Summary: The Doctor comes to a past River after the events of Trenzalore.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Doctor Who.
Rating: T+
Pairing: River and Eleven
A/N: This is an A/U story. Running a few events together.
FALLING IN LOVE:
The fire cracked in the hearth in front of the chair in the massive library that was contained in the TARDIS. Sitting in one of the large high backed chairs the Doctor fought to control his breathing. In his lap, all around him, was River; his wife. She was the woman he loved beyond all reason. His hands were at her his, holding on, letting her make love to him. Her hands cupped his face, her forehead rested against his. They were so close they were breathing in the same air in ragged gasps. "River…" The Doctor breathed out bringing his hands up from her hips, up to cup her breasts so that the palm of his hand could feel the beating of her heart; the heart he loved so much and feared losing every time they were together. "My River…" he gasped trying to stave off his release for a little while longer. All he wanted was to feel her, to fall deeper in love with her.
"My… Doctor…" River moaned loudly moving her hands from his shoulders to the top of the chair they were in. There were too many sensations going on; his hands to her breasts, the feeling of him buried deep inside of her, and the feeling off the flames nipping along the flesh of her back. She angled her head, her lips claiming his as she moved faster, rotating her hips in a counterclockwise motion, alternating with a clockwise rotation. They kissed, breaking for small gasps, before ravishing each other again, and all while River kept moving over him. There was a spark, it was growing brighter and brighter with every heated press of their skin together, the way they kissed. River broke the seal of their lips to scream, her back arching from the fire coursing through her; his hands went back to her hips where his finger dug into her heated flesh.
The Doctor rode the tidal force of his release by holding River, his wife, as close as he could. This time, this one time, he screamed with her. He let his voice fill the silence of the library knowing that this may be the last time he would be held by her in the only way a husband and wife could be. Time stopped for them, a perfect moment, a near final moment that he wanted to live in forever if he could. His chest rose and fell in short ragged gasps as he brought his hands up to cup her face, angling her head so that he eyes would lock with his. "My River Song," The Doctor smiled. There were so many emotions he wanted to convey to her, so many words that he knew would be left unsaid, and for this one time he wanted to give them voice so she would know how he felt about her.
River brought her hands back down to his shoulders with a smile, "Shhh…." She rested her forehead to his and continued as best she could, "I know sweetie, I know…" There was no way she was going to let him stumble through his emotions, stammering with his words, when she knew. River just knew. Instead she changed the subject, "Is it my imagination or have we've risen higher than ever before?" She asked in a sultry tone. The passion still coursing through her blood served to intoxicate her, to make her burn for him all over again. Her heart was beating a million miles, her mind was racing with everything they hadn't done this time around. Normally, he would fall out of the sky, they would run, and there would be danger. This time, he showed up out of the shadows, brought her into the TARDIS, and together they made love to each other.
"Oh," The Doctor leaned his head back to rest against the chair, "We rise higher every time." He smiled, adding a little moan when River shifted on his lap. She was moving away from him. Just this one time, he was going to be selfish. "Don't leave me." His arms went around her, holding her in place. "Don't move." The Doctor needed her close. He needed her for as long as he could have her. The look in her eyes told him all he needed to know. River understood him. She kissed him gently and shifted again, this time sitting at his side with her legs draped over his thighs. The Doctor smiled touching her left knee, let his hand slide over her TARDIS blue silk covered thigh. He grasped the edge, bringing it up until the glowing blue covered her torso. River continued to smile at him, her eyes hazy with sleep. He had been around many beautiful woman; Rose, Martha, Astrid, Donna, Sarah Jane, all of them he cared for deeply, yet none of them could compare with River in his eyes.
How could a night be so perfect? River didn't know, and she doubted she ever would. Time was slowing down with her falling further in love with him as he slowly drew the blanket up to cover her. She slid her left arm across his shoulders, behind his neck, and rested her forehead to his chin. River breathed deep, her throat tingling from the rush of air. She hadn't realized that she screamed so loud; having been a screamer with him, only ever for him. He held her so close, so tenderly, while kissing her brow. Looking back up at him, River kissed him, languishing in the slow dance of their lips. She kissed him how she always wanted, the way they were in love. Their passion was once more an ember to glow in the dark, never truly going out. Now, she had the chance to bask in the warm love they shared. River could feel the tattoo of his beating hearts. In this moment they beat for her and her alone. The feel of him brought her back to the start of this evening.
River sat alone on a hill overlooking the latest dig she was on. As always she thought about her Doctor in his TARDIS roaming the galaxy. She smiled writing in her journal, the story of them; all the times they ran, all the times they loved. When he came to her, she never knew when or where they would be in the time stream, he would have a smile for her and she knew she was where she belonged. River paused in her writing to listen to the silence, to the quiet consuming the camp down below her. Night would soon be upon them. Many would be sleeping, or carousing, or off having liaison's while River watched the sky. As always she listened for that telltale wheezing/groaning of the TARDIS. Just as she turned the page, a fresh page to continue her story, she heard it. A wide smile came to her lips. River got up and turned the moment the TARDIS materialized. The doors opened revealing the only man in the universe that she could ever love. The Doctor. "Hello sweetie." She greeted, her heart racing, her mind awash with so many ideas as to where they would go.
"River Song," The Doctor set foot out of his TARDIS momentarily forgetting the Clara was right behind. River was the only person he could see, the only person he wanted to see. There she was, in front of him, standing in front of the setting sun. She was glowing as bright as any star his old eyes would ever see. He was doing the one thing he swore he never would; he was searching her out so he could see her one more time. Though, how many 'One More Time' would he do before letting River go? Too many for even the Doctor to count. All he knew was that he needed to hold his wife in his arms. Leaving Clara at the doors, the Doctor went straight for River, his long legs eating up the distance between them in long stride. Before she said anything he pulled her close, his lips sealing over hers. Her echo hadn't been enough, not with the good-bye. No, he needed River. He would always need her. She reacted to him, gasping, and then bringing her arms around him. No one had seen him kiss his wife goodbye.
Clara stood in the open doorway of the TARDIS trying not to watch the Doctor and River Song in the last light of the setting sun. He had walked right up to her, his hands going to her face, and he pulled her into one of the deepest kisses Clara had ever seen. It was rife with emotion, with passion, and with the most sought after emotion; love. She had never seen a love like there's. It was mad and complicated, and out of order. Yet the Doctor loved her. He had married her. Now Clara could see why. They were made for each other, neither one complete on their own. With a smile, Clara stepped back inside the TARDIS, left the control room, going down to the kitchen to attempt for the millionth time to make one of her mother's soufflé's.
River tried to keep ahold of reality when all around her was crashing down except for the feel of the Doctor's lips upon hers. Something in his kiss conveyed sadness, heartache, and need. Knowing him as well as she did, she broke the kiss and looked at him, searching for the truth in his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong." River ordered gently, her voice barely above a whisper. "Sweetie, what's happened? Where are we?" She could see that something had devastated him, something had torn his hearts in two; again. The last time he had been in this state, her parents had just been taken by the Weeping Angel.
The Doctor knew he could never tell her what just happened between them, how he had to say goodbye to her. "We are where we're supposed to be." He breathed out. "I'm with you, just as I want to be." The truth of his words felt like a weight being lifted from his shoulders. Sometimes he would joke that River was his 'Bespoke Psychopath', but in truth she was his wife. She was the woman he loved. Seeing her echo, hearing her voice again, talking to her had made him realize how much time they had missed out on. Being here, being with her was his way of adding to her history. "I want to hold my wife in my arms." To show her how serious he was he did just that. The Doctor slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "I want my wife."
River drew her arms up and over his shoulders, her hands cupping the back of his head. "Then hold me for however long you want sweetie." She placed her lips to his, letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere. "You've always had me." River assured him when she leaned her head back. "And I will always be here." She said passionately. The look in his eyes cut her through the heart. It was anguish, it was torment, and it was loss. "Will you tell me what happened?" He closed his eyes, his brow resting against her. When he drew in a breath, his chest shook with effort. "Oh sweetie," River breathed out holding him as close as she could. "Tell me…"
"Spoi…lers," The Doctor could hardly speak her favorite word without his voice breaking. All he could do was hold her, let his hearts beat against her chest. He needed the feel of River, alive and breathing, against him. He needed her body to wash away the events of Trenzalore. "Come with me back to the TARDIS," The Doctor cupped River's face as he begged her with his eyes to come home with him. Until this moment he never realized how he loathed the fact he and River were always traveling further and further apart.
"Are we going on an adventure? Are we going to run?" River asked daring not to hope for what she truly wanted. She wanted nothing more than the press of her husband, the kiss of his lips, and the light in his eyes when he smiled at her. What she wanted more than anything was to be with her husband as they found new ways to love each other.
"No," The Doctor answered managing to call back some of the pain that was always in his eyes. "I want you, as you are my greatest adventure." He finished. Tonight he wanted the intimacy of flesh pressed to flesh. He wanted to feel every beat of her heart against his chest. He wanted to see her eyes darken with passion. The Doctor wanted to make love to his wife, to his precious River Song. Resting his forehead to hers, the Doctor whispered with the last light of the setting sun, "Make love with me River."
The Doctor watched the crackling fire with River still in his arms. His left arm was across her back and his right arm was draped over her legs, the tips of his fingers drawing odd shapes on her sheet covered flesh. Seeing the echo of River at Trenzalore had made him realize that he couldn't continue on without letting her know how he felt. "River," He began drawing her attention. "I'm not good at saying things, even when I do nothing but talk, I'm not really saying anything." She opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head silencing her. "I can't let you leave with the words unsaid. I love you, River Song; Melody Pond." The Doctor kissed her forehead and then repeated. "I love you with all the strength of my two hearts."
River started to cry as she made her reply. "Oh, sweetie, I love you too." Sitting up she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held him. Even as he told her how he felt, after all these years, she still felt her heart breaking. River knew, because of their lives, this would be the last time that she would ever hear those words fall from his lips. She pulled back adding, "You know how to hurt me because I know this will be the last time I will ever hear those words from you." The Doctor opened his mouth to say something and River stopped him. "Your future is my past. Your firsts are my lasts. Always will be."
"My sweet River," The Doctor kissed her gently. "I couldn't go on without telling you exactly how much you mean to me, how much I hate letting you go. I hate watching you walk away, not knowing if I will ever see you again." He closed his eyes seeing her as she had appeared to him, an echo. Tears welled up in his eyes when he looked at her again. "After the events of today, I need you now more than ever." This time, he was following rule number one. Rule one: The Doctor Lies. He couldn't tell River that he had just come from Trenzalore, that he had seen her echo, and that he had said goodbye to her. That would break his hearts more than watching the Ponds be taken by the Weeping Angel. "I've been reminded of the one moment in time when I wasn't the Doctor." His voice broke allowing him to show the true depth of his guilt over burning his planet.
River sat up straighter, her ankles touching his warm naked thigh under the silk sheet. Angling her body so that he could cup his face, she didn't notice when the top of the sheet fell from her torso. She knew that he spoke of the Time War, when he was the War Doctor. "Tell me." River whispered. This was another first for him. He was talking about a time when he stopped the Daleks, but also killed his own people. Having this knowledge about him, never diminished the bright light he was to her. He was still her Doctor, the man she loved, and the man she knew she would die for. "What happened?"
"I tried to save Gallifrey." The Doctor admitted letting the tears fall again. "I wasn't alone in trying to change to my history…." His words died off. He was trying to remember, but it was hard, so very hard. "I think Ten was there, and him…" The Doctor whispered the last word. Replacing the guilt was deep shame. In a single breath the Doctor said again, "He was there." He took a moment to draw in a deep breath, to calm himself. River held him, remained silent as he spoke. "I tried to save my planet, River. I tried to change my past. Every single time I set foot out of this TARDIS I defy the laws of Space and Time." Wrapping his arms around her, he leaned River back until her back was touching the arm rest of the large chair they were in. "I never want to let you go."
River caressed his face fighting her tears, but failed. She sniffled, "Our lives are back to front…"
"I can change that." The Doctor stated.
"Don't you dare," River ordered. "Not those time, not one line of our lives."
"Don't you want more time with me?" He asked in a small voice with the tumult of emotion washing through him like a tsunami.
"You know I do…." River kissed him to stop him from talking and to stop herself. She held him, kissed him, poured all of the love she had into him. He was hurting and River knew that she could soothe some of the hurt.
The Doctor broke the kiss to say, "You're the first woman I've loved completely." To show her what he meant, his ran his right hand down her side and to her thigh. "I haven't allowed another's touch to be this intimate before you River." The Doctor could freely say he loved River with both of his hearts.
"Yours is the only touch I live for." River replied. She had had other lovers, but none compared with her Doctor. The men she had taken were only there to scratch the itch. Being together was another first, another last. River gained so much today as she was losing a great deal more.
"Then stay here with me." The Doctor was being selfish, asking this of the woman he had taken as his wife. He knew, living the kind of life he did, he wasn't always meant to have people in his life for long, but River was different. She was part Time Lord. Then again, the universe owed him. The universe owed him River Song. "I just want to be with you." He said.
"Though all of Time and Space." River said not knowing if she was making the single greatest choice in her life, or the worst mistake ever. There was something in the way that he touched her, the way that he kissed her that told her that, to him, her life was already gone. Just this once, she wasn't going to ask. This time, she was going to be as selfish as he was and stay with him.
A FEW HOURS LATER:
The Doctor went back to watching the flames of the fire while River napped in his arms. He made sure to hold her tight, but loose enough that she could sleep in peace. Keeping one hand tangled in her mass of curls, his other hand, his fingers splayed, on her thigh. As long as River stayed with him, the worst of his demons kept away. She brought light into his life. The Doctor heard the soft whoosh of air as the door to the Library opened. He knew he should wake River, to have them hide behind one of the massive bookshelves to get dressed, but the only other inhabitant of the TARDIS was Clara. Being seen like this, with River in his arms, would normally be cause for embarrassment, but because it was River, he stayed where he was.
Two hours ago Clara had given up on making her mother's soufflé. The last one was too beautiful to live so she chucked it in the bin before making a pot of tea. Her intention was to go to the Library, to curl up on the sofa and read. Grabbing what she needed Clara made her trek from the kitchen to the cavernous library. When she opened the doors she heard a fire crackling and saw shadows casting funny shapes on the walls and on the books. She had just set the tray down, moving closer to the fireplace. It was then that she saw the Doctor and the woman who was his wife. She was asleep, but he was wide awake and smiling one of his secretive smiles at Clara. "Oh, my god…." She turned her back, her intent to leave. Then she stopped moving and looked back at the Doctor. "Hang on, you two have been in here for hours." Clara stated out of pure amazement. She hadn't had a date that lasted as long.
The Doctor tried not to shrug. If he did that then he would wake River and he knew his wife needed the sleep. "Has it been hours?" He asked and then arched his brow. "I didn't realize that much time had slipped by." Spending this much time with River, when no one was trying to shoot at them, trying to kill them, or they were the cause of time nearly being destroyed, he forgot that when he was with River time could slow down for him. "What have you been doing on this time?" He asked lightly.
"Making soufflé's. " Clara answered, "But, they were too beautiful to live."
"Chucked them in the bin did you?" The Doctor asked.
"Definitely." Clara chuckled careful not to raise her voice. "Should I leave you alone?" She asked seeing that this was such an intimate moment for him and River. "I'm going to leave." This time when Clara turned towards the door, she didn't stop.
"She seems sweet," River said, her words slurring slightly. She had woken when the door opened. River had only been lightly dozing in the space between wakefulness and true sleep. She remained still as she listened to her Doctor and his new companion joke. At least her love wasn't traveling alone. He never did well by himself.
"I thought you were sleeping?" The Doctor asked angling his head to see River. He was trying to hold tight to the feeling of contentment that he only ever had when he was with River. Knowing her fate as he had when he saw her again didn't prevent him from falling in love with her. Simply, he couldn't help his hearts being lost to her. She was everything he wanted.
"Not really," River replied in no hurry to sit up. "I haven't slept much in years." She added turning her gaze to watch the fire that had yet to die down. There was a shift between them, subtle, but it was there. River could feel herself pulling away from him; making it easier to walk out the door should she need to. She had to remind herself that they were never meant to have a normal life.
"Another curse of being part Time Lord," The Doctor muttered. In days gone by when the Ponds still resided in the TARDIS, while they slept the word was still going on around him. His mind had pulled him in several different directions; most of the path's leading him right to River. Then a terrible realization settled inside of him. "You're going to leave, aren't you?"
"I don't want to." River responded moving from his embrace. She stood up, holding the sheet to her body while he remained where he was. "I want more than anything to be here, but that is not our fate." She had to be the adult; she had to be the rational one even as it was breaking her single heart to do so. "Leaving you is always the hardest thing I do."
The Doctor stood up from the chair where he and River had been content for so many hours to stand in front of his wife. "Then don't leave." He demanded. "The universe owes us River. You and me. Time and space. We deserve to have a life together with moments heading the right direction." For her, he would fight.
Turning from him, River kept him from seeing the agony in her eyes, "I held all of Time at my mercy just so I wouldn't have to kill you." Tears tracked down her cheeks. "How can I stay knowing what harm I could be doing to my time line?" She was clinging to flimsy excuses, trying to keep her resolve to leave, and to not be selfish.
The Doctor slipped his arms around her waist, his chest pressed to her back, and in her ear he whispered, "How can you leave knowing that my old hearts are breaking?" A shudder racked her body and bled into him. His River was trying to keep her emotions locked down, but being with him, his arms around her, had torn down all of her walls. Slowly he sank with her to the floor and held her close. The Doctor rocked back and forth with River in his arms. He refused to lose another person he cared for. He refused to lose the woman he loved.
"How can I stay?" River asked again through the flood of her tears. There was nothing more in this vast complicated universe that she wanted more than to remain with her Doctor.
"How can you leave?" The Doctor repeated. He had her with him; this time the universe would bend to his will and let him keep her. Even though he knew what would happen, he didn't care. All he wanted was River. Sooner or later though, she would have to go to the Library. It was a fixed moment in time. The Doctor was destined to lose his wife.
River stopped crying tears that had longed desired to be shed; for her fate, for her parents, and for the love she could never remain with for long periods of time. Looking at him she saw the true weight of his sorrow. He was showing her what he was really feeling, how tormented he was to know that at any time he could lose her. She knew what the look was. "I'm dead aren't I?" River's voice was just a breath of air, hardly a whisper.
"River…" The Doctor knew he couldn't tell her. He had to remain silent about what had happened on Trenzalore.
"Don't lie to me." River stated. She could feel it He was preparing to lie to her. "If I deserve that one thing from you, it's not to be lied to."
The Doctor sighed, sat back resting against one of the legs of the table that held numerous books. River was right, she deserved the truth, and he was going to give it to her. "I…" he licked his lips trying to gather the words. "I was at Trenzalore." The Doctor sighed. "Clara was there; Jenny, Vastra, and Strax as well. A man I had met; Dr. Simeon, he held them hostage trying to get me to reveal my true name." This time he closed his eyes, bent his knees, and rested hugged his knees to his chest. The pain of seeing River's echo, of saying goodbye was still too fresh. It was an open wound that wasn't going to heal. "Even as I knew it would hurt me, you were there too. You're echo was there River. On Trenzalore I kissed you goodbye for the last time."
River said nothing as she moved to him. She rested her cheek on his knee letting the weight of his words sink in. This Doctor, the version of him that had made love to her, that had told her he loved her, had come to her with the grief of her death fresh upon his heart. She knew what his sorrow felt like. River had lived with years knowing that she had killed him, that she had stopped time to save his life. On the shore of the lake in Utah, her younger self had to watch as the man she loved was killed. Nothing that happened to her was ever simple, or easily explained, or completely able to be lived with. Yet, River somehow managed to survive longing for the days she would see her Doctor, for the days they would run, for the smallest hint that he knew who she truly was to him, or the tender look of love in his eyes for her.
"What do we do River? What do I do?" The Doctor asked. As much as he fought, as he wished for things to be different, knowing that River would have to leave settled in his chest returning to him the weight of his guilt that he couldn't save her upon their first meeting on the day she died saving him. River was always saving him; she was always the one he trusted more than he trusted any of his companions. River knew all about him.
"We go on as we always do; stealing moments together." River answered. The choice was made, removed from their hands long ago. She would leave in the morning. He would disappear in his TARDIS to go on one more adventure while she hoped to see him again. Many nights she had wished for another life, one where she could flow in the same direction as her Doctor, but then again, if she had such a life would it be half as fun or exciting at the one she lived? No, this life suited her.