When I told Hardison that our relationship wouldn't be normal, I meant it. I mean it should be obvious to him, everyone knows I'm not normal, but I felt self-conscious that he tried to hug me twice on the mountain and I couldn't do it. Not that I didn't want to or that I was oblivious to the fact he was trying to hug me, though that's probably what he thinks, but that I just couldn't do it. It's easier to pretend I don't know what's happening than to show people that they're making me uncomfortable.
The thing most people don't understand is that to be "normal" someone has to teach you that. No one ever taught that to me. It's not that I don't feel the same things other people feel, but rather that I don't have any experience with what I'm supposed to do in response to healthier emotions. I know about anger, fear, pain and hurt. How to deal with them and how to hide them deep inside so they don't kill you or show to other people, but there wasn't much in my life before the team and Hardison to teach me about love, joy, trust, friendship or family and I only know how to hide things not how to show them.
A long time ago, I did know about love and family, but it was so long ago that I can barely remember it and it's so wrapped up in the worst thing that ever happened to me that I don't think I can reach it to remember it again. When my brother died, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. He was the only person I ever had in my life who just loved me. And I was so young when he died and there was no one to help me fix that pain. There were just more people who didn't really care about me and who couldn't understand that I couldn't move past that one event. It took me a really long time by myself to bottle that up and move on to find something else to love, money.
Money brought me security I had never had. It was freedom to do what I wanted, to get away from all the people who didn't love me or who hurt me. So money became the most important thing to me. People don't understand my relationship with money isn't about getting things. It's just about feeling safe and secure on my own. It wasn't until I started working with the team that I found something else, someone else that makes me feel the same way. It's why I stay with the team. They make me feel the way money feels, like they can keep me safe from the bad things.
So, I can't be normal. I just don't know how and I don't know if I can ever really be that way again, but I'm working on it. It's hard to express my feelings appropriately,even though we've been working on it. They come out in crazy ways like poking Eliot when's he's hurt just to be sure he's still there. Hardison reminds me of those feelings that I had so long ago and I know I can trust him to help me figure things out. Sophie says I just have to practice. So that's what I'm doing.