Disclaimer: I own the OC's and the story. And that's it. I do not own Courage or his family or anything you recognize here.
Author's Note: …Yeah, I really got nothing to say except that I wrote this fic when I was sad and an Ulquiorra (Bleach) Christmas fic when I was happy. Strange days. This was the toughest one shot I have ever written, by the way. Note that the italics used for Bertha are always her hand writing.
"Oh Courage!" Like any other day in the middle of Nowhere, Muriel called for Courage from the kitchen as the charming purple-pink dog chewed on a rawhide bone in the backyard.
"Huh?" Courage raised his head, surprised Muriel was calling him.
He stopped chewing on his treat and pulled a pocket calendar out of his fur, flipping through to the current month.
"Huh. "No monsters appearing until dinner"." He read his hastily scrawled out note and then checked his watch. 2:12 PM.
"Courage, could you please come here!" Muriel called again, sounding as pleasant as ever. "I made a new batch of my gravy and I need you to test it out."
Courage grinned and ran into the kitchen when Muriel stood at the stove, stirring a pot of gravy.
"Just take a seat, and I'll bring you some turkey and gravy." She told him, dishing out the gravy into a bowl full of turkey as he tied a napkin around his neck.
As Muriel brought him the snack, Eustace scowled at the TV in the next room, angry as ever.
"We interrupt your normal boring day to inform you that the group The Diamond Thief Ninjas, not to be confused with The Diamond Thief Pirates," the reporter said as two pictures appeared on screen, one of a group of ninjas and the other of a band of pirates, "has announced that their diamond, the Nekenputo Diamond, rumored to bless one lucky wearer with all the abilities of the ultimate ninja, plus the abilities of a pirate if near water, has vanished. If anyone has spotted the diamond, call the police. There's a million dollar reward involved. More on this story when we get out of this sheep pen."
Even Eustace was a little startled to notice that, indeed, the reporter and the camera man were in a sheep pen.
"We were going to bring you a story about a disco dancing sheep, but it seems the sheep has now taken its show on the road. Coming to a theatre near-"
"MURIEL!" Eustace shouted, running into the kitchen as Muriel finished saying grace before she and Courage began eating. "I'm going to go find a group of ninjas so that I'll be rich! Pack me some food!" He ordered, pointing at his wife.
Muriel and Courage exchanged slightly confused looks before Muriel shrugged and stood. "All right, Eustace." She then brightened. "I'll pack you a picnic. Oh, what fun."
As Muriel set about making Eustace's lunch, Courage finally tried out some of his snack.
"Hmm. Mm." He hummed as he chewed before swallowing. His eyes changed colors and his ears wobbled; seconds later, he fell out of his chair.
Eustace stared at Courage. "Muriel! That no good mutt is sick! He better not give me anything!"
"Courage is sick?" Muriel turned around and looked at the dog, who had climbed back into his seat. "Maybe I put too much vinegar in my gravy. Or I seasoned the turkey with it a wee bit too much."
"Oh…" Courage groaned in semi-agreement, not wanting to hurt Muriel's feelings.
The moment Muriel had turned away, and Eustace had run off to get his mallet, Courage took his plate out to the backyard, dug a hole, and buried his food. He then brought the plate back inside the house and put it in the sink.
"Oh Courage, you didn't have to eat it. I don't want you getting sick now do I?" She asked him as he stood on a little stool and washed his plate off.
"Mm-mm." He shook his head as a shadow fell over him and Muriel, Muriel oblivious to it as she resumed packing Eustace's lunch.
Courage, of course, noticed.
Turning around, he found himself eye-to-eye with a ninja.
"AH!" Courage screamed, turning an alarming shade of white as Muriel turned around.
"Oh my." She said. "Can I help you?" She asked the ninja.
He nodded and then pointed at the dog. Seconds later, he put a ridiculously large diamond in his hand and held it out to Courage.
"I think he, or she, wants to give you that as a present." Muriel said.
Courage eyed the diamond, which seemed to stare back at him.
"Uh-uh." Courage shook his head before leaping in Eustace's picnic basket, hiding as best as he could. He even shaped himself into the shape of a pie in hopes of fooling them.
"Courage, it's not nice to reject gifts." Muriel scolded him with as the ninja reached into the basket and pulled "the pie" out, shaking Courage back into his original state before shoving the diamond into his paws.
"Oh, I was hoping to avoid trouble today." He groaned.
Eustace came running back downstairs, his mallet over his shoulder and war paint on his face.
"Once I find whoever took that diamond and they see me coming, they'll give up quickly and then I'll be rich, rich, rich." Eustace muttered to himself as he went into the dining room, heading for the kitchen door. "MURIEL! Where's my-"
The door opened enough for a black-clad arm to appear, holding out the picnic basket to him.
"Took you long enough, woman." He muttered, snatching the basket away and stomping out of the room. "That dog better not have touched my food. And keep my dinner warm!" He barked as his parting words, slamming the door behind him.
He climbed into his truck, the picnic basket getting tossed to the floor, and took off without a parting glance.
"Stupid dog." He added, just because it felt right.
He hadn't even noticed it wasn't Muriel who handed him his food.
The ninja turned back to Muriel as the change hit Courage.
He dropped the diamond and dove under the table, his eyes narrowing as observed the room from a new perspective.
A ninja perspective.
Courage had gone from being a timid farm dog to a ninja in five minutes.
"Oh my." Muriel said as Courage back flipped from under the table to on top of the table. Even the ninja was a little startled by this. He then began climbing the wallpaper as Muriel turned and glared at the ninja. "Whatever you gave my Courage, I want you to take it back right now."
"I can't." The ninja said, speaking for the first time as he removed his headgear. "Once handed off, the diamond's powers can only be transferred from the current handler to another person after something has been set right."
"That's a very strange problem to have," Muriel said as Courage hung from the ceiling light by one hand, throwing spoons like throwing stars at the ninja.
The ninja just stepped out of the way and continued. "Yes, it is. Look, if you really want your pet returned to normal, then he needs to help me. Once that is done, he can hand the… Problem… Of to anyone he so chooses. Or he can give it to the original owner and they can hand it off."
Courage leapt from the light, landing in front of Muriel. He then nodded at the ninja, as if telling him to continue.
The ninja nodded back, addressing him this time. "You must… Get back these items of mine." He said, dropping a list on Courage.
Courage recovered quickly, whipping the long, scroll-like list around like a weapon before he stopped to read it.
Pair of socks. Apple-shaped remote. Wood-cutting for Idiots. Pizza cutter that moos like cow.
Looking back up at the ninja, he growled, as if implying that the job was too menial for him.
"Oh my," Muriel said, taking a step back.
The ninja shrugged. "I know it's a pathetic job, but what can I do? They accidentally were left at my aunt's mansion, and since she's a genuine ninja, she'll know if I go there to retrieve them. So you must be the one to get them back," he said, pointing dramatically at Courage as lightning flashed through the nearby windows. "And they'll be easy to find. Just check the most obvious places."
Muriel was momentarily distracted before voicing her thoughts. "That seems like an awfully complicated way of getting your things back. Can't you just ask her?"
The ninja shook his head. "Nope. She's deliberately holding on to them so that I will talk to her." He said with a sigh. "Anyway, I don't want to be a ninja. I want to design wooden pieces of art. I want to be a professional woodcutter…" He said, waving his hand in the air. "And besides, she's kinda mean." He added.
Courage and Muriel exchanged looks. Muriel smiled at Courage. "Well, couldn't hurt to help the man, could it?" She asked him.
Courage pondered that for several moments. Finally, he turned to the ninja and bowed in a show of respect.
The ninja, meanwhile, shrugged. "Wow. Never saw this one coming. Did you?"
At the twin annoyed looks he received from Muriel and Courage, he decided it was best not to say anything else.
Downtown Nowhere…
"Yah, stupid diamond." Eustace grumbled as he sat in his truck. "Can't it show up easy and obvious. Where do diamonds hide when you need them?"
Behind him, and the truck, seven ninjas flipped by while being chased by pirates, an elephant followed them while riding a tricycle, and his mother threw cabbages at the truck.
"I'm gonna move my truck; maybe it can't see me. Stupid diamond." Eustace growled.
He started the truck as twenty baboons climbed in the back, all chattering as Eustace growled again.
"Stupid dog! Made the truck sound like a flock of baboons. Stupid dog!" He ranted, pulling away from the curb.
More like "Stupid Eustace"…
Elsewhere Nowhere… Midnight(where)…
Outside of the giant mansion, a small, dark figure stood. They avoided search lights and guard pigs with ease, scaling the ivy-covered east wall within moments.
Halfway up the wall, heading for a balcony, they looked down and signaled at the bushes that everything was, "So far, so good", before continuing their ascent.
"Oh my." Muriel said as the ninja, whose name was Eugene, snorted. The pair hid in the bushes, both clad in black, though Muriel still wore her rain boots.
"You think that's impressive? I once climbed the side of a pyramid in order to retrieve my watch. While wearing ice skates." The ninja said, confusing Muriel. "Yeah, I just told you that because I've really needed to talk to someone."
"You mean you can't talk when you're a ninja?" Muriel asked him, surprised.
Eugene shook his head. "No. It's kinda stupid, really, but it's a part of our creed."
"So, were you trained as a ninja for a long time, or was it the diamond's effects that changed you?" Muriel asked him.
"The diamond for me, but other ninjas are trained from birth on, so they don't speak for that long." Eugene said with a sigh. "I hope your cat can get my stuff back."
Muriel blinked and then brought her hand to her chin. "Oh… My…" She said, a little surprised that Eugene thought Courage was a cat.
Back at the farmhouse, three monsters sat on the front porch.
One of them looked like a cube with flippers. It also was a vibrant shade of yellow. It sat to the side of the front door, waiting.
Another one, which looked like a demonic flag, sighed as it hung off the side of the overhang.
The third, a pogo stick with fangs, sighed as it checked its watch. "That does it, I'm leaving. C'mon, let's go. My father's making a ham. You two are always welcome." It said, hopping off the porch.
"Yeah!" The other two agreed, the flag flying after the pogo stick while the cube, which had wheels, fell off the side of the porch.
It had landed on its side, and needed a moment to right itself; after it did, though, it sped after the other two with a squealing of tires.
Well, Courage would be happy to know that the monsters had left them alone.
Meanwhile, Courage had finally managed to get into the mansion.
He removed a scroll from his hat and studied it for a moment before throwing it over his shoulder and humming, silently, in thought.
Nearby, two guard dogs rounded the corner, barking amicably back and forth about something as they approached Courage's position.
As Courage continued thinking, so still that he could easily be mistaken for a statue, the dogs passed him, laughing about something.
When they had rounded another corner, Courage took off in the opposite direction in his little dancing run.
Time to retrieve the items.
The socks were the easiest things to find and retrieve. They were in the laundry room and, once Courage got past the guard in there, he stuffed them into his pocket and continued on his search.
Next came the remote. It took a little thinking in order to figure out where the "most obvious" place for it was, but after wandering around the house for a while, it finally hit Courage where it would be.
In the remote room.
Some days it was good to be a purple dog that feared everything but was as sharp as a tack.
"Stupid ninjas. Stupid meal. Stupid dog." Eustace whined as he drove home, eating the meal Muriel had packed him.
It was late, and at 4 AM no one, including diamonds, had been out.
"Stupid sun. Should've stayed up longer." He muttered, throwing the sandwich he was eating out the window. "Stupid sandwich. Not enough mayo."
Somehow he still had not noticed the baboons in the back of the truck.
"And still stupid dog for making the stupid truck sound like stupid baboons!" Eustace ranted.
Courage had had to get creative in order to get into the remote room. Standing on the head of one of the guard dogs as it entered the room and checked it over had not been his first plan, but it had been the one that worked.
He had to stand on a small table after leaping away from the dog while it checked over the room. It soon left, and he was free to look.
Crossing that item off his mental list, once he'd located the remote in a bin of them, he give himself a slight pat on the back. Halfway done.
He knew the book was going to be the hardest one to find, since there were bookshelves all over the place, so he decided that the pizza cutter was the next item he was going to look for.
The only one place a pizza cutter would be, the kitchen, was also the busiest place in the house.
Guards sat around a table, playing card games and munching on pizza, while several others sat in front of a window, exchanging bad jokes.
Courage, at first, was wary about how he was going to get the pizza cutter- which sat on the edge of the sink, obviously having been used for the pizza that some of the guards were eating.
There were very few options for Courage in that case.
Finally, he shrugged and threw caution to the wind, just casually walking into the room, heading for the sink. He had to grab a stool in order to reach the pizza cutter, but he acquired his target nonetheless.
Turning, he was about to hop off the stool when he found himself standing next to a guard.
"Aw, you must be Bertha's older sister. The ninja in training." The man said, patting Courage's head. "Say, you shouldn't have that." He said, looking at the pizza cutter.
Courage froze, trying to think of a way out of there, when the man shrugged.
"You must need it for a good reason, right?" The man asked him.
Courage nodded once, to the point.
"All right then. Here, have a slice to go." The guard said, handing Courage a paper plate with a slice of pizza with everything one could think of on it.
Courage accepted the slice with a sharp nod. He then hopped off the stool, the pizza cutter under one arm, and left, eating the pizza absentmindedly in a few quick bites.
That just left the book.
Hmm. Courage tapped his foot, deep in thought, as he stopped to stuff the pizza cutter in his pocket. If I were a cranky aunt hiding a book from my failure ninja nephew, where would I put that book? He wondered.
Then a light bulb went off over his head.
Boss battle. He thought, his eyes narrowing.
After giving a silent, ninja-esque battle cry, Courage took off running down a hallway, following his internal compass as to where the book, and the "Boss battle", was.
"Mm, just how good is your cat at finding things? That book may be virtually impossible to find." Eugene said, peering through a pair of binoculars at the house. "My aunt really enjoys reading and she may have hidden that book someplace that only she can find it."
"Oh my. You do realize that Courage is a dog, don't you?" Muriel asked him.
Eugene paused, pondering Muriel's words. "I thought he was too fat to be a cat."
Muriel frowned. She couldn't wait until this… This… Whatever it was, was over.
Found it. I think. Courage thought, staring at the book.
It was in the center of a coffee table, which just happened to be in the center of a hallway, in front of the French doors leading onto a balcony.
Not suspicious at all…
He studied the hallway, the table, and even the book itself for several moments before coming to the conclusion that if there were any traps, then they were too well hidden for even him to find.
He stepped forward cautiously and took the book in his hands, studying it carefully as he backed away from the table, when he backed into a figure behind him.
His eyes grew wide as, for a moment, his normal Courage personality broke through. Then, he resumed being a ninja and attempted to leap away from the figure.
Instead, they caught him in their arms and lifted him up, turning him around to look him in the eye.
It was an older woman who was dressed in ninja gear.
Shaking her head, she put Courage down and signaled for him to stay put as she withdrew and pencil and small notepad.
She scribbled something on it, and then showed it to him.
So, my nephew sent you, eh?
He nodded.
She shook her head and wrote something else down.
He's hiding in the bushes outside, isn't he?
After a pause, he nodded again.
The woman seemed to sigh. Typical hiding place. I knew I should've checked there first. Take me to him.
Muriel was in the middle of a peaceful discussion with Eugene about the use of vinegar in, well, anything, when Courage and Eugene's aunt appeared.
"Ah! Aunt Bertha!" Eugene screamed, ducking behind Muriel as Bertha shook her head and wrote something on the notepad again.
What is going on with you? First, you renounce your ninja career, and then you move out.
"I… I… I won't take having my dreams crushed anymore!" Eugene yelled, crossing his arms.
Bertha blinked. What on earth are you talking about?
Eugene sniffled, tears in his eyes. "I… I thought you didn't want me working as a professional woodcutter." He mumbled, breaking eye contact.
Bertha silently snorted. I never thought that. I just wanted you to help out around the house some more. Your room was so dirty I had to have it redecorated.
"So… You're not mad?" Eugene asked her timidly.
She shook her head and then held out her arms.
"Auntie!" Eugene ran forward and hugged her, crying. He then leapt away as he realized that he was showing some form of emotion other than disdain. "Um, yeah… Sorry." He muttered.
Bertha shook her head again. No, I'm the one who should be sorry, Eugene. I just wish we could talk some more about this, but we both know it's inevitable that we're going to fight again.
Muriel and Courage exchanged looks as Courage shook his head.
"You know, I just had a wonderful idea. Why don't you two talk over a meal?" Muriel asked them. "I find that food helps bring everyone closer together."
The two ninjas looked at each other and shrugged. Obviously, the idea had never crossed their minds.
"And I know just the meal that would be perfect for the occasion!" She added helpfully.
Once again, the combined efforts of Muriel and Courage had saved the day.
Bertha seemed to smile as Eugene hummed in thought. "Hmm... Well, all right. We ca try."
Bertha nodded before seeming to frown. Thank you. Now, give me the diamond. This poor dog needs to be himself again. Bertha added.
Eugene shrugged. "I don't have it."
Bertha frowned. Then who-
She looked at Courage. He offered up the diamond to her in a heartbeat.
Thank you. I will find someone who deserves this. Someone loud, rude, and who could use an excuse to travel. Bertha told them. Now, where is this house of yours?
Back at the farmhouse, Eugene and Bertha sat, eating Muriel's turkey-gravy dinner.
Muriel smiled at the two "talked". Eugene spoke, and Bertha scribbled her responses down on a notepad to show him.
"Ah, Courage, whatever a marvelous start to a new day." Muriel said, nursing a cup of tea as the sun rose.
"Mm-hmm." Courage said, stuffing his face with pancakes that Muriel had made specially for him.
"I just wonder where Eustace is." She said, stopping to think of her husband.
Courage pondered that though too.
"And why a bunch of baboons were in front of the farmhouse in the truck." She added.
Somewhere in France, a ninja ran from several pirates, silently cursing a certain dog as the pirates shouted in Greek after him.
Nothing ever made sense in Courage's universe.
Stupid dog! Eustace thought, running into the sunset. Well, he at least had the diamond…
Guess that was who Bertha decided the diamond belonged to. Smart woman.
Stupid Eustace.
So… Reviews? Thoughts? Smoke signals? …Okay, so maybe that last one was a little much. But, other than that…
Happy New Year! =D