How to, a lord of the rings fanfic

I don't own Lord of the Rings.

Legolas Greenleaf resisted the urge to start pacing. He was the last interview programmed for that afternoon, for what he saw. A lot of hot and apparently talented men had gone before him. He didn't feel so sure of himself when he entered the room, although he was aware of the looks he got as soon as he walked in.

I promise you, Legolas, the job will be yours.

He could still hear his cousin Arwen lecturing him to try, and to go specifically at this time, 4:30 pm, to Gondor's, the multimillionaire and richest company in the world, owned and managed by the richest and sexiest human being ever: Aragorn II Elessar. And he was gay, too. Crap.

This is going to be hard.

He was gay. He was well aware of the fact that Elessar was hardly ignored. Even though he had seen Aragorn several times and observed he rather avoided crowds around him, he just had that charm that made everyone want to be close to him.

"Legolas Greenleaf", 5:15 pm sharp, just the time he had been promised he was going to be called. He stood up and followed the receptionist. They took the elevator and the long-haired man noticed the woman press the button with number 16 on it. It was the last floor, of course, "You will address them as 'sir' unless told otherwise, and you will answer honestly every single question they make, understood?"

"Yes, ma'am", was the only thing he could come up with. The woman checked something in her smartphone, the elevator's door opened but she made no sign of moving.

"Straight, turn left and knock the door at the end of the hallway", she pushed Legolas off the elevator and left him alone. The blond man sighed, and did as instructed. He knocked.

"Come in", a deep, slightly hoarse but yet soft male voice said. He could just hope that wasn't his voice. If it was, he was going to be so screwed. He went in, and closed the door behind him. There were three men, three really hot and sexy men. Two of them seemed to be brothers, and the third one (in the middle) was without a doubt Aragorn II Elessar.

"You must be Legolas Greenleaf. Please take a seat", the one on Aragorn's right said, "I'm Boromir Prince, a pleasure", the voice didn't belong to him. Legolas sat in the armchair he was being offered, "So... you probably already know Aragorn II Elessar, owner and manager of this company. I'm his right hand"

"And I, Faramir Prince, am Boromir's brother and Aragorn's left hand", the other one said. He seemed one year or so younger than Boromir. The voice wasn't his either. Crap, "We will make you some questions, and I suppose Lucy already told you how to answer them"

"Yer, sir"

"Oh, no. Call us by our given names, please", Boromir said. Legolas nodded, "Okay, here we go. When did you graduate from college?"

"Three years ago, I was eighteen", he said.

"What did you study?"

"Business, and Arts", Legolas said. People often told him how odd that combination was. Seriously talking, he studied Business just because he knew art was not really appreciated by everyone, so he had to get a degree that would allow him to have a permanent job.

"That's an interesting combination. Did you like both things?", asked Faramir.

"I preferred Arts, actually. Business was easy, but it really wasn't what I would've liked to do during my lifetime", Legolas confessed.

"Is that so? Then why did you get both?"

"Society doesn't value art too much nowadays, I just had to had something that would help me get a steady job", he was a really honest man. Faramir and Boromir glanced at each other and then looked at Aragorn, whose blue eyes were watching him intensely, sending shivers down his spine from time to time.

"Why should I hire you, Legolas?", Aragorn finally asked. Legolas panted just by hearing his voice again. Oh, gods, he was just too perfect to be true. He just wasn't human. There was no way a human could be so perfect.

"Uh... well, I learn fast and I always try to do my best in everything I do", the blond said.

"A lot of people tell me that, you know", Aragorn said.

"Oh, really?"

"Tell me other things"

"I really don't think I'm better than others. I am who I am, and I can do a lot of things if I want to, and I can do them greatly if I put my effort into it, but I guess most people can do that. Seriously, I don't have any argument that would make me stand above others", Legolas blurted out in a rather annoyed tone of voice, forgetting that Aragorn was his possible employer. As soon as he realized it, he scolded and slapped his face in his mind, and waited for some furious reaction from Elessar, or at least a 'go away, we don't want you then'. But he didn't expect that sexy beast to smile, specially not like that, with so much charm and sweetness.

"You're hired, Legolas. You, in fact, have many qualities we are looking for. Humility, like not bragging about how smart you are, honesty, like telling us why you want the job, and responsibility, that you actually were the only one who actually showed up on time for the time you were summoned. You obviously stand above the others", Legolas blinked twice and looked at him in disbelief.

"I... really?"

"Yes. Lucy will take care of your uniform and all that. You start on Monday, Legolas. And welcome to Gondor", Aragorn gave a hear-melting smile. The blond man blushed slightly.

That's how Legolas got his own "How to..." manual from Boromir, who winked at him as the blond received the two sheets of paper with printed instructions on how to be Aragorn's personal assistant.

1. How to make his morning coffee: don't do it yourself. Starbucks, Venti, half and half of coffee and whole milk, one tablespoon of chocolate (preferably syrup; if there's no syrup, try with powder), and add four sugars

That could hardly be called a coffee, Legolas thought as he got the order from the closest Starbucks, where apparently every employee knew how much of each thing Aragorn needed.

"Boromir used to pick it up, but, you know... things happen", the cashier had said. Legolas didn't really understand what he had meant, but he didn't find himself too eager to know either. He pressed the button in the elevator and read the second instruction.

2. How to face him in the morning when he hasn't taken his coffee yet: stay away from furniture and sharp things, talk to him sweetly and calmly. Don't you dare to lose your temper with him

So Aragorn definitely wasn't a morning person. The door opened and he walked towards Aragorn's office. He knocked.

"Come in", gods, that voice. Legolas placed his serious mask on and entered the room. He didn't close the door, just in case he needed to run away from a maniac zombie. Aragorn was there, sitting down in his chair, with impatience written all over his face. It could be seen that he was really trying to stay still, but two seconds passed and he was already in front of Legolas, "Good morning, Legolas"

"Good morning, sir"

"Call me Aragorn", his boss said, and suddenly he found himself wrapped in Aragorn's arms while the older man was kissing his pale and soft neck, "And you taste like vanilla... delicious...", Legolas had gone frozen mode, but really enjoying his boss' touch. It just felt so good. NO! THIS WAS BLOODY WRONG! He freed himself from Aragorn's grasp, and took a couple of steps backwards.

"I brought you coffee, sir"

"Thank you. I'll drink it and then we'll continue this", Aragorn smiled as he took the coffee cup, and after he drank it his grin grew wider, "Just perfect. Oh, Legolas, did I do somehing to you... eh... while I was on 'morning+no coffee mode'?", he asked rather sheepishly. Legolas blinked twice.

"Well, you said..."

"Gods..."

"I taste like vanilla", Legolas finished with a strong blush. Aragorn seemed embarassed.

"I forgot to tell you... if I don't drink coffee in the morning, I act... uh... well, horny if you want to see that way, but sometimes is just violent... well, Boromir one day suffered my violent mood and... he thought a personal assistant could be better. It's just that Boromir and Faramir are like my brothers so... they thought me having a stranger as an assistant would kind of control me. The first try didn't last two hours", he confessed, "You... you can leave if you want", he muttered.

"No, it's okay. My own father's antics were enough training, anyway... I will stay", Legolas said. Aragorn smiled, again, in that heart-melting way. Gods, couldn't he help to Legolas' self-control? Seriously.

"Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me", the tanned man said. Legolas nodded and left the office to go to his assigned desk, just outside the office. Crap. How long would he last like this? First day and it was already hard to resist that man. No. He had to be professional, he could do this.

There was never a most satisfied man than Legolas when Aragorn told him he was the best assistant he could have asked for. That was a year ago, he was now going to reach two years and a half in a month. Yes, he kept counting. Because he had fallen in love with his boss. He knew it shouldn't be that way. But he already knew by heart every antic of his.

He never drank beer unless it was at the beach, at sunset, and it had to be cold.

No sea food unless it was fish sticks with Tartar sauce, or breaded shrimp with Thai sweet-and-sour sauce.

Apple, yes, but not green apple, no kiwi, no papaya. No vegetables, exception made by potato, and in some special occasions, carrots.

His lasagna always had to be home-made (Legolas had to learn how to cook).

Allergies: excessive dust (made him sneeze and have a runny nose for a while) and sudden changes of weather (he looked like he had the flu if he wasn't given his special anti allergic pills).

The only way he would eat sushi was Mr. Manchego Roll from Mr. Sushi, because it had cheese and was fried. He also liked onigiri (rice balls). If he was moody, the onigiri had to be shaped like pandas or (in extreme cases of moodiness) like bunnies.

Legolas loved all these and other antics, like his 'morning+no coffee' mode, when he acted horny... if he was violent he just ran for his life and entered Faramir's office, which was the closest to his desk. Faramir laughed every time he went into his office in the morning with a panic face.

"It isn't easy, but at least you haven't quit", today was one of those days, "Sit, Legolas, I think Aragorn won't call you for another hour", Faramir said with a smirk. The long-haired blond sat down in the armchair, "Tell me, since when do you love him?", Legolas paled. Faramir smiled, "I've seen how you look at him at times. Then you seem to be in denial. You always blush when he smiles your way, or even walks you way sometimes. I've seen how you hurt when he goes on a date with another man. Admit it, Legolas, there's nothing you can hide from me. I'm your best friend, remember?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Boromir is Aragorn's best friend. He knows practically everything about him, just like I know everything about you. We've talked. Aragorn loves you. He just is stupid in this matter. And you love him, but you're way to far to admit it, for what I see", Faramir sighed, "At least tell me, okay?"

"I can't be in love with him, Faramir. He's my boss, first of all. And true, I may come from a rich family, but I'm not in his world. I love arts, you know the business world for me is a need not a want for me. We're different, okay? I... I'm just his assistant, one that can come an go and he won't even think about it for long, unless he compares the new assistant to me, which is not likely to happen", Legolas said, "He will probably find the love of his life and be happy. Luckily it works like that for me too"

Faramir nodded.

"I see. But don't you worry, Legolas. I will make it happen. You two are just meant for each other, and neither Boromir or me will let any of you ruin it because you're too blind to see how happy you will make each other", the younger man said, with shiny eyes. He was just going to make that happen.

"Shut up", Legolas said. Faramir rolled his eyes. The blond was just too oblivious to what Aragorn felt for him, and was way too afraid of losing him to tell him.

Three years in Gondor. Okay. He had grown used to Aragorn, and tried to deny to himself that he needed him. He kept telling himself that it wouldn't hurt to leave him. He didn't love him, okay? He was just used to his presence, his fragrance, his smile. No. He didn't love him. And Aragorn didn't love him back. Gods, he just couldn't leave him out of his head.

"Faramir, I'm going to ask you a favor", he muttered. He still heard Aragorn getting up from the ground. It had been a hard morning. Aragorn had a hangover from last night. He had insulted Legolas in a not-so-nice way. Faramir had heard it all. It was hard for him not to, since his office was to one side and both doors were wide open.

"You're not a man whore, Legolas, and you know it. Don't let him get to you like that", Faramir said. Legolas remembered.

"You man whore, slut, you sleep with every man that crosses your path, don't you?! You're just some corner whore waiting to catch a rich man to marry! Gold digger, you little bastard!"

He shuddered. He had actually punched Aragorn, and then ran for his life to Faramir's office. He even locked the door. Faramir had heard it, he knew.

"I just need to clear my mind", he muttered, "And Arwen invited me to her new home. You know, to meet her fiance"

"Where does she live now?", Faramir asked.

"England", he answered. Faramir was thoughtful for a minute.

"You will come back, right? I just have to cover you for a while, right?", he asked. Legolas lowered his head.

"I don't know, Faramir. I... I love him. But... it never hurt like this. My ex called me things, but I really didn't care. But he... I just can't ignore this anymore, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, but he just has the ability to get to me like no other person can", some tears escaped his eyes, Faramir hugged him.

"I promise everything will be okay. For now, you have to fix a suitcase and go to England to meet Arwen's fiance", he rubbed his back, until Legolas calmed down.

"Tell me again, what happened?"

"He insulted me, Arwen, okay? Now stop talking about it, I came here to distract myself", Legolas growled. Théodred entered the room.

"Arwen, dear, I think it's better you leave Legolas alone with that, okay? He came here to love me!", he smiled. Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, sure. You better love Arwen more than your own life, or I will make sure you love the idea of dying and going to hell", he said. Théodred nodded.

"By the way, my cousin Éomer was also eager to meet you", he answered. The doorbell rang, and Théodred opened the door.

"Théodred! You swine, you said you would tell me when Arwen's cousin arrived, and I ended up coming because she called me! You're the worst cousin ever, really", Legolas couldn't help but wonder. Théodred wasn't bad-looking at all. Could his cousin be as sexy?

"Whatever, Éomer. He's in the living room with Arwen, you can meet him now", and all of the sudden, a sexy man appeared in the living room, and was smiling at Legolas warmly.

"Hi there, I'm Éomer, Théodred's cousin, unfortunately, because apparently he has no manners. You must be Legolas"

"Yeah... well, Théodred was just telling now that you wanted to meet me", he said carefully. Éomer nodded.

"You see, I'm gay. And... well, Arwen may have said something about you that I liked, and... well, I just found myself dying to meet you", Éomer said. Legolas blushed.

"What the hell, Arwen? What did you tell him about me?"

"That you were super sweet when you trust someone, and that you are single. I just thought you could have a friend here for when you come to England to visit us", she explained. Legolas sighed, but Éomer caught his attention yet again. Literally, he didn't even notice when Arwen and Théodred left them both home alone. One of them had planned this, he was sure of it. Even if he had only known Théodred for a week, he already knew enough of him to know he would be capable of such plans.

They watched some movies, but Legolas was tired and fell asleep in the middle of the second one. Éomer smiled, he thought Legolas was really cute, and beautiful inside out.

Even though Legolas had planned to be away from New Zealand for two whole months, he thought he couldn't make it. By the second week, he already did and ate everything Aragorn did or ate. Arwen thought he was too moody. Legolas was never picky about food. He really didn't have much antics, and his few antics didn't show in a normal situation. But she knew this wasn't normal, and she understood everything when she found two sheets of paper in Legolas' room while cleaning.

She continued reading.

No sea food unles it was breaded shrimp with Thai sweet-and-sour sauce? Legolas did that. The only thing that wasn't happening was the allergies, she thanked the gods Legolas was the most healthy man she had ever met. She wouldn't be able to stand cleaning everything too often, or to have to make the room temperature rise or fall according to the weather.

No kiwi, no papaya, no vegetables but potatoes or carrots on special occasions. Crap this was everything! She went to the first page to read the title.

How to be Aragorn II Elessar's assistant

Shit. So Legolas was THAT affected by his boss? She just had to do something! She saw three phone numbers, one for a Faramir Prince, another for a Boromir Prince, and the third one for Aragorn II Elessar. She had heard Faramir was his best friend, so she dialed him.

"Faramir Prince of Gondor, how can I help you?"

"Look, I saw you number on these stupid papers Legolas has in his drawer... on how to be Aragorn II Elessar's assistant. I just wanted to tell you your boss is a jerk for doing whatever he did to Legolas! He's never been this picky about food! He didn't even drink beer, and now he travels a long distance to the beach to drink a cold one! I don't know what this Aragorn did to him, but he must do something about it! He used to like Pizza Hut's lasagna, and now I have to learn how to cook that because he won't eat it if it's not home made!", she blurted out furiously. Silence, for a while.

"Are you Arwen? Gods, Aragorn is so dead... don't worry. My brother Boromir and I will take care of it. Does it bother you if we go personally to your house?"

"Just come and fix it, thank you. You can stay as long as you need", Arwen hung up and sighed. That guy better be some help, or she would make sure his life was a living hell.

"Why are we going to England again?", Aragorn asked. He had been all moody since Legolas left, although he didn't know where he had gone.

"You see, my long-haired blond best friend is acting weird according to his cousin. And I know she would make my life a living hell if I don't do something about it", Faramir answered.

"That doesn't tell why Boromir and I are invited to the 'fix things' session", Elessar said.

"Because Legolas is bad. He has suddenly taken all your antics, all your habits. He even travels to the beach to drink a cold beer at sunset!", Faramir said impatiently.

"Legolas...", he muttered, and then hugged his legs, "I hurt him that time, didn't I?", he closed his eyes, "I'm so stupid"

"Yes you are. But you are fixing it, so you better prepare yourself. You can't play with him. We will leave England with you two being a couple, or with his broken heart"

"He will never take my apologies just like that. And we're different. He's all perfect with art and I just think in business. He... he can go for something better than a multimillionaire stupid guy like me..."

"Stop it already! He loves you deeply, and dearly, and we all know you love him back! You adore him, if it weren't for your 'Elessar' well instructed dignity, you would kiss the floor he walks on, you could try to catch the very air that surrounds him, and you would taste only his vanilla skin! Get over it, okay? We all know it. Just admit it, tell him how you feel, for gods' sake!", Boromir suddenly snapped. Aragorn blinked.

"You're right. I've been such an idiot..."

The doorbell rang again.

"Coming!", Legolas opened up, since Arwen and Théodred were away again, leaving Éomer and him alone... again. He paled when he saw Aragorn with Boromir and Faramir. Éomer stood beside him.

"What...? FARAMIR YOU ASSHOLE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Legolas jumped.

"Éomer, shut the hell up, I want to keep all my senses", the blond said, "What are you three doing here?"

"Arwen kind of called me because all of your sudden antics that seemed too familiar with the 'How to be Aragorn II Elessar's assistant', so... he came to fix this..."

"How do you know Éomer?", Legolas asked. Faramir sighed.

"I'm his ex, in some sort of way..."

"You idiot, we're nothing"

"Why can't you believe me?! I loved, and still do, you, Éomer! That jerk jumped on me and you know I'm no Hulk, okay? Geez, Éomer, you controlled me so easily when we...", he stopped, blushing violently. Théodred's cousin blushed too.

"Come here, Faramir, I missed you...", they both disappeared upstairs. Boromir entered the house and left Legolas and Aragorn alone.

"Aragorn..."

"Legolas, listen. I'm a jerk, okay? I said terrible things to you, things meant for my ex, and you happened to be there, and... I'm so sorry, Legolas. I love you more than I can say with words, I would kiss the floor you walk on, I would like to test only your vanilla skin, I... I just can't live without you. I will understand if you don't want to see me ever again in your life, but I wanted to tell you this. I love you, Legolas. I love everything about you, even the things that make me mad. I just love you, and everything about you... I..."

Legolas had grabbed his remaining consciousness and interrupted him by kissing him passionately in his lips. Gods, he tasted even better than he had imagined.

"Shut up, you idiot", the blond muttered, "I just needed to hear that..."

"So... we'll stay together forever, right?", Aragorn said with a shy smile. It still was heart-melting.

"Forever", Legolas promised.

"I think I should write a book... it would be titled 'How to bring to lovers to acknowledge their feelings for each other'... gods, it would be successful, I'm just a genius", Boromir muttered to himself as he drank a cold beer. He heard Aragorn and Legolas making out in the living room. Legolas was definitely a passive, Aragorn was too dominant to. He could also hear his little brother Faramir begging to Éomer to take him.

He took his car and after leaving a note to Arwen and Théodred he made his way to the beach.

He understood Aragorn as he drank his cold beer watching the sunset.