Attack of the Fangirls Chapter 1: They're Back!, a lord of the rings fanfic

Title: Attack of the Fangirls

Summary: The next installment of my 'Attack' series incredibly hot guys+ insane, sex-driven harpies insanity and much pain and suffering at other people's expense. Middle Earth is most definitely in trouble.

WARNING – If you find breathing without the use of a tube enjoyable, do not…I repeat…do NOT provoke Fangirls. They WILL hurt you and can legally say that they could not be held responsible for their actions and will once again be set loose upon the unsuspecting public. Should you ever come across a Fangirl while in the presence of a very good-looking male, back away slowly, protect that man with every fiber of your being (unless you want to get a divorce without going through the legal crap…then just leave the sorry bastard there and have him attempt to fend for himself), and then…RUN LIKE HELL! FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HEAD FOR THE HILLS! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

For all those Fangirl Protection Agents with big corporate checks, fancy offices, and access to the company corvette…A. I hate you completely…B. no Fangirls were hurt during the making of this fic…and C. why do Fangirls need protection? They hurt us…and those of us with common sense and don't go around provoking Fangirls for their sadistic pleasure with watching hopelessly adorable men squirm (ahem…ahem…ahem) wouldn't dare think about hurting them. Like I said before…we find breathing without the use of a tube very enjoyable.

However…the crew of Attack of the Fangirls failed to take their own warning seriously. They proceeded to provoke Fangirls while bringing with them very hot cameramen, stagehands, and, naturally, the LotR cast. Unfortunately, during the making of this fic, all the aforementioned men were jumped by hormonally crazed teenage girls with the bright red lipstick and the permanent markers with which to write phone numbers on those hopelessly adorable men's bodies. Three of our stagehands now suffer from broken arms, fractured legs, bruised egos, and have emotional and mental insecurities. Another stagehand we were forced to let go and had him placed in a mental institution where he will forever stay screaming about 'killer red lips'. Just the mention of teenage girls will set him o ff. And our cameraman has found refuge in a tree and refuses to come down for anything. It is very sad. Let's have a moment of silence.

2 seconds later Well…that's it. Hope you enjoy.

The loud sudden scream shattered the silence that was Mirkwood Forest. Birds took flight, deer scattered, the evil, foreboding killer spiders retreated up into the trees (yes, I said killer spiders), the horses reared and whinnied in fright and attempted to kick down the stable doors, and creepy music that implies that something bad is going to happen…or your in-laws are coming…could be heard over the commotion.

The noise caught the attention of three travelers.

"HEY…SOME ONE IS GETTING A VISIT FROM THEIR IN-LAWS!" yelled Aragorn (screams of 'No…not the In-laws' and things breaking can be heard in the background)

"You idiot…didn't you recognize the scream?" groaned Elladan.

"It was Legolas!" Elladan's identical twin brother, Elrohir said.

Quickly, Elladan, Elrohir, and Aragorn raced off in the direction of the scream. The soon reached a small clearing. Lying in the middle of it was Legolas. His shirt was gone and he was covered in bright red lipstick. Phone-numbers were written on his chest, among the lipstick, in black permanent marker. On the ground surrounding the elf were what seemed to be bras, panties, and other articles of clothing only found on the female body.

"Legolas!" cried Aragorn, grabbing the elf's shoulders and shaking him uncontrollably. "Speak to me, buddy! SPEAK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Ara…Arago…A…ARAGORN LET GO OF ME DAMMIT SO I CAN BREATHE!"

Aragorn let go. "Sorry!"

The blond elf stared at his friends. "What took you guys so long? I was screaming for hours!"

"Traffic was horrible!" replied Elrohir with a grin. "What happened?"

"Yeah! What's with the lipstick?" asked Elladan. "Were you experimenting again?"

Legolas' face paled and he started shaking.

"You guys need to get out of here!" he gasped, his eyes wide in fear. "They'll get you…you can't escape them…THERE'S TOO MANY…THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!"

SLAP!

"Thanks for that, Aragorn."

"No problem. So what are you raving about?"

"The…the…the Fangirls are here!"

Aragorn, Elladan, and Elrohir's eyes widened in shock and fear. Quickly, they leaped to their feet and drew out their weapons as the sound of girlish laughter reached their ears.

"Those aren't going to work against Fangirls, you idiots!" yelped Legolas.

The high-pitched laughter became louder and louder. The bushes around them rustled, and about 10 girls with bloodshot eyes and crazed grins on their faces popped out.

"We're doomed aren't we?" moaned Aragorn.

"Yup!" whimpered Elladan.

"Mommy…" moaned Elrohir.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Well, that's it for the first chapter. Review please.

Note: For all those who wish to be rabid fangirls in this fic…please say so in the review, along with your name (or a preferred alias because I'm not allowed to put the fanfiction names) and whichever character you plan to stalk…I mean scare into submission…I mean…or never mind.