title: lightsabers and afros
characters: Irie Shouichi, Iris, Glo Xinia, Cervello, mentions of Ginger Bread and rest of White Spell, Byakuran "God" Gesso (aka the fucking reason you're never safe no matter where you go)
summary: There's a perfectly good reason Irie Shouichi hates his coworkers and it's not simply because of Byakuran's ambition.
notes: I am the unfunniest person in the world. Also, published in my rp account on Tumblr first, so no, I didn't steal this from anyone.
No, Irie Shouichi was not the horny type of drunk - though his inhibitions lowered to a certain level that he would definitely consider the option of a good one-night stand with you and say yes (with his body) if you were persistent enough.
Because, hey, sex could alleviate almost any kind of stress, and the stress of being a backstabbing little bitch was one of those. (Not Irie Shouichi's preferred choice of words, but you get the gist of it.)
And God (Byakuran-sama) knows just how persistent Millefiore's White Spells could be.
Anyway, let's leave those stories for another time.
This particular night Millefiore's White Spells (mainly Iris, Glo Xinia and a few others, Ginger Bread among them) had made a plan they liked to call the Master Plan of Getting Irie Shouichi Drunk Off His Ass.
The plan was simple enough - just get those two Cervello in the plan and make them slip strong vodka into the drinks the captain of Rosa Squad frequently ordered- The guy was so into his work, he wouldn't possibly notice the increasing amount of alcohol in his energy drinks and sodas he consumed at least twenty bottles per day.
Seriously, the captain had an addiction, and everyone was sure as hell going to exploit it thoroughly.
"Do you think Captain will fall for it?" Iris, as much as she wanted to see his captain wasted, was a little skeptic.
It's worth to mention that none of them had witnessed a drunk Shouichi before this day.
Also, Glo Xinia had flown all the way to Japan just for this - he had his, ah, suspiciously well-timed vacation, you see.
Because, fuck, even he, the creepy guy in his early forties, wanted to see his fellow captain drunk off his ass. It was a onesided dislike relationship between them, because honestly, Glo Xinia just liked Shouichi's anatomy.
Yeah, don't let Byakuran hear that. Seriously.
(But honestly, Irie Shouichi had fine set of collarbones.)
"Of course he will," Glo Xinia whispered - or shushed way too loudly, but the sounds of the machines in Irie Shouichi's private sanctuary covered Glo Xinia this one time.
And, for some reason, God and luck was with them - the captain of the Rosa Squad didn't notice until it was too late that his drinks had been spiked.
By then, he was already drunk.
Needless to say, the White Spells were delightedly amused to notice just how little it took to get Shouichi completely wasted.
And then it was time to do the thing the White Spells did the best: invade the strict and stubborn captain's personal space.
(Although Byakuran had mastered this by the end of university. It was an art when he did it, really.)
"Hello there, captain~."
Shouichi spun around in his chair, a light sound of surprise catching in his throat, and stared at his unexpected visitors with wide eyes.
Iris felt glee, noticing the drunken flush on her beloved captain's cheeks. Yes, this had worked. "Captaaaaain," she continued, her eyelids halfway down as she smiled in her typical, flirtatious way she was sure Byakuran-sama didn't quite approve of when it came to his second-in-command.
Irie Shouichi shuddered, pupils dilated and lips twitching in a nervous manner, and everyone present just stared at the wondrously drunken man with curious eyes. Ginger Bread snickered in the background, quietly.
"Iris-" Shouichi slurred, eyelids fluttering as he tried to focus on the woman before him as he twitched on his chair like some sort of hyperactive rabbit. Ironically enough, the running gag in the Melone Base was the nickname of "Bunny Boy" (for Shouichi, of course) because someone had thought it hilarious to put bunny ears on Shouichi's head when he was sleeping and then take a picture of it.
Said picture was now safely taped on one of Byakuran's several drawers, mind you.
(He has an inexcusable thing for keeping these things as a blackmail material for later purposes~ )
"Your afro is a scientifical wonder," Shouichi mumbled as his green (clouded) eyes looked up at Iris' afro critically. "I have no idea how you could… make it have… such an orb-like shape." Shouichi vaguely gestured with his hands as his words failed him, eyes still on Iris' hair.
Iris blinked, and Ginger Bread snickered more.
"Maybe the Force helps you," Shouichi gasped and his hand (and other limbs) stiffened with this realization before he started to rock back and forth on his chair like a deranged little bunny.
Iris blinked again. "The Force?" Please, somebody tell her this isn't real. If this is real, then this is just too fucking amusing.
Excuse her language, she got excited.
"Must be nice," Shouichi breathed out dreamily as his mind wandered to the depths of Star Wars saga, his hands twitching before he brought them together and twiddled his thumbs in agitation. "And then there are the lightsabers," Shouichi abruptly changed the topic as he stood up and started pacing, apparently ranting to himself now.
Iris, Glo Xinia, and the other lackeys watched.
Lightsaber innuendos commenced.
"I mean, they have these big, awesome lightsabers—"
Glo Xinia's turn to snicker because he could see the innuendo from miles away.
"—they would thrust and wave them—-"
Iris couldn't hold it in, she burst into a fit of giggles.
"Someone record this, Byakuran-sama must see this," Iris whispered between her giggles, though no one got the chance to move when the two Cervello returned, one of them holding a video camera on her shoulders.
Moments before:
"Byakuran-sama?" the pink-haired woman answered her phone, her face revealing no surprise although her voice held a bit of emotion.
"I see my dear subordinates are having some fun there in Melone Base~ ." You could hear the heart from Byakuran's voice. You could.
"It seems so," she responded blankly.
Byakuran laughed. "Hey, tape the show for me, would you?"
A blink. "Byakuran-sama?"
"It's not every day that Shou-chan gets drunk, after all~ ! Just do it for your boss, alright?" There was a definite demand in that voice, even though it lay underneath that sugary coat of amusement.
The Cervello woman nodded needlessly. "Very well."
Byakuran's snickering echoed in her mind even minutes after he had hung up on her.
(The unwritten rule was: You don't hang up on Byakuran. Byakuran hangs up on YOU. Unless you're Irie Shouichi, who will conveniently get away with hanging up on your boss.)
And back to this moment.
"Is he really ranting about lightsabers?" one member of White Spells (not of Shouichi's squad, of course, or else he'd know of Shouichi's Star Wars enthusiasm) whispered.
Glo Xina shrugged. "Either that, or penises." The smile that lifted Glo's lips up told everyone which one he thought Shouichi was ranting about.
Another reason to the ever-growing list of reasons why Glo Xinia often liked to tease Shouichi about his sex life whenever he got the chance and whenever Byakuran wasn't nearby.
(Secretly, Byakuran was aware of this, but he tolerated Glo Xinia just because somebody had to tease Shouichi when he himself physically couldn't do it.)
Shouichi was shaking as he paced, nearly tripping over his feet in the process. "Why isn't my lightsaber that long—-?" Shouichi whined a bit, uncharacteristically but oh so hilariously.
Out of context drunken rambles were always the best ones.
Days later, in Italy.
Byakuran watched the video with a pleased twinkle in his eyes as Shouichi whipped around, cheeks flushed and eyes glazed over, and ranted some more.
Thank God (himself) the Cervello had had the sense of recording Shou-chan's drunken ramblings, too~
What could he say?
Irie Shouichi + alcohol = drunken rambles about items that could hold sexual innuendos.
There was no way Byakuran was going to miss THAT show.