This is my first Mag7 Fic… well actually it's just some thoughts that could be placed in almost any fandom, but I wrote it while thinking of Chris and another member of Mag7…
I hope you like it, and hope it's not too badly written, because English is not my first language (not even my second :-)…
Please give me a review (if anyone actually reads this!) I would be so happy:-)
Oh and if anyone has doubts, nothing is mine, not the characters or their story or anything and I certainly don't earn any money with this…
REINCARNATION
I couldn't breathe.
And there was no air getting trough my knotted being to my heart and so I could not live.
There was no joy.
There was no light, the sun just a lie told by naïve people believing in something that was not true. A lie. Only a lie. A lie to make people happy, to keep them alive in this hopeless world. Black world – dead world. Dead. Dead lives.
There was no life.
Movements were just done because they were expected. Breathing was just done because the body was set on automatic, no need to control it anymore. No need for nothing. Nothing. Laughing was a sin, laughing myself as much as hearing that sound, that sound reminding of loss, of pain, of death.
There was nothing.
Only a void. Not necessary black because black was nice, too nice. It was just empty, hollow. A vacuum, sucking everything up. Sucking up love and hope.
It was so cold, so very cold. Inside.
The fire had taken it all away. With light. With heat. With a deadly dance, eating and licking all the lives away. With tenderness. With bright tongues touching exposed skin and gently invading the bodies and souls and so very gently encircling the hearts. Virgin hearts. Eating them up. Taking them away, into the light. With God. To death.
Grace. Had been lost. Had been taken away.
Love. Lost.
Mercy. No more. No more.
Only brutality, coldness, emptiness. Nothingness.
Outside.
Everything was only outside now. Everything that happened was only happening in the world now, not inside. Never inside anymore, where I could feel – should feel. But no more. There was nothing on the inside now, nothing could be there anymore because it was only hurting, burning, dieing. The inside had to be cleaned out. The feelings had to be banished, purged from the body, the useless heart. The soul had to be cleansed, had been cleansed by the smoke of that fire. That fire.
Fire.
Only fire now. In the dreams that were no dreams at all but memories. Thoughts. The only moments of weakness that couldn't be controlled. The only moments when life could still grasp that blackened heart; tentatively touching that dieing soul.
Those dreams in a dreamless world. Dreamless – hopeless. No dreams should be allowed anymore because they could only hurt and take, never give. Never. Dreams were only a lie, a lie to keep people want to stay, keep them waiting. Waiting for nothing. To keep people hoping, hoping and despairing, because hope could not be fulfilled. Never.
Never. Never again would I let something inside, where I knew there was still a small seed of life yearning to break free and expand and thrive. But I would never let myself open those chains encircling my heart again; I would never open the steel-trap I had closed over my feelings and my soul. I would never let myself feel again. Live again. Love again. Because it would only hurt more. And I could not hurt anymore, could not die anymore. Because I was already dead – inside.
And then you came.
And you are still here.
And you moved without taking notice of me. You laughed without respecting my rules, my deadly glares and my hate. You just walked trough beside me with, dismissing me with a smile and accepting me with that same smile, accepting my challenge.
And you brought grace. A catlike, silent grace - a contradiction to your talk. Beautiful and dangerous and wild.
And you brought life. In your eyes, so deep down where no one could see it. Only me. I could see it because I was so similar. So similar to you, having buried all the life so deep down - just like you. And I saw it, in your eyes. Looking at me, scorching me. It jumped out and glowed like the sun, the sun that I couldn't see. But I see it again. Can see the sky again.
The light.
The light that you bought along with your darkness. The light you showed me by letting me sit in your shadow. By making me see that I am not alone. That you are suffering too, that others are suffering too.
By making me look like the bastard I have been all along. By making me hate again, making me feel again.
And you brought love.
And I couldn't care about not letting anything inside anymore as you took me out in the open and left me in the rain that poured into my heart. My heart that was yearning for water without me noticing it, with me noticing it but never taking care of it. And that small seed inside me was growing, and blooming. Giving birth to the most beautiful flower. But it was so hard for the flower to grow trough the iron bars guarding my soul, iron bars thatI couldn't open anymore. Because I had lost the key.
I had lost all knowledge of how to open up that prison I was living in.
So I was still caging that flower and not letting the love - that was slowly growing and taking hold of me, reviving me – show in my actions. My actions I was consciously taking now. For you.
Only for you.
In arguments, in blows. In small smiles that were truer than anything in years. In honesty. In keeping you by my side with everything I had, even with threats.
I couldn't let those things I was keeping inside to the outside now. I had so much inside, so much you had given me to have. But it wasn't coming out, couldn't come out. It was only inside me.
And then you showed me the key.
And smiled at me. That beautiful smile in your beautiful face. And you reached into my heart and brushed against my soul with your silken clothes. And touching my inner with your graceful, elegant fingers you slowly opened the knot in my neck. And I could breathe again and smell and live.
And so gently you reached into me. So gently. With a tenderness I thought only fire possessed. With a tenderness only you possess now. And you wiped my memory clean and took out my dreams, and you breathed your warm breath into my mind. Breathed new thoughts into my mind, new hope.
You reached into me and opened the prison of my heart. And freed me. And loved me without taking notice that I was not alive. And through that you made me live again. And you got so close and touched my skin – playing it like a piano. And you played the most wonderful melody I had ever heard. And it is still in my ear and in my heart. And the melody came from myself, and it was so sweet in me.
Beautiful. Just like you. Like life, like love.
You.
And you are still here, saying that you are not going away. Never.
And I can suddenly smile again and don't have to fight and yell and drown myself in alcohol. I don't have to hurt you anymore. Or myself.
And I can look at you now and touch you. And when I reach down now to touch your cheek, to draw your body closer to mine it feels good, it feels easy. It feels so light, so right. So right to touch you, to kiss you.
Kissing you and tasting you, making you mine. Making you fill my emptiness, making you the rain for my desert and the sun for my ice that was eating away at me. Making you live for me. Breathe for me.
And you taste good and you feel so good and I love you. And I need you. And I pull you closer to me. At the same time you pull me close and kiss me. And make me yours. And make me live for you. Breathe for you.
And you laugh against my neck and I still touch you and your laugh fills me up and crumbles the last walls in me to dust that is swept away by the rain you are giving me. The tears you are crying for me which are dried up by the sun in your eyes.And I feel clean. And I can laugh. For you – with you.
And it feels good when you push me towards the bed. When we are sinking down into your soft mattress. When you put your mouth against my ear and melt me with your hot breath.
And your words.
And I try to draw you even closer, to pull you into my body so I can still feel more of you. So I can be sure you are staying there, in me. In my heart where you sneaked into. Where you pushed yourself into without my permission.
You move against me as I move against you. And I put my mouth to your ear and feel you shiver when my breath is so hot against your ear. Like I have shivered for you.
And I love you.
"I am never letting you go again."
I feel complete when I feel our bodies move together, when you take me into you and I feel fire between us, the fire of lust. The fire of love.
And I love this fire.
"I love you."
And I am never letting you go again because you are in me now. And it is so difficult to get out of there. I know it. And I tell you. And you know it too and say that you don't ever want to come out again. And I love you.
"And I'm never letting you go again, Ezra."
Because you have made me live again.
You have made me want to stay in this beautiful world.
Beautiful like you.
the end. by Camlost.