Rin woke up, feeling well rested. As usually, it was a beautiful day... Except for the dude sitting on her bed.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" She screamed. The boy tilted his head at her and blinked. "I'm not too sure myself... I think I'm Hatsuharu."
"How the hell did you get in here?"
"I crawled in..."
"What the - What the hell are you doing on my bed?"
"I'm homeless..." The boy drawled with a depressed look.
"WE'RE homeless," another smooth voice answered. A young man with grey hair pulled himself through Rin's window.
"NO! Who the hell are YOU?"
"I'm Yuki Sohma."
"Do I know you guys from somewhere...?"
"Not likely," Yuki said in his overly smooth, uncannily ghostly voice.
A knock interrupted their awkward conversation. Rin sat up. "Um..."
Obito's voice called in behind the door. "Rin, are you up? Minato said-"
"Hey, you damn rat! Give me a hand up!" A rougher voice shouted from below the window. Rin leaned over to look. ANOTHER young guy was standing below the window. He was about the same height and build as the others, but he had orange hair and red eyes. He was a creeper.
"With a tone like that, I ought to just let you sit there," Yuki scowled, eyes closed.
Rin looked between Yuki and the door, pale. Behind the door, Obito was silent. Then a huge crash announced his arrival as he snapped through the door and crashed into the room. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?" He screamed.
"I dunno! Ask them! I woke up and this guy-" she gestured to Hatsuharu, "was sitting on my bed! And then this one crawled in through the window after him, and..." she peeked out the window again, "there's ANOTHER guy standing outside. And they're homeless." In her mind, she added, 'What the hell is this shit?'
"NO ONE GETS TO CLIMB RIN'S WINDOW! ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN DO THAT!" Obito shouted, his face strangely... envious.
"Well, then. Why so jealous? You're angry because homeless guys are climbing up my window, while this whole time you've had access to my DOOR? Lame."
Obito turned a strange shade of red and went cross-eyed. At that moment, a sleepy Kakashi stumbled in. "What's going on in here...?" He took one look at Obito's face and cringed. "Are you constipated? You know, I've got medication for that downstairs-"
"I DON'T NEED MEDICATION! I NEED THESE HOMELESS HOBOES TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE!"
"We weren't planning to be a part of it, you psycho," Yuki said in that strange voice of his. Rin tilted her head. Was he a guy...? She wasn't sure.
"No, I mean, if you're uncomfortable about swallowing pills, I have some ointment that'll work too-"
Rin reached over and gave Kakashi such a massive wedgie his underwear came right off. Luckily, his pants remained on. Everyone was shocked into silence - even Kyo, who had no idea what was going on - as they all stared at Kakashi's pink girl panties.
"What the fuck is this...?" Rin whispered in disbelief.
"You... wear panties? That's gross," Obito gagged.
Rin smirked. "Hey, girly guy-"
"MY NAME IS YUKI!"
"That means ice princess, right?" put in Kakashi as he massaged his sore ass.
"-this looks like something you'd wear."
"I do NOT wear girls underwear!" Yuki raged.
Kyo raised his hand. "Actually, I know for a fact that he does."
Obito raised his eyebrows. "Uh, how do you know that...?"
Silence.
Minato barged in. "What's going on in here...?" He faded off into silence as he took in the two strange guys standing in Rin's bedroom.
"These guys climbed in my window." Rin sighed.
"Oh-hoho, really?" Minato elbowed Rin. "Well, who knew you were so popular as to have guys desperate enough to climb in your window!"
"Actually, I think they're homeless." Kakashi admitted.
"Homeless? Really?" Minato turned to the guys.
"Yes." Yuki sighed dramatically. "Shigure... is dead."
There was a moment of heavy silence, then Minato called out, "Hey, you guys want some breakfast?"
"Don't you even care about how Shigure died?" shouted Kyo.
"Nope. Come on, let's have some breakfast!" Minato sang. Rin, Obito, and Kakashi looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "There he goes, inviting homeless people to breakfast again..." sighed Kakashi.
So Hatsuharu and Yuki followed Minato downstairs for breakfast, leaving Kyo to walk all the way around and walk in through the front door. Kakashi and Obito went to get dressed, so Rin quickly showered and made her way downstairs. Near the bottom she paused, taking in the scene. After all, three strange homeless guys eating breakfast at your kitchen table isn't something that happens everyday. If you're normal. She stood there, and finally thought, 'What the hell is going on? This is the weirdest thing ever!'
Hatsuharu looked up at her. "Hey, you want some pancakes?"
Rin looked at him in surprise. "Sure, thanks-"
"Who the hell do you think you are, tryin' to take my pancakes?" Hatsuharu demanded, his voice significantly lower and deadly.
"You offered them to her!" shouted Obito.
"And she didn't ACCEPT THEM!" screamed Hatsuharu.
"Yeah, I did!"
"Don't freak out or anything!" Kakashi panicked.
"You're right... I'll do ONE BETTER!" Hatsuharu flipped the breakfast table over.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" shouted Obito. "You can't just-"
"BREAKFAST FIGHT!" screamed Kyo, and he and Yuki and Minato jumped on Hatsuharu. A major fist and foot fight ensued. The three kids quickly went into the living room.
"God, what is wrong with them?" groaned Kakashi. "Man..."
"We've gotta get them to stop fighting. They'll ruin the kitchen," Obito put in.
"I've got this. Watch." Rin led them back into the kitchen - and abruptly stopped.
Kakashi freaked out. "OH MY GOD!" The four guys were going at it so energetically, no one could tell if they were trying to make out or actually beating each other.
"Look away!" Obito covered his and Kakashi's eyes. Rin groaned and went to the sink. She grabbed a pitcher of ice water and, carefully shielding her eyes, dumped it on them.
The four screamed obscenities as the water drenched them.
"WHO WAS THAT?" Hatsuharu demanded.
"I THINK IT WAS KYO!" Minato yelled.
"DAMN YOU, KYO!" They started to violently beat each other again.
"Stop it!" cried Rin, and she tackled them to break up the fight. But the moment she touched the Sohma guys - they poofed into animals.
"Oh my GOD! What is this?" Rin shrieked. Instead of three strange homeless guys, there was a cow, a cat, and a rat that was flying through the air, dramatically helpless.
"Help me!" The rat squeaked in Yuki's voice.
"I'll save you!" Obito reached forward to grab Yuki - and caught him in too hard a grip.
Yuki went SPLAT!
Now everybody in the room was screaming as Yuki exploded like a squeezed peanut butter and jelly sandwich in Obito's hand. "OH MY FREAKING GOD!" Obito dropped Yuki's body and went over to rinse his hands off. Once everyone had screamed themselves hoarse, Team Minato stood and took a good look at things.
"So we have a cow... a cat... and a dead rat. Interesting." Minato rubbed his chin.
"'Interesting'? You would call this 'interesting'?" exploded Kakashi.
"Naw. Actually... it's pretty 'nice'!" Minato grinned and gave an epic thumbs up. His students looked at each other in annoyance for a long, silent moment.
Then there was another poof, as the dead rat became a human Yuki. Except, he didn't really look like Yuki anymore... Yuki was nothing more than a naked squish on the floor.
With Yuki's mostly crushed, now human, dead body on the floor, mayhem ensued.
Kakashi, Rin, and Obito started to scream, and Obito covered their eyes and squeezed shut his own. Unable to see, Rin trips and falls on the body. "AUGH!"
Minato, whistling, grabs a paper towel and some soap and begins to clean up the blood. It was a total WHAT-THE-FUCK? moment. And Kyo, like the crazy son-of-a-gun he is, started freaking out and running around the kitchen in an insane race. Kakashi reaches out and kicks Kyo into the wall, and Kyo slumps to the ground, unconscious.
"Oh, crap, we need to get rid of the bodies!" Kakashi spazzes.
"Well, hold on a minute!" Rin stops him. "First of all, only Yuki is dead. Hatsuharu and Kyo are still alive, but I don't really mind killing them because this is already so messed up. So just to go against things, we shouldn't kill them."
Minato, done cleaning up the blood, joins them, holding a big butcher knife.
Obito sighs. "Put away the butcher knife..."
Minato goes, "Awww..." and he slumps away.
The three genin stand there for a while, contemplating what to do with the Sohmas, mainly the dead Yuki. Minato finally shares an idea. "Well, there's only one proper way to dispose of such a man's body." Solemnly, wearing a black suit, (don't ask where he got it) he approaches the body. Grabbing a garbage bag, he stuffs Yuki's body in and tosses it in the trash.
"ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU CRAZY?" Obito screams.
"I think so. Why?" replies Minato.
Rin, Kakashi, and Obito look at each other again and groan. "He's hopeless."
Minato rubs his chin Shigure style and goes, "Well... What to do with the rest of them?"
They discuss several different ideas, and finally decide to put Hatsuharu outside on their yard. So they take a rope and lead him outside and tie him to a wooden post and he goes, 'ah, what the hell?' and starts nibbling the grass. Then they take Kyo. Rin has some old dress up stuff upstairs from when she was little, so her and Obito and Kakashi take him upstairs and put some ribbons and nice frilly collars on him. And that is what they do for the rest of the day.
Out of nowhere, Obito looks at Rin and goes, all sexily, "I really like the way you put that clip on Kyo's fur," and Rin goes, just as sexily, "Well, that's not all I can do." And Kakashi looks at them in disgust and says, "Okay, we dressed a guy in bows, crushed one to death, and have the other tied up outside, and you're gonna try out pick up lines on each other? That's just - that's just not on." Rin looks at Kakashi. "Kakashi, shut up." All dejected, Kakashi slumps away. Obito and Rin decide on no-more-flirting for a while.
Everyone goes to bed, Kyo locked in the living room, and Hatsuharu still nibbling contentedly on the grass outside. At about 4:30 in the morning, a knock on the door wakes everyone up. They all go downstairs, and Minato opens the door, his students peeking out from behind him. It's a police officer.
"Is there a problem, officer?" Minato asks.
"Yeah, actually. You mind telling me why you have a naked guy tied up outside your house?"
Minato's like, "No, that's a cow."
"Oh, really? Why don't you come with me?" The police officer leads them over to where Hatsuharu, now human and naked, is laying asleep on the grass, still tied to the post. It's the most disturbing thing ever.
"Oh, I can fix that!" Rin pipes up, and goes to hug him.
"NO, YOU CAN'T HUG A NAKED GUY!" screams Obito.
"Why not?"
"Because... there's only one guy you should be hugging naked," Obito mumbles, all embaressed.
"Well, I've always kind of like Brad Pitt..." Rin thinks out-loud.
"NO, that's not what I meant!"
"What did you mean?" They look at each other. Kakashi clears his throat, and they remember the no-more-flirting thing.
"You mind showing me around the rest of your house?" asks the officer.
"Sure, officer," Minato says, "come on in."
Everyone goes inside, and Minato opens the door to the living room. There is Kyo, lying naked, now human, with all the bows and frills still on him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the police officer asks.
"He was a cat!" Minato argues. "He was a cat!"
The police officer's all like, "What drugs are you on?"
Minato's like, "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"
So, needless to say, Minato gets to go to jail for a while, and Kyo and Hatsuharu make their way back home. Wherever that is. The homeless shelter? A park bench? No one really knows. Obviously, climbing peoples windows is not the best idea for them anymore. So they just - go. The police make them give up Yuki's dead body, and Minato starts to cry. "I'm sorry to see him go..."
Obito says, "That's funny. You didn't seem to have an issue with him getting crushed!"
"But we had so many fond memories...!" Minato begins to sob.
Later that night, Obito and Rin are standing together on the second-story balcony, watching the sunset, the breeze ruffling their hair.
"A lot happened to us today..." sighs Obito.
"Yeah."
Obito's quiet for a moment. "You wanna makeout?"
"Eh... later."
"Okay."
The end.