Normally I don't tell people to worry about being late with updates. "The true fans will wait," I tell them. However, this is when those writers are updating on their own schedule, when there are no obvious deadlines. However, when there's some obvious date to meet, like a contest deadline, it's certainly prudent to hurry up.
In case you're wondering, I've missed a deadline. The end of September was The Element Commander's birthday, and I promised something to help celebrate. That was weeks ago.
So, here I humbly and belatedly present EC's present. As usual, I have no idea what I'm doing.
This story contains spoilers for "We are the Smashers," as well as hints about its sequel. Enjoy.
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The town of Smashburo was a quiet place. This is because many of the children were off somewhere else. You see, these children aren't just kids. A little while back, they were recruited by Master Hand to fight the risen Tabuu. As one would expect from a Nintendo series, they won with grace and honesty. And luck. Lots of that, too.
The children resumed their normal lives afterwards, but the concept of "normal" is a funny thing. For example, for a Pokémon it's normal to eat berries right off of the bush without another thought. For a human, the same berries are catalogued, planted, raised, given pesticides, harvested, sorted, placed in containers, shipped to a grocery store, bought by a hungry patron, taken home, and finally eaten.
For most humans, the Pokémon part of the metaphor applies. For the kids, the berries that are raised by humans are the appropriate equivalent. What do you expect from kids taken forcefully from their homes and put through the trials of Subspace?
Not that they mind in the end. But Master Hand should have asked.
Maybe I'm not being clear. The kids literally are the Smashers. They have the ability to morph between their (mostly) human forms and their Smasher bodies. For example, Pit started as a young man named Angelo Icarus. The kids live at home, usually, but sometimes they go to the Smashers' world to mess around like the heroes they are.
They'd be doing that now, if it weren't for one tiny detail.
"He's almost here!" yelled a panicking Link. For indeed, he was.
He is the reason for this dual world we've been discussing. He is the madman who keeps many details straight, maintaining two entire worlds, their connection, and a presence in our world. He was a common face at the Mansion, the one who has given many a reader a good reason to stay on a site that is notoriously inconsistent. (Though at the time of this writing, it seems to have stabilized some.)
He…is the Element Commander.
And He…er, sorry, he is coming to his birthday party.
Oh, it's a grand affair to be sure. Streamers and banners and cups and plates and oh so many other things have been set up to celebrate this occasion. Fifteen years is a long time to live. Why, Pikachu and Pichu were jealous.
"I'm jealous because most wild creatures don't live that long," commented Pikachu casually.
"I'm not jealous. I swear! I-I-I gotta go!" …Pichu is rather neurotic sometimes.
Anyway, things were still not quite finished. The stage was incomplete, for one thing. It had been broken down once the "Reviews to the Smashers" had finished production. A lot of people missed that segment. Some didn't. Too bad for them.
Anyway, Link's outburst had been unnecessary. Everyone was aware of the inbound author. It was less than a minute until the writer arrived, and everyone who could tell time was aware of the impending doom.
Okay, maybe not doom, but it would be very embarrassing.
"I've got it!" declared the ever-happy Kirby. He sucked up all the remaining materials—and a few unlucky Smashers—and spit out his mouthful. Once he had finished spitting, everything was set up perfectly, even the Smashers! A saliva-soaked Wolf then proceeded to chase the puffball around the Mansion, swearing death threats and roaring about how the smell of bad breath was impossible to wash out of fur.
The Smashers, minus two, lined up in the meeting hall. And not a moment too soon, too. The author appeared, stepping out of a purple portal with a cheerful smile on his face. The portal burped afterwards, drawing laughs from the younger Smashers and questioning looks from the mature adults.
Nonetheless, the warriors greeted their guest with the same enthusiasm. "Welcome, EC! Happy birthday!"
"Aw, thanks, everyone!" the writer returned. "Thanks for hosting the party. I promise that this will be fun!"
"Oh, it'll be fun," promised Mario. "We've got a game set up! We think that you should earn your presents, you see. It's fun for everyone!"
"So, what, do I have to do dares?" The Commander looked concerned. Some of the Smashers could be rather cruel.
"Not quite," replied Young Link. "We have a stage set up so you can answer…"
BLOOM!
…Dang it, I knew I shouldn't have hired that one. Okay, my turn at effects. Let's see, press this button here and flip this switch…
JAZZ HANDS!
…Oh, for the love of Star Fox…Let's just go with that.
"Welcome, everyone," announced Mario—now holding a microphone and dressed in a tuxedo—"to 'Reviews from the Smashers'!" The crowd, composed of all of the Smashers (as Kirby and Wolf had finally rejoined the group) clapped and cheered. On the stage, the Element Commander sat attempting to hide his embarrassment.
As the applause died down, Mario began to explain the rules. "Ten of you, chosen by lot, are-a going to give one statement about the adventure. The Commander will get to-a respond, and then you can ask one question. Afterwards, the party will commence." The crowd cheered again. "Now-a! Let it…Begin!"
The screen—bought by the grateful Hyrule family back in Smashboro—began to flash names rapidly. Eventually, the roulette slowed, finally settling on Nana.
"Yay!" exclaimed the pink Ice Climber. "Uh, okay, first, thanks for not making me just the accessory to Popo."
The Element Commander smiled kindly. "You're welcome!" Boy, this was easy!
"And my question is…Can I hug you?"
So much for that.
"Uh…" EC floundered for words. "I-I guess?"
"Okay, thank you." Nana then sat down.
"Wait," the writer blinked in confusion, "you're not going to hug me?"
"Nope!" Nana reclined and grinned. "I just wanted to know if you'd let someone do that."
Mario cut in here. "Okay, then next reviewer is…" Everyone waited expectantly for the screen to stop. Finally it settled on a name. "Ganondorf!"
"Good. Kid, you have a lot to learn about being evil. A mastermind doesn't just sit back and command mindlessly. A true leader thinks things through down to the finest detail."
EC looked at Ganon skeptically. "If that's so, then why does Link always win?"
Ganon grimaced in return. "Because the Goddesses cheat. It's hard to fight the divine, brat. Anyway, my question is why I'm not the main villain?"
"Because you're not the main enemy in the SSB series," replied the author coolly. "Next question, please."
The randomizer spat out the next name. "Lucas!" Mario announced.
The timid psychic stood. "Hey, um, thanks for not making me sound like a weak coward like Nintendo. It's really good to know people don't hate me for that."
"You're very welcome," returned the Commander.
"Okay, so why did you put the Runaway Guys into the story?"
"Because," EC laughed, "they're funny. Also, they're important."
Lucas' dark eyes widened. "Like, they're important to the story? But we won!"
"You'll find out," the author replied slyly.
"Okay-a, since Lucas asked two questions, we'll count that as-a double. The next questioner is Kirby!"
"HIIII!" exploded the pink puffball. "I think it's great that you tried to keep siblings together! I'd be sooooo lost without Hoshi!"
"Well, it would be mean to split up families," the writer replied cheerfully.
Kirby began to dance in his seat. "I wanna know why you did 'RttS' in the first place!"
"To connect to the audience, of course!" My, Kirby's youthful joy puts everyone in a happy mood.
The next contender was Ike. "Hey! I knew I had real skills. Your story showed everyone how much sense I really have!" The savior of Tellius held up two quarters. "See? Fifty sense!"
The Smashers around Ike sweat-dropped, but the EC seemed to be pleased with the unintended pun. "I'm glad to help! I thought it was funny," he said with a grin.
"Yeah!" agreed Ike. "Much better than what you did with poor Roy." The redhead in question protested, but he strained his vocal chords in the process. "Anyway, my question is thus: When Batman gets pulled over for speeding, does he produce his Bruce Wayne license or does he present an ID that says Man, Bat?"
This threw the writer for a loop, and he spent about a minute pondering the question. Finally, inspiration struck. "He does neither. When the cop's back is turned, he and his car disappear mysteriously."
"Ooh, fascinating…" crooned Ike, who was wearing glasses and writing down notes on a clipboard. The mercenary then turned to the camera and said, "By the way, Toon Link is up next."
Indeed, the cartoony kid had already commented, to which the EC replied, "Yeah, candelabras are strange sometimes. So what's your question?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Toony consulted a piece of parchment. "Why is Young Link named 'Young' in his human life?"
"Because he's the younger brother," the author answered simply.
"But I'm the youngest. Why aren't I called 'Youngest'?"
"Well, the obvious answer is because Young became Young Link and 'Tommy' is closer to 'Toony' than 'Youngest'. However, if you want logic, then it's because Young was the younger brother until you came along."
A smattering of applause came from those Smashers who valued logical logic over Nintendo logic. Of course, this being a Nintendo series, logical logic is about as common as Pikachu in the original Gold and Silver versions. Seriously, there are like two patches of grass in the entire games where Pikachu show up, and they have a four- or five-percent chance of appearing. You were much better off trading Pikachu from Yellow Version, as that Pikachu had better stats and came with the Light Ball—
Sorry, off-track. Moving on.
"Since Toony asked-a two questions, we'll count it twice again," announced Mario.
"Sounds like somebody's being lazy," grumbled Bowser.
"Or maybe he just wants to get to the cake. I baked it, you know," Peach said from behind Bowser—where she could watch him.
"The ninth questioner is…Master Hand!"
"This show iz ridged!" called Crazy Hand from behind the snack table, where he was attempting to shove chips into his mouth—while in Hand form.
Ignoring his brother's outburst, Master Hand began. "First, I'd like to say thank you for putting a twist on an easy idea. I don't think anyone has ever successfully used OCs as Smashers. I do miss the original group, but the people you've…chosen are fantastic replacements. Second, I'd like to thank you for not making any of them obnoxious—well, at least not any of the Smashers."
"It's been a pleasure," replied the Commander. "It wasn't easy coming up with a new theme every chapter, but I think it turned out rather well."
"I'd agree. Though I did not enjoy prison. Anyhow, I'd like to know if you know what happened to the original Smashers. They seem to have just…disappeared."
"I'm sorry," said the writer sympathetically, "but they vanished without warning."
"Heh heh, it was-a convenient for us," growled Wario. He was promptly silenced by many glares. It should be noted that the current Smasher remember their past lives.
"I-a think we should move along," suggested Mario. The suggestion was met with much agreement. "So, let's-a see who the last questioner is!"
The randomizer seemed to take longer than usual. Names kept running across the screen. Finally, Falco noticed that about five minutes had passed, and whacked ROB to set his random number generator back in order. After another ten seconds the roulette ended on…
"'Get the door'?" yelled the Smashers in surprise. While the group muttered among themselves, Red the Pokémon Trainer got up and opened the main door. He was immediately pelted by snow, followed by rain, followed by a duck.
Frustrated, Red tried the broom closet, only to be assaulted by cleaning implements. "Why did I think otherwise," the bruised Trainer muttered.
Suddenly, an angry rattling came from a microwave set up nearby to heat food when it grew cold. Cautiously, Red pressed the release button for the covering.
Out popped an author. This author tumbled to the ground, followed by a laptop. Clearly, he'd been sleeping in a warm place, as he was snoring and sweating. Red nudged the author with his foot, and the author groaned in response.
Sitting up, the Smashers could see a nametag attached to his sweatshirt. "Foxpilot," it read. Olimar gathered his Pikmin and ran from the room.
The first thing the newcomer did was turn to his computer. The next thing he did was jiggle the external mouse. The third thing he did was jiggle the mouse harder. The fourth and most telling thing he did was burst out, "For the love of bugger, I knew I should have slept in the fridge! It's going to take so much work to un-fry this thing."
"Ahem," intoned Master Hand. This finally got Foxpilot's attention.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I suppose I should explain myself. Well, first I wanted to wish the Element Commander—hello by the way—so I decided to write a little story. Then it spiraled into this, and then I realized that I never got to return to the Mansion at the end. So, since this in my own little foray into this world anyhow, I figured I'd drop by for the party."
"Fine," MH huffed. "But no bothering Olimar."
"Deal," grinned the visiting author. "Now, I believe that I've been selected for the final question. So, if I may. First, I'd like to say how much of a pleasure it's been to watch you grow as a writer. I started expecting an unintentional clone of PitFTW's 'Guardians Arise!' story, but it's really evolved into something all its own. Congratulations."
"Uh, thanks. And thanks for following me for so long."
"Certainly, EC. Now, here's my question—and think carefully. Why?"
The Commander looked confused. "Why what?"
Foxpilot grinned. "When you answer that, you're ready to blend philosophy with humor. Pure humor is fun, but thinking is an invaluable skill. Now, let's party!"
"I brought the cake!" announced Crazy Hand. The cake then exploded into presents, which all opened themselves to reveal more cake. One of the projectile cakes landed in Foxpilot's face.
And everyone laughed. Really…bleeping…hard.
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Happy birthday, Element Commander! I'm later than insert metaphor here, but I followed through.
Also, I hope you enjoyed the little reference to another good author. I'm sure it's easy to find. (Not that easy. I'm not that narcissistic, thank you.)