Dumb, Stupid, Pathetic, ect.

Why, hello there, Ouran High School Host Club fans!

I'm Naty17. I normally write stories for Harvest Moon, and this is the first (and hopefully not the last) Ouran story I've ever written!

Anyway, this will probably be almost exactly the same as the episodes to start with, since I'm a new Otaku, and haven't seen many episodes of the anime yet.

I'd also like to thank Netflix, cause if they didn't have Ouran on there, I would have never discovered its awesomeness.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran, or any of its characters. If I did, do you honestly think I'd be writing stories about it? Hell no! I'd make it into an Ouran movie, or something!

Chapter 1 – Prologue

A little disappointed, I shut the door to Library Room #4. How can there be 4 (1) libraries in this school, and not one of them is peaceful and/or quiet?

Walking down the hall, I wondered what happened to my life.

Things were perfect where I lived before in America. But of course, my father had to ruin it all. Of course he'd get a promotion in Japan. Of course he'd think it were a good idea for me to move back to my birth town. Of course he'd ruin my life.

Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I lost my contacts last week. So now I had to wear dorky glasses.

Plus, since I was so "advanced in educational matters", dad thought it would be a good idea for me to enroll in a school for the rich. Which means there was no way in hell I'd be able to afford the uniform.

Whatever. It's not like it really mattered. Besides, real friends shouldn't care about my looks, or my wealth. Real friends should like me for who I am! Or at least, that's what mom would say.

Mom… has it really been 10 years? I wonder if she really did go to heaven, or if she really is watching over me. I wonder, would she stop watching after 10 years?

With a sigh, I realized it was useless pondering about these things. My mother was a good person. If she could, she'd never stop watching over me.

I suddenly stopped as I reached another door.

Music Room #3.

Hmm… There shouldn't be any music classes now. I suppose I should be able to read here in silence.

I opened the big door, and peeked in. I was surprised to find a small group of men huddled around in the other side.

They all looked up to see who the visitor was.

"I'm sorry, the host club isn't open for business yet." A tall blond guy said, brushing his long bangs out of his face.

That's when what he said actually sunk in. My God! A host club? I gasped, as I accidentally pushed the door wide open in my surprise.

I saw the men widen their eyes curiously at me, and suddenly became a little self-conscious.

"I-I-I'm sorry!" I stuttered. "I didn't think anyone was in here! I was just looking for a place to… place to…" I trailed off, as the blond man stood up from his seat, and walked over to me.

"It seems we have a new customer." He spoke to the other men, never taking his dark blue eyes off of me.

"N-No, that's not what I meant! I-I-"

"Oh wow, it's a boy!" two identical twins said, at the exact same time.

"Hmm… This young man is in the same class as you, isn't he?" Another man with sleek black hair and glasses said, as he stood beside the blonde.

"Yeah, but he's shy. He doesn't act very socially, so we don't know much about him." The twins answered with a shrug,

In my defense, these rich people are crazy. And… young man?

The man with the glasses glanced at my bewildered expression. Suddenly, there was a look of surprise on his face, as though he had just realized something, but it dissolved into a sly smirk.

"Hm…" he murmured, almost as if he were laughing at me. "Well, that wasn't very polite."

The twins looked at each other, as if telepathically saying, "What the hell just happened?"

The man with the glasses chuckled, and said, "Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, 'Mister' Honor Student." He said, accenting a bit on the word mister.

"What?" the blond man said, examining me closer. "You must be Haruhi Fujioka! You're the exceptional honors student we've heard about!"

I tensed a little, trying to discreetly reach behind me for the door. "H-How did you know my name…?"

"Why, you're interesting!" the man with the glasses replied. "It's not every day that a commoner gains entrance to our academy!"

"You must have an audacious nerve to work hard enough to fight your way into this school, 'mister' Fujioka!"

Audacious…? Commoner…?

"Well, uh… Thank you, I guess…" These dudes are really starting to creep me out…

"You're welcome!" the blonde replied, patting me on the back. "You're a hero to other poor people, Fujioka!"

Poor…?

"You've shown the world that even a poor person can excel at an elite private academy!"

I don't like this rich kid…

I awkwardly stepped away from him, and walked more into the center of the room, but the $#% blonde followed me.

"It must be hard to be constantly looked down upon by others…"

I cleared my throat. "I… I think you're taking this poor thing too far…" I said, now walking away in the opposite direction.

But that stupid blonde ignored me. He practically glided over to me, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Spared, neglected! But that doesn't matter now. Long live the poor! We welcome you to our world… of beauty!"

I don't know what world this dude lives in, but it is definitely NOT real!

I spun on my heel, and headed for the door. "I'm outta here…"

"HEY, COME BACK HERE, HARU-CHAN!" another 'host' called out, grabbing my arm. I don't understand what he's doing here- he's only a little boy!

He had blond hair parted in the middle, and cute puppy-dog eyes, but he was only up to my waist in height!

"You must be like a super hero or something, that's so cool!"

I slowly turned my head to the boy. These guys were starting to get me angry…

"I'm not a hero, I'm an honor student. AND QUIT CALLING ME HARU-CHAN!" I yelled.

I think I scarred the kid for life; he ran up to another guy, who hadn't said a word since I got here, and hugged his leg. He had spiky hair, and a mysterious aura about him. The kid was only up to that guy's knee, he was so short!

"I never would've imagined the famous scholar…" the blonde started, "… could be so openly gay…"

I slowly turned to face him. "Openly… what?" I felt like I was going to be sick… This dude… he thinks I'm… gay? I'M NOT EVEN A FREAKING DUDE!

The blonde snapped his fingers. "So, tell me what type of guys you're into!"

Suddenly, he was right beside me, his arm over my shoulders (again…). "Do you like…" he pointed at the really tall dude, "the strong and silent type?"

The man looked up from the crying child in his arms for a second, then continued consoling the kid with a plush bunny.

"The boy-Lolita?" he continued, pointing at the innocent child as he rubbed tears out of his eyes.

"How 'bout the mischievous type?" he pointed to the two peach-haired twins, who were arguing about which one is most special, and who should sit in the chair. But it wasn't an actual argument, more like flattery being tossed between the two.

"Or the cool type?" the blonde pointed to the man with the jet black hair. He managed to look up from his clipboard for a second, pushed up his glasses, and went back to business.

Cool? More like nerdy.

"Aah…! I, uh… I… It's not like that!" I shrieked. "I was just looking for a quiet place to study!"

"Or maybe…" the blonde continued, completely ignoring me. "You're into a guy like me." He cupped my chin in his hand, forcing me to look him in the eye. "What do you say?" he asked, stroking my cheek.

"Ugh…!" I shrieked in discomfort. I quickly backed away from him, but clumsy as I am, I tripped into a pedestal that held a big china vase.

What happened next felt like it was going in slow motion (2). I gasped, as I watched the pedestal tip over, and the vase start to fall. Acting as quickly as I could, I reached for the handle, but-

CRASH!

I stared at the china shards that now littered the floor.

Broken. Just like that. And on my first week, too.

The hosts just all crossed their arms and stared at the mess, until the twins finally spoke up. "We were going to sell that vase in an upcoming school auction!" The first one said.

"Aw, now you've done it, commoner!" the second one continued. "The bidding on that vase was supposed to start at 8 million yen (3)!"

"What, 8 million yen?" I shrieked. I started muttering unintelligible things about how many thousands were in a million over and over again, until I finally found the courage to stand up straight.

"Uh… I'm gonna have to… pay you back…" I suggested.

"With what money?" the twins asked sarcastically. "You can't even afford the school uniform!"

I was about to object, but lowered my head, and sighed, realizing they had a point.

"Well, what do you think we should do, Tamaki?" the man with the glasses asked.

The blonde – Tamaki – sat down in his 'special' chair. Crossing his legs, he spoke. "There's a famous saying you may have heard, Fujioka." He pointed to nothing in particular, and said, "When in Rome, you should do what the Romans do."

… What? What's that have to do with anything?

"Since you have no money, you can pay with your body." A dramatic pause. "Which means starting today… you are the host club's dog."

Oh no… I don't know if I can handle this mom… Guess I'll be visiting you sooner then I expected…

Suddenly, everything just blacked out.

A bit later, I found myself on a sofa (where it came from, I don't know), with an ice pack on my fore-head. Oh, I get it! I must've tripped and fallen on my head somehow! Silly me, I'm so clumsy…!

So this was all just a dream, huh?

There's no host club here! What was I thinking! And… gay? What the hell!

I started laughing at how pathetic I was, when suddenly I heard a familiar voice.

"Do you think he's on crack?" I slowly turned to see the peach haired twins staring at me as if I were a freak. Pfft, I'm not a freak! They're the people that jumped out of my dream!

"Oh, good, you're awake." No, not the 'cool' guy too! "I was debating on calling medical services." He said with a small smile.

"Oh no… No… This can't be real… No…!" I started pinching myself furiously all over, trying to wake myself up. I hate dream land; it's impossible to get out.

Someone caught my hand before I could continue pinching myself. "Oh Haruhi, don't be too happy I'm not only in your dreams..." that annoying blonde –Tamaki- drawled in a dreamy voice.

"Right now, I wish you were only in my dreams…" I muttered. Tamaki froze, and started sulking in a corner. "He sure has a precious ego…"

"Sorry about him." 'Cool' type guy said with a shrug. "He can be very… sensitive at times." He held out his hand. "My name is Kyoya Ootori. Pleased to meet you!"

So… I came here unannounced and unwanted, and even ended up breaking a vase worth 8 million yen (*twitch twitch*), and yet, he's still pleased to have met me? Yeah, sure. As if.

I stared at his hand for a while, but shook it anyway. "Pleasure's mine." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Then Kyoya got back to business. "I suppose you should learn the other hosts names, since you'll probably be here for a long time. The tall, quiet one over there is Takashi Morinozuka, Mori for short." He said, never looking up from his notebook.

"The innocent child-like boy he's carrying is Mitsukuni Haninozuka. AKA, Honey." I stared curiously at the boy hanging onto Takashi's back. Takashi-sempai didn't seem to mind at all.

"The identical twins are Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin. You'll notice that Kaoru parts his hair parted to left, and Hikaru, to the right."

"Which one's oldest?" I asked.

"Hikaru is, but not by much. You must remember they are twins, therefore technically born at the same time."

Yeah, I know. I'm not that stupid.

"And then last, but not least, there's the boss of this club, Tamaki Suou." Kyoya stated. "His family runs this school, and his request rate is 70%."

And suddenly, Tamaki randomly appeared beside me. "That's only because I'm the best looking, and have the brightest personality!" he said, dancing around the room.

Damn these rich people.

"Now go do our groceries, doggie!" he said, shoving a list into my hands, and pushing me out the door.

"W-Wait! Don't I get a say on this?"

Too late; that idiot had already shut the door behind me. I sighed. With an 8 million yen debt over my head, I might as well.

And that's how I ended up in aisle 4 of the grocery store searching for everything on the list. I have to admit, it was kinda fun looking for the things on the list- kind of like a scavenger hunt!

"Okay, so that's the… diet sunscreen lotion?" I said quietly to myself. "What a strange item… At least there's only one more thing on my list… coffee beans. Sounds simple enough."

I made my way to aisle 6, where all the grains were, including coffee.

"Now where's my favorite coffee… Ah-ha!" I shouted, as I picked up a small plastic jar. "Hescafe Official Blend Instant coffee (4)!"

Having completed my long list of things, I made my way to the check-out lane.

The man at the check-out lane eyed me suspiciously. "I don't mean to pry… but aren't you supposed to be at school, young sir?" he asked.

He had shoulder-length orange colored hair, and dark eyes. Around his head, he wore a white and red visor, and a red apron, the essential uniform.

"Oh, uh, yes. I'm just getting groceries for the school's… host… club…" I drifted off. Would he find that weird that I was in a Host Club?

There was a look of surprise, then he suddenly burst out laughing. "Oh my! I didn't know they still had those!"

Definitely not the reaction I expected…

"Oh, kid! Haha!" he said, still laughing. "What school do you go to, kid?"

I smiled, finding him quite amusing. "Ouran Academy."

The man – Rick, according to his name tag – gaped at me. "What? What on Earth is a rich kid like you doing in a grocery store? Shouldn't you be asking a butler to get it for you, or something?"

I chuckled. "Don't you think that's a little stereotypical? But actually, I'm not a richie. I'm an honor student!"

Rick huffed. "Yeah right, kiddo. You almost got me there!"

"No, seriously! The richies forced me to buy them groceries!" I insisted.

Rick laughed even more. "Seriously! Oh wow! Those rich folks are getting worse every year! What do they think you are, their own little dog?" he said, with another laugh.

"Actually… they do."

Right then, Rick just lost it. He was laughing so hard, he had tears in his eyes.

Suddenly, a man in a black suit came out of an office, and looked around to see what was causing the commotion. "Rick, get back to work!" he yelled, and returned in his office.

"Haha, sorry, sir!" he sniffed. "That's just hilarious! Those darn rich people…" he said, as he started scanning the items I had, cringing at some of the weirder ones. "How can you have diet sunscreen?"

"I don't have a clue!" I admitted with a shrug.

He smiled, and shook his head, reaching for the last item in my shopping cart. He pulled out the instant coffee, and looked from the plastic container in his hands to me, with a look of disbelief.

"Those rich kids'll never approve of this… Well then, good luck, Mr.…."

"Haruhi. My name's Haruhi." I said with a small nod.

"Well, then, goodbye Haruhi! I hope we meet again!" he said with a wave, as I piled my items in a paper bag (5).

"Trust me, we probably will! There's no way I'm changing to the rich kids supermarket anytime soon…" At least, not with an 8 million yen debt…

"Haha, alright, take care!" he said with a smile.

Sorry if the ending is a little crappy… The chapter was getting too long for my liking (around 6000 words), so I decided to split it in two.

Anyway, you'll notice that a lot of the lines are taken from the real episode, apart from the scene at the grocery's. Please note that I only did this too make things more realistic, and to better learn the characters; you wouldn't want any OCCness happening, would you?

This will only last for the first 2 or 3 episodes, when things are all sorted out. Then the rest will be based on imagination and creativity!

I'd really appreciate reviews, please! Love ya all!

(1) I'm sorry; I don't know the exact amount of libraries in Ouran Academy…

(2) Which, in the show, it actually is.

(3) In case you don't know, yen is the Japanese money, I believe.

(4) That's seriously what it said on the jar! No lie!

(5) Haha, I even checked to see if the bag was paper or plastic!