I had this idea back in the summer, but I didn't start writing it out until I saw orbythesea's comment ficathon prompt "suddenly everything has changed." So, thank you for the inspiration that got me to my keyboard. Thanks to happilyshort for being a sounding board for this idea and all my other crazy "The Good Wife" related ramblings, fan fiction and otherwise. Nessakitty821, I appreciate your willingness to help me out on short notice-great suggestions! Last, but definitely not least, kudosto bad_fluffy/Gelfling for the beta help and encouragement! This is for you and all depressed A/K fans!
Crunch Berry Confessions
by goodwifefan
Kalinda was sitting alone in her living room when the doorbell rang and made her jump. "What the..." she thought, glancing at her watch and then the apartment door. It was just past midnight. Nobody came to her home unannounced.
With her hesitation came a knock, insistent and loud. "Alright, alright!" she thought. No point in pretending she wasn't home if the person in the hallway was so determined. "No good news comes at this hour," Kalinda thought, pushing onto her tip toes to see out the peep hole without the extra height of her boots.
She immediately felt her stomach lurch and her pulse race. "Alicia?" Kalinda thought, surprised and even more confused. She opened the door quickly, and Alicia lowered her fist, already poised to knock again.
"Good," she blurted out. "You're awake."
"Alicia." Kalinda said, with a slightly confused shake of her head. "What are you doing here?"
"I slept with Will." Alicia blurted out. Kalinda's face betrayed none of her shock.
"You..." Kalinda started.
"I slept with Will, and I needed to tell someone. You're the only person I could think of." Alicia confessed.
"Oh," said Kalinda. A beat. "Do you...want to come in?" Kalinda asked, making room as Alicia stepped past her, just inside the apartment. She closed the door quietly, taking a deep breath and a quick moment mentally before turning to face her guest and whatever this visit might bring.
"I don't know what to do now." Alicia continued. "I just left the hotel. I was headed home, but I couldn't go back there...not yet. And then I thought of you. I remembered that you gave me your address, so..." Alicia stopped mid-sentence, having turned and really looked at Kalinda for the first time since the door opened. She was nervous. Alicia had expected this to be awkward, but she hadn't expected this.
The investigator stood with one hand still on the door knob, and the other wrapped around an open box of Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries. She was wearing flannel Pink Panther pajama pants, lime green fuzzy house shoes, and a Deep Purple tour t-shirt that looked massive on her small frame. "So this is what casual Kalinda looks like, hmm?" Alicia asked in disbelief...her furrowed brow giving way to a barely contained smirk.
Kalinda gave her a "What of it?" look, as though this incongruity was the most natural and obvious thing in the world. "Nope. Casual Kalinda's usually nude." Then, without missing a beat, she said, "Want a drink?" and moved past Alicia to fill two tumblers with scotch at the bar.
"Sure," said Alicia, the expected awkwardness sinking in now. She looked around then, taking in her surroundings.
The only light in the room came from a lamp by the couch. The remains of a potato chip bag and a bottle of Tabasco sauce littered the coffee table. Next to them, there was an empty tumbler and a Jack Daniel's bottle lying on it's side. In the background, the canned laughter of "I Love Lucy" rang hollow in the awkward space between them.
"So..." Kalinda hesitantly began as she handed Alicia the liquor. "Does this mean we're talking again?" (A beat and a look that gave up nothing.) "Or are you just venting?"
Alicia squirmed under Kalinda's steady, but not judgmental, gaze. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out at first. She looked at the floor, took a drink, and looked back at Kalinda.
"Damn it, Kalinda!" Alicia said quietly. "I don't know. Maybe this was a mistake." She turned to leave, but Kalinda caught her arm.
"No. Wait. Don't go..." she exclaimed. Then, more softly, she added, "I'm glad you came, Alicia. I just...I don't know what you want from me."
Alicia stepped backwards and leaned against the door, shaking her head with a slight smile and scoff. "I don't know either, really." she said sincerely, staring at Kalinda's face. "But I...I wanted you to know."
"And now I do..." stated Kalinda evenly, adding a nearly imperceptible smile.
"And now you do," Alicia repeated, looking at her glass. There was so much unsettled between them that the awkwardness was palpable. She took another slow sip.
"So..." Kalinda ventured...wanting to keep Alicia talking so that she would stay. "What now?"
Alicia blew out an exasperated breath and slid down the door frame to the floor, defeated. "I have no idea." she said with a shake of her head.
Kalinda pursed her lips and nodded slightly, moving to take a seat next to Alicia against the door. She tilted the cereal box towards Alicia as an offering, after taking out a fistful herself, and was pleased to see her partake. "Well," Kalinda began tentatively. "What do youwant to happen now, Alicia?"
"With what? What are we talking about? Will? Or us?" Alicia asked. She did so while staring blankly across the room, avoiding Kalinda's gaze.
"Both." Kalinda stated evenly, willing Alicia to meet her stare. "The ball is in your court."
The silence was deafening for a few moments. Then Alicia very quietly said, "I knew there were others besides Amber. Peter told me as much. I just...I wasn't prepared for the idea that any of them might be someone I knew or cared about, you know?"
"Yeah," Kalinda responded absently, tapping her fingers lightly on the rim of her glass before taking a long swig from her scotch.
Alicia continued, "I've thought a lot about all of this lately, and I..." She hesitated, glancing at Kalinda before finishing her thought. "I realized my reaction had little to do with your connection to Peter. The most painful part for me was thinking that, after everything, you weren't honest with me, Kalinda. I didn't realize how much I relied on you, how deeply I had come to trust you, until that moment when I could no longer say with certainty that you were even on my side, never mind my friend."
"I never, ever, meant to hurt you, Alicia." Kalinda said. She tilted her head slightly, as if considering a different approach. "Maybe I should have been honest with you from the start. But you would never have given me the time of day after that, and we had to work together. Looking directly at Alicia, she stated, "We still have to work together..."
"Kalinda, I..." Alicia began, turning her head to look her. "I want things to be better between us. I..." she started, but the words seemed to catch in her throat, leaving her mouth open without sound. "I may have just made a mess of my entire life tonight. If that is the case, I am going to need a friend now more than ever." Alicia stated with less panic than she really felt. "I want to believe that you're really my friend, Kalinda...that I'm not 'just a housewife' that you mocked and pitied."
Kalinda held her gaze, willing herself quiet so that Alicia could express all that she needed to unload.
"I don't want pity. I want..." Alicia took a ragged breath, trying to maintain her composure. "I want to know that you have felt the loss of our time together these past few weeks as much as I have...because that friendship was real...as real as it felt to me all this time."
"Once I got to know you, I considered you a true friend." Kalinda replied. "I don't make friends easily, Alicia. I was afraid of losing that if you knew. That's all." Kalinda leaned firmly against the older woman's shoulder and let out a heavy sigh. "Look, Alicia...I'm not...good at emotional stuff. I'm not the best at expressing myself, (Alicia rolled her eyes and scoffed at the obvious understatement), but I have, verymuch, missed you. I was trying to protect us both. I didn't handle it well. I'm sorry." Kalinda stated emphatically.
Alicia smiled softly. "If I've learned anything in the past few years, it's that there are no easy answers. Neither of us handled it very well." A pause..."I'm sorry for the things I said to you at work." she said. Then softer, "I'm really glad you decided to stay at the firm."
Kalinda scoffed at that, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, well. Turns out Sophia would have put me at the States Attorney's office, heading all their investigation work, so I um...I decided Lockhart Gardner was a better option after all." she finished with an ironic half smile.
"You're kidding!" Alicia looked at her in disbelief.
"Nope." Kalinda answered. "I couldn't do it. I knew how it would've looked to you, and I didn't want to make things worse for either of us. So...I turned it down."
"Oh" was Alicia's only response. They drank in silence for a moment, absorbing all they had shared.
"I was half expecting you not to even be home." Alicia said.
"Well, hanging out at bars lost some of its appeal after you found out. She finished the last of her drink...weighing how much to disclose. "They reminded me of all our times together, how much I enjoyed having you around...how much I had hurt you."
Then, deciding to risk the truth, she added, "That made me hurt too." Alicia looked over at Kalinda, trying not to appear as shocked as she felt by this voluntary disclosure, and searched her face. The poker face was gone, and in its place, Alicia saw sincerity. "I didn't like feeling like I needed someone else. Caring scares me." she finished quietly.
With a soft and tender smile, Alicia moved her arm up and over Kalinda's shoulder, pulling her closer with a gentle squeeze. "Me too," she agreed. "But I'm glad you care, Kalinda...because I want you back in my life. I'm gonna need you in my corner." she said with a smile.
Kalinda looked her square in the eyes and said, "I'll always have your back, Alicia. Whatever you need.."
Alicia smiled, grateful, and her friend smiled back.
Nearing the end of the box, Kalinda offered the remnants of the cereal to Alicia. "God, no!" she said, waving the box away with a disgusted look. "Get those things away from me. I think I'm gonna puke as it is." she laughed. "I can't believe you eat this stuff...or (pointing at the table of discarded items)...thatstuff! What is all that anyway?"
"Dinner," Kalinda replied, deadpan. Alicia grimaced. Gesturing to the room with her glass in hand, she said, "This is nothing like I pictured. This scene in front of me."
"No?" Kalinda said with a small smile.
"No," Alicia repeated with a tease in her smile. "I Love Lucy, huh?" she smirked, finishing off her glass.
Kalinda shrugged. "Keeps my mind from spinning when I can't sleep, and it's safer than the home shopping network" she stated very matter of fact.
Alicia frowned and gave a conciliatory nod "Fair enough." They looked at each other and smiled easily.
Kalinda tilted her head and just looked at Alicia, waiting for the other big topic to emerge. Without missing a beat, Alicia picked up on Kalinda's unspoken expectation, their silent communication functioning again as if there had never been any static airwaves or interference between them.
"Okay, so..." Alicia began, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Ihaven't been out for drinks through all this either" she said, waving her hand around between them. "But this was such a draining case, so Will and I went out for a couple of drinks after we got the verdict last night. You know...just to wind down..."
"And...one thing led to another?" Kalinda offered.
"And" Alicia shook her head slowly, as if in disbelief, "one thing led to another." She looked at Kalinda. "What have I done, Kalinda?" Alicia asked, rubbing her face.
"You thought about yourself for once, that's what." Kalinda said. "How did it feel to finally do something just for you, Alicia?"
"Amazing!" she answered without hesitating. "Glorious, really!" she beamed. "It felt...very liberating."
Kalinda bit her lower lip in a pleased smile of anticipation. She was happy to see her friend do something she had wanted for so long, putting herself first for a change.
"I don't regret it." Alicia continued. "I just..." she said, her smile fading into a deep breath and sigh. "I don't want everything in my life to be a mess."
"Did you stay at the hotel or leave?" Kalinda asked, her mind working several steps ahead, trying to anticipate which of Alicia's concerns were legitimate.
"We got a room...well, the Presidential Suite." Alicia said, embarrassed.
"The..." Kalinda started to repeat, but just raised her eyebrow and a lopsided grin instead.
"I know! I told Will it was insane, but..."
"But there's no reasoning with a man in love and on a mission..." Kalinda finished, smiling.
"Yeah..." Alicia said. "There's that..." She looked distant...her mind obviously racing.
Kalinda turned her head and looked at Alicia as if seeing her for the first time. She swallowed, considering what she was about to reveal.
"I told him you were separated, Alicia." she finally volunteered.
Alicia just stared at her.
"I told Will."
"What? When?" was all she got out.
"It wasn't an accident of too much alcohol and too little inhibition, Alicia. After you confronted me, when I thought I was leaving the firm, I told Will that you had separated from Peter."
She cocked her head, saying, "You're not the only one who has talked with me about your relationship, Alicia." She watched the light bulb dawn and continued, "He thought things between you and Peter were back to normal, so he was trying to take a step back. I just..." Kalinda considered her wording before finishing, "...gave him a little nudge..."
"So he knew..." Alicia said, understanding more now.
"Yeah. He knew. He cares deeply for you, Alicia. We both do. We just want you to be happy."
Alicia smiled, and Kalinda smiled back.
"I don't know where to go from here, Kalinda." Alicia said, almost desperate. "What if someone saw us? What if it gets out at work? Or my kids find out from another stupid Googlealert!" She leaned her head back against the door and closed her eyes, exhausted by the thought of everything.
"You...go forward. One step at at time, Alicia." Kalinda told her friend. "That's all you can do." Then she squeezed Alicia's hand. "But you don't have to do it alone. I'm on your side. Whatever happens, you're gonna be okay."
Alicia teared up. "Thank you, " she said, looking down at their hands and squeezing.
With that, Alicia yawned, emotionally and physically exhausted.
"Oh, God...I have to get home." she said, almost whining. "Owen is either gonna be very worried or verysuspicious!"
Kalinda smiled, sympathetically. "You want me to call him? Tell him I'm pouring you into a cab as we speak?"
"Then he'll really be suspicious. He knows I'm not talking to you anymore." Alicia glanced sideways at her friend before smiling. "Or wasn't."
"Oh, well..." Kalinda reconsidered. "I can tell him the part of the truth that you don't mind him knowing." she said, standing up to create a suitable alibi. She was always better at thinking on her feet.
"You had a few drinks after the verdict and ended up here talking through things with me. We had a lot to settle, so you were here into the wee hours, and now I'm putting you into a cab home. How's that?" she smiled, offering her friend a hand up.
"Sounds like a plan." Alicia said, taking Kalinda's outstretched hand and standing up. "Thanks, Kalinda..." (she thought but didn't say..."for having my back, for tonight...for being real with me.") "For everything."
"Anytime, Alicia. Thanks for stopping by." Kalinda said, smiling as she opened the door for her friend to leave. "You go catch a cab, and I'll call your brother."
"Okay." Alicia smiled and exited the apartment saying, "See you at the office, Kalinda."
"Yep. See you in a few." Kalinda answered, matching Alicia's smile. She closed the door as Alicia entered the elevator, each of them leaning against the door with a contented sigh. They were both more at ease than they had felt in weeks.
Without warning Kalinda yawned. Rubbing the back of her neck, she went to turn off the television and the lamp. "I just might sleep tonight" she thought with a smile as she headed off to bed.