I was excited when you told me you were getting time off, and that you were gonna catch up with me on the road and we'd be able to spend some time together. The e-mails and phone calls were nice, but nothin'll ever be able to compare with the way you feel in my arms. I had a whole itinerary planned out. I thought we'd be having fun. Little did I know that your "surprise visit" was going to end up being an ambush, and I can't help but resent that just a little.
You're standing there with your arms crossed over your chest, wild eyes blazing like fire. I hate to be the one on the receiving end of a look like that.
"I thought it was over, Matthew."
I flinch when you call me that. You never call me "Matthew" unless I'm really in for a world of hurt. I'm not sure what you need me to say to you, what you want to hear. But I know the truth isn't going to help any, so I just look down and hope that you'll go away and sulk. And when you're done sulking, you'll be fine, and you'll come to bed and let me love you and we can forget all this silly drama ever happened.
"Goddamnit, look at me! You can't shut me out like that!"
"It's never gonna be over, Jeff!" I'm spitting the words before I even have a chance to realize it. I vaguely notice you recoil, stung by my harsh reply, but right now I don't have the wits about me to tone it down. "It'll never be over! I'll always love you, and God willin', you'll always love me back, but we're never gonna be able to SAY IT! Not in front of anybody, not ever! We're always gonna have to pretend! You knew that! You knew it since the beginnin', and don't you try an' tell me otherwise!"
You stumble back and end up sitting on the edge of the bed, watching me like a puppy that I'd just kicked. I close my eyes against the sight and try to take myself away, back to when things were at least a little simpler.
"..Remember when we were young / "Matty?" "Yeah?" "You think we're gonna be on T.V. someday?" I smile at the excitement in your voice and I know now what you've been thinkin' about for the past hour. You get like that sometimes; just sittin' in daddy's ol' recliner, starin' at the wall with that dreamy smile on your face. I always wonder where you are right then, what you could possibly be thinkin' about for so long. It usually turns out to be the same thing every time. "'Course we are, Jeff. We'll be rich and famous and have tons of fans chasin' us everywhere! It's gonna be great. You just wait an' see." With that, the smile on your face morphs into an all out grin, and I can see you slowly slipping back into that place where you're the world champion, and everyone is screaming for you as you set up for your big finisher. I hate to interrupt you, but the clock has just chimed nine, and you know as well as I do that if daddy should happen to get up for anything, he'll tan us good if we're still awake at that hour. After all, we got tons of chores to do tomorrow mornin' before school. "Hey. Jeffy." "Hmm? What?" "C'mon. It's time for bed." "Aww, Matty.." "Don't start that with me, you know it ain't my rule. C'mon. Let's get a move on." You give me a resigned sigh and climb out of daddy's chair, and we head on up to our room. Stripping down and tossing our clothes into the hamper, we climb into our respective beds. I think that maybe you're asleep, until I hear your whisper; dad's room is just down the hall, so we have to be quieter in here. "Matt?" "Yeah?" "Tell me more about when we're famous." I smile and start the story that I've told you a hundred times before, and that I'll tell you a hundred times still before it actually comes true./ Little did I know back then that I was pretty good at tellin' the future. We did become rich, famous superstars. We did have fans chasin' after us, and everybody did scream when I hit the Twist of Fate, or, even moreso when you dove off the top of that ladder into a perfect Swanton Bomb.
Just two kids on the run
With our fists full of dreams.."
But how could I know back then how much we'd end up hurting? How hard we'd fall for each other and the extremes we'd have to take to hide it from everyone we knew? And if I did know, would I have done it all the same, anyway?
I open my eyes to see you still starin' at me, shocked and hurt and angry. Suddenly I'd give anything to get away from this; you, this hotel room, this entire fuckin' life. Anything to be able to go back and be a kid again.
"Is it true?"
I blink at your words, directing my attention back over to you. You're still sitting on the edge of your bed, and me on the edge of mine. We booked a double, of course; it wouldn't do at all for the hotel staff to know that two adult brothers shared the same bed. The thought just adds to my churning emotions, makes me feel somehow guilty about our situation. I've been takin' care of you my whole life, and you deserve better than this. I hate myself for not being able to give it to you.
"How can you ask me that, Jeff?"
"Because I fuckin' wanna know, Matthew! I think I deserve to know what goes on in your life when I ain't around! I thought we were done through with this when you broke up with Amy! The lies and the sneakin' around, and the damned jealousy, I thought it was over! And now I find out that you're fuckin' this.. this.. Ashley?!"
"I ain't sleepin' with her, Jeff." I try to make the words sound firm, but they come out soft and defeated. Funny; that's exactly how I feel right now. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wish that you wouldn't have come here at all, and my self-loathing increases.
"Yet you felt it necessary to announce that you were, on the fuckin' internet, where everybody and their brother could read it."
I snort humorless laughter at your deeper meaning in the saying, and you glare just a little harder at me. The look snaps me back to reality, a place I really don't want to be. Reality makes me mad, because it makes me think you came here for the sole reason of chewing me out over a damn website. The anger that's been building inside me finally boils to the surface, and I'm on my feet, suddenly hovering over you.
"I'm sick of this shit, Jeffrey. I'm sick of the accusations and the jealousy and you actin' like you fuckin' own me! For your information, no, I'm not sleepin' with anybody, but if I was, it'd be none of your goddamned business!"
Sweet Jesus, but you've got that abused puppy look down pat. I take a deep breath and push my hair out of my face so I can meet your eyes when you stand up in front of me.
"I thought you still loved me, Matty."
My heart has been broken before, and so I know what it feels like. And I know it's just happened again. How could you ever doubt me, after all we've been through?
"..Took it awhile, playin' it cool /"I hear one more word of you boys missin' school, and you both'll be getting' real familiar with my belt, I'll tell ya that right now!" We both stood silent in the kitchen, watching the floor, taking our verbal beating from dad. I want nothin' more than to run up to my bedroom and hide from the world, and I know you feel the same, but leaving before the lecture's over would do nothin' but make matters worse. Finally he's finished and we're sent to bed without supper. We don't say anything as we lie there in the dark, but I know sleep won't come easily for either of us. It hasn't been easy ever since we lost Momma. When I hear the first sniffles and muffled sobs from your side of the room, I immediately slide out of my bed and climb into yours and you curl up into a protective ball in my arms. "Why, Matty? Why?" I have no idea. A thirteen year old isn't exactly wise in the ways of adults; not yet. So I kiss your cheek and whisper to you the best thing I can come up with. "Daddy's sad too, Jeff. He just don't know how to handle it good, is all." Judging from the anguished sobs I occasionally hear coming from across the hall late at night, I suspect that my words are true. Momma was the glue that held everything together around here, and now that she's gone, everything's this close to fallin' apart. Right now, holdin' my baby brother in my arms and listenin' to my daddy cryin' and prayin' to God downstairs, I know I'm the one that has to be strong in all of this. "We gotta go to school tomorrow, Jeff." You freeze in my arms and I know exactly what you're thinkin'. You don't want to go to school because the death of our mother is bad enough without the pitying looks from teachers and cruel tongues of classmates, askin' what the hell a pansy-ass Momma's boy does when he don't have a Momma no more. "We gotta start goin' to school, and helpin' daddy out more. Now listen, tomorrow if anybody says anythin' bad to ya, you just tell me. I'll break their nose." You laugh and I can almost see you smile in the dark. I'm glad to cheer you up a little, even if I meant every word I just said./
Stayed up late, cuttin' school
Lightin' cigarettes, like James Dean.."
The memory brings tears rushing to my eyes and I blink them back hurriedly. Just like I knew back then that I had to be strong, I still know it now.
I'm not sure if you'll tolerate my touch at the moment, but I have to give it a shot. I reach up and place my hands on the sides of your face, watching your beautiful eyes. It's the closest contact we've had since you got here, and I'm almost within kissing distance of you. A rush of heat travels through my nerves at the thought, but I push that feeling back as well, knowing this isn't the time.
"You know I love you. I wouldn't be puttin' myself through this if I didn't."
You don't pull back like I half expected you to, but the hurt and uncertainty in your eyes is enough to wrench my heart.
"I.. I don't know what to say, Matty. Just the thought of you.. touchin' anybody like that, the way that you touch me.. I can't handle it, y'know?"
"I know, baby. But you ain't gotta worry about that, 'cause it'll never happen. I'll never, ever, touch anybody else the way I touch you."
/The house isn't a safe place anymore. It's taken us years to finally admit to what we feel, and now that we're old enough to have serious girlfriends and start thinkin' about the future, we're too busy lookin' for quiet, secret places where we can do nothin' but concentrate on each other. The car I've got is a piece of junk, but I love it. I earned it, workin' hard with my own two hands, and I'm damned proud of it. Besides, the backseat is big enough for the both of us, layin' down. The car is a promise of solitude, where we can go to get away from the problems and the people, and we don't have to think about real life. We can just be with each other, and fuck everything else. Parked out in the middle of nowhere, lights off, engine runnin' so we can listen to the radio, although I don't think either of us are actually payin' much attention to the music. I'm on top of you and you're writhin' underneath me, head tilted back, sweet voice pleadin' that I don't stop what I'm doin'. I'm still fully clothed but between the two of us, we got your jeans pushed down to your knees. My wrist is killin' me from the weird angle, but with the way you're moanin', there's no way my hand is goin' anywhere anytime soon. It's a powerful feelin', knowin' I'm the only person that's ever done this to you. No one else in the world has seen you, heard you like this. Nobody but me. I alternate my strokes: fast, slow, steady, and then with a quick flick of my wrist, just to hear the different sounds I can get from you. Every time I feel you start to tense and throb, I back off, not wanting this moment to ever end. I hadn't realized what it was doin' to you until you opened your eyes, clouded with lust and desperation, and looked up at me. Whispered. "Please, Matty. Please. Let me come for you." It was enough to almost make me lose it right there without a single touch from your hand, but I held back. This moment was yours. I stroked you hard and fast and you arched up off the seat, pushing up against me and sobbing with relief as your warmth spilled out between us. You'd tell me later that it was the best orgasm you'd ever had in your life, and I'd spend the next two hours gloating about it./
"..In the backseat of my Chevrolet
Where the radio would play and play
And all the world would fade away.."
You look away from me and I notice that your cheeks hold a tinge of color. It makes me wonder if we'd been thinking about the same thing.
Your demeanor has softened and you're letting me touch you, and so I reason that you must be feeling better. I lean in to kiss you, to chase the argument away once and for all, and you stop me with your words.
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
"What?"
"You heard me, Matt." Your voice is strong and firm and that scares me all the more. I can't believe what you've just said to me, but you sound sure of it. And if you're sure of it, maybe I won't be able to change your mind.
"You.. you can't say that, Jeff. You just can't."
"No. No, Matthew, you know what I can't do? I can't live a lie any longer. I can't be hopelessly in love with somebody and have to hide it all the damn time. Do you have any idea what it's like for me, Matthew?! To not be able to touch you or kiss you, or even hold your hand when we walk down the street together?! Do you know how fuckin' hard it is—"
"Jeff, you fuckin' idiot, OF COURSE I KNOW! You think you're the only one in this damn relationship?! You think I don't go through the same things as you do?! But you've gotta trust me, baby. God, you've just got to! We can't give up, we can't be without each other! We've never been without each other."
I stop talking when my voice starts to crack. You've driven a chisel into my protective walls and now you're just hammering away. I can't stand it. I have to be the strong one, I always have been. But god, it's killing me. You're killing me. "Together we stand You flinch out of my touch and duck past me, walking across the room. You start pacing, murmuring to yourself under your breath and it drives me up the friggin' wall. Why won't you talk to me?!
Well, its just you and me
So baby, hold on and you'll see
Forever we stand
And we'll make it through
'Cause I know that I can't live without you.."
I keep quiet, not trusting my voice, and without any intelligent words to say, anyway. My knees feel like Jell-o, and my heart is pounding so hard I wonder if you can hear it. You always liked lying in bed with your head on my chest, listening to my heart beat. You said it talked to you, told you how much I loved you. It was right, Jeff.
/"You think dad'll ever forgive us?" "He ain't angry, Jeff. He just don't understand. He thought we'd grow out of this whole wrestlin' thing a long time ago, go to college, get married, lead normal every day lives." I return the secret smile that crosses your face: the one that says, "little does he know…" "You sure we can do this?" "How can we not, Jeffy? This is our dream; it's our destiny. We're gonna be wrestlers. It's finally gonna happen, can you believe it? Dad'll understand someday. When we get famous and start rakin' in the dough, and he sees us on T.V. and sees all the people screamin' for us.. he'll be so proud of his boys. You'll see." You're silent for a minute and I know you've escaped off to your other world, the one you prefer to reality. Pretty soon it'll be reality, Jeff, I want to tell you. But I know you won't believe me, you'll think it's too good to be true. But you'll see. "Hey, Matty?" "Yeah, baby?" "What if somebody there finds out about us?" "They can't. If they do, we'll be ruined before we ever have the chance to start. We'll just have to be careful. Really careful." "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey, Matty?" "Yeah?" "I love you." "I love you too, Jeff. No matter what happens, don't ever forget that."/
"..They said we're growin' up too fast
What we had would never last
So we left without goodbyes.."
"How did we end up like this?"
You've been talking to yourself for so long that at first, I don't even realize you're talking to me. You've stopped pacing and now you're hunched in the corner, and somehow that makes things even worse. You look like a wild bird, beautiful in all its colors, locked in a cage.
"What do you mean? It ain't so bad, Jeff. If you'd just stop to look—"
"This ain't how it was supposed to happen, Matt. We ain't partners anymore, hell, we don't even work for the same company. It wasn't supposed to be like this. When we were kids, and we planned it, it wasn't like this!"
"A lotta things happened that we didn't plan. But we got through it, together. I don't see why this time should be any different."
/"Jesus, you could've killed yourself! What the hell were you thinkin'?!" You ignore my demand, and a sleepy smile crosses your face. They've got you wasted on somethin', and you're obviously not feelin' any pain right now, despite the fall you sustained off that damn ladder. Lucky thing you didn't break your back. "Did you hear 'em, Matty? Did you hear 'em cheerin' for me? That's why I did it. And I'd do it again if I had the chance. Will do it again, soon as I get out of this damn bed." I didn't expect the tears to come, and obviously, neither did you because you looked at me with such a comically shocked expression that my tears almost turned to laughter. I sobbed out loud and buried my face against the paper gown covering your shoulder, and you raised your hand, mindful of the IV taped to it, awkwardly stroking my hair. "Matty, what is it? What's wrong? Shh, shh.. whatever it is, we'll fix it. We'll fix it.." "God, Jeff.. you scared the hell outta me! I thought you might've been really hurt. Like, serious. And then I couldn't stop thinkin' about what'd happen if you broke your back and you were paralyzed, or somethin', and.. I just couldn't stop thinkin' stuff like that. It was awful!" "I'm fine, baby, I'm fine. Look!" Demonstrating, you lifted your legs from the bed, wiggling your bare toes at me. You tried to hide the grimace of pain that the movement caused, but it was no good. Seeing it made the tears flow even harder. Eventually, you stopped talking and wrapped your arms around me the best that you could. It was one of the only times I'd ever break down in front of you, because I didn't know what else to do./
"..And then some times, well, they got tough
Roads ahead looked kinda rough
And all we had was you and I.."
Not able to stand it anymore, I stalk over to you and grab you by the arms, pulling you away from the wall and against me. At first you tense, prime for a fight, but I hold you tighter and eventually you submit. Limp against me, you lay your head on my shoulder and sigh. I know what you're feeling right now; how good it is to hold each other again after all the lonely nights. And they have been lonely nights, Jeff; nobody has been there to try to replace you.
"Listen to me. I don't know what it is that you're thinkin'. Whether you want to leave me, or what. But I gotta let you know that I don't think I could handle that. I love you, Jeff. You're the only person I've ever loved. I know I've put you through a lot. The fights, the hiding, the damn.. fiasco with Amy. I know. But you gotta believe me when I say that I love you, only you. There's nobody else, and there never will be. As far as havin' to be apart like we are, well, there's nothin' I can do about that jus' now. Unless you keep missin' your matches and gettin' suspended for a month at a time so you can come see me."
I'm not sure if my feeble attempt at humor will work, but I feel your lips curve into a small smile against my neck and it brings a fresh wave of hope to me.
"Whatever you hear, or whatever you read, don't get upset over it, baby. It's just keepin' up appearances, like we've always done. And if it does freak you out, just call and talk to me about it, and I promise I'll always tell ya the truth. I ain't never lied to ya before, and I ain't gonna start now, alright?"
You pull back enough to look at me, and already you look so much better. The blame is gone from your eyes and you're more relaxed; the lines between your eyebrows have disappeared.
"I'm sorry, Matty. I didn't mean to make ya feel bad. And I didn't really mean all that stuff I said. I don't know what I'd do without ya, either."
"We're two halves of the same whole, Jeff. Ain't no way we could live without each other."
You smile and poke me good-naturedly in the side. "And they say I'm the poet."
/It was dark and freezing. I had the heat up as high as I could get it, but hotel thermostats never work right. I was cuddled as close to you as I could get, sweat still sticking to our bodies, since neither of us had had the energy to shower after such intense lovemaking. I thought you were asleep and was beginning to drift off myself when you spoke. "You think we're gonna go to hell, Matty?" "Hmm? Why would you say that?" "Because of, y'know. How we are." "What, you mean because we love each other?" "Yeah, but, Matty, we don't love each other like regular brothers do. And if there's a bigger sin than having sex with your own flesh and blood, I don't know what it is." "How about killing somebody?" "Shut up, Matt. You know what I mean." I smile. "Yeah, I know what you mean, Jeff." "Well? Are we?" "Well, how should I know? The only thing I know, Jeff, is that if we do go to hell, it'll be worth it for every second I've gotten to spend with you."/
"..We prayed to God on those cold, dark nights
And then we knew that it would be alright
We'd go through hell just to hold each other tight.."
I have no thoughts of Hell in my mind right now, but as I slide inside you while kissing your lips, I am reminded that there is a Heaven. It's been so long since I've made love to you, I can barely remember the last time. I can tell that you've been craving it; your legs are wrapped vice-tight around my waist and your hands are grabbing the headboard so tight that your knuckles are white. I wrap my hands around yours and our fingers naturally lace together as I start to move inside you, drawing those sweet noises from your throat.
It's been so long, and I know that it'll be quicker than either of us wants, but right now it doesn't matter at all.
I lean down and kiss your neck and you tilt your head back, inviting me further. I sink teeth into your skin, causing enough pain and surprise to make you cry out. There'll be a mark there tomorrow, and I know you'll enjoy the curious looks you get from everyone. You'll enjoy showing it off, but keeping its maker a secret. And if there's any way I can make this all easier for you, I'm going to do it.
You're clawing at my back, hitching in uneven breaths and moving into every thrust of my hips. You're getting close, and I'm right there, but holding back, waiting for you. After all this time, I want it to be as perfect as it possibly can be.
You always did know how to get to me, and your breathless whisper in my ear sends my control spiraling out the window.
"Oh, God. Now, Matty. Now."
You clinch around me, trembling, and the sensation is enough to send me headlong into ecstasy, my vision blind to everything except your face. You arch up into the sensation and I push into you deep, staying there while we cling to each other in the throes of climax. I vaguely realize that you're crying, but I know you well enough to not be worried. They're tears of happiness.
/Oh, god. You're crying. What the hell have I done? I freeze immediately, looking down at you wide eyed. "No, no, Matty, it's fine. It's fine, it.. it hurts, a little, but mostly it's that.. it's you, and.. I love you.. I love you so much, y'know?" "I know, and I love you, too, but.. are you sure? Are you sure you're okay? I'll stop if you want to, Jeff, it's no big deal at all. Or we can.. y'know, we can.. switch." "No! No, I don't want to stop, Matty. Just go slow, okay? Go slow." "Okay. Okay." I close my eyes and try to do as you said, moving slow, and running my hands along your body to try and get you to relax. Before either of us knows it, we're locked close together, with me buried to the hilt inside you. Neither of us have done this before, and the movements are a little awkward at first, but eventually we come into sync. It isn't perfect, at first. You're hurting and I feel guilty for hurting you, but you're retaliating with your fingernails dug viciously into my shoulder blades. It becomes easier after a couple of minutes, though, not quite so awkward, and we're staring into each other's eyes, both unbelieving that this is actually happening. I smile and you smile back and just like that, everything is right. You eventually pry one hand off my back and slide it between our stomachs, stroking yourself, and I blush and feel stupid that I hadn't thought to do it for you. But suddenly it doesn't matter, because you're moaning and thrusting up against me and I come undone right then and there, shaking and shuddering and calling your name. I'm vaguely aware of the warmth between us and know you've been satisfied, too. Only momentarily do I mourn the fact that I was too caught up in myself to be able to watch you, before you kiss me soundly on the mouth and ask me why the hell we'd never done that before./
"..Together we stand
Well, its just you and me
So baby, hold on and you'll see
Forever we stand
And we'll make it through
'Cause I know that I can't live without you.."
We showered and cleaned up and went immediately back to bed, exhausted from all the activity of the night. I'm spooned against you now, pressed as close as physically possible to your back, feeling your every breath against me.
In the moonlight seeping in from the curtain, I see the bed across the room, empty and still made. The thought makes me feel a bit warmer inside.
I smile as I drift to sleep, knowing that despite the past, and the future, there's nowhere I'd rather be than where I am right now.
"..As long as the world keeps turning,
As long as there's another day
Together, forever, we'll stay."