Kids, I've told you many stories. Some of them are true. Most of them have some kind of life lesson involved. But a few of them, a very few, you'll never get to hear at all. One of them is the story of The Thermos, and it's the one story that I will take to my grave.
#~-
The Goat
Ted wasn't exactly drunk. A couple of shots at MacLaren's counted as Dutch courage. It certainly wasn't enough to impair his judgement. But it was a fact that right up until he said the words "Hey, do you wanna go back to your place" he was pretty sure that everything he was doing was just out of curiosity. Or revenge.
Okay, maybe it was more than revenge. Maybe it was anger.
The problem was that no one in his close circle of friends seemed to understand him, or even agree with him. For the first time in his life, he felt completely out of step with the world. The one time that he really needed to scream and curse and bitch, he knew that he wouldn't get a sympathetic audience. In fact, he felt very much like he had growing up in Ohio, where his parents were in favour of pushing your emotions down, of papering over the cracks. But this time, Ted couldn't do that. The cracks gaped way too wide.
This time, Ted couldn't forgive Barney. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay.
And because he was pushing that down, because he was fighting a war on so many fronts, he'd ended up with a pretty, petite blonde, asking her if she wanted to go back to her place. For sex. He's pretty sure he was clear about that.
And what were these wars that Ted was fighting, you may ask. You may well ask. Aside from his inability to be honest with his friends, Ted was also suffering extreme frustration with Stella, who seemed only to be dating him reluctantly, and didn't seem interested in sleeping with him.
Hence the shots at MacLaren's.
Then there was the final battle. The battle with curiosity. That had all started a couple of days ago when Lily, quite casually, had mentioned:
"Hey guys, you remember that girl Shannon? Barney's Shannon? The one he made that videotape for that time? When he was in college? Well, the other day I saw her again…"
Lily might have gone on to say some other stuff about Shannon, but Ted was already thinking. His mind was already racing, ticking over, calculating scenarios and working out plans. Ted had already leapt to the darkest possible place in his psyche and he was wallowing there.
Because he just had to meet her, this girl. The one who'd broken Barney's heart. In all the time they'd known Barney, this was the only girl who Barney had admitted to having feelings for, who'd actually cheated on him and who'd made him feel real pain. And right now, all Ted felt was pain. The whole thing kind of resonated with him.
So Ted listened to what Lily said and he visited the office where Shannon worked. He visited her at the end of the day (because Barney always said that the end of the day was the best time to pick up slutty secretaries who just want a vodka-cranberry to take the edge off) and he'd flirted.
Ted had flirted and had told himself that it wasn't cheating on Stella. Because Stella wasn't putting out.
And that was drunk-logic if Ted had ever heard it.
#~-
So, this was the girl who broke Barney Stinson's heart?
"Hey," Ted said, trying not to slur, trying not to babble. "Are you Shannon?"
"Oh, hi!" She had replied. And she was really pretty, Ted thought. She really was. He was kind of surprised. Barney's college sweetheart should have aged, maybe. Wasn't she a mom?
Like Stella?
Ted pushed that thought down.
Somehow, Ted wasn't quite sure how, he went from suggesting a drink to sliding one hand up Shannon's blouse.
It was weird how fast that happened.
Ted swallowed, for a moment, like time had skipped over their initial converstion and all the eye contact and the going for drinks and the segue to the bedroom. It was like all of a sudden he was on top of this girl and she was way too needy, like she hadn't been with a man for a very long time. And a part of Ted, the part of Ted where he could just feel future-Marshall lecturing him about all this, that part of Ted was telling him this was a terrible idea.
However, the part of Ted that just hurt so badly, that hated Barney so badly for sleeping with Robin (Robin, the one girl he'd really loved), that part of Ted…
He lost his train of thought somewhere between Shannon's lips and the touch of his fingers on her soft, warm skin.
And then nothing seemed to matter, not even revenge.
#~-
And because Ted was Ted, this wasn't a one-time thing. He tried to rationalise it to himself. He tried to work it out logically. This was supposed to be an eye for an eye. Barney slept with Robin, so Ted had slept with Shannon. It was supposed to bring some sense of balance to the universe.
This was total and utter bullshit, and Ted knew it.
What he should have done was forget about Shannon and never seen her again. What he shouldn't have done was called her, even after three days.
What he shouldn't have done was bring her back to his place, because she'd been standing in the rain waiting for a bus and he'd seen her and felt sorry for her. And when Lily had called to say that she was coming home early and could he order a pizza, Ted shouldn't have put some coffee in a thermos for Shannon and hurried her out of the door.
For some reason, he'd felt like a hypocrite. For some reason, he'd felt like he suddenly had a dirty little secret. Even though Barney deserved this. Even though Barney was way more of a jerk to women than he'd ever been.
But it was that moment, that one stupid moment when he'd pushed that damn thermos into Shannon's cold hands, watching her shivering, seeing the look of confusion in her eyes, that he'd first begun to regret the last month of his life. That was when he'd first begun to wonder if his anger at Barney had ever been entirely justified.
You know what they say? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Ted felt like a huge boulder had dropped right down on top of him and was pinning him to the ground. And he had no way to escape it.
#~-
Miracles
A few months later, when Barney was rehabilitating in St Anthony's after he lost a fight with a bus, Ted was pushing his friend's wheelchair through the hospital corridors when they ran into her.
Shannon.
For a moment, Ted didn't see her. His attention was fully focussed on Barney, on making sure his friend was okay after a brutal round of physio. At first he didn't notice the light touch of a hand on his arm.
And then his heart almost stopped.
"Hey Ted," Shannon smiled and reached out to touch his arm, a gesture that was somehow too intimate, way too relaxed for a random acquaintance. And it was like time slowed down to a crawl. Ted knew that she either hadn't seen or recognised Barney. And he could almost hear the seconds ticking down until she inevitably would. "Wow, I thought that was you." She continued. "Haven't seen you for a while. Always meant to return your thermos. But hey, you never called me…"
Her voice faltered.
Her mouth snapped shut. Then she tilted her head and said "Oh" and took a side step, passing them by, walking away without a backward glance.
And Barney didn't say "So how do you know Shannon?"
And he didn't say "You know that's my Shannon, right? The Shannon."
And he didn't say "So, you banged Shannon?"
Barney didn't have to say anything. For a moment he looked angry, then sorrowful, then resigned. What he did say, in a strange, clipped tone was, "I guess that makes us even."
Ted had absolutely no idea how to respond.
"Although… I am curious about what you did with the thermos," Barney continued, sounding more like himself.
"I gave her some coffee, to go," Ted blurted.
Barney looked up at him, his face still mottled with yellow bruises, but his eyes were cool and clear. Ted knew that Barney didn't expect an apology. They were way beyond apologies.
"Respect," Barney said, and winced as Ted gave him an obligatory fist bump.