"You do believe me don't you?" Francis questioned with a look of desperation in his eyes.
"Of course I believe you" I responded as I shortened the distance between us, placing a hand on his chest and cradling his cheek with the other.
"You mean it?," he questioned while stroking my arm and hand," Your not just acting the part of a dutiful wife like my mother had to?" "I don't want that".
Reassuringly, I told him " No that will never be us".
To this he answers with a uncertain glance in his eyes. To quash his dubiousness I close the space between us hold him, reassuringly stroking his golden locks while he buries his face in my neck. I can't help but feel sad during this embrace, despite us being so close physically, I feel as if we are in different countries. He continues to shut me out because he thinks he is protecting me. I cannot help but be hurt by his words earlier about my failure of bearing him a child being a disappointment. Those words cut into my soul and leave me feeling broken. Of all things he could say, those were the words that would hurt me the most. He knew how much I wanted a child so we could be a family, and how utterly crushed I was by my miscarriage. Not to mention the fact that he shares a child with my best friend lola, serving as a constant reminder of what I have failed to produce. Though he has apologized for saying such words and insists he didn't mean them, I think it is best I "play the part" as his mother told me to do. If he refuses to share his burdens with me, then why should I confide in him. I love Francis more then anything and I would do anything for him, but I cannot help but wonder why he is acting so strangely. I only wish our love for each other was enough to battle all of the forces posed against us.
Pulling me out of my thoughts, Francis kisses my neck and then returns to standing in front of me with his hands around my waist. He says, "Mary, I love you, please forgive me, I promise I will make everything up to you".
Not knowing how to respond, I simply lower my head to keep my face out of his view, and I let the tears fall. How have we come to this place, once being so in love with hopeful wishes of a child, now becoming crestfallen. Not wanting him to be aware of my sadness, I grab one of his hands and place a kiss on it. Maneuvering out of his arms, I make my way towards our bed, and keep my back faced away from him so he cannot read my face, or see my tears. I dry my face and get into bed, tired from the days events, and tired of the emotional strife between Francis and I. He approaches our bed hesitantly, still uneasy of my true feelings, but he then climbs in on the other side as if everything were normal. But the fact is it isn't, the distance between us is so great I worry we can never go back to how it once was. My need to be close to him is strong, that I unconsciously slide over until over bodies touch. I may be mad at him but I love him and yearn to be close to him. The electricity between us is still there and I can't help but reminisce about how we used to fall asleep in each others arms after making love. He pulls me close, wrapping his arm around my waist and resting his head against my neck. I remain wide awake, my mind continuing to turn, but soon enough I can hear francis's steady breathing and know that he is asleep. How I wish I could find sleep and comfort in his arms. It is many hours later after countless thoughts that I finally succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep. I wake first and I find we have moved in our sleep. My head is now rested on his chest and his arm is place under my back and around my waist keeping me close to him. As Francis continues to sleep I trace patterns on his chest as he had done to me the morning after we had first been together. I yearn for these moments where I can forget reality and imagine that all is the same as when we first married, happy and intoxicated by one another. Francis begins to stir and protectively tightens his grip on my waist. As the sleep begins to wear off he questions why I am awake so early in the day. To this I simply reply I could not sleep. He looks at me with sadness and pulls me even closer to him and places a kiss on my temple.
"Well, if you aren't going to sleep, then I guess I won't either" He says.
"Francis, that is a ridiculous, you are a King you need your sleep" I responded.
"And you are a queen, My Queen, and If you are awake then so shall I" He says with complete adoration in his eyes.
I couldn't help myself but melt with his last words. We spent the rest of the morning talking and just simply laying with each other until it was time to begin our duties as King and Queen of France. I almost believed that we could go back to the way things were.