Have you read so many abridged series that you're bored and are wondering when someone will write a parody of your favorite show? Well, I have. I decided to take out the plot, replace it with jokes, tom-foolery and over-exaggerate the personalities of our favorite characters. As for whether or not I will be going ahead and doing every episode, the chances of that are highly unlikely. I am only writing this because I was bored and wanted to make myself and a few others laugh. So without further ado, enjoy...
Paro-Glee!
(This is a Pilot?)
It was the first day of school and Rachel Berry was primping up in a sailor costume with tall stockings once again. Sure, the whole school hated her, but she thought she was awesome. Becoming super-special-popular was her goal this year, so Jacob was more than happy to interview her for his blog. But the only place they could interview was inside a stall in the girl's bathroom. As to how he got in there…no one really knows.
For some strange reason, Brittany Pierce (aka Brittany ) somehow mistook him for a toilet but wouldn't use him because someone forgot to flush.
"So Rachel, after this interview can I get into your panties?"
"Ew, that's nasty! Seriously?"
"Uh…sorry. So uh, Rachel, who is your idol?"
"Barbara Streisand, Liza Minnelli and Courtney Love!"
"Courtney Love?"
"Yes. She is truly an inspiration to us all. I know she's going through some hard times right now, but eventually she'll get back on her feet and start making music again…right?"
"Uh, right. Uh, thanks Rachel. I would stay longer but Coach Sylvester is going to disembowel me if I don't get to her class."
"Class? When does Coach Sylvester teach any classes?""I'm taking World Domination 101 with her first period."
"Really? I can't imagine Coach Sylvester teaching anything besides cheerleading."
Somewhere down the hall Sue Sylvester was greeting her students and telling them to sit down and shut the hell up.
"Class, today we will learn the art of intimidation. It's real easy to do. Trust me. I do it to the other teachers all the time. I simply walk through the room threatening to blackmail or disembowel them and they run away faster than Coach Tanaka when that weird ginger walks past him. Now, turn your books to page 35 and you'll learn all my tricks."
"Right…um…I have to go." Rachel sprinted out of the girls bathroom quickly rounded the corner only to bump into Finn Hudson, the quarterback on the football team.
"Oh my gosh! I am so sorry I didn't see you there."
Finn meanwhile was falling forward clutching his crotch. As to why Rachel Berry turned him on was something he didn't quite understand. She was very annoying, she pranced around the school in random outfits from the YMCA song and, and…
'She has breasts!'
"Uh…are you okay? I'm pretty sure I didn't hit you between the legs.""Uh…no…I'm fine!" He was not fine. Finn had this little problem of being "premature" and it was usually set off at the most random times, but mostly around girls. And staring at Rachel Berry's cleavage was not exactly helping him very much.
"Finn! What the hell are you doing?" Head Cheerleader Quinn Fabray was marching down the hall with her Cheerios in tow, appearing annoyed that her boyfriend was talking to that freak, Rachel Berry. She didn't realize it, but her pregnancy so far was screwing around with her hormones, making her turn into an over-emotional, over-controlling psychopath.
"I'm sorry Quinnie, I'm fine I swear!"
"Don't you dare talk to my boyfriend again! He has a serious problem and thanks to you he's shot another blank!"
"What? I don't understand."
"I don't either," said Brittany Pierce, Quinn's little sidekick. "Just like I can't understand why the square root of four isn't rainbows."
Santana Lopez sighed either from annoyance or sexual yearning from Puckerman. Or Brittany. Or anything that had a pulse for that matter.
"Ugh! Just go away!" Rachel walked away from Quinn, but unfortunately got slushied by the football team on her way to class.
"Loser!"
"You can't do that to me! I'm the main character!"
Finn sat up and sighed.
"We're going to have to talk to the author about main characters…I don't think she gets it."
"Totally," Santana said nodding her head. "It's not part of the plot."
Brittany did a double take at Finn, Santana and Quinn.
"There's a plot?"
"Sandy has quit running the Glee club?" Will Shuester asked Figgins for the fiftieth time today.
"Yes! Is that bad or good?"
"That's amazing! Now I can take it over and run it for myself and gain back the glory I once had in my high school days!"
"That's nice. Anyway Sandy got fired for inappropriately touching young boys. So, I hope you will not disappoint me by doing the same."
"Uh…I'm married."
Figgins wasn't quite getting it.
"To a woman.""Oh. Yes! That's right. Well then, here's the key to your Glee room. Have fun as I toss you to the sharks that are your teenagers as I sit by and do absolutely nothing to help you!"
He pushed Will out of the room and like a madman, Will started dancing around the halls doing some type of jig that would make the "Dancing with the Stars" judges vomit.
As he walked by the guidance counselor's office, Emma Pillsbury was on a cleaning streak for the thirtieth time today.
"No! The germs must be gone! I hate-oh! Hello Will. Pleasant to see you."
"Hi Emma. I have good news!"
"Are the germs gone? Is all the bacteria in the world entirely wiped from the face of the earth?"
"Nope! But I am directing the Glee Club now!"
"Oh! That sounds almost exciting as my obsessive compulsive disorder! Well, I would love you to stay but you're getting grains of sand in my office! Bye Will!"
She pushed him out the door and went back to her usual cleaning routine.
After teaching several periods of Spanish, Will posted the signs for Glee auditions and waited in the auditorium for his new members.
Unbeknownst to him, Sue Sylvester took down half of his signs and only five kids showed up to the auditions. So he let all the kids into the club because there was no way in hell anyone else would want to join.
And so all five kids got in.
"Really? All of us are in? Did anyone else inferior audition?" Kurt Hummel asked on the first day of Glee club.
"No…just you."
"So…there wasn't anyone else in the school who wanted to be in Glee club?" Tina Cohen-Chang asked.
"Nope. Just you."
"Wow…we are really lame," Artie Abrams said while popping a wheelie in his wheelchair. "Well…except for me of course. I am the only one in this Glee club who is going to get laid."
"Artie! You know that spoilers are forbidden!" Rachel said.
"Hey, I'm just saying…well, I…the author told me to do it!"
"What the hell kind of author is writing this story anyway? Some 40-year old who lives with his mom?" Mercedes Jones asked.
"Uh…no. It was more like some 20-something woman who still lives with her mom," Tina said. "Well, that's what I found on Wikipedia…"
"Okay guys, let's focus here. We need to find a way to get more members," Mr. Shuester said interrupting the teenagers.
And so the Glee Club (or New Directions as Mr. Shuester called it) set out to find more members. However it would not be easy since the Cheerios and the other Jocks run this place only second to the super secret AV club. (How do you think Artie gets so many girls?)
Lauren Zizes of the wrestling team ran the AV club and by day had them acting like spineless nerds, but by night like pimps. At football games they dressed as hot college guys from out of town and girls paid them by the hour…to…you know. But there was no way in hell she would join Glee unless more hot guys joined.
"And I also want all the Twilight books, the special anniversary set, the guide to the characters, and Cadbury eggs…if you can find them. Oh yeah, and I might just join if you can get that hunk of man meat, Noah Puckerman on board."
"Right…" Artie said. "But am I still getting my bonus?"
"Hell no! You're part of the loser Glee squad. No way in hell am I giving you more money." Lauren walked off and Artie sighed.
'So much for trying to get other nerds to join.'
The others didn't have much luck either. All they got were slushies to the face, compliments of the football team. Well, mainly Dave Karofsky who had a serious grudge against poor Kurt who was doing nothing except whistling show tunes in the lunch line while Mercedes piled the tots onto her plate.
"I love my tots!" she said.
Just then Sue Sylvester walked into the cafeteria and made a devastating announcement.
"Everyone, listen up! You kids are eating too much junk and getting fat, so I'm getting rid of the tots and slushy machines. Instead all you'll have are protein shakes!"
All the kids started crying and freaking out. No one noticed that Karofsky was hiding behind the slushy machine stroking it and calling it his "baby."
"Don't worry baby…I won't let her take you away from me. You hear me? You and I will be together forever!"
It was clear that the Glee club wouldn't be able to find anyone, so they decided to take the day off and eat at Breadsticks while discussing their lame and pathetic lives…and listening to Rachel's impromptu show-tune performances that eventually got them kicked out.
The one day when Mr. Shuester was spying on teenage boys in the locker room, he heard the sound of a beautiful voice.
He turned the corner to see Finn Hudson with his back to him, singing Bon Jovi while taking a shower.
"It's my life, it's now or never. I 'aint gonna live for ever. I just wanna live my-"
"You sound great Finn."
Finn rapidly turned around and freaked out.
"Holy hell! How in the world did you get in here Mr. Shue? And why are you watching me take a shower?"
Mr. Shuester was rather embarrassed.
"I am so sorry Finn, it's just that, I'm looking for guys to join the Glee club, and since you can sing, I figured you would be perfect!"
"Hell no! I don't want to get slushied!"
Mr. Shuester thought long and hard about how to get Finn to join, then he came up with a brilliant idea.
"Finn, if you don't join Glee Club then I'll get that weird Jacob kid to post a story on his blog about your tiny-"
"Okay! I'll join! Just please, don't tell anyone about my small penis!"
"I was going to say hands, but I guess that works too."
I could go into detail about the first rehearsal with the six of them, but we all know that the assembly where they did that very suggestive version of "Push It" ended up with the teachers shocked and Finn jizzing in his pants. He was laughed at by the football team (and slushied) until he threatened Puck that he would tell Jacob about how Puck was a man-whore selling his body for pot from Sandy, and how Matt and Mike would remain minor characters for the rest of the series unless they joined New Directions.
Now, all that Mr. Shuester needed was a few more kids and he would have 12 for sectionals!
That part was easy, Sue decided that in order to get her budget money back, she asked (no, forced) her three Cheerios to spy on the Glee club so she could bring them down from the inside, shave off Mr. Shuester's Chia-pet hairdo and slap a diaper onto that butt-chin of his.
And even though Matt and Mike joined Glee club, they remained minor characters for the rest of the series. Until Mike met Tina at Asian camp. Seriously? Who goes to Asian camp?
Somehow Sam Evans and Lauren Zizes randomly appeared and instead of 12 had fourteen until they decided that Matt was boring and insignificant to the plot.
"Okay guys, welcome to New Directions! I promise to listen to all your ideas while I have you practice a song that's 30 years old where Finn and Rachel take the lead and Mercedes belts out the last note at the end."
"That's nice Mr. Shue," Kurt said. "No one really cares."
"Mr. Shue, can I sing a song?" Brittany asked?"
"Can I have seven minutes in heaven with Puck?"
"I'd like to get out of here please," Puckerman said plotting about stealing an ATM.
"Can we do a duet?" Artie and Tina asked.
"No, no, no and no! Guys, you need to really work like a team?"
"How about Finn and Rachel just sing something?" Santana said. "Because I sure as hell don't want to."
Mr. Shue sighed.
"Mr. Shue, if I may, I think we should let Finn sing."
"Me? Sing?" he asked. He could feel a premature jizz already coming. But everyone wanted him to…so he did. "Anyone want to back me up?"
"I guess I will," Sam said sighing knowing that his popularity was doomed forever now. Finn started to sing:
Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make your way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I'm on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
The whole night what we've got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more And I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
This really never happens you can take my word
I wont apologize, that's just absurd
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
And now I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Don't tell your friends or I'll say your a slut
Plus its your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I'm very sensitive, some would say that's a plus
Now I'll go home and change
Sam sighed and sang the next verse:
I need a few things from the grocery
Do things alone now mostly
Left me heart broken not lookin' for love
Surprised in my eyes when I looked above
The check out counter and I saw a face
My heart stood still so did time and space
Never felt that I could feel real again
But the look in her eyes said I need a friend
She turned to me that's when she said it
Looked me dead in the face, asked Cash or Credit? And I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Its perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
But were going to need a clean up on aisle 3
And now I'm posed in an awkward stance because I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
To be fair you were flirting a lot
Plus the way you bag cans got me bothered and hot
Please stop acting like you're not impressed
One more thing, I'm gonna pay by check
"Come on Artie! Join in!" Finn shouted. Artie sighed and sang:
Last week - I saw a film
As I recall it was a horror film
Walked outside into the rain
Checked my phone and saw you rang and I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
"Puck! Go!" Puckerman stopped singing backup and took a turn:
Speeding down the street when the red lights flash
Need to get away need to make a dash
A song comes on that reminds me of you and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Finn: The next day my alarm goes off and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Sam: Open my window and a breeze rolls in and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Artie: When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of sixth sense I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Puck: I just ate a grape and I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Finn: I went-JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Artie: Ok seriously you guys can we, ok?
Suddenly the whole club was a-buzz with: I JIZZ RIGHT IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME YOU'RE NEXT TO ME
AND WHEN WERE HOLDING HANDS ITS LIKE HAVING SEX WITH ME
YOU SAY IM PREMATURE I JUST CALL IT ECSTASY
I WEAR A RUBBER AT ALL TIMES ITS A NECESSITY
Cuz IJIZZ IN MY PANTS(I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants)yes
I JIZZ IN MY PANTS(I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants)
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
"Um…thank you Finn and Sam…for that song…"
"Yeah, that definitely describes Finn perfectly," Quinn said sarcastically. Everyone laughed at Finn, who was now kind of embarrassed realizing that he just told everyone about his "problem."
Mr. Shuester sighed.
'This is going to be long, long school year.'