I'll See Your Roommate and Raise You a Little Brother
Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, PhD, sat at the elegant mahogany bar in The Peninsula Hong Kong, wondering what he had done in a former life that subjected him to the fresh hell he had experienced since arriving at the conference. He took another sip of his G and T (which was mostly "G" and very little "T"), and as he set his glass down on the coaster, he heard the plummy tones of an Englishman ordering, "The Macallan, please. A double, neat."
Leonard almost choked; he had a pretty good idea of the price of the Macallan. Looking over to see what kind of person ordered a $100 drink, Leonard saw a tall, auburn-haired, posh-looking man in a three piece suit, complete with pocket watch.
The man received his drink, thanked the bartender, and then proceeded to take a long, slow sip. He swallowed and a tiny smile graced the corners of this lips.
"Wow", said Leonard, as he turned towards the man, "Macallan, hunh? That's a pretty pricey drink."
The tall man glanced over at Leonard and said, "Hmm. Yes. But let's just say it's well-deserved. May I?" he asked as he indicated the empty bar stool.
Leonard smiled and nodded, then reached out his hand. "Leonard Hofstadter," he said. "Mycroft Holmes," the other man responded as they shook hands. "I see you are here for the science conference."
"Yep," responded Leonard has he lifted his glassed in a small salute to his neighbour and took another drink. Mycroft answered with a nod as he slowly savoured another mouthful of his decadent treat.
"If I'm not being too presumptuous, Doctor Hofstadter, you seem a little … frazzled. Is everything all right?"
Leonard gave a small huff of laughter and said, "Please, call me Leonard. You, Mr. Holmes, have hit the nail on the head. Frazzled is exactly how I'm feeling right now," he added before draining his drink and placing the now-empty glass on the bar.
Mycroft smiled at his companion and said, "Mycroft, please. Trust me when I say I completely understand. This," as he gestured about the room, "is not my habitual way of spending an afternoon. But sometimes, needs must, as they say."
Signalling the bartender for a refill of their drinks, Mycroft continued, "I have just spent the most frustrating two hours trying to smooth over ruffled feathers caused by the inopportune antics of my brother, Sherlock. I don't know why he does it, but he has the most annoying talent of offending everyone within a two kilometre radius every time he opens his mouth. And I'm left to pick up the pieces after he's said his piece and swanned off to corner his next victim. Honestly, if it wouldn't upset Mummy, I'd have him locked away in the Tower of London for a few years."
Leonard laughed out loud and said, "You think you've got it bad … at least you're dealing with your brother and there are always ways that siblings can retaliate without raising too many eyebrows. In my case, it's my best friend-slash-roommate who's quickly becoming the bane of my existence on this trip. We were invited to present our recent paper on superfluids, but when we told our friends about this fantastic opportunity my co-author just had to add that while I may have had the idea, as I am 'only an experimental physicist' I 'would not have been able to fully define it'; apparently that's something that can only be undertaken by the 'superior intellect of a theoretical physicist'". While no gestures were actually made, Mycroft could see the air quotes as Leonard was speaking.
"My annoying little brother, Sherlock, and myself are here for some high level government meetings," said Mycroft. "However, Sherlock fancies himself quite the scientist and when he discovered your conference was taking place, it was all I could do to keep him on task. Then, when I wasn't looking, he snuck out of our meeting and proceeded to wander around the conference rooms contradicting, belittling and generally pooh-poohing any and all research proposals that he could. I've had to placate at least four top scientists that he left irate and homicidal, and all that before lunch!"
"Even so, Mycroft," countered Leonard, "I don't think your brother can in any way, shape or form be more annoying than Sheldon."
"Oh really?" drawled Mycroft as took a sip from his replenished scotch. "One summer when I was 17 and he was 10, Sherlock drugged my food and I lost two days. Two days! I still have no idea what happened to the first Monday and Tuesday in July, 1986. And his response when I asked why he'd done it was 'it was for science' and then he wandered away like nothing had happened!"
Leonard stared at Mycroft in disbelief. "Oh my God!" he said. "There are two of them! Sheldon once spent a month putting ground up insects in my food! When I finally found out what he'd done and asked him why, he said it was 'an experiment to determine when food began to taste 'mothy''! And he couldn't understand why I was upset about it!"
"Sherlock regularly calls me "Fatcroft" and refuses to talk civilly to me unless he needs a favour. And woe betide me should I be forced to ask for assistance; the answer is always "piss off, Mycroft," came the response.
"Sheldon consistently picks on my height, my insecurities and my sex life," countered Leonard.
"Sherlock takes great joy in bypassing my home security system to leave rude post-it notes on my bathroom mirrors."
"Sheldon treats me like I'm his chauffeur and he has no concept of personal space."
"Sherlock hacks into New Scotland Yard's internal website just to 'see what the idiots are messing up now' and then I've got to make amends for his behaviour."
"Wait, what!" asked Leonard in shocked. "He hacks into the police's secure computer system? How ..?"
"Don't ask, Leonard; it's better not to think about it," responded Mycroft with a world-weary sigh.
"Still, let me tell you about the ridiculous roommate agreement I was forced to sign on moving in," said Leonard. "My morning bathroom time is scheduled and God forbid that I'm running late!"
"My annoying brother somehow manages to remotely alter my ring tone. Imagine my embarrassment when my phone began playing "Who let the dogs out?" during a closed-door meeting with the Prime Minister!"
"I'll grant you that's pretty hard to beat, but I'm not done yet," responded Leonard with a smirk. "Let me tell you about the time ….," and so began 45 minutes or so of one-up-man-ship. The two men continued to exchange war stories about their respective companions, while the bartender avidly eavesdropped. Honestly, if he hadn't heard the stories himself, he never would have believed them!
By the time Leonard and Mycroft had finished their drinks and run out of stories to relate, it was coming on to 5:00.
"Well, Leonard," said Mycroft as he stood up from his stool and extended his right hand. "It's been an interesting afternoon and while I still don't agree that your Sheldon is in any manner more difficult to deal with than Sherlock, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to face such difficulties. I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming presentation and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Hong Kong."
"Thank you, Mycroft," said Leonard as he shook the tall man's hand. "I hope things go well for the rest of your trip here, and that you don't have to bail Sherlock out of jail at some point!"
"I can only hope," muttered The British Government as he brushed down his lapels and headed out the bar towards the Hotel lobby. "I can only hope."