her eyes, the hurt in them. "No," he said. "She's beautiful. She's amazing, and I am so glad to have her."
"So then it's just me," Juliette said. "I'm the mistake."
"I love you so much," Avery said. "You are the most incredible woman I have ever known. But we…want different things. It's OK. It's going to be OK."
Juliette looked away from him. The car stopped at the hotel, and she got out. Avery watched her walk to the hotel and then disappear inside. He got out of the limo and took out his phone to check on Cadence. After he had done that he put the phone away – and just stood there looking at the hotel. He felt like he couldn't breathe, like there wasn't enough air in the world anymore. His ears were ringing from the show. Without thinking much about it he went into the hotel and found the bar, took a stool, and ordered whiskey. A couple of girls came in laughing, and one of them sat down next to him. Avery stood up and took his drink to a booth, where he leaned back, closed his eyes, and poured the liquor down his throat. He was about to signal for another when his phone rang.
He was stunned to see that the call was from Juliette. "Juliette?" he said.
"You know you're not perfect," she said.
"I know…"
"This is hard for me, all of this," she said. Avery was in shock, so he just waited. "To have a husband and a baby…I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I know how to be Juliette Barnes, but I don't know who that other person is, that wife and mother. I don't know how to do that. It's so easy for you; everything is so easy for you."
"No," Avery said. "None of this is easy for me."
"You want to be rid of me because I don't fit into your mold of the perfect housewife," Juliette said.
Avery laughed despite the pain he felt. "God, Juliette, I've never wanted that," he said. "I know who you are. I've always loved who you are, even when you drove me straight out of my mind. I just want you to love our baby. And I…"
"Where are you?" Juliette asked.
"The hotel bar," Avery said.
"Come up," Juliette said. Avery was silent. It wasn't going to solve anything to fall into bed with her again. That had never been their problem. "Please," she said.
"OK," he said. Avery didn't know what he was doing anymore. He emptied the glass and went to the elevator. He felt emotionally raw, and he knew Juliette could easily destroy him. But he had glimmers of hope from what she was saying, and it didn't mean much to him that he might be deluding himself. The fact that she had reached out to him when he was absolutely certain it was really over this time was like a miracle. In the elevator he closed his eyes and prayed.
The door to her suite was ajar, and Avery pushed it open and then closed it behind him. Juliette was on the sofa with her feet tucked under her. She had changed into pink pajama pants and a white t-shirt, her face was washed, and her hair was pulled back. And she was so beautiful, even more so than before with all the glitz and glamor. Avery could feel himself memorizing how she looked, because it might be the last time he saw her like this. "Come here," she said softly. Avery walked over to the sofa and sat down. "Give me your phone." Avery knew it was probably a bad idea, but he did as she said.
Juliette didn't toss it or break it some other way; she just poked around on it for a few seconds and then stared at it. Avery moved closer and saw the picture of Cadence. He watched silently as she swiped through his many pictures of their daughter, stopping when she got to a picture of herself holding Cadence. "She's beautiful," Juliette said.
"You both are," Avery said.
Juliette touched the screen of the phone with her fingertips. "You want full custody?" she said.
"No," Avery said with certainty.
"I don't know how to be a mother," Juliette said.
"We'll figure it out," Avery said.
"What if I can't?" Juliette said. He saw her eyes fill with tears. "What if I don't know what to do?"
"You're Juliette Barnes," Avery said. "You can do anything."
Juliette looked at him and smiled briefly. "I'm scared," she whispered, like someone might overhear them and find out that Juliette Barnes wasn't always the tough woman she appeared to be.
"I'm scared too," Avery said. "This is all new to me."
"You're so good with her," Juliette said.
"I'm just doing what comes to me," Avery said. "But Cadence needs you too."
"I want to, I just…" Juliette trailed off, and Avery reached over and linked his fingers with hers. She touched his face with her other hand, her palm against his cheek. Avery closed his eyes. "I don't want to hurt her, or you," she said.
Avery brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "We can take care of each other," he said. "We'll get through this." He felt some of his peace returning, and he was grateful. "Do the shows and then come home," he said.
"You'll stay here tonight?" Juliette said.
"Yes," Avery said.
"And you'll be home when I get there," Juliette said, "you and Cadence?"
"Yes," Avery said.
"Thank you," Juliette said.
"I love you," Avery said, and he kissed his wife and held her close.