her solace; nanako dojima; hinted nanadachi
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The pretty lady at the hospital told Nanako she was sick.
Not sick, as she was in the hospital nearly a year ago today. But a different kind of sick. One that made Dad stare at her, with horror settled in his deep brown eyes. She fails to understand why her Dad looks at her like that. She is confused, her small mind clouded with both ill and confusing thoughts. Does he not love her anymore? Does he hate her because she is sick?
She keeps wondering, as life goes on.
He ties small red ribbons into her hair, every morning. Not speaking, not whispering his love, not giving her sweet, gentle hugs like he used to. Instead, he reaches into the cupboard, removing a small, orange bottle from it. Nanako always thought it was pretty. Even the odd, small round thing he pulls from it is pretty.
Dad promises her she will get better. She believes him, and willingly swallows the round thing. He pats her head, warmly, and offers a strained smile. This is their new routine, ever since Big Bro left.
Nanako didn't like change, but she promises Dad she will be strong. He only smiles, promising her he'll be home early again, patting her head gently before heading out to work. She is happy he comes home early every night these days. That way, his evil friend wouldn't come to get her anymore.
"Dad is strong," she assures herself, every day, all day. "He'll protect me from the bad man."
And he does. Ever since Dad took her out of school, he's protected her from the mean people of the outside world. He tells her they'll only mistreat her and give her funny looks.
Nanako only smiles. "Dad knows best. I love him so, so much."
And so she sits on the floor with her box of crayons and coloring book, coloring in various pictures as time ticks away, the gentle voices from the TV breaking the silence. She has many pictures colored. Every so often, she labels them. "For Dad." or, "For Big Bro". She shows Dad the pictures when he returns. And again, he smiles, promising to mail the picture to Big Bro in the morning when he goes to work. She's proud of her work, even though these days she colors outside the lines more than she used to. She wonders if it is because she is sick. Nanako assures herself that when she gets better, she'll be a great artist again.
At night, he tucks her in, as he always has. He pulls the covers up to her face, patting her head gently. By now, her small, fragile body is tired and weak. As he turns to leave for the night, with the strength she has left, Nanako reaches for his hand, and clasps it gently. He only smiles sadly at her, whispering a goodnight as he turns and walks away from her. His footsteps could be heard down the hall, eventually fading.
And she is alone again.
The bad man will be here soon. He will try to get her again. He will look at her with his menacing, evil amber eyes. He will laugh, as he does every night, and say witty things, tormenting her just by being there. The sky will turn black and red, and she will scream.
Tohru Adachi is a bad man. He is her nightmare.
Other people must say the same thing. They say bad things about him on TV all the time. He wears a sad expression, as they show his face on the screen, reairing it day after day. They say he shows no remorse for his actions. That he doesn't regret taking people's lives. Even though Nanako knows Tohru Adachi is a bad man, she thinks a blank expression would suit him better.
Because maybe then, she wouldn't have to look at the pain in his eyes.
That night, Nanako rises from her bed, as she always does. Sleepily, she opens her door with a slight creek, making her way to what she believed was the bathroom, right next to her Big Bro's old room. The hallway is dark, and she grabs the wrong knob by mistake. She opens the door, as she always does, greeted by the familiar scent of her Big Bro. And as always, she believes she is safe.
Until he emerges from the shadows in the corner.
His amber eyes strike the very core of her being, as he steps out, opening his arms to her. He wears his same navy blue suit and red tie, slouching slightly. Though he is smiling, darkly, Nanako knows he's sad. And it scares her. He's always scared her. She slowly sinks to her knees, her body unable to take the pressure.
"I'm sorry, Nanako-chan." he chuckles at her reaction. "Are you afraid of big bad Adachi? They're saying some stupid shit about me on TV again, aren't they?" He smirks. "Though, I really don't blame you for being scared. From what they say about me, anyone would be scared."
He makes his way towards her, touching her face, lightly. Her eyes are filling with tears now, but she cannot bring herself to look away. His gaze, though empty, sad and dark, held a slight gentleness to it. "Don't worry, Nanako-chan. I'm not real, remember? That's what Dojima-san keeps saying to you, right? That I'm behind bars? That I'll never get you?"
She whimpers, unable to answer him. He continues. "It's like that pretty lady at the hospital told you, I'm afraid." Adachi caresses her cheek, brushing away a few of her tears with his free hand. As if, maybe he were mocking her. "You're so, so sick, Nanako-chan. Your poor dad looks at you so sadly... because he knows he can't do anything about it. He tries and tries, but aww, he failed."
Sighing in mockery, he only smiles. "You see things. More specifically, you see me. My world is no more, but in your mind... I'm just as real as I was back then. Isn't that something, dear, sweet Nanako-chan? I only live on... because you want me to." He laughs maniacally, watching as her eyes grew wide in fear. "Isn't that something? The very man you so feared only lives on... because you want him to."
He places a feather-light kiss to her forehead, and she screams. Her scream tears through the house, breaking her insides apart as she does. The louder her screams, the louder Adachi laughs. Helpless, she curls into a ball on the floor, crying and screaming for her Dad and Big Bro. She wants him to go away. She wants him to stop saying all this. She's confused, she doesn't understand why, but it hurt to breathe.
Her precious Dad comes running, here to save her once again.
A light in her darkness.
As usual, he pulls her shaking, trembling form into his arms, cradling her, whispering that Adachi was behind bars. That he wouldn't hurt her, he wouldn't do anything to her. He was just an illusion, equivalent to the boogeyman. He promises that as long as he's around, she would always be safe. He was here to protect her, always.
As usual, she nods. And as usual, she cries herself to sleep in his arms.
And as usual, when she sleeps,
she dreams of Adachi's haunting gaze, and the feel of his lips on her forehead.
That is Nanako Dojima's peace, her routine, her life now.
Her sinfully sweet solace.
& in the mirror, I only see your face.