Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Shakespeare does. Although I believe they're public domain so you own them too!
Disclaimer part 2: This is a possible youtube video, so any reviews would be much appreciated! Also, scene directions are a bit vague…
Disclaimer part 3: I diverge from the original text a bit. Just a bit.
Summary: The classic love story in less than ten minutes
SCENE 1
ABRAM and ANOTHER SERVANT are at a stand.
ABRAM
So, un-named servant, what do you think of these tunics? Not for me of course, for Lady Montague, you know she's so peculiar about her tunics...
SERVANT
(bored)
They're lovely sir.
ABRAM
(Pause) Is that man biting his thumb at us?
SERVANT
(Relieved) Yes! Shall we fight?
ABRAM
No, it's not like their giving us the finger.
SERVANT
Abram, this is 16th century Italy. Biting your thumb is the same thing as giving the finger.
ABRAM
Oh.
(Beat)
Fight!
(Random men come out of nowhere and fight. The PRINCE walks in.)
PRINCE
Stop! No more fighting or you're all dead.
SERVANT
Why should we do as you say?
PRINCE
Because I am Prince! This is not a democracy. Those don't come back until the Glorious Revolution in England and even then it's just a constitutional monarchy. No fighting!
(They all leave, disgruntled, except for ROMEO, BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO.)
ROMEO
Oh, I am feeling emo today.
BENVOLIO
Why dear cousin?
ROMEO
I love Rosaline but she won't love me back. Oh woe, woe, woe is me!
MERCUTIO
Romeo, you need to get laid.
BENVOLIO
Hey! Capulet's holding a party tonight! Let's sneak in and sleep with a bunch of Capulet women knowing full well that if we get caught we shall be killed!
M/B
Yeah!
(Three masks get thrown at them.)
M/B
Let's go!
SCENE 2
NURSE ties a corset on JULIET.
JULIET
Nurse, why are you pulling my corset so tight.
NURSE
So that you might Marry Count Paris.
JULIET
And what purpose does pulling my corset do?
NURSE
To make your boobs look bigger.
JULIET
So that I may demean to an antiquated and sexist version of the ideal woman created by the narrow-minded males of my day?
NURSE
Yes
JULIET
Oh.
NURSE
We want to make sure Paris knows he's getting the chinks!
JULIET
NURSE
That was a dirty Elizabethan joke.
JULIET
But teenagers don't understand Elizabethan humor.
NURSE
Laugh or I'll pull this corset until you stop breathing (Juliet forces a laugh)
(People run in noisily.)
NURSE
Oh look, the party's started!
(ROMEO tries to cut his wrists.)
BENVOLIO
Romeo, are you still being emo?
ROMEO
Yes.
(sees Juliet)
Who is that?
BENVOLIO
I dunno.
ROMEO
She's beautiful.
BENVOLIO
Want to go talk to her.
ROMEO
Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
BENVOLIO
Yeah, she's pretty hot. Maybe you should go talk to her.
ROMEO
I seems she hands upon the cheek of night,
BENVOLIO
I hear a sonnet coming on.
ROMEO
like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear, Beauty too rich for use, for earth, too dear.
BENVOLIO
This is where I leave.
ROMEO
Ohhhh.
(Over at JULIET. ROMEO sneaks up behind her and pulls her back, covering her mouth.)
ROMEO
Don't scream dear lady.
JULIET
What the hell? Ooh, you're cute.
ROMEO
You are like a holy shrine. I would like to kiss you.
JULIET
Well, if we hold hands it's like hand-kissing.
ROMEO
But I'd much rather lip-kiss.
JULIET
Oh really now.
ROMEO
Yes.
(He kisses her.)
JULIET
(beat)
Let's do that again.
NURSE (O.S.)
Juliet!
JULIET
Goddammit.
(She runs away.)
ROMEO
I am in love!
JULIET
I am in love! But what's his name?
ROMEO
I wish I caught her name.
NURSE
(To Romeo, on one side of the party) Her name is Juliet. She's a Capulet. (To Juliet, on the other side) His name is Romeo. He's a Montague.
ROMEO
A Capulet?
JULIET
A Montague?
BOTH
Shit.
JULIET
Nurse, weren't you just over there assissting Romeo?
NURSE
(slowly)
Yes. No.
SCENE 3
Balcony.
JULIET
(overdone)
Roooooooomeo, Rooooooomeo wherefore arrrrrrrrrrrrrt thou Rooooooooooooomeo. Denyyyyyyyyyyyy they fatherrrrrrr and forbiiiiiiiiiiiiid thy naaaaaaaaaaaame and I shall nooooooooo longer beeeeeeee a Capulettttttttttt.
ROMEO
A bit overdone there.
JULIET
Well, it is the most famous line in the show. I mean, eek! A stranger in my garden!
ROMEO
Hello.
JULIET
Are your intentions honorable?
ROMEO
Yes.
JULIET
Then let's get married.
ROMEO
Okay!
SCENE 4
Same.
JULIET
Oh, I do love being married.
ROMEO
Uh, hey Jules. Erm, I kinda killed your favorite cousin.
JULIET
What?
ROMEO
There was this thing, and this clash of wits, and he killed my best friend who died with this big monologue filled with symbolism, and there was this... gosh, I'm really sorry.
JULIET
Only one thing will make me happy again.
(She looks menacing.)
ROMEO
Oh dear.
(She pounces on them.)
JULIET
Do me baby.
SCENE 6
JULIET
Sigh. Romeo had to leave so he wouldn't die. How depressing.
(Nurse walks in.)
NURSE
Juliet, guess what! You're getting married! To Paris!
JULIET
What? No! I'm already married! To Romeo!
NURSE
Well your father said you will marry Paris or be disowned. I'd choose the former.
(She leaves.)
VOICE
Here Juliet. Drink this and you will look dead. Romeo will know to come for you.
JULIET
Alright!
(Takes drink)
Mmm tastes like--
(She falls asleep. Romeo runs in.)
ROMEO
No! My beloved wife of twenty-four hours! She's dead! I shall drink this conveniently placed poison and die.
(He drinks it. Juliet awakens)
JULIET
Oooh, I am awake. And look, here's Romeo!
ROMEO
Wait, you're not... you're not... I didn't have to... oh shit.
(He dies.)
JULIET
No! My beloved husband of twenty-four hours is dead! And he drank all the poison! Selfish, like such a man. Ha! Maybe if I kiss him I can drink some of the poison from his spit!
(Kisses him)
Dammit. Ooh, thy lips are warm... No, we've already had several murders, a suicide and teenage sex in this thing, I don't think I should add necrophilia-- Ooh, his dagger! Oh, happy dagger, this is thy sheath! There rust and let me die!
Please review!
:)Katie