Couples Therapy
AU. Eric and Pam try to hash out their issues in couples therapy. No Sookie. No Tara. Not my property.
"Couples therapy? REALLY Pamela?" Eric asked. "You want us to film it and get a fucking reality show or something?"
"That's exactly the reason, Eric. We'll give the goddamn Kardashians a run for their money and call it Naughty Times With the Northmans." Pam replied with an eye roll; her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Maybe the Northmans wouldn't need therapy if they HAD naughty times a little more fucking often." Eric snapped back.
"Well, if the big, tall one weren't such a selfish, insecure, jealous, TIGHTWAD then maybe they would." Pamela sassed with a toothy grin.
"And if the lazy ass princess would do something besides spend money and run her cocksucker then maybe the tall one wouldn't be such a tightwad." Eric retorted. "This is just an excuse to spend more of MY money."
"Oh honey." Pam said smiling sweetly. "Have you forgotten? MY money is MY money, and YOUR money is MY money. Now get your coat. Our appointment is in half an hour."
"Yessum, Miss Pamela. I LIVE to serve." Eric snorted.
"Exactly." Pam said as he helped her on with her coat. "You're making progress already and we're not even THERE yet!"
"Can this save me some money then?" Eric asked, already knowing the answer.
"Well, if we don't go to the appointment, I'll just spend that money on more shoes. There's a FABULOUS pair of Loubotins that just scream PAM... and if you cooperate, maybe YOU'LL get to scream Pam later." She replied.
With that being said, Eric wasted no more time and led her out to the car.
Once they arrived at the therapist's office, Eric and Pam did not have to wait long before their names were called for their appointment. When they walked in, the therapist greeted them. "Hello! I'm Dr. Shepard… and you must be Eric and Pamela! What brings you here today?"
"Love your whole décor," Pam answered. "The leather couches and dark colors… this seems legit!" Eric rolled his eyes.
"Well, thank you." The doctor replied. "But can you answer my question?"
"We just have communication issues." Pam replied.
"How so?" Dr Shepard asked.
"He's selfish." Pam replied.
"She's insubordinate." Eric snapped.
"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That was a little too quick. Let's start over. How long have you two been together?" The doctor asked.
"Oh, I don't know." Pam sighed. "Seems like a hundred years."
"So you've had a long relationship. Has it been a good one? Eric?" The doctor replied.
"Well, yeah, mostly." Eric replied. " She just doesn't know how to listen or follow directions."
"Do you think she should do everything you say?" The doctor asked.
"YES." Pam said quickly.
"NO!" Eric retorted. "It's not like I ask that much of her. All I ask of her is that she ask before she steals my credit card and buys that Ferrari guy a new condo or whatever."
"I do NOT buy that much Ferragamo." Pam snapped. "I prefer Loubotins."
"Like I know the difference in that shit." Eric deadpanned.
"Well maybe if you took an interest you wouldn't be so upset about it." Pam sassed.
"I have no in-"
"Alright, that's enough." The doctor interrupted. "Pamela, what do you think of your relationship?"
"He really does make me happy… except when he's chewing my ass for spending too much… or freaking out because I took our contractor, Alcide, a glass of lemonade, and he grinned at me." She replied, glaring at Eric.
"That big bastard was checking you out. And he does it ALL the fucking time. I need to fire his ass." Eric snapped.
"You didn't hire him, I DID, to build my gazebo, and if ANYBODY does the firing, it's gonna be ME." Pam retorted.
"With MY money!" Eric growled.
"Why is it always YOUR money?" Pam asked.
"Because you don't work!" Eric said, rolling his eyes.
" I take care of you don't I?" Pam questioned. "That's certainly a job in itself. I keep our home looking lovely, I keep you stocked up on that cologne you just NEED, I buy all your clothes… hell, I pick them out for you every day."
"Stop, stop, STOP." Dr. Shepard interjected. "It sounds to me like you two are entirely too co-dependent. I'm not saying that this co-dependence is not based in love, but it's there. And it's a problem. Pamela, you depend on Eric to provide for you, and sometimes over step your boundaries. Eric, you depend on Pam to take care of you, and feel threatened when others get any of her attention. Pam, why don't you consider getting a part-time job so you can contribute financially? Eric, why don't you pick out your own clothes from now on? These are small steps in the right direction."
Pam and Eric glanced at each other and rolled their eyes.
"We'll think about it." they replied simultaneously.
"I think that will be enough for today." Dr. Shepard said. "Make an appointment with my secretary to see me for a follow up next week, and work on separating yourselves a little."
"Sure. We'll do that." Pam said, then mumbled under breath, "As soon as I buy pumps from fucking Wal-Mart."
Eric and Pam didn't stop and make an appointment with the secretary. Instead, they headed straight for the car. As soon as they got in, they turned to one another and said in unison, "Can you believe that quack?"
"What a fucktard." Pam said. "Pfft. Like I'M going to get a job."
"Yeah." Eric agreed. " Or like I'M going to shop for my own clothes."
" I can't believe he said we're too co-dependent." Pam sighed. "We aren't… are we?"
"No way, our relationship is fine the way it is." Eric answered.
"So we're ok?" Pam asked.
"Of course we are." Eric grinned, then reached over to kiss her lips.
" So can I go ahead and get those Loubotins instead of wasting that money on therapy?" Pam asked, batting her eyelashes.
Eric rolled his eyes. " I suppose… as long as you make it worth my while."
Pam grinned widely. "You got a deal! Let's go home and film home movies for our reality show!"
"Pamela… we are NOT getting a fucking reality show!" Eric laughed.
"Yeah… WELL… we'll see who wins THAT battle."