I'd really been only joking when I'd first suggested the idea of him doing this, merely searching for something clever to say back to one of his many odd, fairly daft comments that I, admittedly, had come to love. I hadn't at all meant for him to take it seriously, but, in his usual fashion, Connor had decided to completely disregard that most important factor, choosing instead to immediately get started on trying to satisfy that one half-serious whim of mine, something that, truth be told, meant absolutely nothing to me. I wouldn't have been the least bit insulted if he'd simply laughed off my comment, if he'd just decided to take it and file it away for use on some rainy day. But, quite apparently, that just wouldn't do for him. He wanted to do every possible thing that he could in order to make me happy, and I completely understood that, I did, as well as the reason behind it.
For the past few weeks, I'd been doing nothing but pushing away all of his efforts, never letting it get even half as far as we'd both like it to. And I'd managed to come up with a million excuses as to why I was being like this, but, so far, none of them had made any sense to even me. The most reasonable out of any of them, the only one that I was actually able to somewhat believe, was probably the one that could most easily be solved.
Past experience had given me an undeniable fear of jumping into things, of getting too involved too quickly. I'd never been the type to want to put an unreasonable amount of trust in someone when it had the possibility of ending badly, or whenever there was some open opportunity for me to get burned in the end.
And no matter how much I kept telling myself, again and again, that this was in fact Connor we were talking about, not some guy I'd just met or even someone I'd known only for a couple of weeks, but someone I'd known for a couple of years by now, I just couldn't let myself put my guard all of the way down. I'd put up a set of walls, and, however much I hated it, some part of me, hidden somewhere in the back of my mind, was intent on making him put in the work to bring them crashing to the ground. And, no matter how hard he tried, that one little part of me just wouldn't ever let it be enough.
"Connor…" I called out his name in gentle protest, leaning back against the bathroom counter to watch him, finding myself amazed, almost annoyed, at the sheer amount of time he was taking to do everything, as he lit the candles one by one, setting them carefully in that one neat little row at the edge of the tub. He was trying so very hard, and it was all for me, which, however flattered it may have made me feel, was also largely contributing to the load of guilt that had been slowly building up at the pit of my stomach for what had to have been days by now. "Come on, you know you don't have to do this," I continued weakly, despite having already known, probably from the very start of all this, that all of my efforts would, without a doubt, be promptly dismissed by him.
He made his way slowly over to me, a small, sympathetic smile spreading slowly over his face, that one little dimple of his gradually becoming more and more prominent. "I know that." His voice was soft, comforting, like a lullaby in its own, making me want to just give in to him already, to stop putting up any sort of a fight, just go ahead and surrender to him. I wanted so badly to just lose myself in him, to, from this moment on, not have a single thing in my life except for him. "I want to, okay?" He nodded his head a bit, as if to try and persuade me into agreeing with him, as if he really thought he needed to try and talk me into it.
"Are you sure?" I could already hear myself starting to give in, couldn't help but notice, over the course of only that one short question, my voice gradually becoming more and more fluid, all of the hesitation that had run so deep in me just a moment earlier quickly fading as I looked back into his eyes. I watched him as he gave a long nod. "I'm sure," he told me lightly, tentatively bringing his hand up to my cheek, running his thumb gently, so gently, back and forth over my cheekbone as he waited patiently for my reaction.
Finally I smiled appreciatively back at him, bringing my arms up around his shoulders, pulling him in closer to me until there wasn't a bit of space left between us. "Well…" I allowed myself a long pause, stopping for a moment to take in the feel of his body against mine, taking a second to realize just how good it truly felt to have his arms around me. It had been so long, too long, since Connor and I had been able to just be, since we'd had the opportunity to ignore the fact that anyone, except for the two of us, of course, even existed. Over the past few weeks, I'd all but forgotten the way it felt to have him so close to me, and, now that I'd been properly shaken into remembering, I didn't think I'd ever want to let it go again. I rested my chin on his chest, tilting my head in order to look up at him, if only for a moment. "Are you going to join me?"
His eyes flashed bright with a little glimmer of excitement, just for a second, before fading back to that now almost constant dullness that I couldn't help but feel principally responsible for, all of the hesitation coming quickly back to him, as if he didn't want to let himself get too excited. It was almost as if, by this point, he didn't want to let himself get into anything without already having prepared himself to be hurt by the end result. "Really?" He had brought his voice down to almost a whisper, his words unnaturally thick with pure disbelief, something that filled me with a sharp, nearly unbearable, pang of regret. "I mean, you- You really mean that?" God, I'd been such a bitch towards him, from my clear reluctance to hold his hand when we went out together, to the obviously feigned excuses I gave for leaving the room whenever he tried to move anywhere past kissing me. Now he couldn't even bring himself to believe me when I really wanted to be with him.
"Yeah," I told him gently, offering him a small, tired smile, as if to reassure him, as much as I could, that I meant everything I was saying to him, before pulling his face down to mine, letting my lips meet his for a long, languid kiss, if only to let him know that I was still there for him, that I did indeed still care about him, regardless of the extent to which it seemed the exact opposite. "Yeah, Connor, I really do."
I watched as his whole face relaxed, his features slowly becoming more and more comfortable as he looked back at me. "Well, then…" His voice quivered a bit as he gave a small, warm laugh, brushing his lips gently over my forehead before finally bringing them down to mine for another quick peck. "I guess we'd better get you out of those, yeah?" His smile grew gradually wider as he looked appreciatively down at me, until it got to the point of being a full blown grin, his dimple deepening farther than I'd ever seen before.
"Maybe. Or…" I trailed off before I finally locked my eyes with his, slipping a hand under his shirt, finding myself loving the heat of his skin under my touch as I worked my way slowly up over his stomach and chest. The fingers of my other hand played eagerly with his buttons, already having undone the first, right above his belt, before I felt the need to give him a little nod. It was as if I felt I had to ask his permission before I continued, like there was some long forgotten obligation I'd set with myself to make sure I had his go-ahead before I took it any further. An obligation with myself that, curiously, I'd seemed to be able to pretty much ignore up until tonight. "Could I do you first?" I asked him quietly, pressing my lips gently against the base of his neck, bringing a soft line of kisses all the way up to the bottom of his chin.
He ran his hands gently over me, his thumbs teasing at the bottom of the tiny vest I was wearing, pushing up the hem again and again only so that he could smooth it slowly back down, his rough palms serving in stark contrast to my soft skin underneath them, like burlap on silk. "Now how could I say no to that?" he said quietly, almost in a mumble, bringing his mouth down close to my ear.
"Mmmmm." I couldn't help but let out a small, light laugh as I looked up at him, watching his face as I slipped my hands gingerly under his shirt. "Connor…" I said his name weakly as I worked at his buttons, running my fingers lightly over the creases of his torso, which, I had to admit, was slowly becoming more and more chiseled as time went on.
I watched him glance quickly down towards the floor as finally I finished with his shirt, leaving it where it fell in the middle of the tile. Soon after, he gave me a small nod to let me know that he was listening, offering me a little smile of encouragement. He reached up to sweep my hair out of my face, tucking any stray hairs back behind my ear, if only to prove to me that he had now given me his full and undivided attention. "What is it, love?" I couldn't help but notice that his eyes were full of worry, the deep, milky brown of his retinas seeming to churn right before my eyes. He wanted so badly for all of this to work out, for everything to turn out alright in the end, and I was almost surprised at just how much I wanted the very same things, the sheer extent to which I wanted to be able to give him that fairy tale ending we were both hoping for. And after these last few weeks, it would be pretty easy to say that I as much as owed it to him.
"I just…" I heard myself trail off, shaking my head faintly as I looked quickly over his body, as if in appraisal, letting my hands fall to the top of his jeans. I nimbly removed his belt, leaving it to become just one more article of clothing that would hit the floor before the night was over, before hooking my fingers through the belt loops of his jeans, using my newfound hold on him to pull his body closer to mine. "It's been too long," I admitted softly, unable to resist a smile as he started to stroke gently over my back, his fingers leaving thin trails of heat along my skin as he gently, and rather tentatively, worked off my vest.
He once again pressed his lips to my forehead, one of his hands coming to a rest at the small of my back, his thumb tracing endless little patterns over my skin. "I know, Abs," he agreed with me, in what was practically a whisper, his voice scarcely audible to anyone except for me. "I know it has."
I leaned hard against him, savoring the heat of his skin against mine, taking a moment just to take in the smell of him, drinking up everything about him as if this was the last time I would ever see him. I found myself taking so much care with him, trying so hard not to mess anything up. I wasn't taking any chances, it would be so easy to lose him now, and at a time like this, that was definitely the very last thing I wanted to do. Because, as far as I'd been from showing it to him before, I needed him. Pure and simple. There was no way I could live without him, and, in this moment, I was completely prepared to admit that.
Not done yet! :P Part 2 Coming Soon You Guys! :)