So this happened... I was putting off my uni work... This is based on a gif. which I've linked to at the bottom. :)

This is NOT slash, just DanxPhil friendship. It isn't my best work, it's the first thing I've posted in forever, but it wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it. In about an hour. Apologies for any typos, I have proof-read it, but it's one in the morning so I can't promise I've spotted everything.

I hope you enjoy!

Shannen.

It was hard for Dan, still living in the apartment. For one thing, he could barely afford the rent on his own, especially with his current lack of income. He would start making videos again, that was certain, but not right now. He loved the Phandom, but they were hurting too, and it wasn't helping him, being exposed to that. He needed time on his own to grieve. There was only one person in the world he would allow to see him like this, and they were the cause of his pain in the first place.

"I miss you, Phil." He whispered, his words disappearing into the atmosphere.

There was nothing at all that could have prepared him for this situation. Every time he took a breath his lungs ached. His throat was raw from the tears he had shed. He spent his days wandering through the apartment until the memories overwhelmed him and he collapsed in a sobbing heap on the ground. He hated being so weak, but he couldn't help it. The one person he took for granted wasn't there anymore. It was hard to be strong each time he woke up and the realisation slammed into him once again. Today, Dan was curled in front of the oven, tears leaking from his brown eyes. All he wanted, more than anything else in the world, was for Phil to bound into the kitchen with his usual boyish grin and wrap an arm around his shoulders, telling him to stop being sad. Dan knew Phil would hate to see him like this. He was so perpetually happy, so much so that it was almost impossible to feel down in his presence. Like the day of their adventure.

"I love London!" Phil's enthusiasm was contagious, and Dan couldn't help but smile at his friend.

"Calm down, people are gonna think you're a right weirdo." He laughed.

They'd travelled down from Manchester for a Phandom meet up they'd caught wind of on Tumblr. They hadn't announced that they were coming; it had been a spur of the moment decision. But they were both glad to be out of the flat and spending time with each other. They'd both been so busy lately that even though they lived together they'd barely seen each other. And Dan had to admit, he always enjoyed their little spontaneous adventures. Phil was his best friend, and sometimes he felt like he didn't appreciate that enough.

"I am a weirdo, that's the best kind of person to be!"

Dan rolled his eyes, "Right, Phil. Come on, I'll race you to the end of the street."

He didn't know why he had suggested it. Normally, it was the complete opposite of his idea of fun. But the weather was unusually warm for London, he was with his best friend and he was paying his fans a surprise visit. He was maybe just a little excited. Of course, if he could have predicted the outcome of his stupid, stupid idea, then he wouldn't have said anything. They'd have had an awesome time with the Phandom, then they would've gotten the train home. Maybe even gotten a Chinese and a Shake-away on their way back to the flat, since it would be late by the time the arrived back in Manchester, and they wouldn't be in the mood to cook. Phil would have gotten chicken chow mein and told Dan off for stealing some. But he wouldn't actually have minded. Dan always did that when they got Chinese. But of course, none of that had happened. It was just wishful thinking.

Dan had been ahead of Phil, he'd made it safely onto the pavement unscathed. But the older boy was a fraction too slow. A silver car, going way over the speed limit, slammed into him before Dan could even warn him it was coming. After that, everything seemed to slow down. He saw every detail, his friend's head smashing into the tarmac first, his neck breaking with a sickening crack. He lay, unconscious in the road while panicked passers-by were shouting and yelling. Dan was vaguely aware of some frail looking old lady calling an ambulance, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. But he ducked from her grip, dropping to his knees beside Phil. He grabbed his friend's hand, tears he wasn't aware he was crying dripping onto his t-shirt.

"Phil! Phil, you have to wake up!" He pleaded brokenly, "…Please, Phil… I need you."

But his best friend's icy blue eyes were glazed over, cold and lifeless. Their usual cheeky glint had faded, replaced with an empty, unfixed stare. And although he wouldn't yet admit it to himself, Dan knew it was too late.

The accident had played out countless times in Dan's head. It haunted his nightmares and it crept into his waking moments too. One detail played over and over on an endless loop. All of this was his fault. He had as good as killed his best friend. The rational part of his brain knew Phil wouldn't see it like that, but he could find no other way to see the situation. The guilt that came from being responsible for your friend's death was almost unbearable, but he knew he deserved it. But there was also a voice in his head telling him it was time to get a grip, a voice that sounded almost identical to Phil Lester. It was the sort of thing Phil would say. He didn't do moping, and self-pity. He was the kind of person who picked themselves up and worked through it. And suddenly, Dan understood. Phil was gone, that was a fact, there was nothing he could do to change that. He, Dan Howell, had started the events which led up to this tragedy, again, that was also undeniable. But the longer he spent curled up on the floor crying, the bigger that feeling of guilt would become. Because he knew that if the situation was reversed, of course Phil would be sad, but he would be doing something constructive by now. He would have a video up, made to remember his friend and give him something to occupy his mind with. He would be on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, talking to the Phandom, and helping each other through this. He would be doing his best to make his friend proud. And this epiphany was just enough for Dan to switch the camera on. He was responsible for this, time to face up to the consequences. He knew he had a lot to make up for.

Thank-you for making it this far! I'll love you forever if you leave a review! :)

This is based on a gif. on Tumblr which IS NOT MINE.

Which you can view here: magicllamaspooprainbows. tumblr post/34234478537/ nonononononoononononononoo