Title: The way things are
Author: Tears for Aurora
Dedications: To the girl who made my life hell. But more to the one who has taken my heart and filled it to the brim with love and desire.
A/n: This is the epilouge of an era. A book that has been closed.
The look on her face kills me. But no, this isn't my fault. Goddess, it's never been my damn fault. If I had actually done some wrong to her I could understand why she is looking at me as though I broke her favorite chess set. But no, once again it was her, she chose not to work this out. She chose to evoke silence rather than reason. So why is it I feel as though I've betrayed her? Silly of me really.
Of course to top off the guilt pie I've got shame ice cream. I feel like my robes are two sizes too tight. I feel as though she can see right through them, the clothes beneath them and past my underthings to my core. That one part of myself I denied her for so long and finally gave over to her as surely as anything. Now that I had given it to her, there was no asking for it back.
This wouldn't be so terrible if the memory would quit playing in my head like a rerun of an old television program. I could deal with that if the commercials weren't all advertisements of every time we've broken apart. Even that wouldn't be so horrible if the reruns didn't cause my sex to flow like a river. I shift in my seat and catch a sharp whiff of my own arousal. My rationale tells me to calm down, no one else can see the exchange that is going on between the two of us. Ignorant little lions are these, they see not the way my face flushes whenever she looks at me.
She sees it though. I see contempt in her gaze. My blood all but stops as rage fills my heart. I think back to that day. Why couldn't she have used these feelings of anger in her love making? I'm certain it would have been better. I think back to all of the times that she told me that I was going far too slow for her. I recall her unsteady hand, the way she was far too gentle for me to take anything away from her pathetic attempts to give me some sort of release. I think again of how she never really got me off, my getting her off had gotten me off. I feel more like a butch now than I ever have before.
I hate her for all of this. I hate her because I once loved her. I hate her because she simply will not admit what I can see as clear as crystal. I hate her for even having the gall to look at me at all. I hate the way she looks put out sometimes and angry at others. She has no right to either emotion. It is copyright infringement on a serious level, because those looks and those feelings both belong squarely to me. Miss Hermione Granger. She's dating some boy. She's all his and I'm all hers. I feel sorry for the bloke to be perfectly honest. She'll break his eager little heart as surely as a hammer breaks glass. Poor ignorant little fuck.
Still these palpitations of the heart remind me of what she has done to me. Passed along the disease thats she herself suffers from. Weakness is a contagious thing. It is more deadly than any unforgivable curse ever could be. Still I shiver when her gaze passes over my lips, my chest, my body in it's entirety. For that i will never forgive her. I am so offended that I feel sick every time she does look over my form.
To offend is marvelous. Her gaze flickers over to me and I lick my chapped and cracked lips in much the same way I did that day. She recognizes the slow movement for what it is. It is one of my idiocincracies. When I find myself in a state of excitement I moisten my lips constantly. My eyes are almost coal black and she must know. I love that. Her eyes deliberatly leave my face. Good I hope I make her very uncomfortable, it is the least I can do.
She can't escape her past. Karma doesn't stop for red lights. I hope her memories burn her the way mine do. I hope she cringes every time she thinks of me and what Iv'e done to her little world of denial. Torn down the walls and burned them I have. How can she deny what she is after she's done the deed? After she lusted so passionalty after my body? Fucking fool. I hope I'm always in the back of her mind. I hope that she can't shake the image of the top of my head between her legs. I hope she hates it as badly as I do. I hope it makes her cunt beg and weep the way it does mine.
Class is about to end and she is packing her things into her bag. She throws one last glance my way and I cannot help the look of lust and revulsion that overtakes my features when she does. I want to walk over to her and slap her. I want to push her into a wall and make her listen to reason. I want to make her feel how I feel. But no... I don't think she ever understood and I know she never will.
The most I can do is sit here and brood over what should never have happened. All I can do is stare death into her back. All I can do is watch her walk away and throw looks over her shoulder at me. I can se regret in her eyes and I know she can see the anger in mine as I fall in step with my friends and she hers. I know that the people who walk between us can feel that they're walking through a war zone. The tension that lies in the spaces between us is so thick.
I know that I am almost over this. My heart doesn not race when I see her. My pulse does not quicken. No butterflies flutter. It's fine. I can deal with the end of the sotry. I've been waiting for it. The end is fine when you've authored your own stuggle. I am ready for the book to close. Her looks are the only thing keeping it open. They will stop soon. She 'loves' her boy. I love my new girl. Everything is going well. Now if the reruns would just stop playing...
Goddess I hate her. I want her to know that I never really loved her. It was passion and youth. A magnified infactuation. Nothing more. But forget it. I turn back to Harry and Ron. She turns back to Malfoy. She speaks with unnessesary volume. We turn a corner and her voice fades. I see Ginny and I smile. She smiles too. Pansy passes behnd us and sees the exchange. Her eyes burn like fire and I kiss Giny's cheek.
Pansy is my past. It' time to start living for the future. Time to start my life with Ginny. She can admit who she is and what she wants. I love her.
So here it is. The part I've been waiting for. The end...