I knew I had to tell him that I couldn't love him back. I had made my mind up a long time ago. Not even realizing it myself. I know it will break his heart, probably mine too, but it needs to be done.
As I walk down the familiar streets of district 12 to his house all I want to do is turn around. Run away. Telling myself that I don't deserve either of them, because truthfully I don't. But I keep walking. I know if I don't do it now, I never will. I reach his door, already about to burst into tears. Somehow, I knock.
"Hey Catnip." Gale says as he swings the door open. But his excitement turns to worry as soon as he sees my face. He can tell. I don't even have to say I'm about to break his heart.
"Hi," I mange to get out.
But Gale isn't up for chatting. He wants to get straight to the point.
"So you're here to tell me what? That you're too broken to let me all the way in? That you can't be with me because there's no room in your heart?" He practically spits at me, each word cutting through me like a knife. Tears are already rolling down my face; I don't try and stop them because I know its no use.
"No," I say, "that's not it."
"So what is it then, Katniss?"
"It's Peeta. I love him," I say, almost regretting it when I see his anger instantly turn to hurt. He just stares at me. Saying nothing, but he doesn't need to. I can see how badly I've already hurt him. All those years we spent together in the woods laughing, talking, loving each other…they mean nothing anymore.
"Why. Why do you love him?" He says, as he runs his hands through his hair, practically ripping it out.
"Gale, I'm not going to sit here and torture you with all the reasons why I love him."
"Fine," he says, much more confidently, "but I want to know why it was him and not me. I want to know what made up your mind."
I'm not prepared for this. To just sit here and watch him hurt even more, but I know I have to.
So I start, "Well. You and I are just so…so alike. We have so much fire and hatred inside of us, always looking for revenge. Never realizing that good will eventually come."
"So you're saying that you can't love me because we're too much alike," he says, clearly annoyed.
"Well, no…that's, that's just part of it."
"Katniss. Don't you dare. Don't you dare come all the way down here, break my heart, and then try to spare my feelings. Don't sugar coat it for me. I deserve to know the truth."
He's right. He's more than right actually. He deserves so much better then what I'm giving him, what I've always given him. Which is nothing. "You're right," I say, "I'm sorry. But it's not just because you and I are alike. Truthfully I loved both of you for a long time. I always told myself I would never be able to choose, that I could never be with one of you without wanting the other. The reality of it was that you both deserved better."
Gale snorts, but I pretend to ignore it, and continue.
"Like I said, I loved you both. But when Peeta was taken from me, I would lie in bed every night, and cry. Uncontrollably. And it wasn't like I wouldn't cry for you too if you were the one taken from me. I would be just as broken. But I knew if the roles were reversed, Peeta would be there with me every night. Holding me while I was crying, telling me it would be okay, even though it would kill him seeing me so destroyed over you. I know if I had asked you to, you would have held me every night too. But that's the difference, I would have never had to ask Peeta. He was always just there. Whenever I needed him. Whenever I was broken beyond repair, he would pick up the pieces and some how manage to put me back together."
"I thought about it you know, coming into your room to comfort you. I just figured it wasn't my place," Gale said. Each word making him sound more and more broken.
It was killing me, but I continued,
"When I heard that we had finally rescued Peeta, and he was only a few steps away from me again…I was beside myself. I couldn't believe it. I finally felt like there was hope left for me, that I hadn't totally lost myself."
Gales expression was heartbreaking, but for his sake, I had to finish. That's all I kept telling myself. That this was for him. He needed closure.
"Walking to see Peeta was the happiest I'd been in a long time. When I saw him, and he saw me, nothing else seemed to matter anymore. But when I had woken up in the hospital that night, and realized he possessed such a burning hatred for me, I couldn't believe it. He had always loved me so much, unconditionally, and the thought that someone could make that all disappear broke me in such a way only Peeta could fix, and he was no longer there to put me back together. In those few weeks, seeing how he was around me, how he couldn't even stand to look at me, I knew I had to accept the fact that I lost him. And in a way, I deserved it. He had always given me everything, and I hardly ever gave him anything in return. I had taken him for granted for too long, and this was my punishment."
I paused for a second; the emotion on Gale's face was unchanged. Still broken.
"When they had sent Peeta to join us in war, it took everything inside of me to pretend I had truly let him go. But there were moments that I would get the old Peeta back. I would get the boy with the bread. When he looked at me the same way he used to. At the time I wouldn't let myself believe he was ever coming back, because his feelings of hate for me still overpowered the ones of love. But one night, he asked me to kill him. To put him out of his misery so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I thought I was actually going to have to do it, I owed him that much. I had put him through enough, and it was the least I could do. But the thought of President Snow beating me, of him taking Peeta away from me and truly winning left me furious, and looking for something, anything to save him. So I kissed him. Knowing it might mean death for me, but it was all I could think of. After the kiss, I saw the real Peeta return to me. Briefly, but I knew he was still in there. That is when I realized it was him I needed. It was him that I couldn't survive without. It had taken me completely losing him twice, but I knew."
"Why. Why then?" Gale asked, with tears in his eyes, completely shattered inside and out.
Without hesitating I said, "Because at that moment I knew if you were the one the capital had tortured, and turned against me, that I would never be able to save you. That only Peeta's complete unconditional love for me would one day bring him back to me. Peeta had loved me since he was 5 years old. You had only loved me when you saw I was with Peeta."
"That's not fair!" Gale screamed, "He didn't show his love for you until the games either."
"True," I said, "but unlike Peeta, all the hate and rage you have inside you would overpower any of the love you once had towards me. Losing Peeta made me realize it was not your rage, and hate I needed to match mine. I didn't need fire to burn with fire. I needed someone who would always tell me it would be okay. Who would tell me that after every dark tunnel there would be light. Someone who would never let me give into my fury, and rage. I took him for granted for so long. And believe me, it's not like I wouldn't miss you every day for the rest of my life if you were gone, but now I know that eventually I could live without you. I can't live without Peeta."
This is when I know, that as much as he hates it, Gale understands why it could have never been him. He gives me a small smile, wipes the tears off my face, and kisses me on the cheek. It takes everything inside of me not to wrap my arms around him and tell him how sorry I am, but I know that's not what he needs. I have to let him go now, because if I don't, I never will.
So I watch him walk away from me…watch him close the door…watch him walk out of my life. The boy I had spent so much of my time with, they boy I knew everything about, the boy that I had loved. Gone.