Prologue

I tried to block out the sounds. Put my hands over my ears, closed my eyes to shut out the flashing lights. Tried to swallow the feeling of complete and utter panic.

Its just a dream, I chanted to myself, it's just a dream. Thing was, it felt too godamn real.

The screams were getting louder. The piercing sounds were working their way into my head. The lights were getting brighter, and I could feel it coming.

I screamed suddenly, jolting myself awake, panting in the darkness.

'Shhhh,' a voice soothed. I looked over to where Jacob sat in his chair by my bed. He smiled as if he had all the answers, 'It's ok Bella, I'm here for you.'

Bella

It was my third cup of coffee that morning and I was still running late. Frantically I tried to work my long brown hair into some sort of a ponytail but the more I wrestled with it the more seemed to work it's way free. It was a pain in the ass, although Jacob would never let me cut it. He was sat on the bed watching me like he always did these days, a big happy as Larry smile plastered on his face.

Must be nice not to need help in the mornings, I thought as I slung the remains of my coffee in the sink. It'd take a gallon of the stuff to get me anywhere near Jake's constant level of perkiness.

I scanned my room quickly for my shoes, trying not to take in the piles of boxes I still hadn't got round to unpacking. I could live without most of it anyway, and on the rare occasion I was home we ate takeout. My skills in the kitchen were less than par I had to admit. At least there were no complaints from Jake.

'Are you ready then?' I asked Jacob as I spied my heels exactly where I'd flung them last night in my worn out state.

'Are you?' he replied giving me one of his cheeky grins. The sight made me stop and stare, a warm fuzzy feeling engulfing me and I wished we could just skip work today.

I shook my head to clear that extremely appealing thought and nodded towards the door, 'Come on.' I mock scolded him, grabbing my keys from the table 'or I'll call in sick again.'

The traffic in Forks wasn't too bad that morning as it was unusually dry. Since moving back here four months ago I still hadn't got used to the near constant rain.

I pulled into my parking spot at the hospital and glanced at Jacob sitting next to me. The familiar uneasiness started snaking its way up my spine making my hands shake slightly as I unbuckled my seatbelt. I tried to breathe evenly and keep myself calm.

'Hey, don't worry so much Bella' Jake tried to comfort me giving me a reassuring smile. I was relieved to note it was working. 'You've done this before, it's like second nature to you. I'll be right there with you.'

I let out the shaky breath I didn't realise I was holding. Jake was right, I'd get through today like every other. Quickly I opened the door before I changed my mind.

'Isabella Swan did you dress in the dark again?' I frowned as I thoroughly took in my reflection in the lift doors for the first time that day. My beautiful cream wrap dress Alice had made me buy, had one too many wraps in it. I was surprised and slightly impressed that I could actually walk in it. I narrowed my eyes at the halo of hair wisping around my head, already making it's escape. Somehow I'd managed to perfect the look of a mummy let out of its tomb for the day.

'Shit' I muttered, beside me I heard Jacob snigger and I glared at him annoyed that he still took sides with her.

I sneaked a glance at my so called best friend and took in her flawless appearance. Precision ironed crisp white shirt, tight knee length pencil skirt and high shiny black heels. The outfit coupled with her flawless complexion so fair it made her dark brown eyes stand out without the aid of mascara or eyeliner. Her perfect short black hair was spiked with purpose and not like you let a four year old do it, and I couldn't help blushing with shame.

'Not everyone dresses for work like a movie star Alice' I shot back though it was weak and halfhearted and Alice just rolled her eyes.

Grabbing my arm she yanked me out onto our floor. 'Come on lets go get us some scrubs before too many people actually see you.'

She smiled at me but I could still see the disappointment in her elfin face.

Alice is my best friend. We'd grown up together here in Forks until I was 12 and my parents decided to move to Phoenix. We'd kept in contact and spent our summers alternating between the two.

My favourite summers were coming back to Forks and living with Alice in her huge mansion of a house, even though her older brother Emmett would constantly make fun of us, laughing at our outfits and eavesdropping on our conversations. It all stopped once Emmett found himself a girl, god knows how cos I've seen the way he eats, but Rosalie his wife now, would kick his ass for being mean to us and for that we always loved her.

We would go down to La Push, find Jacob and his friends and generally cause havoc on the beaches, cliff diving, barbeques and late night campfires with ghost stories and gooey marshmallows.

Alice always pretended that she didn't like the Quileute boys with their silky black hair and smooth dark skin, but I think she secretly had a crush on Sam one of the older boys. I saw the way she snuggled into him during those lazy evenings pretending like she was just cold. I loved it there, it was so beautiful and peaceful. There was an atmosphere to the place that just appealed to me. Alice just shook her head when I tried to explain it to her, 'But Bella they smell weird' was her reply.

Still smiling at the memory of a much younger Jacob I turned out of Alice's iron grip to catch one last glimpse of him. He smiled back at me and winked conspiratorially as the doors closed and my panic subsided like it always did when Jake was around.

We reached the lockers and Alice handed me my scrubs whilst she started untangling my dress. Jolted back to reality I spun away from her 'Alice! What the…. '

'How on earth did you get this on?' she continued not stopping her attempts to free the ties I'd managed somehow to wrap round my knickers.

'Alice' I tried again whilst wrestling my dress out of her hands, 'I'm perfectly capable…' She snorted as she turned to look at me incredulously. 'oh forget it!' I snapped and flounced off towards a cubicle, dress trailing behind me.

I slammed the door angrily and flung my clothes onto the bench inside, just wishing I could at least manage this simple thing. It shouldn't be this hard still. I was a rational person, surely I could cope by now. Alice's perfect face appeared over the top of the next cubicle as frustrated tears made their escape down my flamed cheeks.

'I'm sorry' I whispered trying to stifle the sobs that were threatening their arrival.

'It's ok,' she sighed reaching a hand out to stroke my hair 'I should have known even after all these years you weren't ready for a wrap dress'

We both laughed and I smiled at her gratefully.

As far back as I can remember, Alice was obsessed with clothes. She dictated and led every single fashion trend at our schools, and as a result I was willing to bet Forks had the best dressed schoolgirls in America. I was the lucky one who was forced to go on shopping sprees and had my outfits picked out for me day to day by Alice. Unfortunately when I moved away I was left to dress myself and lets just say her innate fashion sense never rubbed off on me. It's one of Alice's biggest regrets about me leaving Forks so now she's making up for lost time.

'I'll see you outside in 10, don't forget we've got rounds' she trilled as I envisioned her tiny frame bouncing out of the door.

I emerged from the changing room I felt Jacob's presence behind me. I hated it when he snuck up on me.

'You can't be here, I've got rounds' I mumbled trying to smooth back my unruly hair into something more presentable.

'Don't you want my help?' he pouted and I turned to face him properly.

'Not unless you've studied all my patients and know what's wrong with them?'

He opened his mouth to say something but I interrupted 'Please Jake, I've got to do this on my own, I'll see you later ok?'

I winced as I heard my name being called down the hall. 'Bella?' I'd know that melodic voice anywhere. She had a habit of using it to her advantage and could literally sweet talk her way out of any given situation, and I'd seen her do it. I felt sorry for Jasper her boyfriend, she definitely wore the trousers in that relationship.

Unfortunately it meant rounds were starting and I'd better get my ass in gear. I threw Jacob an apologetic shrug and a smile as I started to back away towards her voice.

I reached Alice's side just as our resident turned up. Alice winced dramatically as she looked me up and down. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her, how the fuck do you make scrubs look glamorous?

I realised Dr Stevens was talking. He always talked like he hated us with a passion and there wasn't a godamn thing any of us could do to change his opinion. In all honesty you'd have to practically live here and constantly study text books to even register on his radar. The man was a workaholic and a complete jerk. I tried to catch up with what he was saying. God I sucked at this.

I'd started med school in Phoenix the same time Alice had started here. We had a mutual fascination of hospitals, probably since we'd grown up following Alice's Dad Dr Cullen round one. For some reason I can't fully remember, I'd always called him Dr Carlisle and he'd always called me Izzy. Just to be different I suppose. Every time I stayed over, which was a lot, Dr Carlisle would always indulge my hypochondriac tendencies. For a paper cut I would routinely get offered a course of Tetnus injections, when I blistered my hand on a cookie sheet helping Esme in the kitchen we inspected my leg for suitable skin graft material, and once when I'd hit my head on the coffee table wrestling with Emmett he'd declared me comatose and hooked me up to a heart monitor in the lounge until I'd come back to them. He didn't joke like that anymore, which I think I loved him more for.

Alice and I would routinely sneak medical books out of his library and read disgusting symptoms to each other, playing guess the disease. It was also those very books that allowed us to study the male form in much depth. Unfortunately to the detriment of poor Mike Newton who didn't meet up to Alice's exacting standards in that area. Maybe the whole school didn't have to know that his 'thing' bent the wrong way.

Now we were interns and now Dr Stevens was looking right at me.

'Miss Swan, this young lady came to us last night presenting with acute abdominal pain and nausea can you tell me how you would diagnose this patient?'

I heard Jacob whisper in my ear 'That's easy Bella, you know that' I tried to stop myself from looking at him and getting distracted. I did know this, it was on the tip of my tongue. I'd read about this a thousand times, it was like hospital 101. I could feel everyone's stare boring into me, telepathically sending me the answer even though I knew it.

I tried opening my mouth to speak. Why couldn't I speak? My heart started racing loudly and painfully, hitting against my ribcage like it wanted freedom. I could hear my own blood rushing, surging faster and faster drowning out the sounds around me. I was feeling really hot. Was it that hot in here? Why didn't they open a window? Why wasn't everyone else sweating? Starting to panic I tried to move away from the group but my legs were jammed to the floor. I need some air I thought desperately but I still couldn't open my mouth. It was all closing in on me. I was falling but I could do nothing to stop myself. I felt hands on me as everything started swimming in dizziness. I was really losing it.

Terror gripped me tight as I fought to regain control over my own body. I felt like screaming, surely this was what madness felt like. And then it was there, Jacob's familiar smell clinging to my senses and filling my head. I called out to him needing his closeness. I could see Alice's face full of concern. Behind her Jacob was smiling at me. 'You're gonna be ok Bella' he whispered and I surrendered to the darkness.

Edward

Tired of pretending to sleep I opened one eye to look at the clock. 8.03 'aw shit…' I threw back the sheet I was still tangled in and scrambled out of bed cursing the damn alarm clock for not working properly. First day and I was gonna be late, fucking brilliant. I took the quickest shower in mankind, in and out in under a minute merely showing the soap to my naked ass. Normally I never bothered with my hair, leaving it to dry however the hell it wanted, but this morning I tried my best to comb it in a pathetic attempt to look smarter. I hadn't a clue what I was doing, it looked all fucking poncy and wrong.

I dressed in the suit Carlisle had given me, wincing as I noticed the designer label. I could never afford to repay this shit but I mentally added it to the tab anyway. I'd make sure of it one way or another, and today would be a good fucking start.

I barely concealed my anger as I stalked past Emmett in the hallway.

'Good luck mate' he called out to my retreating form. I'd been here for three weeks now and I decided I liked Emmett. He was the kind of guy who took life at face value. He was a couple of years younger than me and he was a cocky son of a bitch but that's who he was, take it or leave it. And he pretty much treated everyone with the same respect.

His wife Rosalie lives here with Emmett. The place was plenty big enough. I guess you could call her beautiful but there's this coldness and hardness to her that scares the shit outta me. I tend to keep out of her way and she doesn't seem bothered by that. Rosalie is also pregnant. For reasons I didn't care to analyse, I found it hard to look at her let alone be happy for them both.

'Whatever' I mumbled back, knowing I was being an insensitive prick but not really in the mood for caring.

I was relieved to see that Alice and her puppy dog, Jasper, had already left for work. Jasper didn't technically live here but the Cullens seemed fine with it. Honestly though I don't think I've ever seen anyone as love sick as Jasper. He idolises Alice, it's like a baby duck imprinting on its mother, yeah weird.

Alice is just Alice. She has this energy that I find unnerving and compelling at the same time. She almost reads my mind, in as much as she knows when I want to be left the fuck alone. Works for me.

In the kitchen I came face to face with Esme. Her normally piercing green eyes were dull and her face looked all washed out. We stared each other down for a few seconds before I was compelled to look away. All the guilt I'd been suppressing rose to the surface threatening to suffocate me. I had to get out of here. She offered me a weak smile and nodded towards to table. I grabbed the cup I assumed she'd made for me, and a roll and headed for the door.

'Uh Edward…' I heard Esme start 'do you want to…' but I didn't hear the rest as I slammed shut the front door and ran to my car.

Outside Carlisle was just getting back from a nightshift at the hospital, digging his suitcase out of the back of his brand new shiny Audi. He straightened up stretching his arms above his head in an attempt to work out the obvious kinks in his back. I wondered briefly if it would be weird to suggest I help out with that. He looked as tired as I felt but when he saw me he forced an encouraging smile.

'Nice suit,' he called out.

'Not as nice as yours.' I retaliated and he chuckled to himself, more than likely thinking what an ungrateful bastard I was.

'Have you seen Esme this morning?' I averted my eyes not willing to let him see the guilt.

'No,' I lied easily nodding to the car Carlisle had lent me, and I meant that in the very loosest sense of the word as I'd refused to take it as a gift. 'I'm running late.' I slid behind the wheel starting her up with a flick of my wrist. I was backing out of the drive before Carlisle could respond.

I couldn't deal with that this morning, I thought, running my hand through my hair until it flopped messily into my eyes. Carlisle had given me the chance of a lifetime and I wasn't going to fuck it up.

I pulled into the parking lot and quickly glanced in my mirror. The face that stared back was barely recognisable. My eyes were flat and lifeless with dark circles from lack of sleep and I looked closer to 40 than 28.

With more force than strictly necessary I slammed the visor up as a flash of white caught my eye. I stared at the vision racing towards the hospital entrance mesmerised by the bright light that seemed to surround her. As she ran I noticed her hair was all over the place, in a good way, and there was something wrong with that dress, but the thing that got me was that she was smiling and talking but the place was completely empty.

By the time I made it into the office I was considerably late. The blonde bubbly receptionist told me with a snap of her pink bubble gum, 'don't you worry sweet cheeks, I'll sort it out for you.' She gave me a sickly sweet smile, which was highly unnerving for this early in the morning, and I seriously doubted her ability to make both of those things happen.

God I was in a foul mood. I couldn't wait for the day to start so I could get my hands on some poor unsuspecting sucker and massage the shit out of him.

As I sat there waiting, my mind flicked back to Esme's face earlier. I was ruining it with her. I never expected such generosity from Carlisle and his new wife Esme, after all they'd only just found out I even existed.

My mother had told me all about the good doctor many many times. It was her favourite subject, and depending on her mood or alcohol level she'd tell me how she'd proceeded to fuck it all up.

I'd done my share of digging in the past, hoping to find a lonely old man in need of some company. Instead I'd found this incredibly successful doctor, married with two children and highly respected in the community. The last thing he wanted or needed in his perfect life was some reject son he'd never known about. So I'd gone back to Alaska, back to our filthy apartment and my manic-depressive mother and vowed to make him proud. To eventually go to him as someone who was worthy of his attentions.

But I'd failed, badly.

'Mr Cullen'

I jerked back to the present day realising I was being addressed. It still didn't feel right, being called a Cullen.

'Dr Munroe' I stood and shook the doctor's hand while she looked me up and down a smile itching at her heavily botoxed lips. Carlisle had gotten me an interview here and luckily for me they decided to give me chance. I was qualified for the job, having done my sport therapist training when I left high school, unfortunately that was when my decisions stopped becoming my own.

'You came highly recommended from Carlisle.' She winked at me using his first name as if to suggest a familiarity that I knew did not exist. Esme had teased Carlisle when he told her who he'd had to suck up to.

'She's a very persistent woman.' He'd grimaced, 'Don't let her take advantage of you.' But I was more than capable of holding my own.

'Dr Cullen is a great doctor.' I over emphasised his name pointedly. Her Barbie doll face, replicated only by the amount of plastic, looked away. I doubted you could even tell what emotion she was portraying.

Dr Munroe cleared her throat uncomfortably and indicated a door to our left. 'If you'd like to come in here we can get started' A sharp intake of breath from the reception area alerted us to the fact that the dumb receptionist was eavesdropping. I could see the two ladies eyeballing each other and hoped the Doc would fire her later. Feeling like I was gonna hate it here I made my own way into the room.

Three patients later and I was sensing the need for some air. I'd worked with an angsty young teenager who'd broken his foot and refused to weight bear, a sweet old lady who recently had a knee replacement and shouted 'motherfucker' every time you went near it, and a conversational war veteran with a fused spine, who wouldn't shut up no matter how much pain I seemed to inflict on him.

Throughout the morning the receptionist called Jessica, with the addition of bright pink lips and fluttery eyelashes, had brought me four cups of coffee and two bottles of water. Did she think I had the bladder of a camel? I quickly realised with great disappointment she had not been given the sack. On top of her frequent interruptions, I'd been subjected to a very thorough demonstration of hands on therapy by Dr Munroe, one that I didn't want a repeat of and didn't think very necessary at the time.

Truth was I needed some space.

Jessica rushed to get the door as I made my way across the reception. I wanted to tell her I wasn't goddamn royalty but I really didn't give that much of a shit to say it. I smiled tensely at her and mumbled something like I'd be back for my next appointment. She all but fainted at the fact I hadn't just ignored her like every other time that morning. God she was pathetic.

I wasn't sure where to go as I glanced around outside. The therapy centre was right next to the hospital although you could clearly tell it was a new build. Across the street there was a large green park surrounded by trees and bushes with a flat green in the centre. Plenty of people were sat on blankets enjoying a rain free day and a couple of college kids were playing American football.

Emmett played football, he was supposed to be very good. I thought then that I might go to one of his games, to show some effort you know, not because I liked football or anything. Bunch of guys banging their heads together over a ball didn't strike me as particularly skilful. The closest I got to American Football was Emmett's sport bag lying in the hall and then I wished to god I hadn't.

I spotted a vacant undercover park bench across the street that looked just as good as any. It was a cast-iron affair and someone had painstakingly wound creeper vines all over it providing waterproofing and at the same time enclosing the bench in privacy. Just as I was about to cross, I heard my name being called from behind me. My mood instantly fell as I recognised the voice.

'Edward, sorry do you have a minute?' Esme was rushing towards me looking very determined. Her sharply tailored suit made her look like she didn't belong here. Everything about her screamed elegance and money. She was one put together lady and I wondered for a second how my life would have turned out having this woman bringing me up instead of my inadequate excuse of a mother.

I remembered how Esme had tried to talk to me earlier this morning, couldn't she take a hint?

'I think we need to talk about a few things' she said almost as if asking me. I just frowned at her really pissed at her for even being here, but she took no notice. 'I've made arrangements for..'

'Esme please' I begged her before I lost it and threw away everything once again. 'I cant do this here or now.' I felt trapped, pressurised. I knew what I had to do for god's sake, why could people just get off my back about it. I just couldn't deal with it yet.

I clenched my fists either in a misguided attempt to calm myself or to stop myself from lashing out. Either way it helped slightly. I repeated the answer I always had for her, 'I cant do it, I'm sorry.' And in that moment I really truly felt it. Esme was putting herself out for me and for Carlisle and I was throwing it back in her face. I felt really shitty.

She looked at me and her face hardened into a glare. 'Fine.' She bit out harshly 'But this cant go on Edward, sooner or later you'll have to face up to your responsibilities, you cant bury your head in the sand forever……' her voice trailed off as she took in the look on my face. I was willing to bet it wasn't a pretty sight.

I didn't trust myself to speak like a decent human being so I kept my mouth shut. Esme seemed to back down and her face softened, her voice took on a more soothing tone 'Edward I'm sorry for what happened…' she started and I instantly realised I liked this line of conversation even less.

'Can we talk at home?' I snapped anxiously looking around for an escape route. 'I have to go back to work.'

Esme nodded at me sadly as drops of rain started hitting the pavement. I wanted to say more, I wanted to tell her I could do what she asked of me but I couldn't say it and I knew it wasn't true. I turned away from her and all but ran for the safety of the therapy centre. I felt like a class A jerk more than ever as I watched her walk away dejectedly, and knew that I would have to make good on my word and talk to her this evening. Much as I hated to admit it, she was right. It wasn't going to go away by ignoring the situation and the longer I left it the harder it would become. Time to bite the bullet, time to be a man.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of coffee, geriatrics and Jessica's pitiful and annoying attempts at small talk. There were a lot of old people in this town and not very many all-star athletes.

I'd gone into my training from a love of fighting. Not in gangs or bars or shit like that, although I'd had my fair share of that too. I meant in the ring. Boxing, Muay-Thai, Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, Kickboxing, Wrestling. You name it I'd tried it. From an early age I was forced to fend for myself.

I would hear the guy who lived in the flat above us kicking the shit out of a punch bag in the alleyway behind our block. I'd sit and watch him, mesmerised by his movements. One day he called me over, I thought for sure I was getting a good beating, but he started showing me how to throw punches and kicks at the bag, and I felt so free and in control I loved every second of it.

I started going with him to this unused warehouse where he trained, using a makeshift ring and old gym equipment. I never pushed my luck and in return I was sort of accepted into the group. Throughout the years it was the only thing that kept me going. Injuries were common as I guess the equipment wasn't that great and the guys were getting old. I read up on sports injuries at school and how to overcome them. Gradually I sort of became the guy who would help you train if you were injured and get you back into fighting shape. It became my new focus as I realised I could actually help people. That's when I knew what I wanted to do and as I finished high school with excellent grades I started college for physical therapy. I'd had it all worked out, too bad life didn't agree with me.

By the end of the day I was fucking exhausted. As I left the building I prayed the secluded bench across the road would be vacant again. As much as I knew I had to, I couldn't handle going back and facing Esme just yet.