Hold onto to That
Summary: Casey's thoughts after his mom told him why she killed his dad. Ep. 15 Nazdarovya
Spoilers: for all of the earlier episodes of Chicago Fire dealing with the Casey and Voight situation.
"I took the house key you left out and drove across town and I shot him. Just to shut him up. Just to never hear those words coming out of his mouth again. I know what you're thinking. And I know what you thought. But I know you Matthew you don't have that's kind of anger inside of you the ability to completely lose control. You're not me. And I think that's what you really wanted to know." Chicago Fire ep. 15 "Nazdarovya"
Hearing her finally tell you why she shot your father was like a fifteen year weight being lifted off your shoulders. But to hear her say that she shot him because of something he said about you was a slap in the face. Now you can't decide whether or not it would have been better to have kept living in ignorance of why she shot him. But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part and the part that worried you the most was her telling you, you were nothing like her, that you didn't have what it took to be like her.
Because thinking about it you had almost become just like her...three times. That whole situation with detective voight had you so spun out that you, indeed, had almost become just like your mother. The first time was at that bar after the kid played you and Antonio on wearing a wire. If chief hadn't shown up to stop you that night you would have gone through with beating Voight senseless just to get him to leave you and Hallie alone. To get him to shut up. You were so ready to smash him with that tire iron. You could feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins, just waiting to get him alone. You were so close to being in control of the situation, if only Boden hadn't shown up ordering you to go home and cool off. If you hadn't listened to him it probably would have cost you your job and you love your job more than anything. So you did the smart thing, the safe thing, you gave chief that the tire iron and drove away thinking about how if you had just acted a little sooner the chief wouldn't have had time to get to you and Voight would no longer be problem.
The next time was at the graffiti scene. This time it was Kelly who held you back. How dare he show up here? It was all part of his plan, get you so wound up all you could do was snap. You couldn't ignore his taunts about Hallie opening up to him, even though you knew they were lies. So again you were ready to throw yourself into that fight, screw the consequences, and squish him to a pulp. Again all for the sake of getting him to shut up. And again it would have cost you your job. What you were possibly thinking at the time trying to fight a cop, a dirty cop at that, in broad daylight when the only solid thing you had against him was you didn't like what he was saying. Yeah, that would have held up real well for you. You should have taken Kelly up on that boxing deal. That would have been the healthy way of getting rid of some of your anger and aggression but that would have been to simple.
That last time, the time where you really could have lost it all, was when the cops left your house agreeing not to search it, thanks to Antonio. You weren't thinking clearly and you sure weren't in any state to be driving. Disappearing like that must have had Hallie out of her mind with worry, not knowing what you were about to do. You didn't even really care about that at the time. All you could think about was how it had to end and it had to end now. So your sped as fast as you could towards Voight's house only one thing going through your mind, he was dead and it was going to be by your hand. Then your problems would go away with him, no more threats, no worrying about Hallie, no flinching at every shadow expecting someone to pop out and jump you again. The he offered you that gun, you took a look around that house, at all of the pictures, and you realize he had a family just like you. You couldn't kill this man, he was just trying to do everything in his power to protect his own family. This isn't one of your better decisions and its one you are instantly starting to regret. Back in your truck all you can think about is how close you just came to ending everything. Voight's life, your career and your own life. You would have gone down as the bad guy for killing him and you had wanted to kill him all for the sake of getting him to just leave you alone. You were exactly like your mother.
That whole situation may have been months ago but thinking about it now, your mom was wrong. Your were completely capable of becoming just like her. You had enough anger inside of you to do what she had done. What did you have that she didn't? You didn't have someone tearing you down all the time. You had a team...no, friends...no, a family behind you 100% of the way. If you hold onto that, the fact that you had someone there for you in times of need, someone to hold you back when your anger causes you to do stupid things, then you will never be like your mother. Hold onto the chief and Dawson and Severide and your men and you will never be able to give into your anger to the point of self destruction, they wouldn't let you give in. Hold onto the hatred and anger you kept buried for so long towards your own mother for killing your dad. You don't ever want anyone to feel that way towards you. Hold onto that and you would be okay. You wouldn't snap.