There's a knock on the door. I wonder who that would be. It's almost a midnight. I open the door. Cold night air is getting its way inside. My eyes get wide.
"Rox? What the hell?!" The blond stand's there without a jacket or a scarf, just white T-shirt and jeans. He is shivering all over.
"Axel…I…I just couldn't…", he whispers and I know he has been crying.
"Co-come inside", are the only words I manage to say. When he past me, I see fresh scars in his wrists. My heart skips a beat.
We are sitting in the living room. Roxas has wrapped a blue blanket, which I gave to him, over his shoulders, but is still shivering a bit. He has lowered his head and is staring to the floor. I'm staring at him. He looks so small and skinny. I'm wondering if he never eats. But he has always been small…
I have known Roxas about a year now. Good God, has that been so long since we started college?! Anyway, I think he hated me at first and I was thinking he was just a useless brat. As the time went by we noticed we have same friends and same classes to take. So before we even realised it, we have become really good friends. I like being with him and he has said that I'm the only one who makes him smile. That's an achievement 'cos Roxas is the most melancholic kid I've met.
He is still staring the carpet. I rise and go to the CD- player.
"Is there something ya wanna hear?" I ask and take a couple of my CD's from the shelf.
"Something for the mood", he says roughly.
"I have just the right one", I smirk a little and put a CD on.
When the first chords are filling the air, I noticed a quick smile on my friend's lips.
"Green day is the best!" Marluxia said very loudly.
"No, no. David Bowie is the God himself!" Demyx argued.
"You're both wrong! It's The All-American rejects", Riku tried to end the discussion.
"Nooo way! It's Daughtry or Good Charlotte or Avril or…"
"Shut up, Sora!" the tree shouted very friendly to the brunet. Sora just grinned and continued his list.
I was listening the conversation, amused. It was always like that when we get together after the school: those four was arguing what ever the subject was music or the latest biological results for how to rescue Earth from Global warming.
"Wanna make a bet who will win this?" I asked for Roxas who was reading history book. He scanned over the group and then returned for his book.
"I don't gamble", was the short answer. I had got used to that "negative space"-thing Roxas has so I didn't take offense.
"Hmm. I think it would be Sora", I told him my opinion.
"Yhm".
"You wanna know why?" I continued. Roxas sighed and turned to the next page.
"You'll tell me that anyway, so go ahead". A little grin escaped from my lips.
"He always, and I accent the word 'always', gets Riku to his side and HE will stop the arguing between Dem and Marly. Oh, how I wish I had such an authority…" I sighed and glanced at Roxas. There was a little smile and I knew I was the winner.
"So, what's your favourite band?" the blond asked and put his book aside.
"Mine? Oh my! There are so many! But I know what the best song is!" Roxas gave me a look.
"Well?" he was impatient.
"It's, of course, the Zip-A-Dee-Dooh-Dah from Disney's Song of the south! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Zip-a-dee-ay! My, oh my, what a wonderful day? Plenty of sunshine heading my way! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Zip-a-dee-ay!" I started to sing out loud. At first Roxas stared at me like a mad-person, but then he burst out laughing. The other four stopped their new argue about the subject 'what is the next best thing after Gummybears' and stared at us, concerned.
"Zip zip-a-dee-doo-dah day! Doo dah day!
Zip zip-a-dee-doo-dah day!
(man I love this song) Yes sir!"
The last words fade away and so is the faint smile my friend had had on his face during the song. I look at him and say:
"You never told what your favourite band is". Roxas don't have time to answer when the next song begins.
"I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way…"
Roxas smiles a little.
"This", he says. I look at him.
"Linkin Park?" He nods. We fall in silence.
"…Pink cards and flowers on your
window,
Your friends all plead for you to stay…"
I know both of us are waiting the chorus: Roxas has started to hum and I'm drumming my fingers against the table.
"…And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you…"
Roxas has a soft singing voice. It's a bit clearer than mine. I remember that one karaoke-night our gang had. It was then I heard him singing at the first time. We beat even Demyx and Sora up during that night!
"What happened?" my lips ask all of a sudden. Roxas jumps a little and lifts his blue eyes up.
"Why you came? Where's your jacket? It's winter if you hadn't noticed", I hear myself speaking. He wraps the blanket better around him and stares at the floor. He's like a frighten animal. I feel sorry for him, but I have to know.
"Rox, please, tell me. Why you're like this? I won't say a word to anyone!" I promise, though he knows that already.
"I just came to say goodbye", he says.
"…The sun will set for you…"
"Huh? Are you going somewhere?" I ask stupidly.
"It- it just came to me. I had a- a knife and …I- I wasn't able to do it" he stutters. I look at him a horror in my eyes.
"W-what did you do?" I ask and jump up from the chair. Roxas lowers his gaze. I wrinkle my eyebrows.
"Rox, why? Why you even try to do something like that?" Suddenly he lifts his head and looks straight at me. I see unfamiliar anger in his blue eyes.
"Why? 'Why' you ask!" he starts to shout and gets on his feet. The blanket falls to the floor.
"I'm so fucking tired for all of this! There's nothing but black… There's no "sunshine on my way"! No "bluebirds on my shoulder"! Fuck, Axel, there's no one! I'm so tired!"
I'm just staring at him. Yes, Roxas has always been our 'little angst', but I haven't had any idea, things are that bad.
Finally I get my voice back.
"You-you really tried to…kill yourself?"
"And my dog's name is Bingo", he says sarcastically.
"Roxas, you just can't…"
"I can! I can do it and I will show for you all!" he yells with soprano.
Now my fear turns to anger.
"Oh! So that's this all about! You want to "show us"! You want to show that you can! You want us to believe that you can kill yourself! And then we can say: "Oh wow! He really did it! He surely was the bravest man on Earth!"" my voice getting louder and louder.
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" I say and pace to him. I cling to his shoulders and lock my green gaze on him.
"Roxas, you're not alone. You have friends. There's Riku and Sora and the rest of us! There's…there's me". At that he blinks. I continue fast.
"A-and, and they say it will be sunny tomorrow! And I will buy you that bloody 'bluebird' if you want!" Without noticing I have tightened my grip. Now I loose my hands a little, but don't let go.
"Just don't do it, I beg you".
Roxas stares at me and for my relief the fury has gone from his eyes.
"Please, Rox. Say something", I plead, but there's a silence. I'm about to start another speech when he sighs.
"I don't wanna blue bird. I wanna green one", he says heavily. My smile couldn't bee wider and the spur of moment, I throw my arms around his neck. I feel him stretch a little, but then he relaxes.
"You're my best friend, you know that?", I murmur to his shoulder. I can hear the smile in his voice:
"And I think now I have to say the same for you". There's a pause and then I feel his hands on my back and his hair tickling on my ear.
"Thanks", he whispers. I'm tightening my hold.
"No problem".
The CD player has continued a new song:
"You come to me with scars on your wrist
You
tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came
to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I
know it's a lie
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look
me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to
be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms
and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be…"