Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).
AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!
(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…oh boy…(Censored)…)Thinking about the situations Bobby gets himself into…and this one in particular…I remembered what my mother would say the moment she saw him…it seemed as good a title as any (thanks Mum xxx)
THE SIGHTS YOU SEE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN
"Hello" said Alex Eames sleepily. "Er…um…morning it's me" said the slightly hesitant voice of her partner Bobby Goren.
"Ugh Bobby" she groaned, "It's not even six am. Please don't use the words 'there's a nice fresh body been found we just have to be first to go see'"
"Not exactly" he replied, "I wish I could"
"Well I don't" she muttered, "What is this about?"
"I…um… I could use some help Eames"
She sighed, wondering what it could be this time. "Surely you know how to deal with a shaving cut by now Bobby?"
"Yes I do. In fact I wish I was standing in my bathroom covered in bloody nicks," Bobby said grumpily. "So are you coming over or do I call someone else? Olivia doesn't live far away…" he mused.
"Aaargh! No" yelped Eames, leaping out of bed. "Don't do that Bobby. I'll be there in fifteen…maybe twenty minutes"
Goren might be a pain in the ass at times but he was "her" pain in the ass. And the day Bobby's attention could be diverted from work and the latest bizarre situation he'd got himself into, onto matters of a more physical or hedonistic nature, Eames fully intended to be at the head of the line. With a large carton of chocolate ice cream. Olivia Benson might be her buddy, but she didn't entirely trust her on the matter of Bobby and Liv's bucket of tutti frutti would be like Greek yoghurt before she ever got her hands on him.
"Bring your spare keys Eames," said Bobby "I can't get to the door right now. And…um…do you think you could try to hurry?"
"I'm in the bathroom right now" Eames said. Before realising whilst cordless phones were very useful, any further detail was probably unnecessary and certainly gross.
Seventeen minutes later she let herself into Bobby's apartment, thanks to her ability to steer a vehicle with her knees and apply mascara. She walked down the hall calling his name and found Bobby in the middle of the kitchen.
He was wearing a towel. A disappointingly large towel, which looked to be firmly secured around his waist. Even so she took her time studying every inch of the situation. From the top of his slightly rumpled curls all the way down to Bobby's feet, some seventy-six inches lower. They really were very large. Made her wonder yet again about that urban legend and curse the towel for the unknown inches it kept hidden. Of course he had that rather yucky big toe on his right foot and she saw a few strands of hair growing at the joints of both those toes. But wax strips would deal with that problem.
Meanwhile, Bobby stared back at Eames staring at him. Sincerely wishing she wouldn't lick her lips like that and just sorry he wasn't wearing more than just a very small face cloth. At least that's what it felt like, even though the towel was the largest bath sheet it was possible to buy. And one he'd secured with the sort of secret knots they teach you in the Army. He might need Eames help but he didn't entirely trust her at times. Especially when she got "that" sort of look in her eyes.
"Is that one of the Egyptian cotton bath sheets Bloomingdale's had in their Fall Sale?" Eames asked.
"Yes. As it so happens, it is" Bobby replied, relieved that was all she said in the circumstances.
"Pity" she murmured, before realising her wishful thinking they had only the small guest type when Bobby got there might be rather obvious.
"Did you never see a man in a towel before?" he said sharply to re-focus her attention a little higher up.
"Plenty" Eames said quickly. Then falsely correcting that to "One or two" and hoping the addition of "I have brothers remember", might cover the situation as well as a dark midnight blue was covering Bobby.
"So what happened?" she asked realising her partner hadn't budged an inch since she got there.
Bobby wriggled uncomfortably in a way suggested it wasn't the luxurious fluffiness of the towel making him itch. "I…er…um…my feet are stuck to the floor"
Eames burst out laughing, "Don't be ridiculous Bobby" she giggled. "You scrub this floor every day. Anyone would think you had been in the Navy as a deck-swabbing technician first class. I would eat my dinner off your kitchen floor except you wouldn't let me. It's mine that's like walking through treacle"
"That's true," he said recalling a time he almost lost the heel off one of his shoes at her place when it stuck firmly to the tiles.
"You are not supposed to agree with me Goren," she snapped in one of those volte-face moments women achieve so effortlessly as one of the lesser-known side effects of oestrogen.
"You said it" he shrugged in a moment of reckless bravado for a man wearing only a towel and fixed helplessly to his kitchen floor. "And there's the reason why I'm stuck"
Bobby pointed to the counter where Eames could see that revolting cow cookie jar he owned.
"Did Clara fall apart again?" she asked seeing one or two pieces missing.
"And whose fault is that?" Bobby said sulkily, remembering it was Eames broke Clara in the first place to get his hand out some months ago. "I was fixing her again between running a bath"
"Oh say no more Bobby," said Eames airily. "I'm a detective too you know. I see it all now. The Superglue on the counter you didn't put the top back on" She bent down slightly. "I can see where it dripped on the floor. You come in unfortunately wearing… I mean luckily wearing…that large bargain price Egyptian cotton towel and hey presto. Your not so little piggies are not going to market, or home or anywhere else in a hurry"
"That about sums it up" Bobby growled. "Though why you have to go on about the origin of the towel is beyond me"
"Just because you remind me of those movies of Ancient Egyptians" Eames shrugged. "They were always shown wearing things like that" She giggled "You could be a statue of Tutangoren the Third with an orb and sceptre in your hand"
"Egyptian pharaohs were depicted holding a crook called a heka and a nekhakha or a flail" said Bobby almost wearily. "They symbolise the rule of a shepherd over his flock and probably the religious duties of the pharaoh. Since the flail was most likely used to prepare incense and other herbs for ceremonials"
"Really" said Eames who often grew irritated by Bobby's endless and esoteric knowledge. "And do you have either of those things around right now?"
"No" he said quietly
"And if you did would they get your size thirteen's unstuck from the floor?"
"No Eames" he said, with the sort of resigned submission she fervently hoped to hear from Bobby one day in very different circumstances.
"Good. Well if you just stick around here I'll…"
"That's not funny Eames" Bobby snapped
"I guess not" she said more kindly "I meant I'll go to the 24 hour pharmacy and get some nail polish remover. I believe that should get you free". Eames glanced at the floor. "A large bottle I think"
"Just make sure it has acetone in it Eames" added Bobby quickly before she could leave. "One of the few things will loosen cyanoacrylate which is the major ingredient of the glue"
"Hmm" she murmured thinking maybe that encyclopaedic knowledge did come in handy. She would have just bought the cheapest or the pink sort.
"Um…Eames" said Bobby quickly. "Before you go…er…" His face was going rather red. "There's something else…another slight problem"
"And?" she spun round impatiently
To be continued…