sink me in the river at dawn, a supernatural fanfic

sink me in the river at dawn
Sam, Dean, Jess (Gabriel, Castiel); Sam/Jess (Dean/Castiel of a sort); They can barely save themselves, let alone anyone else.

Sam has this strange feeling clinging somewhere in the back of his mind. He feels as if he's living a life that isn't his.

It all starts on a Tuesday - Sam feels like that's somehow supposed to be significant. He's in the middle of reading over case files when he suddenly gets this strange feeling that something is wrong. For a moment he thinks he's not supposed to be a lawyer, like there's this great big destiny out there for him. He calls Jess to talk to her about it.
"You're just having a midlife crisis moment," she tells him.
"I'm not old enough to have a midlife crisis," he tells her as he leans back in his chair.
"You're not as young as you think you are, Sam," she jokes and he laughs in response. Sam smiles and asks Jess about whether she wants to stay in or go out for dinner tonight and just like that the feeling is gone, pushed to the back his mind like it's something unimportant.

Three days later Sam starts to have a nightmare about fire and his brother and destiny; he wakes with a gasp. He looks down at Jess fast asleep right next to him and for the first time he can remember knowing she's there doesn't put him at ease. Sam doesn't remember falling asleep but when he wakes up the next morning he has this vague memory of bright light and peace.

One day during lunch Sam gets this desperate feeling that he really needs to call his brother. Something is wrong, his mind tells him, something about Dean.
The next thing Sam knows he's in his office with no idea how he got there but the desperate need to make sure his brother is okay is gone; he can't even remember what caused it.

"I don't know what's going on," he tells Jess, "I feel like I'm going mad."
"It's okay," she tells him, "we all go a little mad sometimes."

He gets in his car to go to work one day and ends up driving all the way to Bobby's house. Dean's in the front yard, fixing an old beat up car.
"This is all I can do," Dean tells him, "this is the only thing I can ever hold together, she's the only thing I'll have left in the end."
"That's not true," Sam says, "you still have me, and Bobby, and..." the name is lost on Sam's tongue, for a moment he has no idea who he means. His mind is telling him it's someone important to Dean, important to both of them. "And Mum and dad," Sam finishes, but the words feel like dust, like a falsehood. Dean looks up from the engine to smile at him; there's something off about it, some thing's wrong.
Sam curls up with Jessica to go to sleep that night but he doesn't remember how he got home.

He goes back to Bobby's the next day and the day after that; sometimes he thinks he hears screaming coming from inside the house.

"Why are you always working on this car when I come here?" Sam asks Dean.
"It's the only thing I can fix," Dean tells him, "It's all I have left."
"You still have me," Sam says. Dean looks up to smile at him but it's insincere. They've had this conversation a thousand times and Dean never believes him.

The screaming is getting louder, like there's something inside the house that wants Sam's attention.

"Why don't I remember anything?" Sam asks Jess one morning, "every day I wake up and I talk to Dean and I fall asleep with you, but I never remember anything in between."
"We always forget the boring parts," she responds, there's a sad smile on her face and Sam doesn't understand why.
"I feel like I'm only remembering the boring parts," he admits. He thinks about the conversation with Dean, the same conversation over and over again.
"Sometimes we forget the important parts," she says, the sad smile still on her face, "because the boring parts are easier."

He's in a dream, he thinks, a dream he can't wake up from.

"Why are you always working on the car?" Sam asks Dean.
"It's the only thing I can fix," Dean tells him, "It's all I have left." He's asked the question a thousand times before but he always gets the same answer.
"Why?" Sam asks, "why won't you trust me?" Dean turns and smiles at him, it's insincere but Sam feels like there's this sense of loss behind it. They've lost something important and Sam can't remember.

"Did you ever trust me?" Sam asks Jess.
"I always trusted you," she says, there's an affectionate smile on her face and for a moment Sam wants to drift off in it's warmth.
"Did he ever trust me?" Sam asks. The affection turns to this strange sort of sadness.
"Sam," she says. Her hand is on his face and there's a sadness in her eyes he can't comprehend. "You need to wake up," she tells him.
"I can't, I don't remember."

There's something in Bobby's house that Sam is afraid to face; something he's locked away, something he can't escape from.

"Where's Bobby?" Sam asks and Dean turns to look at him with surprise. It's like Sam has thrown out the script and Dean doesn't know what to do.
"Around," Dean replies.
"Is he inside?" Sam asks, he looks at the house and there's this fear running through him just from the sight of it.
"Don't you want to know why I don't trust you?" Dean asks.
"There isn't a reason," Sam tells him.
"There's always a reason."

Sam can vaguely remember a bright light and a sense of peace, waiting for him to make up his mind.

"Don't you want to know why I don't trust you?" Dean asks.
"I don't know," Sam admits, "you haven't trusted me in a long time."
"I don't trust anyone," Dean tells him.
"You trusted..." Sam can't remember the name, he thinks it must be one of those things he locked away in the house.
"People always let you down," Dean says, he looks at the old broken car with a sad smile. "This is the only thing I can fix, the only thing I have left."
"You still have me," Sam reassures him, he grabs onto Dean's shoulder in an attempt to prove his point.
"Not for long."

The bright light wants him to make a choice, to give up or to go on. Sam just wants to remember.

"It's in the house, isn't it?" Sam draws Dean's attention to him when he asks. His older brother looks confused. "What I'm trying to remember," Sam clarifies, turning to look at the house.
"I guess," Dean responds.
"Is that why you're always outside?" Sam thinks he's starting to get it now, starting to understand. "You don't want to go inside because you don't want to remember."
"Don't you want to know why I don't trust you?" Dean asks, changing the subject. Sam turns around to look at Dean and he think he finally gets it.
"Because you don't trust yourself," Sam responds. Dean looks away from him and over at the house.
"It doesn't matter anyway," Dean tells him. The screaming from the house is suddenly so loud it's deafening and the fear courses through him like a chill in his blood stream; so strong and so quick that Sam feels frozen. Sam can feel Jess' arms around him; strong and safe and warm, but he doesn't remember how he got here.

To give up or to go on, either way Sam will remember.

Sam stares at the front door of Bobby's house while Dean works on fixing an old beat up car.
"What's inside?" Sam asks, turning to look at Dean.
"Hell," Dean responds honestly.
"No," Sam says and Dean stops fixing the car to look up at him. "There's something else."
"What else would someone lock away in their own head?" Dean questions with a roll of his eyes. For the first time since this all began Sam hears an affectionate sort of amusement in his voice. As if Sam amuses him somehow.
"A name," Sam admits and Dean looks at the house with narrowed eyes. "If this is my dream then why are you afraid of going inside?" Sam asks.
"Who says it's your dream?" Dean responds.
"Where do you go when you're not here?" Sam asks, curious.
"I go fishing," Dean admits, "I don't remember why." Sam looks at the house and he realises he already knows what he wants to do, he doesn't remember what's inside but he thinks it's too important to forget.
"I've already made up my mind," he says, looking at Dean. The older Winchester crosses his arms and leans against the old car.
"Good for you," Dean responds. Sam has this sudden impulse, he walks over to the car and makes Dean move out of the way so he can open the trunk. "What are you doing?" Dean asks, there's a hint of panic in his voice, "you can't go in there." Sam doesn't listen he digs around until his hand catches on fabric and he pulls the trench coat out; Dean snatches it away from him as soon as he sees it.
"Hell isn't in that house," Sam realises. The screaming starts up again, loud and heartbreaking; like someone fighting for control, fighting for survival.
"I don't want to remember," Dean admits and he looks at Sam and he seems so scared. "I want to go back, I want to forget all of it." Sam finally gets it, the guilt pressing in on Dean; the man who dragged an angel down into the dirt and broke him. Sam thinks the only person Dean broke was himself. Just like that Sam finds himself in his office looking over case files.

Sam feels a hand on his shoulder while he's lost somewhere between asleep and awake.
"You have to wake him up," it says.

"How do I wake him up?" he asks Jess.
"I don't know," she admits.

He's standing in the junkyard staring at the front door of Bobby's house while Dean fixes up an old beat up car.
"I want to go inside," Sam tells Dean, he keeps his eye on the house but in his periphery he can see Dean stop working to look at him.
"We can't," Dean says.
"Why not?" Sam asks.
"I don't know how to fix it," Dean admits, "I can't fix him on my own."
"You don't have to," Sam tells him. "Dean," Sam turns to look at his brother. "Please, trust me." Dean hesitates for a moment. He looks at the house then he moves towards it and Sam follows.

Sam opens his eyes to Gabriel smiling at him but with a blink he's gone and Sam can't tell if he was ever really there. He has this vague recollection of a dream but the longer he's conscious the further away from him it drifts until he can't really remember anything at all. Sam starts to sit up but his head is killing him.
"Sam?" Dean calls out as he rushes into the room.
"Don't worry, I'm fine," Sam reassures him.
"Yeah, did you figure out how to stop that witch-monster-thing?" Dean asks. "Did you figure out what it was?"
"Uh, well I think I stopped it, but I don't remember figuring out what it was," Sam admits, "I think I hit my head pretty hard." Dean's hand moves across Sam's scalp to make sure he's not bleeding before grabbing him by his arm to help him stand up.
"Yeah okay," Dean says, "I'll trust you handled it before you knocked yourself unconscious." Sam punches Dean in the arm when he's sure he's capable of standing on his own. "Bitch," Dean spits out with an affectionate smile.
"Jerk," Sam retorts and smiles right back. For some reason Sam feels like things are going to be okay.