This is my first fanfic to write for Vampire Diaries. I was going to leave the fanfiction writing to the professionals but this idea came to me and I couldn't get it out of my head lol. I hope you all enjoy!
The morning sun shining on my face forces me to open my eyes and realize that it is time to start another day. I roll over onto my back and struggle with the covers that got tangled in my sleep. With a frustrated flop I decide to lie down and enjoy a few more moments of peace and quiet. The birds are chirping sweetly outside my bedroom window and I wonder if it would be possible to stifle their joyful tune with the wooden stake under my pillow. Not everyone appreciates being greeting with the reality that there is happiness in the world. Especially when they know that happiness is so far from their reach.
Damn. What the hell happened to me? I let out a strained chuckle and run and hand through the tangled mess known as my hair. I remember when waking up to a bird chirping was my favorite part of the morning.
Sign. Those were the days. I take a moment to allow myself to remember what life was like before all of this. To remember when I was fifteen years old and thought that the supernatural world was the coolest thing ever. I chuckle at the naivety of my younger self. My friends and I would read books and watch movies, the entire time our eyes would be wide with wonder. No matter how scary the movies got, how crazy the imaginations of the creators were, we never stopped filling our minds with the tales of the underworld, or the battles of the supernatural. What was the harm? It was all fiction right? Ha. If only. It is funny to think of how different my perspective is. A genre of movies and books that was once so fascinating because of the unrealistic fictional stories is now a reality that was frightening and unbelievably challenging.
When my parents died. Man. I can't even begin to try and explain the horrible pain that would pierce through my heart everyday for months. Every memory, every moment I'd run to tell them something forgetting for one second that they were gone, when I'd expect them to walk through my bedroom door at 9:30pm sharp to tell me goodnight, it was like a knife stabbing me over and over again. I prayed that I'd never have to experience that feeling ever again. Recovery? Ha. What a joke. Who recovers from that? It is more like a chronic pain that you learn to live with for the rest of your days. Your focus shifts to other aspects of life so it seems to dull, but it never leaves.
But here I am. Experiencing that pain over and over and over again. At first I'd ask myself why. Why did I have to be dealt a rough hand? Couldn't life have used a different deck of cards? Maybe one with flowers, smiles, and laughter instead of death, doppelgangers, and witches. Then I fell in love. With Stefan? Yeah, but with other people too. It was the love I had for my friends and family who were all integrated into this crazy world, unknown by so many, that made me stop asking why and simply answering life's challenges with a fight powered by determination. Call me crazy, but I adjusted. The new norm is sleeping with a wooden stake under my pillow and a cellphone in my hand to speed dial Damon at any sign of trouble.
These steady events that cause pain, Jenna's death and Stefan's little adventure with Klaus are just a few examples, never come without a steady stream of tears. I've never been so sick and tired of crying. It seems like that's all I've done for the past few years. Now? Well now….
Alaric is dead. The only dad I had left in the entire world. Sure, he was unconventional, unexpected, and unforeseen, but he was also protective, wise, and the closest thing to a parent I had left. This pain, this unquenchable pain, is literally tearing my heart apart. I can't feel anything else. No matter what I do it never stops.
A knock at my bedroom door breaks my mental babbling.
"Hey," Stefan's face appears in the sunlight and I want nothing more than to go back to sleep. "I wanted to check on you." He comes in and sits at the edge of my bed.
"Yeah, well I'm fine." I jerk the covers from my body and walk to my bathroom.
A part of me hopes that he will take the hint and get the hell out of my room. Don't get me wrong, Stefan is sweet for checking up on me, but when all I want is to be left alone sweet equals annoying. Especially when EVERYONE seems to have made it their personal mission to make sure I'm functioning properly. Heaven forbid I have an emotion that isn't recorded in the Daily Log of Elena's Feelings.
When I come out of the bathroom he is still sitting at the end of my bed with a look full of concern.
"What?" I snap with a hand on my pajama clad hip.
Stefan releases a sigh and moves to stand in front of me, "Bonnie said that you were….moody."
My eyebrow shoot up. "Moody?"
"Elena, we're all worried about you." He is obviously avoiding my invitation to expound on his previous statement.
"Why?" I know it was a dumb question but I couldn't help but ask it anyways.
With another sigh, he runs his hand through his hair. I can't help but notice how both brothers share that habit.
"You're shutting down. It isn't healthy."
"I'm not shutting down, Stefan." I should be given some credit here. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not roll my eyes. I sidestep him, walk to my dresser, and grab my hairbrush to tame my unruly lochs.
"Yes, you are."
"Oh really? How am I doing that?" I glance at him through the mirror.
"Oh come on. Don't act like you have no idea what I'm talking about." His jaw clenches in frustration. Funny how things that I used to think were sexy about him now elicit an eye roll.
I twirl my brush in my hand and turn to face him. "For the sake of this conversation, let's say that I don't."
It would be a lie to say that I do not realize that I sound like Damon right now, and the glare from Stefan tells me that he notices it too.
"Have you talked to Carolina? Bonnie? Have you even left this house for purposes other than to come to my house for a meeting to discuss our next course of action against Klaus? Elena, you haven't even cried!"
That was a lie. I have cried. Too much pain has consumed my soul to not cry in some way. The old Elena would have been in her bed for days sobbing her eyes out. The new Elena is stronger, and refuses to turn back to that weak person who couldn't bear the thought of seeing blood, and told herself that she could shed one tear. Only one tear and it better be good, and it was.
"I'm sorry." I sigh. His eyes instantly soften at my words and he begins to walk towards me. "I'm sorry that I'm not acting how everyone wants me to, but quite frankly I don't give a shit!" He stops dead in his tracks and returns my hard glare.
"Why so angry Stefan? Are you scared that I'm not going to fulfill my tear quota for the month?" He would have to be pretty dense to not hear the sarcasm in my voice.
He approaches me with determined steps; his voice raised "Do you realize how selfish you are being? There are people worried about you! I'm worried about you! But you don't hesitate to shut any of us out. We all loved Alaric, Elena. You weren't the only one who lost him."
"Selfish? How am I being selfish? Because I'm not following the script on how a person is supposed to grieve? Give me a break! If anyone is selfish it is you!" I find myself yelling back.
"Oh really? How do you figure that?" He steps closer.
"You want me to fall apart." Yep. I'm definitely skating on thin ice, but you know what? I'm fucking tired of all of this.
"That is completely ridiculous and you know it." He points his finger at me.
"Is it? You left with Klaus. When you left things changed. I'm not the same old Elena who needs someone to hold her hand and help her across every bump that appears in the road. I'm stronger. I can handle myself. I can handle this lifestyle."
"What does that have to do with anything?" His face is puzzled.
"Don't you see? I don't need you to rescue me anymore! I don't need a hero. The moment you regained your humanity you have been trying to win me back by proving to me that you are the same old Stefan that can save me. Now you are sitting by, hoping, that I'll fall apart so that you can piece me back together." The air between us is tense.
"You, Elena Gilbert, have completely lost your mind. Don't you see what is going on? You're spiraling." His voice is dangerously low and almost frightening.
"I'm seeing clearer than I've ever seen before, Stefan. I don't need a hero and I don't need to be saved. Find someone else to play the damsel in distress because it won't fucking be me."
For a few moments he stares into my eyes. I suppose he thought that I would retract everything I said and throw myself into his arms with tears of apology and sorrow streaming down my face.
"You really have changed haven't you?" His voice is so soft that my human hearing had a hard time catching what he said.
"Yeah, but haven't we all?" I ask softly.
He reaches his hand up and cups my cheek. The butterflies that would fly in unbelievably fast circles whenever he touched me remain in their graves that were dug months ago.
With a sad smile Stefan walks away and leaves me to my thoughts.
Man, is this day a downer or what? After an hour of failed attempts at taking my mind off of things, I realize that this penetrating pain isn't being dulled down in the slightest. There is only one thing that can help and that one thing is at The Grill. A place full of memories and most importantly, alcohol.
TBC
Hope you enjoyed it!
LieghAnna