Disclaimer: The lyrics are Pompeii by Bastille, and are in no way mine. The characters are JKR's and unfortunately aren't mine either.
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
It started off as an ordinary day, pleasing to an extent, but repetitive. Lily woke, went to breakfast, sat next to her friends to lessons, had dinner, aimlessly meandered around the castle with her boyfriend as they made small talk, and walked back to Gryffindor Tower alone. As she walked, she realised how bored she was of doing the same thing day in, day out, since she'd started dating Tom. For months, all she'd done was attend lessons and walk with Tom. Which was nice, they got on famously as friends, but Lily couldn't help but wish they'd stayed that way. Being in a relationship just added extra expectation that Lily didn't want to deal with. She just didn't feel the spark.
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
As she walked, still lost in her thoughts, she encountered James Potter. He asked her what was wrong. Merlin knows what made her tell him everything. Maybe it was the flippant way he posed the question, like he didn't care but the way the crease in his forehead begged to differ. In the following minute, he made her laugh, made her angry and made her smile.
"What do you expect? You're dating a Hufflepuff." Laugh.
"Maybe it's because you're so boring, you're boring yourself. Actually, maybe you're just a terrible kisser." Anger.
"Well, I think you deserve better." Smile.
She was snogging him against the wall the minute after.
Of course Lily knew it was the worst idea she'd ever had, but as he responded enthusiastically she couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, it was also the best thing she'd ever done.
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
Waking up, Lily rolled over in her bed, preparing herself for another day of sameness. She remembered the events of the night before and groaned. Shame built up inside her, and she didn't even bother to try and push it down. She should live with the guilt – it was her fault after all.
She also tried to ignore the way her heart beat a little bit faster every time she thought of James.
As usual, Lily got ready for the day in her dorm with her friends, and left for breakfast with them. When they reached the Great Hall, Lily separated and shuffled towards the Hufflepuff table, intent on telling Tom exactly what had happened between her and James.
Just as she walked up to her boyfriend, Lily caught a glimpse of James at the Gryffindor table. He was glancing around the Hall. Looking for her, Lily suspected, but when he found her, their eyes met for a fraction of a second before he continued his perusal of the room. Lily hadn't quite known what to expect when she first saw James after the night before, but it certainly wasn't for him to not acknowledge her at all.
"Are you alright, Lily?" Tom asked, looking up at her from his seat at the Hufflepuff table. He looked confused as to why she was there, as if a girl shouldn't ever defer from routine to see her boyfriend at breakfast.
Lily tucked her hair behind her ear. "Er, yeah," she said, glancing at James again, who was now laughing with Peter. She focused her gaze back on Tom. "I just wanted to tell you that there's a prefect meeting tonight, so I can't meet you."
Tom frowned, and then nodded. Neither of them had cancelled on each other before, but he couldn't argue with Head Girl business. "Sure, yeah. I'll see you later then?"
After assuring him that he would, Lily went to the Gryffindor table and picked at some eggs. She waited for Tom to leave the Hall, which he did five minutes later. When the coast was clear, Lily scuttled around the emptying Hall, telling various prefects about the meeting that night. Most of them grumbled, so Lily admitted it wasn't really important – it wasn't as if she actually had anything planned.
She saved telling James until last. She'd hoped to avoid it, but after she'd told all the prefects in the Hall, including the Slytherins, James was one of the last still sat at the table.
Slowly she walked over, trying to calm her pounding heart.
"Is there some big prefect secret you're not telling me?" James asked, raising an eyebrow.
Lily found herself staring at his smirking lips. Mentally kicking herself, she looked at Remus instead. He looked at her knowingly. Lily nearly burst into tears right there. James had obviously told Remus, and from the looks on Sirius and Peter's faces as she looked at them, he'd told them all.
"There's a meeting tonight," she said, proud of how steady she sounded.
"Bit short notice," noted Sirius. "Almost like the Head Girl is avoiding something – or someone."
Lily glared at Sirius, and noticed James doing the same. "Sirius," he warned.
Holding his hands up in mock innocence, Sirius stifled a laugh.
For the first time that day, James looked Lily in the eye, and she looked back at him. "Sorry, I had to," he apologised.
As much as she didn't like it, Lily understood. She would've told her friends too if it was the other way round; if she wasn't the one cheating. Collapsing on the bench next to Remus, Lily put her head on the table. "Don't tell anyone," she pleaded.
Despite her voice being muffled by the table, Peter replied. "We won't."
Remus agreed. Lily lifted her head to look at Sirius across from her. "What about you?"
Glancing at James, Sirius seemed to ponder the question seriously. "Fine," he conceded. "Just sort it out."
Lily pushed herself up from the table. Satisfied, she began to walk away. As she passed James, she turned to him. He looked in her direction, but didn't meet her eyes. Lily had thought he wasn't affected, but she was starting to think he was more hurt by the situation than she'd thought.
"I'll tell him," she promised before speeding to her first lesson.
Despite her promise, Lily didn't tell Tom anything, even though he was in most of her lessons. In Potions, it would've been easy for Lily to sneak over to Tom's desk, cast the 'Muffilato' charm and tell him about James. While she was at it, she could've ended their relationship too, then gone and found James…
But something stopped her. She didn't want to hurt Tom, or throw their relationship away, over one moment of madness with James Potter. So, Lily carried on as if everything was normal, and only Marlene took her aside to ask if she was okay, to which Lily responded she was just tired.
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
Ten minutes before the prefects meeting was due to start, Lily was sat in the Charms classroom they used to hold the meetings. Although, usually, she was more prepared. Once the prefects began to trickle in, Lily resigned herself to looking like an idiot. There were more prefects than she'd expected. Having told most of them the meeting wasn't important, she thought only a few would show up, but all of the fifth years and a few of the sixth years were present.
"Right, then, let's start without James," said Lily after a few minutes of the door remaining shut. "As you all know, a huge part of being a prefect is setting a good –"
The door swung open, cutting Lily off in the middle of regurgitating the speech McGonagall gave the first year she became a prefect – Lily was hoping her speech changed every year. James strode into the room, and stood next to Lily at the front, whilst Remus slipped into a desk near the back of the room.
"Sorry I'm late," James announced. "I made Lily schedule this meeting so we could see how many of you actually take being a prefect seriously."
Not the best save, Lily thought, but she appreciated the effort.
"And, from the turn out," he continued, surveying those who had shown up, "I'm guessing a lot of you aren't bothered. So, from now on, we want full attendance at the meetings. Tell that to everyone who isn't here, because I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time doing it."
Lily glanced sideways at James. Considering he was obviously making it up on the spot, his speech was quite passionate, and Lily could see a few of the prefects look away nervously.
Gesturing towards the door, James said, "You can go now."
Obediently, the younger prefects left the room, some looking disgruntled, but none disputed James. Once the last one had shut the door behind her, James looked at Remus, who was standing, and they both burst out laughing.
"That was amazing for someone who doesn't even take being Head Boy seriously," commented Remus.
"I take offence to that, Moony. I take it very seriously," said James, sending them off on another round of laughter.
Subtly, Lily tried to edge her way out of the room.
"Lily, wait."
Exhaling slowly, Lily turned to James. "Yes?"
Not even trying to be subtle, Remus left the room.
"I just wanted to say…" James ran his hand through his hair. "I don't even know what I want to say."
James groaned, and moved to sit on the teacher's desk.
Lily took a step backwards, still aiming for the door. She really didn't want this now. Couldn't he just… forget it ever happened?
"Did you feel something too?"
From the sigh he expelled, Lily guessed that wasn't what James meant to say. She thought back to the previous night and she didn't want to admit it, but there had definitely been a spark; exactly what she was missing with Tom.
"No," she lied. "Bye, James."
With her back to him, Lily reached to open the door but suddenly James' hand was on her arm. She looked up at him defiantly, meaning to yank out of his grasp and slide out of the door.
"You did, didn't you?" he asked, but it didn't sound like a question. He knew, he just wanted her to admit it.
Whilst his mouth was forming the words, Lily's eyes somehow became trained on his lips, remembering how they felt on hers. Concluding there was no point in denying it when she could even take her eyes off his lips, she nodded. He leaned forward slightly, more like a tip of his head in her direction, as if he was daring her to take the next step.
She did.
As their lips met, Lily struggled to remember why she had been trying to prevent this happening, why this hadn't always been happening. James backed Lily into the wall, caging her in with his body. It was explosive, passionate, not just nice like it was with Tom.
Oh.
Panting lightly, she pulled away. She had made everything so much worse.
James sighed. Backing away, he ran his hands through his hair again. "I'm sorry," said James, not sounding sorry at all.
"I swear I'll end it with Tom tomorrow," whispered Lily.
Inwardly cursing herself, Lily burst out of the room into a, thankfully, empty corridor, leaving James stood alone.
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
True to her promise, Lily sought Tom out the next morning. As it was Saturday, she figured her best bet was to go down to the Hall, to see if he was having breakfast, and if that failed, wait outside the Hufflepuff Common Room until someone took pity on her.
She didn't get as far as the Hall, as she came face to face with Tom on the fourth floor. He seemed to take years to approach her in the corridor. With each step she took, Lily's throat became increasingly tight.
She couldn't even meet his eyes. "I was just looking for –"
"Why did you organise a fake prefects meeting?" he demanded.
Lily started chewing on her bottom lip. It wasn't even as if Tom looked that angry, just confused, and a little hurt.
When she didn't say anything, Tom continued, "And why were you snogging James Potter?"
"I can explain," said Lily automatically, trying not to flinch away.
He nodded at her in an invitation to explain, knowing she couldn't. They stood there in silence, Lily's face flaming. Several people walked past, mostly younger years, but Lily hoped they couldn't hear what exactly was being said.
"I'm sorry," she murmured finally.
Turning away, Tom called "Just go back to James Potter!"
Guiltily, Lily returned to her dorm, and told her friends everything. Marlene was supportive, claiming that James was 'way hotter, anyway', but Dorcas lectured Lily on the moral crime she'd committed. Lily ignored her as best she could.
When Lily and Marlene went down to lunch, they sat at the end of the Gryffindor table. Lily could feel Tom's eyes boring holes into the back of her head.
Across from her, Marlene's gaze shifted away from Lily. She sighed. "Tom's talking really fast and all of his mates are staring at you."
"Oh Merlin," Lily groaned. "The whole school's gonna know about it soon."
Marlene's gaze returned to the redhead and she shook her head vehemently. "They'll keep it to themsel– " the head shaking stopped and her next words came out in a rush "Stephen just turned to Cerys Adams."
Immediately Lily spun her head round to check if what Marlene was saying was true. It was. "No, no no," she whispered, fixing Marlene with a helpless stare. Despite only being a fourth year, Cerys Adams had mysterious ways of flinging gossip around.
Before Marlene could say anything, Lily jumped up from the bench and began speedily walking out of the Hall. The doors were in reaching distance when Lily heard a raised voice.
"Hey, Evans!"
Not wanting to run away, Lily took a deep breath and turned back into the Hall. "What, Cerys?"
The Hufflepuff grinned vindictively. "Is it true you slept with James Potter?"
Whispers erupted. Lily glanced at Tom, who looked almost as red as she felt. He looked apologetic, but continued to just sit there and let the scene unfold.
"No!" shouted Lily. Everyone seemed to be looking between her and Cerys, not sure who was telling the truth.
"But you snogged him though?"
It seemed as if the Hall was silent, everyone waiting for Lily's reply. Desperately, she cast her eyes to the Gryffindor table. She spotted James immediately, sat with his friends. He was looking at her with one eyebrow raised. A challenge.
She had already disappointed one boy today, and adding another to the list wasn't a priority. "Yes."
James' other eyebrow rose – clearly, he wasn't expecting her to admit it. Apparently the rest of the school weren't either as nearly everyone in the room gasped at the new information and turned to their friends to discuss it.
When Lily looked at Cerys, it looked as if she was going to get another dig in at Lily, but couldn't over the noise. Lily was grateful and scarpered out of the Hall. She wasn't quick enough, however, to miss the names she was being called in conversation.
Slag, bitch, whore.
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
With slurs being thrown at her wherever she went, Lily wasn't feeling too amicable towards James Potter. After all, he knew that she had a boyfriend. Of course it was her fault as well, but it was easier to just focus on blaming James.
The day before, she'd purposefully avoided everyone by staying in her dorm the whole day. But, as it was Monday, she couldn't do the same again – unfortunately.
"Lily," called James as he caught up with her in the corridor. "Are you okay?"
Lily felt everyone in ear shot become acutely aware of her. She heard a whisper of 'slut' but carried on walking as if she wasn't the infamous centre of attention. It had been two days since everyone found out, but unfortunately nothing else had happened to divert the interest.
Walking beside her, James nudged her with his elbow. She felt terrible, but couldn't bring herself to acknowledge him, especially not with an audience. Speeding up her pace and ducking into the Arithmancy classroom as quick as she could seemed like the only viable option. As she slid into an empty desk at the back, she thanked Merlin that James didn't take Arithmancy.
The whole way through the lesson, Lily dwelled over the way she'd just blatantly ignored James. To make her day even worse, Professor Vector's class was not one to be distracted, causing Lily to walk out with extra homework.
Instead of skipping dinner and going straight to the library, as was Lily's norm when a huge mound of homework awaited, she reluctantly followed the crowd to the Hall. Ignoring the not-so-subtle whispers about her, Lily made her way straight to James. As she approached, Sirius fixed her with a dirty look but James didn't even spare her a glance.
She stood behind Peter, and Remus gave her a small smile from next to him. "I'm sorry, James."
No reply.
Taking a deep breath, Lily tried again. "Can we talk?"
Deliberately, James picked up his goblet of pumpkin juice and drank slowly.
"I think you should leave," said Sirius coldly.
So suddenly everything was her fault? She had half the school gossiping about her, so she'd thought she'd try and avoid James until it all calmed down – and now he refused to look at her.
"Fine," snapped Lily. "But don't you dare even think about trying to come near me again."
She'd half expected James to follow her out of the Hall, but when she entered the library she was still alone.
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
Hand clutching quill, eyes trained on the Arithmancy textbook…
Brain thinking about James Potter.
After sitting for half an hour and not writing a single word, Lily admitted defeat and put her quill down and slumped back in her chair.
She couldn't believe she'd cheated on Tom – she was possibly the most despicable person on the planet. Death Eaters probably didn't even cheat on their boyfriends.
And then she'd gone and ignored James. Why on earth did she tell him to stay away from her? Even now she was imagining his lips against hers. She thought of the easy way he could evoke a multitude of emotions from her, when Tom barely brought fondness to the surface.
No, she definitely shouldn't have told James to stay away from her; she should've told him the exact opposite.
In your pose as the dust settled around us
Wednesday was the only time Lily had ever felt happy about two sixth years caught doing the deed in a broom cupboard. From the time she left the dorm with Marlene and Dorcas (who had thankfully forgiven her) to arriving in Transfiguration after breakfast, Lily didn't hear a single comment about herself.
McGonagall spent most of the lesson teaching the theory behind Human Transfiguration. They were learning to change the physical appearance of noses.
"Everyone get into pairs," called McGonagall ten minutes before the end of the lesson. "Practise changing the shape of your partner's nose now so you know the weaknesses to focus on when we have a whole lesson to practise next time."
Lily looked to her left to see that Marlene and Dorcas were together. None of her other friends took NEWT Transfiguration. Glancing around the classroom, she saw that everyone else was paired up – except Tom.
Inhaling slowly, Lily walked over to him. She attempted a smile, but it felt more like a grimace so she settled for a straight face instead. "Can I go with you?"
Tom nodded stiffly. He wasn't completely ignoring her, which was a good sign. Lily stood less than a metre away from Tom. She could see each individual eyelash. A few weeks ago, she would have been sorely tempted to kiss him if they stood like this. Now, though, she felt nothing.
Clearing his throat, Tom lifted up his wand so Lily lowered hers. Determinedly, he said the incantation aloud and tapped Lily's nose.
Lily knew something was wrong immediately. Her nose started to grow, which she'd expected, but it didn't stop. It carried on growing in all directions until it obscured her view. Silence fell over the classroom for a second before all Lily could hear was gleeful laughter. Holding up the bottom of her gigantic nose to stop herself from tipping over, Lily attempted to manoeuvre herself to the front of the classroom. She stumbled into a desk and barely managed to keep upright.
"Stay there, Miss Evans," said McGonagall's voice from close by. Lily felt a tap on her nose and in a few seconds it had shrunk back to normal size. Face glowing, Lily glanced around the classroom; everyone's eyes were on her and a few were still laughing – including James and Sirius.
"Your weakness, Mr Hyde, has clearly been identified. You can work on that next lesson and in detention tonight." The professor gave Lily a sympathetic nod and dismissed the class.
Trying to avoid anyone who might have heard about the incident, Lily wandered the corridors aimlessly for a while after enduring a full day of lessons filled with people pointing at her nose and mimicking the way she'd stumbled around the room.
At one point, she saw James up ahead of her. She shouted his name. His pace quickened and he turned a corner. Unsure whether she wanted to kiss him or yell at him for laughing at her, she followed him around the corner only to find that he'd disappeared.
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Lily chose completely the wrong moment to enter the common room. She was halfway through the password when the portrait swung open. Glad to be away from the Fat Lady's judging stares, Lily looked up gratefully.
Stood on the other side of the hole was James. "Ladies first," he said, gesturing for Lily to climb through. It was the first time he'd talked to her in days. He must've forgiven her – finally. She didn't quite know how to behave around him anymore.
She fought the urge to stare at her feet, settling instead to stare at the window at the other side of the room – anywhere but James. Turning bright red, she stepped through, but her left foot caught on the metal frame, sending her stumbling. Chivalrously James reached out to steady her. Without meaning to, Lily flinched away. When she realised what she'd done, she finally brought her eyes to James'. He looked hurt.
Lily tried a weak laugh. "Sorry," she apologised, trying to sound light-hearted. "Being labelled a slut tends to make you cautious about any human contact."
Taking a deep breath, James let go of the portrait and it slammed behind them. "It's all about you, isn't it?"
Lily knew that tone. It was James' way of saying he was done with everything; Lily had heard him use it with Sirius multiple times, but never with her. She glanced around the common room, noting all the people who were going to witness the scene.
"I'm sorry," she began, "I didn't mean-"
He cut her off. "You don't even care that I'm getting blamed for this too! You think you're the only one getting called names?"
Immediately the common room fell silent as James' voice rose. The whole room stared, transfixed.
"Of course I care," Lily whispered, desperately trying to diffuse the situation. "I was just…"
Again, James interrupted. "I've got people slagging me off –"
Lily felt her blood boiling. She tried to tell herself it would be better if she just turned away and left him seething. But, apparently, Lily was never able to leave James be.
"You shouldn't have had sex with a girl with a boyfriend then!" She burst out furiously.
Gasps ensued from their audience. A small part of Lily wished she didn't reveal the extent of her cheating, but an even bigger part felt vindicated.
James looked shocked – whether at her accusation or her confession, Lily wasn't sure – but didn't miss a beat. "It took two people to do what we did!"
"I was upset, and you took advantage," Lily said calmly, and she almost believed it herself. Maybe it would all be easier if she passed all the blame on to James.
"Don't lie, you were all over me," he scoffed.
Lily sensed the allegiance of the people in the room firmly with James. For some reason this made her determined to hurt him. "Only because you were the only one there."
Taking a deep breath, James looked away from Lily and she knew she'd won the argument. That didn't make her feel any better at all; she wanted to wave her wand and take all her spiteful words back.
After a few moments of absolute silence, James looked her straight in the eyes. Quietly, he said, "I've liked you for so long, Lily, but you've just proved I've been wasting my time. I'm done with you."
When the portrait closed with a sense of finality, Lily's heart sunk to her feet. Ignoring all offerings of sympathy and insults, she made her way up to her bed and descended into it without bothering to change.
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
From her new seat at the back of the dungeon, Lily quietly accepted the parchment from Slughorn. As he passed it to her, the professor's mouth was pressed into a thin line, but he didn't say anything. She was grateful to him for that; she didn't need any more attention being drawn to her, especially now everyone knew the extent of her cheating on Tom.
Lily regarded the P scribbled at the top of her page with unsurprised disdain. All of her grades were dropping; thankfully most of them hadn't gone down to failing level. She had become some sort of pariah within the school and found it hard to focus on school work when all she was thinking about was the rude names she'd been called that day.
After sitting through her next lesson, Transfiguration, without gaining an abnormally huge nose, Lily waited until everyone left the classroom before walking up to Professor McGonagall. "Professor?"
"Yes, Miss Evans?" answered McGonagall, taking a seat at her desk.
"I just wanted to give you this," said Lily as she unpinned her 'Head Girl' badge from her robes. She placed it carefully on the desk. "I need to resign."
McGonagall eyed the badge. "What on earth makes you think you need to resign?"
Lily hugged her arms to her chest. "My grades are going down and no-one respects me; I don't deserve it."
"Oh Lily," sighed McGonagall as she stood up. Lily was certain this was the only time the professor had ever called her by her first name. "You can't let a rough patch ruin your year."
"You don't understand, Professor," insisted Lily.
The older woman placed a comforting hand on Lily's shoulder. "We staff members do tend to hear student rumours too, you know," she said. Lily blushed furiously. "It'll die down soon." McGonagall removed her hand and sat back down, which Lily took as a dismissal. "It always does."
Lily was halfway to the door when she was called back by McGonagall, who pointed at the badge still lying on the desk. As she walked back to collect it, Lily thanked McGonagall, who just smiled.
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
It was Saturday morning, two weeks had passed since Lily and Tom had broken up and Lily knew it was time to face him. She cornered him in the Entrance Hall.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly before he could escape. "I know I shouldn't have done it but I was just so bored in our relationship – sorry – and James was there and it just happened and I know I'm a terrible person –"
"Lily," interrupted Tom. "Stop."
Lily stared at him. "But…"
Tom sighed. "I know it was boring, and I don't think you're a terrible person."
"You don't?"
"Honestly, I was going to break up with you soon anyway. I'm kind of glad you did it, just so I didn't have to."
Lily inhaled slowly. "Oh. Well…"
He offered her a tentative smile. "I wish you'd waited until after we ended to sleep with James Potter, though."
"I know, I'm sorry."
As he turned to walk away, Tom looked undecided. He turned back quickly and held out his hand. Silently, she took it and they shook hands.
"See you around," he said and walked away.
Lily stood in the Entrance Hall for about five minutes after, feeling relieved and confused.
Oh oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Lily managed to corner James the same day; she saw his retreating figure in the corridor and this time when she shouted, he turned around.
"I am so, so, so sorry," grovelled Lily as she caught up with him. "I was a massive bitch."
She looked at James, hoping that would be enough, but he just inclined his head. "Go on."
"I'm sorry for ignoring you in the first place, I know I shouldn't have done that but I was just so upset and confused," Lily said. She took a deep breath and continued when it became obvious James wasn't going to interrupt. "You were right about everything you said. I was all over you, and it was my entire fault – I was upset and just taking it all out on you. I was lying when I said it only happened with you because you were the only one there; it only happened because you were there."
James raised his eyebrows. "And?"
Through her eyelashes, Lily looked up at him. "I really hope you aren't done with me."
Lily counted one heartbeat, two, three, four, five.
"I don't think I'll ever be done with you." He grinned and closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Lily's waist. Her arms went around his neck and she breathed him in. "I'm sorry for taking advantage of you."
Shaking her head, Lily assured him that he didn't. She unwrapped her arms from his neck and stepped back from him, watching his arms fall to his sides. "What do you think, then? Can we give it a go?"
James chuckled. "Are you sure I won't bore you?"
Fixing him with a glare, Lily waved her wand threateningly. "Don't make me hex you, Potter."
"It's pronounced sex, Lily."
Lily laughed as she rolled her eyes. He bent down, and she debated actually hexing him for that comment. Instead, she met his lips with hers.
As they kissed, Lily was certain she could feel the spark.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed that! Thanks for reading and please review/favourite/subscribe if you liked.