Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 13
Airdate: February 1, 2015
Title: Sparky Inflates the Grade (mid-season premiere)
Segway Segment: Thank You, Heavenly Shorts ("The Report from Hell")
Special Guest Stars: William Daniels as Mr. George Robertson, Al Michaels as Himself, Cris Collinsworth as Himself, Michele Tafoya as Herself
Satire/Social Commentary: Pressures top students face to maintain high grades in school, how universally stressful school can be for everyone that some students act in desperation
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
(It's seventh period at the school, and Mr. Robertson's math class is almost over. Sparky, RK, Wade, Jaylynn, Halley, and Ashley all share the same class.)
MR. ROBERTSON: So, when Josaiah is given twelve hen eggs in exchange for twelve bottles of milk to the farmer, it is indeed a fair trade.
(The bell rings at that very moment.)
MR. ROBERTSON: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that the big final exam is next Wednesday. It will determine your final grade for the marking quarter and the semester. I urge everyone to study over the next couple of days. See you kids tomorrow.
SPARKY: Man, I'm not ready for this test at all.
WADE: Don't worry, you'll knock it out of the park. We can study together.
SPARKY: Alright! Now I know I'm in good hands.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Jennings, could I have a word with you at my desk?
(turns towards the camera in disappointment) RK: (Bleep).
(RK goes up to Mr. Robertson's desk, which Jaylynn notices)
JAYLYNN: Is this about the fake dead rat you put in his drawer?
RK: Shut up, that was a secret!
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Jennings, you do realize what this is about, correct?
RK: Well, Mr. Robertson, I don't want to point fingers for this, but between you and me, Jaylynn has been eyeing that drawer for months.
MR. ROBERTSON: What are you talking about?
RK: What are YOU talking about?
MR. ROBERTSON: I wanted to talk about your grades. They're certainly not at the standard I expect for all of my students.
RK: Well, you might as well round up all of your students and tell them to get on my standard. (RK cackles, but Mr. Robertson is far from amused) So how about them Padres, huh?
MR. ROBERTSON: Look, Mr. Jennings, I know some children are just incapable of learning certain material, but I do not believe that is your issue. I see a simple lack of effort on your part, nothing more. And I believe that if you apply yourself before the final exam, you can do well and pass my class for the semester.
RK: Mr. Robertson, I know you want to help me, but school has always been the enemy. I haven't gotten along with it since kindergarten. Ever since then, it's gone downhill.
MR. ROBERTSON: I highly doubt that, Mr. Jennings.
RK: Believe me, the educational system has been nothing but trauma for me.
CUTAWAY GAG
SECOND GRADE
(Sparky, Buster, RK, and Ashley all have the same second grade class. This was before third grade when students were assigned teachers for every subject. RK is finished coloring in his book.)
BUSTER: What did you bring for snacktime?
RK: A PB&J with no crust, a Snickers bar and an orange tangerine Juicy Juice. Man, I can't wait to...
(RK sees a fat Asian kid take his juice and start drinking it. He becomes livid and runs towards the kid.)
RK: YOU SON OF A BITCHHHHHHHHH!
(RK starts choking the kid at that very moment while the other kids yell "Fight! Fight! Fight!")
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: I got suspended for two days, but that bastard asked for it.
MR. ROBERTSON: Language, Mr. Jennings.
RK: Sorry.
MR. ROBERTSON: Look, I'm holding study sessions at lunch period every day until the test. If you choose to come to them, I believe you're going to pass the test with flying colors. Think about it, Mr. Jennings.
(RK actually does look convinced)
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: Wade, I just don't know about this test. I haven't been doing well on the practice exams and I need to pass it to keep my grades up.
WADE: Don't you have like, a 90 average across the board?
SPARKY: Yeah, but what good is that to me? Alright, next question.
WADE: OK, here we go. What is the difference between a prime number and a composite number?
SPARKY: A prime number can only be divided by one and itself?
WADE: Correct. Here's the next one. How would you solve 62 times 10?
SPARKY: You...you do something to 62, right?
WADE: Mm-hmmm, you're in the ballpark.
SPARKY: You...um...you add that thing to the thing when you write it down.
WADE: It's pretty simple, Sparky, concentrate.
SPARKY: Wait, that's it!
WADE: You got it?
SPARKY: Yup! The answer is grape juice concentrate!
(long pause)
SPARKY: (BLEEP), I THOUGHT ABOUT IT TOO HARD! What was it?
WADE: 620.
SPARKY: Oh, you just add the zero with the thing and you get your answer. What's the next one?
WADE: OK, this one's a little doozy, but I think you can withstand it. How would you order the following six-digit number, containing the following digits of 5, 3, 8, 2, 9, and 4?
(long pause; Sparky looks like he has no idea where he is)
SPARKY: You know, last night, I had a dream I was gay?
(Wade throws the papers down and walks inside the kitchen, then walks back out with a milk carton and hits himself in the head with the carton, causing him to fall to the floor.)
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
WADE: Well, you're not a lost cause with this test.
SPARKY: Really? How did I do?
WADE: Well, out of the 29 questions I gave you, you answered...11 correctly.
(long pause)
SPARKY: You sure you don't want to just say the 11 is a 21 with PMS?
WADE: No.
SPARKY: Oh, man, I'm going to fail! I'm going to have to dump Halley and move to Jacksonville.
WADE: Why there?
SPARKY: Dude, if anyone knows anything about failure, it's them.
WADE: Sparky, this is a little dramatic, don't you think? This test is a final, so it's just based off of preexisting information.
SPARKY: Go on.
WADE: If you have great notes, you'll have all the topics down pat by studying. Then, you won't be so nervous and blank out next week.
SPARKY: I DO have great notes, it's just that I'm a terrible test-taker and I can't take the stress. I already failed two tests this marking period and I don't want to fail another one. I wouldn't even be able to look at myself.
WADE: Hey, how do you think I feel? I shaved my head the last time I failed a test.
SPARKY: Really?
WADE: Yes, standardized tests are annoying as hell. Look, Sparky, I know you're a top student in that class. Just study and you're going to have a productive day on Robertson's exam.
SPARKY: Thanks, Wade.
WADE: Sure thing. Oh no, it's 9:45? I have fifteen minutes to get to my place. See ya, Sparks.
SPARKY: See ya. (sighs) Hey, I wonder what Buster's up to.
(Cut to Buster dancing to the theme song for Darkwing Duck in his underpants and singing it at his condo)
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK is walking towards Mr. Robertson's classroom at lunch)
RK: Oh man, I don't know about this. I mean, studying at lunch? That's how you know society has really gone soft.
(RK walks into the classroom and unexpectedly sees some students who he thought would not need help, like Ashley and Yomaris.)
RK: Wait a minute. I thought this was for underachievers, not brainiacs.
ASHLEY: Hi RK. Here to get help?
RK: Yeahhhhh. What are you two doing here?
ASHLEY: Here to get help.
RK: But you two almost always get high grades in this class, what do you need help with?
ASHLEY: I'm scared of tests, honestly. I can do well in class, but if I want to do well on a test, I have to study a LOT.
YOMARIS: Yeah, I'm worried I might fail so I need to review everything I can.
RK: Wow, this is a shocker. I thought the kids with bad grades came here.
ASHLEY: They do, but everybody needs help in school.
(RK nods his head in approval and Mr. Robertson walks in)
MR. ROBERTSON: Hello everybody. Now, let's start reviewing. And nice to see you here, Mr. Jennings.
(RK smiles and opens his math notebook)
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are eating together. However, Sparky is mostly studying.)
JAYLYNN: And, so that's when I told Halley she was wrong, and she started going on and on about how her dog could drive better than me. I thought that was a cheap shot, you know? Because I'm a damn good driver, anybody can see that. And that's when I started having dreams about doggies. Little doggies that will play with me and lick me all over and make me feel good. I think I want a dog one day.
(long pause; Buster is almost speechless)
BUSTER: I found a rock outside the school. See? (Buster shows off his rock) I call him "Sedimentia."
SPARKY: My God, will you two please shut the hell up?! I'm trying to study for this big exam next week! You know, Mr. Robertson's exam? The big math exam Mr. Robertson is giving out? WORTH A LOT OF POINTS FOR THE FREAKING SEMESTER?!
JAYLYNN: Whoa, Paul O'Neill, settle down. The test is six days away, you have plenty of time to get ready.
SPARKY: But what if I don't? This marking period has been the worst in a long time for me.
BUSTER: Last time I checked, your overall average was at least an 88 point something.
(shaking Buster) SPARKY: BUT THIS IS THE BIG ONE! Wait a minute. What if I injured myself?
JAYLYNN: Wha...what?
SPARKY: No, I'm serious. What if I fall off of the school roof trying to do a Swanton Bomb and I break my legs or something? I go to the hospital, then I can be excused from the test.
(long pause)
BUSTER: You know, Sedimentia loves to sing some Guy.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, isn't the test on stuff we already learned?
SPARKY: Yeah.
JAYLYNN: So just go over the stuff you already learned.
(Sparky remembers that Wade said the exact same thing the night before.)
SPARKY: Oh my God, it finally makes sense. It makes absolutely perfect sense. I'm just going back into my notes and doing stuff I already did. It's just a stupid rehash like Degrassi! Awww, thanks Jaylynn. I need to go to the bathroom and study some more before sixth period.
(Sparky runs to the bathroom, trips much to the amusement of some of the other kids, and starts running again)
JAYLYNN: He's going to ace that test, I know it. So how's remedial math?
BUSTER: Oh, it's beautiful. You get simple homework every day, you learn stuff at your own pace, and you can fly.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you can?
BUSTER: Well, I tried. Once during a boring class.
CUTAWAY GAG
(An old lady who's teaching the class is outlining a word problem. Buster seems bored beyond belief, so he gets the idea to stand on his desk and try to fly.)
BUSTER: I CAN DO IT!
(Buster ends up landing face-first on the floor.)
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: The hell was that?
(Buster is playing with Sedimentia and looks up)
BUSTER: Was Wade talking just now?
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: So how's the studying going for you?
RK: Actually, not so bad. I realized something unbelievable. Something that nobody ever knows about or cares about.
SPARKY: What?
RK: When you're in class, and you actually figure out how to solve the problem, and you ask the teacher how to solve it, you get it right.
(long pause; Sparky slaps himself in the face)
SPARKY: My God, I never knew that. Guess all my years of studying have been a waste.
RK: Nah, dude, I'm serious. All my life, I've been failing at school. Constantly getting poor or average marks. The only reason why I passed science in third grade is because Ms. Anthony loved me. But now, I can actually do the work. Look at this.
SPARKY: The math homework Mr. Robertson gave us for tonight?
RK: Yeah. I finished it in less than 20 minutes. The last time I finished homework that fast, the Cubs won the pennant! So how about you?
SPARKY: Not too bad. I'm finally getting rid of the nerves and remembering everything again. But I still feel funny. What's wrong with me?
RK: Eh, you're just going through academic menstruation.
SPARKY: Heh?
RK: Academic menstruation. It's your school period. The only difference is, anyone can get it and you're not constantly cleaning yourself.
SPARKY: Well, how do you get it?
RK: Well, KG got it more than a couple times when he was our age. It goes like this: You're about to take a big test or you're stuck on a project or something. All of a sudden, you're unbelievably stressed. You can't sleep, you can't eat, your hair is in danger of falling out, and pretty soon, you're going to lose all of your basic motions, because you're constantly being devoured by the unholy P.O.S. WE CALL SCHOOL! (RK starts breathing heavily) But luckily for you, you can get rid of your school period.
SPARKY: How?
RK: By not. Stressing. Out. It's kind of weird, Sparko. I would expect Wade to be freaking out over this. You're more of the "whatever happens happens" type.
SPARKY: I know, but I think I'm obsessed with this test and doing well. I'm always hot and cold with math, so if I can just kill this exam, I'll die peacefully.
RK: Wait, what, you're going to kill yourself after you take the test?
SPARKY: No, I meant that in a different way, like...I don't know where that came from.
RK: Sounded like a suicide joke.
SPARKY: No, I know I implied that, but it was just some random thing I said.
(long pause)
RK: So I'll see you at school tomorrow?
SPARKY: Yup.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Buster and Wade are walking through the halls together, watching Mr. Robertson talk to a couple older kids)
BUSTER: What's going on over there?
WADE: Oh, some of those kids cheated on the last test and got caught. I'm telling you, you need to be sly like a cat to get past Robertson and cheat. See what happens.
BUSTER: I...I, I can't see what happens since I'm not in that class and I'm not a cheater.
WADE: Oy vey. Anyway, it looks like everyone's being stressed out by finals. A couple third graders were busted during their history test yesterday. They took pictures of the test and sent them to their friends.
BUSTER: Why?
WADE: Well, if you see the test beforehand, you can get all the answers, ask your friends to make sure and just submit it as if you studied. It's actually pretty sad.
BUSTER: You know, sometimes I'm on the other side of the school, so I don't know about this stuff.
WADE: You didn't even know Obama was elected president until five months after his inauguration.
BUSTER: I was trying to stay away from the media back then! That was my protest.
JAYLYNN: Guys, I'm worried.
BUSTER: Worried that the next black guy in office won't be until after we're all dead?
JAYLYNN: Kinda. But in this case, no. It's all these tests, I can't take it. I'm just a little girl. If I fail any of these tests, I'm going to have to get out my belt.
WADE: You're going to beat yourself if you fail a test this week?
JAYLYNN: No, I'll probably just take my belt and whoop the plants growing in my garden. I mean, I'm a little reckless, but that? No.
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MR. ROBERTSON: I've graded your practice exams from two days before. I can see you children are taking this quite seriously, because some of you scored very well...with a few noteworthy exceptions.
(RK gets his test and looks disappointed, as it looks like business as usual to him. But when he sees his grade, a 92, he falls on the floor in shock.)
JAYLYNN: RK?!
RK: Where am I? God, are you watching me? God, are you seeing this?
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Jennings, I can see you're taken aback by your impressive practice exam grade.
RK: It's just, I've never gotten a 92 in your class before. The last time I scored a 92 in math...
MR. ROBERTSON: The New York Mets were in the NLCS, I know, you've told me that before. Mr. Jennings, this could be the start of something very special. I know you can excel in my class if you just apply yourself.
(RK takes a look at his grade and realizes something)
RK: Oh my God. He's right. I CAN do this. Mr. Robertson, for the first time in years, I have a fetish for education.
MR. ROBERTSON: Some things are better left to the imagination, Mr. Jennings.
JAYLYNN: Cool, a 93. Are you going to calm down with all the studying now?
SPARKY: Of course not. I need to keep it up if I plan to get a 93 on the test.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I feel like you're starting to lose yourself in all of this.
SPARKY: Don't worry about that, I got it under control. Oh, why did I make that mistake?
(The camera focuses on Jaylynn's worried expression)
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("Nas is Coming" by Nas featuring Dr. Dre playing in the background)
Sparky is once again looking through his math notebook, his past homework assignments and his math textbook to study. He completes a few problems, and the camera closes in on his determined facial expression. He keeps wiping beads of sweat from his forehead as he continues to solve more math problems that might show up on the test and check them. Meanwhile, RK is looking in his closet for new gear. He gets out a Tweed blazer, puts leather patches on it, takes out black dress shoes, and khaki pants. He also gets out a green bowtie. Sparky ends up falling asleep on the couch, and Bitch Clock tries to take him to his bed but he ends up falling down the stairs trying to carry him. Bitch Clock tries a second time, but he becomes exhausted easily and just goes to sleep, leaving Sparky asleep on the staircase. Meanwhile, RK dons his new look. KG sees him and immediately starts cackling while RK just keeps on a straight face. For some inexplicable reason, KG then pushes RK to the ground and walks away still laughing. RK's blank expression does not change at all.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(Buster gets his lunch from the cafeteria, which is a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a pack of Goldfish, a ham and cheese sandwich, and a can of Minute Maid fruit punch. He then walks towards his table and sees several kids studying, including Wade and Jaylynn. He looks a bit uncomfortable.)
BUSTER: Um, OK, so when did our school turn into a PBS Kids after-school special?
WADE: OK, lightning round. What would you round 2,456 to?
JAYLYNN: 2,460.
WADE: Correct, it's the nearest whole number. 46 times 11?
JAYLYNN: 506.
WADE: Nice. OK, this next one is a doozy. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot does Adriana think I am?
JAYLYNN: I wouldn't know that, why would you ask me that question?
WADE: BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED FOR THESE CONUNDRUMS!
BUSTER: He's right, you know. In life, ya gotta expect the unexpected.
(RK comes to the table with his new look and a copy of The Seattle Times)
RK: At ease, scholars.
JAYLYNN: OK, even YOU know I couldn't have expected that.
WADE: RK, what's with the get-up?
RK: Guys, Mr. Robertson has made me realize that I could actually do well in school. I know I can be the part, so I have to look the part.
JAYLYNN: RK, I get that you're serious about this test, but don't you think you're overdoing it? Again?
RK: At least I don't wear glasses when I clearly can't see in them.
JAYLYNN: You dick, that's a cheap shot. Hey, where's Sparky?
BUSTER: Studying in the bathroom. I tell ya, I wish he would just mellow out and not be so obsessed over this test.
RK: Ah, that young whippersnapper needs to relax. You know, I always bite the delicious apple of education because of its vitality but remembering your youth? Well, that's like eating mashed potatoes covered in satisfaction gravy.
(long pause)
WADE: Um...OK?
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MR. ROBERTSON: Class, welcome to the Super Bowl of the first semester. Day 1 of this exam consists of 28 multiple-choice questions. I advise everybody to finish all 28 today so you have time to do your short-response questions tomorrow. Good luck.
45 MINUTES LATER
(The whole class is filing out. A majority of them look tired.)
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, I'm tired.
JAYLYNN: Ashley, you're always tired.
ASHLEY: Yeah, but this is a special kind of tired. I feel like I'm about to pass out. I'm not comfortable with tests and I don't want to fail.
JAYLYNN: You're telling ME. The multiple choice was easy, but some questions had me slapping myself so many times, my cheeks were inside out.
(long pause; Ashley looks confused)
ASHLEY: What?
JAYLYNN: Go to your next class, Ashley.
ASHLEY: OK. Yomaris, wait up!
RK: Guys, that test was cake! I didn't know whether to answer the questions or put frosting on 'em! (RK slugs a nauseated Wade on the arm) Am I right?
JAYLYNN: Well, you got up to the last part?
RK: Yeah, I did all my multiple-choice questions. I tell ya, I'm going to do just fine on this test. I guess RK now stands for "Ryan the Math Killer."
WADE: Wouldn't that be RMK?
RK: Um, no, were you listening? The M is implied, but you ignore it. Like that corny pep talk KG gave me this morning.
CUTAWAY GAG
KG: Remember RK, there are no second chances in life.
RK: Actually, there are.
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: Hey, where's my cute little guy Sparky? I want to know how he did.
SPARKY: Sup?
RK: How was the exam?
SPARKY: I got all the way to the last question, but I couldn't finish it. I have no plan.
WADE: Wait, what was your test section?
SPARKY: Section B?
WADE: I obtained Section B! That last question was the only short response one I've done so far. I can write up the steps on how to do it and give it to you.
SPARKY: Thanks Wade. Now I know I can burn this test. That last question is a killer for six points.
WADE: You're telling ME.
BUSTER: SEDIMENTIA'S GONE, THEY TOOK HIM AWAY!
WADE: Um...OK?
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
DAY 2
(Sparky copied down the paper Wade gave him with the steps for the final question on his index card. He compares the paper to the card, puts the paper in his desk, and writes down the answer on his paper.)
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Something's off with this. It just...it just doesn't look like the right answer. Mr. Robertson, could you come over here?
MR. ROBERTSON: Yes, Mr. MacDougal?
SPARKY: I don't get this last question. Something's not right. I mean, there are six numbers and they want you to order them in place value with two threes. Don't you just put the threes together as one number? Or do you leave it out? I don't know.
(Mr. Robertson looks suspicious to an extent, and takes Sparky's test at that moment)
SPARKY: Hey, I'm not done yet!
MR. ROBERTSON: Relax, Mr. MacDougal, I'll still give you credit.
(Sparky takes a look at the paper at that very moment. Mr. Robertson notices this.)
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. MacDougal, could I see that? This is definitely not your handwriting.
SPARKY: It's a prop for a comedy bit! It's called, "Death to Equations."
MR. ROBERTSON: Why do you have this out? You know what? Why don't I just give you a zero right now?
(Mr. Robertson takes the paper and puts it with the test. "Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush plays in the background as the camera focuses on an absolutely bewildered Sparky, holding his head with both hands and looking ready to hyperventilate.)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
("Let It Roll" by Divide the Day plays briefly as Buster and RK hold up a sign in Times Square that says "Thank You, Heavenly Shorts." Buster pulls off that paper to reveal another one that says "The Report from Hell.")
SCENE 1
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is watching TV while wearing a Kam Chancellor jersey with the Super Bowl XLIX logo on it. The doorbell is rung and he goes to get it. The door is opened to reveal Ashley.)
RK: What's up, Ashley?
ASHLEY: Hi. Um, oh my God, I forgot what I came here for. Isn't that something?
(Ashley starts to giggle. The camera focuses on RK's facial expression, which is a cross between confusion, indifference, and disgust all at once.)
ASHLEY: Oh, I got it! Did you do that history paper yet? I just finished it, it was SO long.
RK: What history paper?
ASHLEY: The paper for history class about the Civil War. It's supposed to be at least five pages.
RK: Ohhhhhh. This sounds more like a phone call by the way.
ASHLEY: Did you start it yet? It wasn't really hard, but it was just really annoying.
RK: Well, I thought about doing it. Then I realized I have no idea what that assignment is and it sounds like a huge wreck for my day. So no, I have no plans to do it.
ASHLEY: RK, you can't keep ditching assignments like this. The paper's worth a lot.
RK: Ashley, you and I both know I don't do school. And it's Super Bowl Sunday. You will never see RK Jennings do school on Super Bowl Sunday. In fact, I'm getting lightheaded just hearing you talk about it.
ASHLEY: You're going to get a bad grade.
RK: Nothing I'm not already used to.
ASHLEY: It's worth more than 20% for the marking period.
RK: I was going to order the Papa tonight.
ASHLEY: You might fail the class for the semester.
RK: I hate drinking water, it's for nerds.
ASHLEY: You might get left back.
RK: I have a vitamin deficiency. WAIT, WHAT?! I can't get left back! All this time, me being an underachiever was supposed to be funny, and now you're telling me my ass is really on the line?!
ASHLEY: Afraid so. You know you don't do that much in school.
RK: Dammit, on Super Bowl Sunday? This is worse news than finding out you don't have a good cutaway.
CUTAWAY GAG
(The gag consists of Jaylynn choking Buster while Sparky tries to pull her off. RK and Wade just sit down bored while watching TV.)
END OF CUTAWAY
ASHLEY: I don't get it.
RK: Neither do I.
ASHLEY: Go do your homework.
RK: OK.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: OK, I can do this. All I need to do is just fill up those five pages with stuff from the Internet, easy. Then again, teachers today are pretty smart. They might catch me. Damn the 21st century! Looks like I'm going to have to do stupid-ass research like other kids. At least the game is in five hours. I have plenty of time to finish this paper.
FIVE HOURS LATER
RK: Well, at least kickoff is in half an hour. I have plenty of time to finish this paper.
("Broken Dreams" by Shaman's Harvest starts playing as RK's ringtone, and he picks up his cell phone.)
RK: What do you want?
SPARKY: RK, it's Sparky. Are you still coming over or what? I thought we were all going to watch the Super Bowl together.
RK: You know, Sparky, life isn't always about football. Sometimes, we have to do things we don't want. Like a history paper that might get me left back!
SPARKY: Dude, you had more than a week to do that.
RK: That's besides the point, Sparko. I'm sorry, but some people have to handle their responsibilities.
SPARKY: I finished my report like, four days ago.
RK: Shut up.
(RK hangs up at that point.)
(to Mrs. Tuxedo Pants) RK: Can you believe that douche?
(Mrs. Tuxedo Pants just gives RK a blank stare. The scene goes back to Sparky's house.)
BUSTER: So, is he coming or not?
SPARKY: No. He has to stay home and do his Civil War report that he put off until the last minute.
WADE: Great. He doesn't have to witness the embarrassment the Patriots will administer to the Seahawks.
BUSTER: Wade, you're so full of it. Brady wishes he had the balls Wilson does. Oh, guess what? They're all deflated.
WADE: Ho ho ho, insults mean nothing when those teams commence in Glendale.
JAYLYNN: I don't give a (bleep) who wins, I just hope Katy Perry kills it.
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is actually watching the Super Bowl.)
AL MICHAELS: And yes, the retractable roof is open in Glendale tonight for Super Bowl XLIX. The Seahawks, the defending champions. The Patriots, seeking their fourth title in the 21st century. Who wants it more?
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: Tom Brady is well on his way to becoming the greatest quarterback of all-time and this Super Bowl is a chance to put an end to that conversation.
AL MICHAELS: It's time to take it over to our sideline reporter, Michele Tafoya. Michele?
MICHELE TAFOYA: Al, with all the recent media attention being given to the Patriots after the AFC Championship controversy, Bill Belichick has made it clear that he wants people to remember something else after tonight. A win here would surely put an end to the doubt that has clouded this franchise over the past two weeks, end the decade-long title drought, and cement Tom Brady's legacy as the greatest quarterback of the modern era.
RK: What the? I thought she was black.
KG: RK, did you finish your report?
RK: How do you know about that?
KG: I talk to Ashley sometimes on Facebook. And she wanted me to watch you and make sure you do it.
RK: Ugh, you people are giving me a tumor with all this report talk. (RK starts mumbling incomprehensibly to himself as he walks up the steps)
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is at his desk working on some kind of drawing.)
RK: Well, if I can't watch the Super Bowl, I can at least imagine what it's going to be like.
(RK draws a scoreboard with the Seahawks score reading 49, and the Patriots score reading 8.)
RK: Oh man. I can't DO this. I have to finish that stupid report if I want to see the fifth grade. Because there's nothing sexy about the boy who got left back. I bet Anna would never touch me again.
(RK plays around with his pencil for a bit.)
RK: OK, let's see what I know about the Civil War. The Civil War! I know it was covered on Girl Meets World for the pilot. Cory kept yelling about it. Wait, I got it! The Civil War was between the North and the South! And it was civil! Ha, now I'm catching fire.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is asleep at his desk when somebody taps him on his shoulder.)
MYSTERY GUY: RK! WAKE UP, RK!
RK: Rob Gronkowski?
(RK wakes up and sees Ulysses S. Grant.)
RK: Hey, I know you! The Union kicked your ass.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: I was the leader of the Union.
RK: Oh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like an idiot today.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: You're not an idiot, you're just too focused on this Super Bowl. You should be learning more about me and how I destroyed the Confederacy. For the record, my money's on the Seahawks.
RK: Hmmm, nice. Eh, maybe I COULD do some research.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: That's the spirit. You can finish this report, RK.
RK: I CAN FINISH THIS REPORT, ULYSSES S. GRANT!
(RK realizes that he's talking to himself and KG is at the door, bewildered.)
KG: Yes, RK, drugs are very bad.
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
("I Can" by Nas playing in the background)
(RK has decided to finally do some research. To make it easier on himself, he types the report instead of writing it so he can simply transfer the information he gets from the web in a flash. As time goes by, RK starts gaining more and more research and the pages on his report begin to fill up. At 11:25 PM, about two hours after starting, RK is officially done with his Civil War report. He saves it, takes off his pants and falls asleep on his bed.)
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK comes to school but nobody is around. He looks confused.)
RK: What the...where is everybody? Oh shit.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is standing in front of the other four guys sitting on the couch. Wade has a big fat smile on his face.)
RK: How come you guys weren't in school? You know, you're setting a bad example for my generation.
SPARKY: RK, there was a teacher's conference today, the students don't come back until tomorrow.
RK: Wait a minute. You're telling me I could have done this shit TODAY?! I MISSED THE FREAKING SUPER BOWL FOR NOTHING?!
WADE: That game was absolutely superlative. You really should have been there, RK. The Seahawks were leading 35-17 at the start of the fourth quarter. That's when Brady, the unflappable legend takes control. He gets LaFell for a touchdown, he gets Edelman for another. The Seahawks miss a field goal and it's 35-31 with two minutes left. That's when Brady does it again and he gets the Patriots downfield. On third and goal, Edelman stops Kam Chancellor from intercepting the ball and gives the Patriots the lead. It was all over from there and now Robert Kraft has another Lombardi Trophy. I'm telling you, RK, you missed the greatest game ever.
BUSTER: Yeah, and Katy Perry was awesome too, go figure!
JAYLYNN: If I were you, RK, I wouldn't have stayed in doing homework. That game was incredible.
SPARKY: Yeah, dude, what were you thinking? Like, what?!
(RK gives the camera a disinterested stare while the ending theme to Everybody Hates Chris plays in the background.)
THE END
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
(The class is beginning to file out but Sparky is at Mr. Robertson's desk, trying to plead his case.)
SPARKY: Mr. Robertson, I'm telling you right now I didn't cheat. I took out the paper after you took the test away.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. MacDougal, I don't think you understand how this works. You were caught gaining unlawful knowledge of the test answer before taking the test. That is a direct violation of this school's academic code. If I knew kids were going to resort to this, I would have just made the test one day, no exceptions. And I am thoroughly disappointed that you were one of those children.
SPARKY: But sir, I know how to do the problem myself.
MR. ROBERTSON: Yes, because another kid helped you. Mr. MacDougal, test questions and answers are not even supposed to leave the classroom. I can't stop that from happening, but when it comes back to my classroom, I find out easily and there are serious repercussions for it. This is a very serious offense, Mr. MacDougal.
SPARKY: OK, I'm really sorry, Mr. Robertson. But please don't fail me. If that happens, I'll be a jobless beggar by age 23!
MR. ROBERTSON: I can do whatever I want, Mr. MacDougal. You are very lucky you don't face the prospect of academic suspension for this. But hey, you're a kid. You live and you learn, simple as that.
(Mr. Robertson notices Sparky is close to tears)
MR. ROBERTSON: Hey, son, don't think you are an outlier for this class or my class in general. I have already busted more than three kids for cheating on this test today. I just hope you understand that sometimes, certain things cannot go unpunished.
SPARKY: Yeah, whatever.
(Sparky leaves the classroom at that moment. Mr. Robertson takes off his glasses and sighs.)
MANNY: I heard Mr. Robertson busted Sparky for cheating.
WILL: Yeah, he shouldn't have done that. I mean, in Robertson's class? He was asking for it.
TRAVIS: Guys, he's right there, keep your voices down.
(Sparky angrily stares at Manny, Will, and Travis)
MANNY: Sparky, I have a paper right here. You want to WRITE ON IT?!
(Manny and Will start laughing while Travis walks up to Sparky)
TRAVIS: It's OK, Sparky. Keep your head up.
SPARKY: Thanks.
(Sparky walks to his next class and notices several kids are staring at him, a few pointing and smiling and laughing.)
EMILY: So Sparky, why did you cheat?
MONA: Yeah, why? Were you scared you weren't going to pass?
RK: GET AWAY FROM THIS CHILD, YOU FLESH-EATING RAPSCALLIONS! BACK! EVERYBODY, BACK AWAY! Don't worry, Sparky, I don't blame you for cheating. A man's gotta do what he's gotta do, right?
SPARKY: I want to strangle myself with a hose right now.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is in the house, trying to console a deflated Sparky. The TV is noticeably off.)
JAYLYNN: Look, even though you DID cheat, it's not the end of the world. Maybe Mr. Robertson will just give you no credit for that one question.
BUSTER: Yeah, failing you for the whole thing is pretty extreme. You're a top student, he'll understand.
SPARKY: I don't think so, guys. He seemed pretty serious about the whole thing. This is the absolute worst day of my life. I just wonder who else he busted for cheating.
WADE: Well, whoever it was, it's not important. All that matters is that we be there for Sparky in his time of need.
(Buster looks a little confused at Wade's statement)
RK: So how awesomesauce do you guys think my exam grade is going to be?
JAYLYNN: RK, you asshole, this is about Sparky! And don't use my catchphrase!
RK: I'm sorry, it's just that...all my life, I was constantly struggling in school. Never reaching that promise land that Sparky and Wade always did. I kinda felt jealous because I never thought I would be able to pull it off. But thanks to Mr. Robertson, there's hope for me. I finally feel like school matters now.
SPARKY: Well, RK, I always thought you were a smart guy. And I'm glad you want to strive to do better in school now.
RK: Thanks Sparky. And trust me. If Mr. Robertson drops the hammer and fails you, I'm going to be the first in line to protest.
JAYLYNN: Not if I'm the first.
RK: Oh, Jaylynn, you don't want to challenge me. The last time I backed down, the Knicks had a winning record.
(At that point, Halley knocks on the door.)
HALLEY: Sparky, are you in there?
JAYLYNN: Well, that's our cue to leave. Boyfriend/girlfriend private time.
SPARKY: Hey, you guys can stay.
WADE: Nah.
JAYLYNN: I got things to do. Water the plants and...rainforests.
RK: Get well soon, Jimmy.
(Wade, Jaylynn, and RK all leave at that moment, only leaving Sparky and Buster)
HALLEY: Is it safe to come in?
BUSTER: Yeah, sure.
(Sparky notices that Buster is just standing still and staring at him)
SPARKY: Buster, I love you, but you know how much I hate it when you try to concentrate.
(At that point, Buster gives Sparky a hug.)
BUSTER: Look, Sparky, I'm not always good with words. I don't like conflict and bad, depressing stuff most of the time. But I'm not going to sit there and tell you that you're going to be OK or whatever because I know how strong you are. You're my best friend and I know you don't need my pity. You should be never ashamed of the choices you make. Who are those losers at school to judge you, or Mr. Robertson? Just remember that next semester, you'll still be getting good grades, and you won't need to cheat to do it because you're just that good.
(Sparky stands up and hugs Buster.)
SPARKY: Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.
BUSTER: You know I love you, bro.
SPARKY: Pals for life.
(Buster leaves at that moment and sees another rock on the porch.)
BUSTER: Cool, a new rock! I'm going to call you "Donovan Patton" because you're the not-as-good replacement.
HALLEY: So I heard about what happened.
SPARKY: It got around quickly?
HALLEY: Yeah, you're very popular on Facebook tonight.
SPARKY: Good grief. I can't believe I let this happen. I cared so much about that stupid test, I did a stupid thing and now I'm going to get a horrible grade. One day, I'm probably going to grow up and be a bigger disgrace than Barry Bonds' doctor.
HALLEY: Did you only cheat on that one question?
SPARKY: Yeah.
HALLEY: OK, listen: Everybody gets caught cheating in that school. And Mr. Robertson knows you. He knows you're at the top of the class all the time and you're always taking your work seriously. He's not going to penalize you for that.
SPARKY: How do you know for sure?
HALLEY: Because in second grade, I cheated on a science test. At the time, I was one of the best students you could ask for. My teacher didn't hold it against me because she knew the kind of student I was. She decided to make me take the test over again with no material I could use to cheat.
SPARKY: So what's the moral here?
HALLEY: Sparky, I've been with you for two years now. I know the kind of person you are and the kind of student you are. Mr. Robertson should know too and not penalize you for one question. You have an average to save, other kids don't.
SPARKY: Yeah, you do have a point. I just wish he saw it that way.
HALLEY: You want me to speak to him? Because I can if you want me to.
SPARKY: No, that's OK. I'm just going to wait and see what he does.
HALLEY: Well, tomorrow's the last day of the marking period. He better act fast. (Halley then kisses Sparky) I still love you no matter what.
SPARKY: Me too, Hale. (Sparky kisses Halley back and she then leaves. Bitch Clock walks down the steps at that very moment.)
BITCH CLOCK: So Halley's cool with you cheating on her?!
SPARKY: Why are you so fixated on our relationship?
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is having lunch with RK and Jaylynn. He's playing with Donovan Patton.)
JAYLYNN: Buster, why did you bring Sedimentia to school again? You know he's just going to get lost a second time.
BUSTER: Sedimentia's dead and gone, Jaylynn. This is Donovan Patton.
JAYLYNN: The (bleep) kind of name is that?
BUSTER: It's Sedimentia's not-as-good replacement.
RK: That's funny.
BUSTER: Thank you. Welp, it's the last day of the semester. I wonder where Rocket Man and Sphero are.
JAYLYNN: You mean, Sparky and Wade?
BUSTER: Well, I'm surely not talking about Laverne and Shirley, am I right?
(RK and Jaylynn look bored. The camera cuts to Gilcania doing a rimshot on stage.)
BUSTER: I paid her $100 to do that. No, seriously, where are they?
RK: Sparky's eating outside with Halley and Wade is...I have no idea where Wade is.
JAYLYNN: Neither do I.
(The camera cuts to Wade crying about something in the bathroom. Manny comes in the bathroom and hears it.)
MANNY: Hello, is anybody using this stall?
WADE: GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE!
(Manny runs out of the bathroom screaming.)
BUSTER: Man, I really hope Sparky's not still kicking himself about this whole cheating episode. I mean, we all do it. I can't forget the first time I cheated. RK, remember, it was Mr. Cylin's science class last year?
RK: Oh yeah. Who could forget your classic comeback?
CUTAWAY GAG
(Buster is taking his science test when Mr. Cylin comes to his desk and sees him going through his notebook.)
BUSTER: Yes, of course, that's the answer.
MR. CYLIN: Buster, what in God's name are you doing?
BUSTER: Going through my notebook so I don't fail, duh.
MR. CYLIN: You realize that's cheating, right? I'm going to have to give you a zero, right?
BUSTER: And you realize that you can hold these nuts, right?
END OF CUTAWAY
BUSTER: Yeah, I used to have a mouth on me back in the day.
JAYLYNN: What did your teacher do?
BUSTER: He told me to go sit in the corner, ripped up my test and blew the pieces in my face.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is walking by when Mr. Robertson turns the corner.)
SPARKY: Hello, Mr. Robertson.
MR. ROBERTSON: Afternoon, Mr. MacDougal.
(Sparky tries to ignore the lack of attention in Mr. Robertson's tone when he hears his ringtone: "My Time is Now" by John Cena. Sparky picks up his phone.)
SPARKY: Yellow. Anja? Hey, what's up? How do you know I cheated, you don't even go here! Oh yeah, that makes sense. Why are you calling me in the middle of the day, I have class! Anja, that joke was terrible. You have class? OK, go to your class, Anja. Bye. (Sparky hangs up; under his breath) I have no (bleep)ing idea.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK walks to Mr. Robertson's desk. He sees that other kids are still taking their tests.)
RK: Mr. Robertson, I don't get it. I thought it was a two-day test.
MR. ROBERTSON: Well, Mr. Jennings, there are times where some kids just can't complete the material in the allotted time. So I'm giving those kids this period. After all, it's my last class of the semester. With all this cheating going on, it's about time I make some changes to my testing policies. Did you have anything else to discuss with me, Mr. Jennings?
RK: Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for all your help. I finally feel like I can be somebody in school now.
MR. ROBERTSON: Well, Mr. Jennings, I highly appreciate the sentiment. You know, kids like you have so much untapped potential and I want to be there to remove that potential and make it a reality. You have the ability to do great things, Mr. Jennings. I sense that.
RK: Well, it's great that you feel that way. And next year, I can't wait for you to once again be my math teacher for no reason at all.
MR. ROBERTSON: Actually, Mr. Jennings, there's something that you should know.
RK: What is it?
MR. ROBERTSON: Not too many people in the administration are aware of this, but...when the school year ends, I have plans to retire.
RK: Yeah, we all need to retire from it all sometimes. Get some rest for a little while and come back weaker, just like Jay-Z.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Jennings, I know you're just trying to be droll, but this retirement is permanent. I will no longer teach another class after this year.
RK: What? But why?
MR. ROBERTSON: Well...here's a fun fact: I'm an old man. I'm 80 years old and I have been teaching long before there was TGIF on ABC. It's time for me to reach the next chapter of my life. You know, before the whole thing closes about as soon as I reach it.
RK: Mr. Robertson, I'm going to need your help. I need you to help me navigate through life, be my helping hand whenever possible. I have to have guidance in school.
MR. ROBERTSON: No, you don't need me to do what you know you can do all by yourself. Look, Mr. Jennings, I understand it is a daunting task to grow up. Things change. We all want to believe that everything is going to be just fine because someone is there to force-feed that notion. But when it all comes down to it, it takes true self-reliance to get through it all. I know you can do it because you're a strong enough person to do it.
RK: Yeah, I guess. But I'm never going to talk to you again.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Jennings, what year do you think we're in, 1985? We have social media, the world has gotten radically smaller in these past couple of years. Give me an email if you feel up to the task.
RK: Alright, I will.
MR. ROBERTSON: And hey. I'm still your teacher until late June. So if I were you, I would want to make my teacher proud and step it up a notch across the board. Not just math, but in every class.
(RK looks nervous, and then gives off an insincere smile with clenched teeth)
RK: Yeah, other classes, that's going to be just fine, yay.
MR. ROBERTSON: You don't have a lot of confidence in other classes, do you?
RK: Nah, not really.
SCENE 18
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Robertson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
(The class is beginning to file out. Sparky walks up to Mr. Robertson.)
MR. ROBERTSON: Enjoy your semester break, children. I will see you in eleven days.
JAYLYNN: Why eleven days?
RK: Because it's Friday and we come back two Tuesdays from now.
JAYLYNN: Oh, OK. When it comes to counting vacation days, I'm totally weaksauce.
RK: I have a strong, burning hatred for your catchphrases.
SPARKY: Hey, Mr. Robertson, I have to know: What's the verdict on the final exam?
MR. ROBERTSON: I haven't decided yet, but you will know online by next week. And I hope you realize that cheating is not worth it.
SPARKY: It's not. Never has been.
MR. ROBERTSON: So why did you do it?
SPARKY: I was desperate.
(Mr. Robertson walks back to his desk without saying a word. Sparky just stands there looking humbled.)
MR. ROBERTSON: You should be on your way to your next class, Mr. MacDougal.
(At that point, Sparky leaves the class and Mr. Robertson gives him one last look.)
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
THE WEDNESDAY AFTER
(Sparky walks downstairs that morning in his robe and goes on his Kindle. He goes on the website GradeMonkey, a site designed to organize students' grades for teachers. Sparky logs in and finds out that he has a 79 for the marking period, rounded up to an 80. He received credit for the test (although it is unknown whether or not the final question was counted) and got an 82. And for the semester, Sparky got an 85. He immediately starts beaming and dances around. Bitch Clock sees him and starts dancing behind him. Then, out of nowhere, he stops and has on a serious expression.)
BITCH CLOCK: STOP IT!
(Sparky immediately stops dancing and walks into the kitchen when his cell phone starts ringing. He picks it up.)
SPARKY: Hey Wade.
WADE: Meet me at Ike's later, we need to have discourse about something.
SCENE 20
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Wade are at the restaurant with two large cherry limeades. Wade looks a little disappointed.)
SPARKY: Wait, so you were one of the kids Mr. Robertson busted for cheating?
WADE: Yeah. I was second-guessing myself, so I flipped through my notebook and he caught me. I'm just lucky he decided to give me credit still.
SPARKY: How come you didn't tell me sooner?
WADE: I was humiliated. I didn't want you guys to start thinking lesser of me because I needed to cheat.
SPARKY: Wade, I don't care about that. You're always going to be an ace student, and cheating on one test isn't going to take that away from you.
WADE: Kinda like your situation, huh?
SPARKY: Yeah. I was so caught up in what people think, I became obsessed with a test grade. I never thought I would cheat.
WADE: Likewise. When Mr. Robertson caught me, I was close to having heart palpitations. I couldn't afford to have my reputation be smeared with fraudulence.
SPARKY: Why do we do this to ourselves? School can be so stressful, but we don't need to self-destruct.
WADE: Yeah. Too bad some kids are already past the point of no return.
SPARKY: Well, at least we learned that cheating is even worse than we thought and we shouldn't do it.
WADE: Yeah? I mean, who really cares what people believe? We all make mistakes sometimes. It only makes us human.
SPARKY: Exactly. At least the semester is over and we can finally relax.
WADE: You said it. (long pause) Except, remember next semester, there's just going to be even harder material.
SPARKY: (Bleep).
(black screen)
(in front of University of Phoenix Stadium) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Take It in Blood" by Nas playing in the background)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS