A/N: I don't know what inspired me to write this… It may have been a Kili/Fili fanfiction I read a few days ago… It may have been a RoTG fanfiction I read today. It could just be because I'm on spring break and I'm in the mood to fangirl over something.

Warnings: Kili/Fili mentions, innuendos, violence (these are dwarves though), and Bilbo's idiocy.

Disclaimer: If I owned this series, it would be unrated.

Bilbo Baggins was forced to confess that he was homesick. Well, he did not miss the Shire. Perhaps he missed all that the Shire possessed. It may have been the handkerchiefs, or the silverware that was actually silver. Alternatively, the toilets and baths of his home. Instead, he now sat in a pond, stark naked with a company of filthy men, many of whom were far too physical for his liking.

Those bloody brothers had secluded themselves in a far corner of the pond, Kili mounted on his brother and ravaging his face with his tongue, as if he was a feral cat. His brother was currently griping at the younger's lower cheeks, kneading the pale skin until it bore a resemblance to the red clay they rest on. No one paid them any mind, which forced Bilbo to assume that this was common to dwarves. Or, at least to these dwarves.

Many of the remaining men, short of Balin and Bombor, were either washing one another's backs or talking of their vast collection of sexual encounters. Bilbo sat by himself in the deeper part of the pond, close to Gandalf and Thorin. In this little corner, Gandalf was wrapped in a piece of cloth, claiming he would not get cleaner if bathing in a pond. Thorin on the other hand, sat completely unclothed, his chest puffed out and legs spread wide, showing certain… tools… to all of his companions.

Bilbo sat in a modest position, his ankles crossed to best keep his legs closed comfortably. His knees were brought close to his chest, hands rested near his large feet. One cheek rested against his knees, his eyes closed in a trance-like manner. No one had yet talked to him, thinking he was dreaming of his home. Nope. He was feigning thought, instead praying no one would dare speak with him.

It did not work.

He had not noticed that Kili and Fili had stopped making sucking noises in a corner and instead made their way to where he sat, resting. Kili flung an arm over his shoulder, forcing him into an upright position, while Fili draped himself over Bilbo's lap. "Our little hobbit is secluding himself again," Kili almost giggled, his face pressed into Bilbo's damp neck. He let out a slow breath, his lips brushing against his clammy skin.

Fili straddled Bilbo, his hands pressing against Bilbo's chest. "Why don't you join us? We promise it'll be fun…" Bilbo, in response, turned bright red and began to stammer like a schoolgirl. "Leave the Halfling alone," Thorin reprimanded as their mouths began to wonder toward a common destination. Both brothers only pouted in protest before slithering away, their hands already attacking one another's bodies.

The trio continued to sit in an awkward silence until Bilbo let out a soft grunt, coughing into his wrist. Thorin looked over, expecting the hobbit to speak. Bilbo looked at Thorin, blushed, looked away, and looked up again. "Um… Thorin?" he asked timidly, as if he would be bit. He looked over and nodded for the Halfling to continue. "Well… I hope I do not sound offense but… Are all dwarves so… sexually comfortable?"

Thorin choked on the air he had been breathing, look over at the flustered hobbit. Bilbo had his knees to his chest again, his face buried close to his legs. The dwarf prince glanced over to his wizard companion, who wore an amused look upon his weathered face. With a slight huff, he nodded. "During the peak of our kingdom, romance became more prominent in our culture. It became normal for women and women, men and men, to form relationships, even get married. Soon, sexuality became prominent to the point of children being sexually active at the mere ages of ten. It is less so now, but it is common for younger couples to be so… active."

Bilbo looked astonished at this fact. He would not have assumed that the dwarves in their company- even Balin –had been (some still) so sexual! A thought crossed Bilbo's mind, causing to flush innocently. "Does… Does that mean you…? You were… Like that?" he asked, looking at his feet.

Thorin turned red, looking away. He could see Gandalf twitch beside him, then rise. "I think it is best that I retire for the evening. I think you two should take first watch. It will allow you both the chance to ask the questions you wish. Now, if you'll excuse me," he said with that constant smile of his. He stood up and wadded through the murky water, past an over sexed pair of teenagers and group of rambunctious perverts.

Bilbo let the awkward silence between them sit for a few moments longer before he coughed again. He was obviously expecting an answer. Thorin sighed but nodded. "I was probably worse than those idiots… Yet, that could also be because I was a royal, therefore, I was offered more… opportunities… than most. Many of which I had taken up," Thorin began to blush immediately, "Though I'm not sure why this is any of your business, Baggins!"

Bilbo shrugged. "I was just curious… And say I'm still curious…" Thorin let out a huff. "About what, Baggins?" The hobbit flushed once more, looking in the opposite direction. "Does that mean… Are you perhaps… Do you like men?"

Thorin whipped around to look at Bilbo, blushing. "Would it bother you so? I am still this companies leader!" Wide eyed, the dwarf looked ready to burst, his face as red as the surrounding ground. Bilbo shook his head. "Of course not! I would be a hypocrite to dislike someone for their orientation!" he protested. Thorin's eyebrows shot up into his hairline.

"How would you be a hypocrite?"

Bilbo's cheeks preferred to pale, probably too filled with blood for their tastes… His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. "Well… Hobbits are just as… aware as dwarves are… If you walk around the Shire long enough, you'll see couples holding hands and perhaps hugging… Emotional attachments are common, and were never limited by gender… I'm only saying it would be harsh for me to judge when my people are very similar."

Thorin smirked, glancing at Bilbo casually. "How about you, Mr. Baggins? Are you… Interested in men?" Bilbo began to sputter, his body painfully aware of a certain pulsing between his legs. "Th-thorin, please…" the hobbit pleaded, their faces far too close for a platonic aura. The dwarf smirked and lightly pressed their lips together, then left the bath, past the testosterone filled men, and oversexed teenagers.

OoOoOoOoO

Bilbo, all afternoon, had been thinking about the kiss. It didn't matter to him that it could have been a cruel joke, or it could have been a thoughtless action. He wanted to try it again, even at the cost of his position in this company as burgalar. He wanted to kiss Thorin Oakenshield one more time.

He had thrown himself over a rock, half asleep, thinking of the many different ways he could steal one without alerting the rest of the company of his intentions. Of course, his muttering alerted some of them of his foul mood. It also alerted the two damnable twins of his desire.

Without raising suspicion with the rest of the company, the overly touchy Kili and Fili had draped themselves over him in the most suggestive way humanly possible and smirked up at the Halfling. "So, Bilbo…" Kili drew, his hand wandering up Bilbo's leg and to the hem of his shirt, "What interest is our uncle to you?" Before Bilbo could begin to answer, the brothers pulled themselves up the length of the hobbit's body, grinning like Cheshire's.

"And don't deny it… We have been keeping ourselves very…distant… compared to how we like to act," Fili said with his gorgeous smirk. Kili nodded, smiling at his brother. "I do miss you brother… The feel of you on top of me… Inside me…" Bilbo let out a shriek and pushed both of the brothers off him, covering his ears.

"I like your uncle, yes! Now please stop talking!" he moaned, his eyes squeezed shut in horror. The brothers both snorted from their new positions on the ground and stood up, brushing off their breeches. "We want to help you."

Suspiciously, Bilbo looked at the brothers as if they had become a single being. "How so?" Kili shrugged. "Our uncle is kind of a dick." Fili nodded, "He needs to get laid. It's a win-win investment." Bilbo flushed at the idea of bedding the company leader. But he would still have him… "What's your idea?" he questioned reluctantly.

The brothers shared grin. "Excelent."

OoOoOoOoOoO

This was a very bad idea.

Kili and Fili had decided that Thorin might feel conflicted over sexing up Bilbo (as they so lightly put it) because of his gender. Before Bilbo could protests, they forced Bilbo into a dress and wig, sitting him on a stump, and telling him to look desperate.

The dress itself was oddly fitting, a yellow vest over a white button up, with a dark green skirt. The petticoat underneath it was a lighter green, poking out of the bottom, with a slight train peeking out of the back of his waistband. To him, it looked like a ribbon hastily done by two dumb asses. The wig was very nice (where they go it, he wouldn't ask) and was his same hair color. He tied had it tied in a braid with a light blue ribbon – one that matched the tie around his neck.

The damnable brothers shaved his feet, painted his nails a light blue, and forced him to pin his hair strategically over his ears. To him, he looked like a young, fourteen year old human girl. To the brothers, he was a 'sex goddess' and a 'vision of erotica'.

Now, he sat as any proper woman would, ankles crossed and hands in his lap. According to the brothers, Thorin, who usually wanders away after supper to find firewood, would find him. After he was found, he was expected to fling himself at Thorin, acting as a maiden would in the most provocative way possible.

"Bilbo?"

Or he could just blame them for the entire situation.

"Keep your damn nephews in check!" Bilbo shrieked, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Thorin's eyebrows rose and he looked to be fighting a smile. The hobbit wound his hands into fists, his skirt bunching. Standing up, he turned to run off, find a nice hole, and die. Instead, Thorin grabbed the crook of his arm. "Bilbo…"

The hobbit didn't know if it was the way Thorin said his name, or the way he looked at him, but it made him ache. In a fluid motion, he snatched his arm away and slapped Thorin with all of his might. He didn't know if it would merit him getting hit in return, but it felt nice to finally express how he felt, even if it was in a cruel manned.

With the most pained expression Bilbo had seen, Thorin looked at him. Immediately, Bilbo threw himself into Thorin's chest, sobbing. Before Thorin could react, the Halfling began to sob mercilessly. Everything he felt since he left, the thrill of abandoning his home, the fear of being eaten, the pride of belonging to such a hearty group, the sorrow of watching so many die… It was draining. It had drained him of who he was and left this… This thing behind. A sniffiling idiot who only wanted to be held and caressed like a child would.

Thorin slowly let his arms settle into place along the hobbit's waist, carefully unwinding the ribbon at the hobbit's waist, attempting to slid the petticoat off of his hips. Bilbo sniffled, his eyebrows knitting together. "Are you attempting to undress me?" Thorin feigned innocence, his hands up in defense. "I thought you might be uncomfortable." Rolling his eyes, Bilbo stood on his tip toes and planted a light kiss on the mighty Thorin Oakenshield's pouty lips.

Of course, Thorin's hands went to work, slipping both the petticoat and skirt off of Bilbo's thin frame. Their mouths didn't touch, their faces far enough apart that they could look at eachother. Bilbo's hands wandered to Thorin's armor, unclipping the leather and letting it fall to the floor. Quickly, seamlessly, Thorin undid the pesky vest buttons and pulled it off of Biblo's shoulders, his face nearing the burgalars. Just before their lips met, Thorin let out a hushed moan. "Can I make you mine?"

"Please do."

And the mighty Thorin Oakenshield, house of Durin, future king under the mountain, was tamed by a mere hobbit.

A/N: I couldn't go through with it… The fem! Bilbo-ness… I never liked characters cross dressing when it's obvious that their character arc would never allow it…