Cheryl once again did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. I saw an infamous interview with a certain CEO recently. Then I thought, I know who can top that!
Interview With a Tunt
"I'm sorry Cyril," Lana blinked. "You want to do what?"
"Things Cyril used to say during date night," Ray quipped.
"You know…?" Cyril and Lana glared at him. They were in Cyril's office.
"To be fair that was a good one," Krieger was also in Cyril's office.
"I think it wouldn't be a bad idea if one of us was there while Cheryl was being interviewed by Jaguar Financial Network," Cyril said. "You know? To try and reign her in."
"Why does a TV station want to interview Cheryl?" Lana asked.
"Uh besides the fact that she's a freaking billionaire who owns half the trains in this country?" Krieger asked. "And the fact that she used to be a huge country music star?"
"Who committed arson on national TV," Ray added. "How she got off that rap I'll never know."
"I heard her company bought the station," Krieger explained. "And like paid a lot of money to a lot of people to get her off."
"Phrasing," Ray grinned. "Technically nobody saw her light the fires. They only saw the set being on fire."
"How did nobody see her do it?" Lana asked.
"Remember how they cut to the announcer right before the end of the interview?" Ray asked. "Apparently any tapes that were made of the whole incident were burned in the fire."
"And Ms. Archer called in like a bunch of favors so…" Krieger shrugged.
"You can see why I would want someone there right?" Cyril said to Lana.
"Sadly, I do," Lana groaned. "Someone needs to go there and make sure she doesn't do anything reckless and stupid."
"You mean like smoking a blunt and drinking hooch on live TV?" Ray snorted.
"Pretty much yeah," Cyril sighed.
"To be fair I don't think anything Cheryl could do would be dumber than that," Ray shrugged. "I mean she'd do that. But I don't think she'd do anything dumber than that."
"She once set a person on fire on live TV," Lana gave him a look.
"I stand corrected," Ray winced.
"When is this interview?" Lana asked.
"Well Pam said it was today when she and Cheryl left earlier," Krieger spoke up. "I think it's around noon!"
"You mean those two idiots already left?" Lana shouted.
"You just let Pam go with Cheryl?" Cyril shouted. "And you're just mentioning this now?"
"Was I supposed to?" Krieger frowned, clearly confused.
"I'd hit him," Lana groaned. "But I don't want to damage what few brain cells he has left. What time is it?"
"Noon," Ray sighed. "Better turn on the TV." He went for the remote for the television screen in Cyril's office.
"Why can't we just go to the station?" Cyril asked.
"Because unless Krieger has a teleportation machine," Ray explained as he turned on the TV. "There's no way we can make it to the station on time!"
"I wish," Krieger sighed. "Then again…"
"NO KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted. "No teleportation machines!"
"WHY NOT?" Krieger shouted. "You never let me have any fun!"
Cyril glared at him. "That's because your idea of fun usually involves a cadaver and some jumper cables."
"And sometimes Rush music," Krieger added.
"Quiet!" Lana said. "It's starting!"
Ray paused. "Well at least she's not smoking a joint."
"This isn't exactly better!" Lana snapped.
"Hello," A handsome blond-haired man in a blue suit spoke on camera. "I'm Harper Ellis host of Bulls Verses Bears. Today with me is the CEO and owner of the Tunt Corporation. Cheryl Tunt."
"Hey!" Cheryl giggled as she was playing around with some office glue.
"Put that down Glue-ia Roberts!" Pam shoved the glue out of her hand. "Put this in your hand!" She gave her a bottle of scotch. "It's classier!"
"Right," Cheryl nodded. "Save the glue sniffing for the commercial breaks!"
"Uh excuse me," Harper blinked. "Who is this? Who is she?"
"My personal adviser," Cheryl grinned. "Pam Poovey."
"O-kay," Harper blinked. "Let's start with my first question."
"Yes, you can have sex with me," Cheryl grinned. "As long as you let Pam watch."
"Bow-Chicka Wow Wow!" Pam whooped.
"It wasn't that," Harper blinked.
"Lame," Cheryl groaned.
"Aww man," Pam groaned.
"This is about your failed Tunt Motors division," Harper explained.
"Huh?" Cheryl was confused.
"When your company tried to dabble in the automobile industry," Harper explained. "And you told the world about how flawed your product was."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Cheryl blinked.
"He means the car you drove that caught on fire," Pam told her.
"Which car that I drove caught on fire?" Cheryl asked.
"The one where you ran over a robot dog!" Pam snapped.
"Oooh! That car that caught on fire!" Cheryl realized. "Yeah that car was a piece of BLEEP! I mean it was really fast and it made a really good fire. But other than that, it wasn't worth much."
"Robot dog?" Harper blinked.
"Don't ask," Pam sighed.
"So, you were being honest to your investors?" Harper suggested to Cheryl. "You wanted to tell the world because you didn't want your company to be responsible for multiple fatalities?"
"Damn it! I didn't even think of that!" Cheryl realized. "I just said it because I thought it would be funny to see that part of the company tank. And to get the head of the Tunt Motors in trouble. He was a douche. What was his name again?"
"It doesn't matter," Pam shrugged as she drank from the scotch bottle.
"Hang on," Harper asked. "You tanked your own company and cost your corporation millions, maybe billions of dollars…For a joke?"
"Yeah!" Cheryl laughed. "That was kind of funny. All those executives and workers crying. Wahhh! I lost my job! Wahh! I lost my golden parachute! Whahhh! My family will have to go on welfare! HA HA HA!"
"You do realize that kind of attitude is what inflames organizations like the Occupy Wall Street Movement?" Harper asked.
"She knows it," Pam explained. "Doesn't care."
"Plus, when my company's headquarters in downtown LA burned down I got like a BLEEP load of money so what do I care?" Cheryl shrugged. "Probably by a disgruntled employee. Notice there's never a gruntled employee?"
"Let me see if I get this straight," Harper asked. "You could lose millions of dollars and it doesn't matter to you?"
"Not really," Cheryl said. "I can always make more. Or print more. Whatever. I'm a Tunt Legacy. I'm always gonna be rich."
"Riiiight," Harper paused. "Let's move onto another question."
"Please do," Cheryl said. "Because that last one was boring!"
"I got a question," Pam spoke up. "What the BLEEP was that noise?"
"What noise?" Harper asked.
"That noise just now," Pam said. "What the BLEEP was that? There it is again!"
"We have a five second delay for inappropriate content," Harper explained. "This is a daytime show."
"What the BLEEP was inappropriate you BLEEP?" Pam asked.
"They might want to change that to a ten second delay," Ray quipped as they watched.
"Or get the backup bleep button ready," Lana added.
"Can we move on to the next question?" Harper asked.
"It's your show," Cheryl shrugged as she took a drink of scotch.
"You've gathered quite an interesting reputation," Harper said. "For doing interesting things."
"Well I always try new things," Cheryl said. "That's why I did that sex robot."
"Actually, I was talking about…" Harper did a double take. "Sex robot?"
"It was a lot better than I thought it would be," Cheryl grinned. "And it could really do a good job choking you!"
"O-kay…" Harper blinked. "But I was referring to that one year when you were a country music singer and adopted the stage name Cherlene."
"I did what now?" Cheryl blinked.
"She really doesn't remember anything from that time," Pam told him. "I think she was doing a bit too much coke back then."
"You were the one addicted to coke!" Cheryl said. "I don't remember much but I remember that!"
"You took quite a few hits yourself back then," Pam said.
"Not as much as you Coke-y Monster!" Cheryl said. "I prefer Groovy Bears. Or LSD breath strips. Or whatever pills I can find."
"You're admitting you take drugs for recreation?" Harper blinked.
"All the time!" Cheryl said. "It is so much fun to be high."
"Don't worry she never drives," Pam said. "Except for the time she drove that car in the business expo. The one that caught on fire."
"Let's cut to commercial, shall we?" Harper said quickly. "And as we leave we can see the Tunt Corporation stock on the screen…Which is now going down twenty points…We'll be right back!"
"I could go for some baby back ribs," Pam spoke up.
"When do you not?" Cheryl giggled. "Actually, ribs do sound pretty good. Yo! Ellis! Got any ribs?"
"Send out for some ribs," Pam said as the show went to commercial. "Some ribs would be BLEEP-ing awesome!"
To say the Figgis Agency was stunned was an understatement.
"Well," Ray remarked. "Let's see. Cheryl admitted to destroying millions of jobs on a whim. As well as using coke and other drugs. Sniffing glue and drinking alcohol on camera. Swearing on camera. Admitting to having memory problems due to drug and alcohol abuse. Admitting to having sex with a robot. And propositioning the host of the show. And that was just the first half of the interview."
"We need to call them and tell them to stop the interview!" Cyril begged. "I don't want to think about what will happen in the second half!"
"I'm calling her," Ray used his phone. The sound of another phone ringing was heard. "What the…?" He went to investigate.
"She didn't," Lana groaned.
"She did," Ray picked up Cheryl's phone on her desk.
"Then call Pam's phone then!" Cyril snapped.
"Good idea," Ray called the phone. Then another phone ringer went off.
"Don't tell me…" Lana groaned.
Ray picked up Pam's pocketbook and took out her phone. "Okay. I won't tell you."
"What are the odds those two idiots both forgot their phones?" Lana was exasperated.
"Those two?" Krieger scoffed. "One to one!"
"What do we do now?" Cyril asked.
"I have a plan," Ray went over to the bar and took out some scotch.
"Works for me," Krieger said as he went to the bar.
"That's not a plan, Ray!" Lana snapped.
"Well then you come up with a plan!" Ray snapped as he poured the drinks.
"It's starting again," Krieger pointed to the screen.
"Welcome back to Bulls Vs. Bears," Harper was on screen again. "I'm Harper Ellis on with Tunt Corporation CEO Cheryl Tunt."
"Hello!" Cheryl giggled. She had now taken off her blouse and was wearing a blue bra. She also was taking a swig out of a bottle of scotch.
"And her associate…" Harper blinked. "Pam Poovey."
"Damn it's hot as balls in here," Pam said. She was also in her bra drinking.
"Make mine a double," Lana groaned.
"Hey sex sells!" Pam said. "And let's face it Harper, these business shows are mostly a snooze fest."
"She's right," Cheryl said. "You need a little sex and sizzle to jazz up your ratings."
"Trust me," Harper said with a straight face. "People are going to be talking about this interview for a long time. Let's talk about more of your business strategies, shall we?"
"Ugh! Boring!" Cheryl groaned. "Pam do you have any LSD breath strips in your purse?"
"I forgot my purse at the agency," Pam said. "BLEEP that means I drove here without a license!"
"That's okay," Cheryl waved. "You're just driving my limo. It'll be fine."
"Let's go to the next question, shall we?" Harper sighed. "Ms. Tunt recently you were involved in a counter protest against LA's anti-fur law? And you are part of an organization called HOOF?"
"Hands Off Our Furs," Cheryl said. "Which was started by Ms. Mallory Archer. Basically, because she didn't want to buy last year's furs."
"Not that she can afford them now anyway," Pam interjected.
"I admit I went along with it for two reasons," Cheryl said. "One the Tunt Corporation owns twenty percent of the entire fur industry. So that's more money in my pocket if you get my drift?"
"Mo'Money! Mo'Money! Mo'Money!" Pam whooped.
"And B," Cheryl added. "I knew it was gonna end up in a complete and total disaster! And there was no way I was going to miss another one of Ms. Archer's schemes blowing up in her face!"
"Who exactly is this Mallory Archer?" Harper asked.
"Just the bitch I've been working for these past…" Cheryl paused. "I want to say ten years. It can't be that long can it?"
"Time flies when you're high," Pam said.
"Hang on," Harper asked. "You said you were working for her?"
"As a secretary," Pam said.
"Hang on again," Harper blinked. "You. Cheryl Tunt. One of the richest women in the world. Works as a secretary?"
"She doesn't work that hard," Pam shrugged.
"Honestly I only took the job just to get out of the house and away from my parents," Cheryl shrugged. "And as much of a bitch Ms. Archer is at least I'm not related to her. And it's fun to screw with her. Mostly because she's a crazy old whore."
"To be fair I don't think she sleeps around as much as she used to," Pam pointed out.
"Duh!" Cheryl scoffed. "Because she's so old nobody wants to!"
"I have a new plan," Ray spoke aloud. "We grab whatever cash we can get. Burn down the agency for insurance money. Take off to Belize, change our identities and open a bar on the beach."
"That is a good plan," Cyril admitted as he took a drink.
"Tell us more about the Tunt Corporation," Harper said quickly.
"Well you know? There's not that much to tell," Cheryl shrugged. "My Great Great Grandfather Cornelius Tunt built all the BLEEP-ing railroads in this country. And in one or two others. And half of them in Australia. Before the family got kicked out for being too crazy and violent. I think I still have some cousins running around there. Under a different name of course so they wouldn't end up being deported."
"I see," Harper said. "What other enterprises besides the railroad and fur industry does the Tunt Corporation engage in?"
"Well hotels obviously," Cheryl said. "I mean who hasn't heard of the Grand Tuntmore? Or the Grand Tuntwood? The Tuntmore Towers?"
"Pretty much any building with the name Tunt in it is hers," Pam explained.
"We have a few mines here and there," Cheryl waved. "Coal, diamonds, gold. You name it. We also own a lot of spas and restaurants."
Pam spoke up. "Like Happenings in downtown LA! Come to Happenings! Where it all happens!"
"Oh yeah!" Cheryl said. "Thanks Pam! We also own of course a few shipping lanes. Which were holdovers from when the Tunts were in the slave trade business. But since that business dried up we went on to shipping other things. Like opium. And heroin. Until those became illegal. Now we just do boring stuff like cheap plastic BLEEP from China that's filled with chemicals that can poison everyone."
"You realize you just admitted that your company profited off the pain and misery of African Americans, right?" Harper was shocked.
"Yeah mine and every other company out there!" Cheryl snorted. "You think the alcohol companies care about civil rights? The soda industry? The cigarette companies? Hell, the cigarette companies actively target lower income minority neighborhoods more than any other demographic knowing that their product kills people! The only difference between those other companies and mine is that I'm honest about what we did. Nowadays the Tunt Corporation doesn't care about BLEEP like that. All we care about is how much money we can make no matter what person's race he or she is. Or however else they self-identify."
"It's more of a class issue than a race issue," Pam added.
"Exactly," Cheryl nodded.
"I see…" Harper asked. "Ms. Tunt…What exactly do you do as the head of the Tunt Corporation?"
"Oh, I don't really do that much," Cheryl waved. "I just let my board of directors run the company and I just rake in the cash."
"Huh," Harper then noticed something. "And now the stock for your company has just jumped up two hundred percent."
"Is that good?" Pam asked.
"It's not bad," Harper asked.
"Like I said I don't really pay attention to that BLEEP or even care about it," Cheryl waved. "I've been hanging out at the Figgis Agency mostly for BLEEP and giggles. And glue. I get lots of glue there."
"What exactly is the Figgis Agency?" Harper asked.
"It's supposed to be a detective agency," Pam explained.
"But the only clues we can find are what time the bars are open!" Cheryl quipped. "So, Harper are you single?"
"Yeah are you?" Pam asked.
"Uh actually…" Harper coughed. "I'm kind of seeing someone right now. Can we just keep talking about your company? What kind of business model do you see the Tunt Corporation…"
Cheryl made a raspberry. "LAME!"
"Come on man!" Pam said. "Stop avoiding the issue here! Why don't you want to have a threesome with us?"
"Okay I feel like this interview is starting to get out of control," Harper was exasperated.
"Starting?" Pam snorted as she took a drink of scotch.
"I know right?" Cheryl laughed as she took the bottle from Pam. Finished the bottle and threw it against the wall. "WHOOO!"
"Hey watch it!" Harper shouted.
"You watch it!" Cheryl shouted back.
"I just want to know what your vision for the Tunt Corporation is for the future!" Harper asked.
Chery looked at him. "The only vision I have is getting a BLEEP load of cash, using it to party and buy me things. Get laid and party until I get old and then have to have a couple of BLEEP-ing bastards so I'd have an heir. Which I don't want to do because I hate BLEEP-ing babies. They are little disgusting germ carrying BLEEP!"
Harper looked at Cheryl. "Some people shouldn't have children!"
"I know Ms. Archer shouldn't have," Cheryl laughed. "She's such an old whore!"
"Oh my god!" Pam said. "I just thought of a great business idea! Cheryl! You should get into the cannabis business! That would be the BLEEP!"
"You think?" Cheryl asked.
"BLEEP yeah!" Pam said. "I mean think of it! If all those other companies like Coke could look into it why not you?"
"I would definitely like to be on quality control of that business," Cheryl giggled.
"Me too!" Pam said. "Man, we could get paid to get wasted!"
"We do that every day!" Cheryl laughed. "Hey Harper wanna get wasted with us?"
"Not right now," Harper sighed. "Oh, look the stock of your company has just dipped thirty percent again."
"Oh my God!" Cheryl groaned. "You sound like my stupid board of directors!"
"Sounds like you're bored of your directors!" Pam quipped. "Get it?"
"Okay we're done here," Harper sighed. "This is Harper Ellis…"
"Hey! Who said you could stop?" Cheryl snapped.
"We're out of time!" Harper snapped.
"No, we're not," Pam pointed. "You got like fifteen minutes dude."
"What are you trying to do?" Cheryl snapped. "Give me the bum's rush?"
"Try rushing this bum!" Pam stood up and wiggled her underwear clad butt.
"Yeah shake it!" Cheryl waved and started dancing around.
"Okay that's enough of that!" Harper snapped.
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped at him.
"Just put the camera on me!" Harper groaned as the camera swung to him. "Again, this is Harper Ellis of Bulls Vs. Bears with… OH MY GOD!"
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed as a chair was on fire.
"Cheryl you BLEEP!" Pam snapped.
"SECURITY!" Harper shouted. "SECURITY!"
Some security people ran in. One had a fire extinguisher and tried to put the fire out. Cheryl screamed and tackled him. Another one grabbed Pam. She punched the security guard. Harper ran for his life as more security officers ran in as Pam and Cheryl fought the security guards and the fire was starting to get out of control.
"Take that you BLEEEEP! BLEEP!" Pam shouted as she punched out another security guard.
"I'm gonna buy this dump just so I can burn it to the ground!" Cheryl shouted. "Ooh! You're strong! Want to have choke sex?"
Then an image flashed on screen. A picture of Harper's face on a bee was heard. As well as the message: WE WILL BEE RIGHT BACK!
Cyril shut the TV off. Leaving a stunned Figgis Agency to stare at a blank screen for several seconds.
"That did not go well," Cyril groaned.
"No, it did not," Ray sighed.
"That was bad," Lana sighed.
"Very bad," Cyril admitted. "On so many levels…"
"Relax," Krieger waved. "The only people who watch this channel at this time of day are business people and stockbrokers. Or bored housewives who just can't get into soaps. Or people watching TV at a hospital. We'll be fine. Cheryl's company on the other hand…"
"You know how we've all been depending on Cheryl's protection payments and assignments and well…?" Ray began.
"Embezzling her funds every chance we get?" Lana asked.
"I was going to say Cheryl's unconscious generosity," Ray told her.
"Yeah she's only generous when she's unconscious," Lana scoffed.
"My point is," Ray sighed. "Something tells me this gravy train we've been riding on might crash into a mountain one day."
"I'm just going to enjoy the ride while it lasts," Krieger shrugged.
"It may not last that long," Lana said while looking at her phone. "Remember this new thing called Me Tube?"
"It's online already isn't it?" Cyril groaned.
"Yuuup," Lana nodded.
"Gee what are the chances this makes the evening news?" Ray groaned.
"One hundred bleeping percent," Cyril groaned.
Just then Lana's phone rang. "Uh oh…" Lana looked at it. "It's Mallory."
"Dukes!" Ray realized. "Remember when Krieger said that people in hospitals watch this channel!"
"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped.
"Maybe it's not that?" Lana said hopefully. "Maybe Archer woke up from his coma and she's calling to tell us?"
"And maybe I just won the cover of People Magazine's Handsomest Man of the Year?" Ray snapped. "Not likely!"
Lana answered the phone. "Hello? Mallory? How's Archer? Oh really? No, I haven't been watching TV. Just working. Work. Work. Work. No time for TV. What was there something on TV? Because I was way too busy to watch TV."
"Tough luck Ray," Krieger remarked.
"I'm not here!" Cyril pleaded.
"Where are Cheryl and Pam?" Lana asked innocently. "I don't know. Cyril does. Here he is!"
"No! No! No!" Cyril pleaded. But Lana forced her phone into his hands.
"You're up!" Lana hissed.
"Hello, Mallory," Cyril said in an innocent voice. "Fine Ms. Archer. What? Where are Pam and Cheryl? Well…They told me they were going to…a spa. Yes. They were going to a spa. Where else would they be going? Except to a bar? Did you find them at a bar?"
Cyril paused to listen. "On TV? Really? No, I had no idea. I was working. Work. Work. Work. I was! I was doing things around the office! NOT PORN! ACTUAL WORK! I was working! Just ask Ray! Ray! Come and tell Ms. Archer I was working!"
"What? No!" Ray looked horrified.
"You're up!" Cyril gave the phone to Ray.
"Hello?" Ray took the phone. "Oh nice. Seriously? Guess your day isn't complete without one homophobic remark huh? Well I don't know what happened. I was out working. Work. Work. Work. Oh nice! As it happened Ms. Thing I was handing out flyers for the Figgis Agency because Pam and Cheryl were at a spa of some sort and Cyril was passed out drunk in his office and Lana was too busy doing things for her daughter to pay attention."
"You bitch," Lana glared at Ray.
"So nobody was watching television because we just didn't have the time," Ray said. "Did something happen? You want to talk to Krieger? I guess he was here."
"Nope! Nope! Nope!" Krieger protested and tried to walk away. Cyril and Lana grabbed him.
"Here he is," Ray said into the phone. He hissed to Krieger, "You're up!"
"Hello?" Krieger gulped as he took the phone. "Me? What was I doing? I was…Watching porn. Yeah that's the ticket. I was watching porn!"
"Oh, for the love of…" Cyril groaned.
"Because I was watching porn," Krieger added. "I definitely didn't watch Cheryl and Pam make total fools of themselves on national TV on Harper Ellis' show, get into a fight with security and try to burn it to the ground. Nope, none of us watched that. We were all watching porn. Except for Lana who was probably doing something about her daughter. I think filling out a form for school. But we definitely didn't see Cheryl trash her company, our agency and you. Bye!"
He shut the phone off. "I think she bought it."
Lana's phone went off again. She took it from Krieger. "Guess again!" She glared at him. "Forget it. I'm just letting this go to voice mail."
"We are so bleeped," Cyril moaned.
"Not as much as Pam and Cheryl," Ray pointed out.
"Yeah we're just the appetizers," Cyril threw up his hands.
Ray looked at Cheryl's phone. "Looks like Ms. Archer isn't the only one who's mad at Cheryl. These text messages she's getting from her board of directors aren't exactly cheerful with glee."
"I can imagine," Cyril groaned.
"Here's a message from her brother Cecil," Ray read. "Way to uphold the family name."
"With him that could go either way," Krieger admitted.
"Oh," Ray noticed something. "Here's a message from that guy who owns that electric car company. Thanks for taking the heat off."
"The heat is going to be on if Ms. Archer gets her hands on Cheryl and Pam!" Krieger said.
"As in she's going to shoot them and burn their corpses to make it look like a murder suicide," Ray nodded. "I saw where you were going with that."
"You know me so well," Krieger nodded.
"I know Ms. Archer is going to blame us all for this! I say we go, oh anywhere but here!" Cyril said. "Where Ms. Archer can find us and murder us all!"
"Again," Ray said. "Belize."
"We are not going to Belize!" Lana snapped.
"She's right," Cyril said. "Air fare to Belize is high this time of year. What about Brazil?"
"Ooh! I haven't been there in years!" Krieger grinned.
"We are not going to Brazil!" Lana snapped.
"She's right," Krieger said. "Ms. Archer found me there once. She could do it again."
"Well what do we do to keep Ms. Archer from killing us?" Cyril asked.
"Absinthe," Lana realized. "Lots and lots of Absinthe!"
"And some of Krieger's Forget Me Now drug wouldn't hurt," Ray said. "I'm off to the store."
"I'll join you," Lana said.
"I'll get a fresh batch going in my lab," Krieger said.
"What do I do?" Cyril pleaded. "What if Ms. Archer comes to the office while you're gone?"
"Simple," Lana said as she and Ray left. "Throw Pam and Cheryl under the bus."
"If only I could literally do that," Cyril moaned.