"Hi Johanna." I hear a quiet ghost of a voice behind me. I turn from the wall I am painting for our new schoolhouse and see Effie Trinket standing there. I look behind her, expect a whole slew of capitol people, but she seems to be alone. "What are you doing here?" I ask, a little harsher than I had intended. She fiddles her hands and glances around. "I'm not even sure." She says half amused. The way she twitches puts me on edge and I wonder if she is still using drugs. "I, I tried," she starts to say, but she stumbles across those words and cannot seem to find where she was headed. She runs her hand through her fake hair and nervously glances around. Her eyes flash when the meet mine and I am reminded of that one night we shared in 13.
She was worked up from being held captive, and I had found her on the floor of her room, covered in vomit, drugs scattered around her room. I knew how she felt, needing to numb the pain. I stole Katniss's morphling when I could. I had cleaned her up and put her to bed. I stayed with her that night. The next night, and a few more after that as well. We both were looking to numb our pain, push it from our minds. One night, it started with a hug when she woke me from a nightmare. She held me close and it reminded me of Katniss. The painful memory of the girl I loved sent a pang through my chest. I ached for her, but she was not there and never would be. She was with Peeta. I was hurting. Effie was hurting. She was suffering from withdrawals. I kissed her hoping she would slap me away and force me to deal with the situation. She kissed me back instead. I shake my head and go back to the girl in front of me.
I put the paintbrush in a bucket and wipe my hands on my dirty clothes. I notice that Effie's eyes are glistening. I cannot stand to what her cry right now. "I'm sorry Effie." I reach out a hand but she only stares at it. A tear rolls off her cheek. "I missed you Johanna. I really did." She tells me quietly. She sounds like a broken child. She twitches again and I move toward her. "You missed the drugs I would share with you Effie, you don't miss me." I know it is harsh, but she cannot keep using. The tears start to flow now. "No, I... I am not using anymore. I, I decided that I want you." She stumbles and sniffles through her tears. My heart tightens and a surge of pain shoots through me. I step forward and hold her tightly. She cries into my shoulder and twitches some more. I tell myself that I feel something for her, but I can hear the echo of Katniss's name in my head. I push it out and hold Effie tighter.
Once I get to my house, I make Effie some tea. She sits on the couch patting her eyes with a cloth. I feel sick to my stomach and I tell myself to ignore it. I bring Effie her tea and we sit besides each other for a while. Effie puts her hand on my leg and a mix of pleasure and guilt slide through me. She leans her head against my shoulder and closes her eyes. She strokes my leg softly and it reminds me of how Katniss would hold me after a nightmare. She would stroke my arms, hair and back softly until I was asleep again. Without thinking, I turn Effie's face up toward me and kiss her hard on the lips. I want to go throw up. I want to scream and through things and tell Effie that I am nothing but scum. Instead, I kiss her more.
Her lips are strangely soft like I remember. They are fuller than Katniss's were. The mention of her name in my thoughts causes me to lay Effie down on the couch. I stroke her arms and run my hand through her artificial hair. I remember how soft Katniss's hair was. How it smelt so beautiful and make me want her more. I anger myself with thoughts of her and rip Effie's shirt off. She smiles up at me. Her eyes dilate and I know she's overriding the need to get high with the pleasure of me. She must see the pain in my eyes. She grabs my hair and roughly pulls me down to kiss her again. My hand slides up her chest, groping, and rubbing her boob. I remember how perfect Katniss's chest felt in my hands and it make's Effie's feel all wrong. Another pang of guilt and I bite into Effie's neck.
She paws at my shirt until I finally lift up so she can pull it over my head. She smiles when my chest is free and leans up to kiss me. She moves down to my chest and roughly plays with my nipples. I remember how gentle Katniss would be, afraid to hurt me. I grit my teeth and roughly remove Effie's skirt. She returns the favor and soon, we are both naked. I take in her body and notice little scars here and there from numerous surgeries. I think about how smooth and unaltered Katniss is. I close my eyes tight and shake my head. My insides are withering away in pain and bite into Effie's thigh. She arches her back and lets out a laugh. She yanks on my hair and whispers down at me "Fuck me". I let my tongue fall from my mouth and tease her. She tastes the same way I remember. She tastes nothing like Katniss had used to. I cringe at the memory and shove a finger inside her. She starts to breathe out her mouth and rock her hips slightly.
I suck on her clit and finger her faster, letting her forget everything. I quickly throw a glance up at her and watch as she completely engulfing herself in pleasure. I think of the way Katniss would watch me, running her hand through my hair and moaning quietly. I feel tears start to well up and sit up. I flip Effie over and she raises her ass toward me. I slap it hard and dig in my nails. She giggles a bit and arches her back. Her ass is in perfect proportion with her chest, both altered to look bigger. I run my hand down Effie's back and feel the bones of her spine. I remember how smooth Katniss's back was and how the curves of her hips would drive me crazy. I swallow hard and shove two fingers inside of Effie. She lets out a throaty moan and rocks in time with my thrusts. Her pink curls bounce and it bugs me. I reach out and roughly yank on the wig. But it's secured to her head and barely budges. I enter a third finger and slam it in using my hips as leverage.
It does not take long for me to get Effie off and as soon as she screams, I pull my fingers away from her. I used to let Katniss ride it out and let her collapse the bed we shared. I smack Effie's ass again and she turns on me. She shoves me down on the couch and crawls on my like some sort of animal. She makes a trail with her tongue from my chest to my belly button. She rubs my middle roughly and smiles at me. I shut my eyes tight and try not to remember the way Katniss would softly kiss me on the side of the hip while she would stroke my middle. I reach for Effie's hair and yank her down. She purrs as she lets her tongue find my clit and I let out a rough whimper. She eats me out roughly for a while and I start to come.
As soon as I am done, I push her off me so I can sit up. Katniss would lay on me, and we would stay their together for hours after wards, covered in sweat. I smile at Effie and she puts her clothes on. I pick up my own dirty clothes and get dressed. I look over and Effie has already passed out on the couch. I head upstairs to my room. I feel the sweat on my body and I feel horribly dirty. I strip down and head for the shower. As I scrub my skin raw, I keep telling myself I could feel something for Effie if I tried. I tell myself that it is a good thing to move on. However, every time I picture my life with Effie, a picture of Katniss would accompany it. I hit the side of the shower wall and slide to the floor. If it were not for Katniss, I would not even be in here.
This time there is nothing to ease the pain. No Effie and no drugs. The tears start to fall and my self-loathing is in full gear. I want so bad to go to 12 and tell Katniss how much I love her. But I would hurt her so much. I want so bad to love Effie instead, but I know we are both lying about our feelings for each other. I cry into my arms and wish to god I could trade places with Finnick. I am such a fucking mess.