"You're sleeping with Gaara." Sasuke says.
"You're supposed to be dead." Naruto replies, clutching the sheets to his chest.
"You are sleeping with Gaara."
"And you are supposed to be dead!"
Gaara flops a hand across Naruto's lap in his sleep and wails something that sounds like 'decafilation'. Naruto frantically smoothes his bedmate's hair down, shushing him back to a fretful sort of somnolence.
"Keep it fucking down." He whispers. "This isn't exactly risk-free."
"You are fucking sleeping with fucking Gaara." Sasuke hisses urgently. "Why did I miss this memo?"
"Because, let me see, you were dead.Why aren't you dead"
"You sound disappointed." If Naruto didn't know better, he would swear his former teammate was sulking.
"By all that is holy, Sasuke, it has been five years, I personally held the pole with your severed head on it, the combined forces of Sand, Leaf, and Cloud all declared a national holiday to commemorate your death, and now you're squatting on my TV and criticizing my love life. Disappointed? I'm FUCKING HAVING A PANIC ATTACK HERE."
Gaara half-wakes again and promises a lingering and agonizing death upon all the tea-sets in the land. Naruto huffs in exasperation and continues smoothing his hair.
"If you didn't want me here you could have said." Sasuke mutters, hunching a little farther into his traditional yukata. The small pout that settles across his face only highlighted his supernaturally good looks, the wild, windblown strands of hair that clung to his lips, his eyelashes. "Didn't we have…"
"Good times?" Naruto cuts him off. "I would say that I'm just a little over you, Sasuke."
"You're over this?" Sasuke gestures towards himself, at the thin line of stomach showing through his loose robes, "You're over the way I made you feel? The way I made you beg?" He slips off Naruto's TV smoothly, gracefully, and makes his way slowly towards the bed.
Who's occupant narrows his eyes and tightens his grip on his lover. "You're not Sasuke."
The dark-haired man pauses. "Like hell-"
"Sasuke didn't walk like a duck."
"A duck? A duck!?" Sasuke shrieks. In one motion he tears his yukata from his shoulders and throws it to the ground. "I'll show you a duck."
"Um."
Sasuke is tall and wild and very angry in the moonlight, and also very not wearing anything at all underneath the robe. In one stride he has ripped the sheets from Naruto's grasp and pinned the shorter man beneath him.
"Sasuke, what the hell." Naruto says. It is not very eloquent, but it's the best he can come up with in between his heart attack and Sasuke kissing him, or possibly chewing him to death really slowly.
"Ducks," Sasuke hisses vengefully.
"He's a tengu."
Naruto realizes, belatedly, that Gaara has been awake for some time now. "A tengu," the young Kazekage helpfully supplies, "thought to be either a sort of patron spirit of warfare, or the ghost of an excessively prideful man."
"In this case," Sasuke says, primly settling his black-feathered wings, "Both."
Naruto glares balefully at them both. "Gaara."
"Yes, Naruto-kun?"
"What. Just what."
"We get them all the time, in Suna. Thought they're usually a good deal less…" His pale eyes flick to Sasuke's bared waist, below, "…agreeable."
"Good lord, Gaara, I did NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT, THIS IS UCHIHA FUCKING SASUKE AND HE IS BACK FROM THE DEAD AND AFTER MY BRAIN mmph-"
Sasuke flicks his dark eyes over to Gaara's pale ones, raises an eyebrow.
"He gets shouty sometimes." Gaara says.
"Mnnngh." Naruto puts in. "I do not get shouty, Sasuke, what are you doing with your HOLY aggh aggh aggh-"
"Especially times like these."
"You are a fount of information, lord Kazekage." Sasuke puts in. Naruto whimpers.
"Yes, well." Garra smiles. It's disturbing in an adorable sort of way, and Sasuke admits that he can sort of see what Naruto sees in the man. He reaches out with his spare hand and pulls the Kazekage closer.
"Room for three in this bed?" He whispers, brushing lips.
"NO." Naruto interjects. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, NOT FU-nngh, ow, ow-."
"Yes," Gaara says blandly, releasing Naruto. Then he smiles again.
Naruto whimpers as they kiss, messily and sinfully, Sasuke's long taloned fingers in Gaara's blood-red hair, Gaara gathering Sasuke to him, all pale skin and dark hair and dark, dark black feathers. They are beautiful like lighting is beautiful, like avalanches and sandstorms and the lonely singing darkness of places no one return from alive.
"I'm going to die." Naruto moans.
"It hasn't stopped either of us."
"What about Sakura?"
They all pause. A deep, lingering sense of horror pervades the room.
"Kappa." Sasuke says.
"I don't think Sakura's a-" Naruto tries.
"We could drown her-" Gaara suggests.
"We could buy a bigger bed," Sasuke says, with finality.
"Mmm." Gaara nods, and rubs his hand thoughtfully over Sasuke's ass.
Sasuke looks pleased with himself. His wings fan out as he wriggles in Gaara's grasp, brushing across Naruto's bare chest.
"What the hell," Naruto sighs. "You only live once."