THIS STORY IS MARY SUE! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT!
Author's Notes: I've been on a Star Trek: Voyager kick for a while. I was reading some things on Wikipedia about the EMH and found out about the episode "Latent Image", when he experienced crippling guilt over the death of a crewmember and, essentially, went crazy because of it. I watched the aforementioned episode and, the end of it really touched me, when he was reading the book of poetry. He sounded like he wanted to cry, plus he needed a hug. Now, AL couldn't be on Voyager, because she's already on board the Enterprise. However, that's what the holodeck is for. I thought of the concept of the EMH deciding that he needed someone who could understand what he was going through and ask the computer to create someone like that. So, the computer created AL, because, by then, she's gone through Data and the emotion chip.
Trivia and In-Jokes: The line "In that book, which is my memory, on the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you appear the words, 'Here begins a new life.' " is the last line taken from "Latent Image", when the Doctor is reading La Vita Nuova ("The New Life") that Captain Janeway left for him. There's a drug in the Trek-verse called Retinax V. It's actually for farsightedness. Captain Kirk is allergic to the stuff, hence why he had to wear reading glasses. AL is nearsighted (just like I am) and her glasses, due to something that happened in her past, actually give her better vision than normal, hence why she wears them even in the 24th century. The line "Tell me your story again. Every detail." is from Doctor Who, episode "Arc of Infinity". The line "Lieutenant Torres enhanced my emotional subroutines so I could experience an opera." was mentioned this in the Voyager episode, "Imperfection". The attack on Amargosa Station is from Star Trek Generations.
"In that book, which is my memory, on the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you appear the words, 'Here begins a new life.' "
The holographic doctor briefly looked up, then back at the book in his hands and slowly sat down, continuing to read.
He sighed and set the book down on his lap. The problem with the Voyager crew was that they just couldn't understand. Oh, he was grateful for all they've tried to do for him, make no mistake. But, as humanoids, they couldn't understand just how difficult it was for him, an artificial life form, to cope with the grief.
The more he thought of it, the more it depressed him, and the more it conflicted inside his programming.
He needed someone who understood how to deal with artificial life forms. Someone who knew how to deal with situations like this.
Well, he was on the holodeck.
"Computer," he said as he stood up, "is there anyone in the database that understands…emotions in artificial life forms? Someone who has…dealt with situations like my own?"
The computer beeped as it processed the question. "Accessing database," said its female voice. "Affirmative."
That was surprising, actually. He might as well give this person a try.
"Create a projection of them, please."
It beeped again and the air behind him shimmered and solidified into the image of a young woman. She was wearing a standard 24th century tunic and comm. badge; she had long brown hair, brown eyes and large yellow-gold wings grew from her shoulder blades. Most unusual of all was that she was wearing glasses. Nowadays, there was a simple treatment that could cure most ocular ailments. A silver charm around her neck glinted in the lights.
The Doctor recognized her after a moment. She was Lisa, who had been aboard the Enterprise. How could she have experience in predicaments such as his? There was only one way to find out.
"Computer, is there any personality profile on record for her?"
Beep. "Personality profile available."
"All right, input the profile into the program along with any other information on her and activate."
The computer buzzed and beeped and the image of Lisa blinked and the wings relaxed to a more natural position behind her.
She looked at him, seemingly confused. "Hello. Where am I?"
"You're on the holodeck of the starship Voyager. I…need your help."
"Me? Why me?" She seemed to register the look of anguish on his face and frowned, concerned. "Are you all right?"
"No," he said truthfully, and he proceeded to explain his situation. He ended up sitting down again by the end of it. "So," he concluded, "I created you by asking the computer to create someone who understood and had experience with dealing with artificial life forms."
She was sitting next to him. "And your computer made me? Well, that was smart of it."
"Why is that?"
Lisa smiled. "Doctor, do you know who my boyfriend is?"
"I'm afraid I don't. We've been out of touch with Starfleet for four years."
"Huh," she said. "I would've thought it've been common knowledge. Does the name Lieutenant Commander Data ring a bell?"
The EMH thought a moment, then it clicked. "Yes. The android on the Enterprise."
"Right. Because of his emotion chip, we can have a relationship. He's had some ups and downs, too. But, we're not talking about him. You said you needed my help. Tell me what happened again. Every detail. Then I'll see what I can do." At his sorrowful look, she smiled. "Trust me."
So he launched into the tale of the fate of Ensign Jetal. He included Captain Janeway and Lieutenant Torres erasing his memory and the difficulties his program was having in coping with the guilt.
Lisa listened quietly, then said, "Sounds like you need to cry."
"What?"
"You'd be surprised at how much good crying does for a grieving person. It's a way to let all the emotions out. An outlet, if you will. I know you're a hologram, but if you can be guilty and smile and laugh and be sarcastic and everything else, you should be able to cry. Can you cry? Have you ever?"
"Yes. Lieutenant Torres enhanced my emotional subroutines so I could experience an opera."
"Okay, so, you haven't cried from this experience? I would've."
The EMH shook his head. "No…I haven't. I'm programmed to accept the death of a patient with professional detachment. Usually."
"So, you should start there."
"I…I'm not sure how."
Lisa stood up and began to walk around the holodeck, thinking, her wings twitching as she took each step. She turned to look at him after a moment.
"I've found," she said, "that things that remind me of whatever is upsetting me will cause me to cry. Making me think about it."
"I've done nothing but think about it," he replied sarcastically.
"There's the sarcasm. Okay, then. You got the being reminded part. Not working. Do you feel like you want to cry?"
He gave her a blank look. "What does it feel like? I'm afraid I've never analyzed the feeling before."
"I can't speak for everyone, but, to me, I feel congestion in here." She put her thumb and forefinger to her face, pointing to her nasal passages.
"That makes sense," he said. "As the tear ducts and nasal passages are connected."
"Yeah, yeah. I also get a feeling in the eyes."
The EMH looked down. This wasn't working.
"And," Lisa said, walking over to him, "sometimes, all someone needs is a simple act of compassion." She then proceeded to wrap her arms around him in a comforting embrace.
He let out a small gasp of surprise at the gesture, but he accepted it. He put his hands on her arms and sighed, then felt a curious sensation. They were holographic, to be sure, to coincide with the enhancements Lieutenant Torres made, but they were "real" enough: Tears.
So, the holographic doctor cried holographic tears, but it was real enough to him, just as the holographic hug he was in had been real enough to trigger the response.
He sobbed and all the guilt and depression flooded out of him along with the tears.
Lisa tightened her hold around him and he, in turn, tightened his grip on her.
When his tears had finally subsided, he sat there in her embrace for a few more minutes before looking up at her.
"Thank you."
She smiled. "Any time. Feel any better?"
He considered. "Yes. Somewhat. I suppose…I'm going to have to…cope."
"The most important thing to remember is that there was nothing you could've done differently. You had a choice between two people, both equally injured. Both were going to die unless you did something. You only had time to save one and you made a choice: You chose the one you were closer to. Believe me, you aren't the first person to make a decision like that. And you won't be the last."
The EMH simply nodded, still troubled.
She put a hand gently to his face. "Hey, listen, I'm still here. We can still talk about it." She pulled the other chair closer to him and sat down. "I'm not a counselor, but all my guys said I was a great listener."
"Your 'guys'?" he asked, his attention momentarily deviated.
She smiled. "That's what I call all the guys I've had a relationship with. Data included." Her eyes flicked away, then back at him. "When Data first got the chip installed, it overloaded his positronic relay. We were attacked on Amargosa Station and Data was so paralyzed with fear, he couldn't rescue Geordi and he ended up being kidnapped. Data regretted not being able to save him. He was so overwhelmed, he was almost unable to do his duties. Captain Picard made him deal with it. And I helped, of course."
"But Commander LaForge didn't die, did he?"
"No. Data probably would've been in danger of being shut down if that happened."
"Like what happened to me."
"Yeah. So, here you are. Ensign Jetal's dead and you're left confused as to why you let her die. Doctor, you didn't let her die. You made a choice, a choice you had to make, or you'd've lost them both. Your choice wasn't, 'Which one do I kill?', as you put it. It's, 'Which one do I save?'. And your program is running in circles because it can't come to grips with your choice. You've evolved beyond your original program. Things happen that you can't control. You're capable of learning. You're going to have to learn to deal with the situation, because this probably won't be the only time you're faced with a decision like that. What if you're forced to choose between two people you're equally close to? What then?"
The EMH frowned. He hadn't thought of that.
"See?" she asked. "It could've been worse."
He sighed. Yes, it could have been worse. He could have had to choose between two close friends. He could have lost both of them. But, he didn't. One casualty. Just one. Had it not have been Ensign Jetal, it would have been Ensign Kim. One of them had to die for the other to live.
He finally understood. It was the circle of life and death. It had to happen this way.
He gasped softly as the realization hit him. Looking at Lisa, he said, "Yes. Yes, I finally understand."
"Do you?" she asked. "Do you really?"
He nodded. "Yes. It makes sense, now. There was nothing I could have done. Lose one or lose both. It's the way things had to have happened. I…think…I can live with the decision, now. It's been put into perspective."
She knelt so that she was face-to-face with him. "Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that?"
He locked eyes with her for a moment and, finally for the first time since all of this started, smiled. "Yes. Lisa…thank you."
She smiled, too. "All I did was listen and offer my opinion."
"That's what I needed. The opinions of someone who had experience with these situations."
"Well, like I said, your computer was smart to create me. If you ever need me…you know where to find me."
"I'm sorry to have to say goodbye."
"Well, like I said," she repeated, "if you need me, you know where to find me."
He nodded and, this time, he embraced her and he held her for a long time.
Breaking the embrace, he said, "Computer, file program as 'Lisa' and save."
"Bye, Doctor."
"Goodbye, Lisa. Computer, end program."
The End