Take Me to Your Blackened Sky
The day after Liam's funeral Carla hides in bed for most of the day and pretends to sleep. In the morning Tony kisses her on the lips and whispers that eventually things will seem better. Her breath catches in her throat a little when his lips touch hers but if he notices she was awake he does not say a word.
With her eyes closed the rustling of Tony pulling on his suit seem impossibly loud and when she hears the sharp tap of his shoes and the shutting of the front door she breathes a little easier. Her fiancé can go to work and do the things that used to seem so important to her. The world suddenly feels hollow and never ending so she decides to stay in the twilight of sleep for as long as possible because she does not want to face her life without him.
A few hours later, she's not sure how many, her muscles are tight and jump involuntary so she pads on bare feet to her kitchen and finds a bottle of sleeping pills tucked in the same cupboard as the tinned soup. She has no idea why they were kept there.
Liam is leaning against the wall between her kitchen and her spiral staircase.
She freezes in horror for a moment dropping her glass of water so that it shatters against the floor. Then she ignores him as he watches her clean the mess and takes one too many tablets before closing her bedroom door tightly behind herself. She resolutely refuses to go insane when she's still coming to terms with letting him go.
She tries not to think about the way she can see the kitchen tiles through his toes as she drifts into a restless sleep.
When Tony arrives home he hovers and fusses and yet is oddly distant in a way that might hurt her if it was any other day. He disappears to make dinner and tells her sternly that she has to keep eating.
It takes her ten minuets to sum up the courage to enter the main room of her flat. In the corner of her eye she can still see him leaning back against the monochrome of her sofa, the pattern still visible through his silly t-shirt. Instead she sits at the table and studies the pasta on her plate and the darkness of her wine.
Tony talks to her and she gives the appropriate replies and it's clear they are the only two people in the room. Yet she can still feel an old familiar pair of eyes on the back of her head.
She excuses herself to the bathroom.
This is fine, she tells her reflection, this is normal. This is the grieving process. She rests her head on the sink, porcelain soothing her cheek and wishes both of them away.
"You are not real." She tells Liam when she comes out. He is standing in the doorway, the brick work of the wall visible through his broad shoulders. Tony is busy clearing up and doesn't hear.
She crawls into bed and shuts of the light. She can hear her fiancés hushed tones on the phone and in the darkness she can still see Liam. He glows faintly, like a tired firefly.
She closes her eyes.
She wakes up with Tony asleep besides her and Liam still watching her from a chair. "You don't exist." She accuses but goes to the bathroom to change anyway.
He is still there when she drinks her coffee and puts on her make-up. He doesn't even move then Tony walks so close they almost touch.
She goes into work with Tony and when they return home he is still there.
A week later she still sees him everywhere around her home and she is resolved to her madness but at least she doesn't have to let go completely.
The radio turns on by itself one day but she knows it's him.
Ever think what your eyes do they're trying to sleep
But where your tongue rests, is it against your teeth
And now it's bigger than us
It's bigger than everything it decides to touch
Asleep is the safest place you could be
You can try hard to catch it, it just catches you
Imagine a camera coming up from your feet
Relax all your muscles son just hope your hearts in one piece
And now it's bigger than us
It's bigger than everything it decides to touch
It's bigger than a halo, a devil, an angel and a crow
The bones got the wrong detail I hoped it would have
Safe for a shin bone or even a hand
Plays before Tony turns it off and pulls her into a hug because her eyes grow glossy with un-cried tears. She is brittle in his arms; cheek pressed against the starch of his shirt and wonders if there is something beyond her understanding.
She sneaks a peek over Tony's shoulder. Liam looks so darkly angry he almost could be solid again.