Author's Note: Don't really know what's possessing me to write this, but I think it's pretty cute.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! I'm poor, thanks for reminding me :cries:
Ahem! Eh, on with the show…
With careful precision I snip lock after lock away from my secretly beloved live-in stranger's head. I smile as I catch a glimpse of him smiling with half lidded eyes, in the chipped mirror hanging from the wall above the table. As I finish I drop the scissors into a pocket on my apron, run my hands through his hair one last time and smile again. But this smile isn't a happy one, it's a somber, I'll-never-be-able-to-do-this-again smile. A not so surprisingly sad smile, considering the circumstances.
As he turns, smiles his charming, disarming smile, and thanks me, I blush and avert my gaze to the window above the sink. A tiny little fluff ball of a bird is perched on the cactus-like plant growing by the back fence; I didn't know this land had the ability to grow even that…
It flutters its wings twice then flies away. I envy that ability. I wish I could fly away. I wish I could fly away to anywhere but here, right now. I wish I could grow myself a set of wings and fly off to anywhere but here.
So now you're leaving. It's not even a question, and I don't say it aloud, but it hangs in the air between us. It lurks under the table, under the chairs. It hides in the drain, beneath the fridge. Lurking on the ceiling fan, mingling with the dirt-like dust, it mocks me. I can feel the unsaid words choking me, clogging in my throat. I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, stinging them from the inside out, stinging me from the inside out.
I bite my lip hard, to keep the tears from making their way onto my face. My lip hurts, I bit harder than necessary. He doesn't notice, and if he does, he doesn't say anything. I smile a little. I can't stop smiling for some stupid reason. I'm miserable, and yet still I smile. At least he doesn't know his leaving is killing me. It's really better this way.
It's done, and as I pull the bed sheet I had been using as a smock off, I shake it roughly to clean it of blonde hair. I can't do this I realize, and I hug the sheet around my head and body tightly, as if it could protect me from the world. But it can't, I realize as he stands and I begin to cry.
His friend is standing in the hallway awkwardly, looking uncomfortable as an unlit cigarette hangs limply from his mouth. It's bent at the middle, it looks haggard, it looks worn. It looks just like he did the first day I met him…
God, he's been with us, me, so long; he can't leave! But he is, he's leaving, he's leaving me. He really is. I can't deny it any longer. I can't avoid thinking about it, and I can't pretend he'll change his mind. Once his mind is made up, there's no stopping him. He really is leaving, and I'll never see him again.
He gently touches my shoulder and whispers my name, but it doesn't soothe me as it would have in the past. It doesn't comfort me, as he was trying to do. Nothing will ever comfort me again. I'll never be happy again. He's leaving, how can I ever be happy if he's not here?
He murmurs something, I don't know what. I can't hear anything above the scuffling sounds of my lungs trying to bring in more air. I need to bring in more air, I can't breathe! But I don't want to breathe. I don't want to try. The effort seems too great. It'd be easier to just give up, I want to give up. It all seems so hopeless.
Shrugging off his hand, I take in one big, shaky gulp of air followed by another and another until I've lost count of how many. Blinking my eyes furiously, willing the tears to dry up, I look at anything but him, his friend, and grandma. Focusing on the window, I see the fluff ball has returned. Twisting its little neck and staring into my eyes with its own beady little orbs, he chirrups shrilly. It's cute in an obscure way.
And suddenly, just like that, I feel like smiling again, suddenly it doesn't really seem so hopeless. Suddenly I feel this reckless joy deep inside my chest. Am I going crazy?
Grinning stupidly, I suddenly remember something my father always told me, "People come and go all the time; life is nothing if not a collection of meetings and partings." And even though we're parting, and even thought we may never meet again, I'm glad. I'm glad I got to know such a great man…
Suddenly there are arms around me. His arms are crushing me to his chest, tightly, almost possessively. My arms are trapped between us, clutching the sheet that is still wrapped around my body. He's saying something, I can feel the vibrations coming from his chest, but all I hear is a faint white noise. I don't know what he's saying, but as I sigh and slide my eyes closed, I don't worry about it.
He's moved away now, arms hanging limply at his sides. I still instinctively curve mine around my body, still clutching the sheet that still smells faintly of him. What remains over the light scent of soap is a mixture of gun powder and geraniums; as unique and odd as the man himself.
I'm no fool, I know he's really leaving now, there's no putting this moment off any further. His back is to me, rigid. His shoulders are squared. There's no turning back for him; and even if there were, he wouldn't.
That's why I keep quiet as I watch him leave; I keep my mouth shut so tightly my jaw aches. But my heart aches more. I keep quiet as I watch him open the door and leave with that priest. I stop myself from flinging the door open and screaming at him, pleading him to come back. He has to go, and I have to accept that.
So I remain standing in the kitchen until long after all light and warmth has left my body. I remain standing here, immobile, until long after midnight, long after one o'clock, then two, then three… Maybe I'm waiting for him to open the door again, stick in his blonde head and yell "Gotcha!" Maybe I'm waiting for something that could never truly happen. I don't know. I jut don't know anything anymore! He always had that effect on me.
Will it remain now, even though he's gone?
Fin
Ah… poor Lina. Please forgive me if I totally botched this up, I haven't seen that episode in months… Well, review! And I know, I should have been working on "Run" but this popped into my head and wouldn't leave until I wrote it down! Thanks for reading.