It had been a while, Zoe mused, counting the days and realising with a start it must have been nearly two years. Two years since she'd seen the others, although there'd been occasional messages, accessed while she was on late watch so the Captain wouldn't see. They weren't meant for him, the others made it clear. At least, Kaylee did. She'd not forgiven him, and likely never would.
What he'd done, said, the way he'd done and said it, there was no way he could ever apologise enough. Accusing Jayne of trying to seduce the women on board, of wanting to have his way with them, and then not believing River when she said their new gunhand was a liar … There was nothing he could say to make it better. And then that new hand had attempted to rape Kaylee, take her against her will, and Mal had said it was a misunderstanding … She almost shot her captain herself, right there. Seeing Kaylee's face, her fear, tasting it in the air … no rutting way that was a misunderstanding. Yet if River hadn't made a capture, Mal would have lived the rest of his life – short as it was likely to be – without believing. The fact that he put the man out of the airlock was beside the point.
Zoe almost laughed. If she laughed anymore. She knew about Ariel. About what Jayne had done. And why. And even then Mal hadn't fulfilled his threat of spacing him. Given him that second chance. But not his trust. Never that. Yet he trusted the rapist and didn't give a second thought to opening the outer doors … no amount of words could explain to him why that was a paradox. Not that he'd ever see it.
Two years. Two long years of moods and fighting and a hope that there might be a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.
Two years of furtive waves and secret messages.
Two years. And there they were, just touching down.
---
Zoe crossed the dusty field to where Monty's ship was sitting, warming in the late summer sun. She knew Mal was watching from the bridge, but knew equally that he was never going to come out. Never going to apologise.
Kaylee came bounding out of the ship, throwing her arms around her friend and hugging her tightly. Zoe returned the embrace, revelling in the physical intimacy she hadn't shared in a long time.
"Zoe! Oh, it's so good to see you!"
"Kaylee, girl, you're gonna break my ribs you hold on any tighter."
"Oh, sorry!" Kaylee let go and stepped back, but didn't relinquish her hold on Zoe's arms. "It's just … it's been so long!"
"And only a few hours since we've spoken."
"Not the same." She affectionately swatted at her. "'N' you know it."
Zoe grinned. "I know." She looked at River. "And you? You gonna hug an old woman like me?"
"Not old," River said, jumping forwards and embracing her friend. "Never that."
"Do you want to come inside? Have a drink?" Zoe asked, then wished she'd bitten her tongue as the light dimmed on Kaylee's face a moment.
"I …"
"No." Zoe could have kicked herself. "No, it's me should be apologising. I didn't think."
"It's okay." Kaylee looked at the Firefly, something wistful in her expression. "She keeping okay?"
"Sparky's pretty good. We've had a coupla close calls, but he pretty much keeps her flying." She didn't say that their new mechanic couldn't hear Serenity: she didn't have to.
"The entry couplings?"
"Blew when we were coming in to land on Aberdeen. Sheer luck we didn't crash."
"Tell him to talk to Jingo on Beaumonde. He keeps a few spares maybe they could use."
"I'll do that."
---
Mal watched from the bridge window, feeling his guts rolling as he absently stroked the scar on his cheek. He did it without thinking nowadays, just touching it to see if it was still there, marring his good looks. Except he never thought of himself as having good looks. He thought he was a mean old man, and there was no-one around nowadays to contradict him.
The two girls … no, young women … were chattering, probably telling Zoe everything they'd been up to, all the adventures, the excitement, all the fun they'd had. They were hugging, too, almost dancing in their pleasure at being together again.
He pressed harder on the scar, just to feel something other than the jealousy threatening to tear him apart. The gunhand he'd hired, last but one around a year back, hadn't been as fast as Jayne, and when the deal went south he'd felt the bullet burn across his face before he even heard the blast. Zoe'd done her best, but she was no medic. Times like that he dwelled a little on Simon going, but only a little. Thinking of Simon brought up other memories, images he'd rather not see again but that seared into his mind.
Kaylee on the floor in the cargo bay, bleeding … River coming out of that gorram box … Dobson flying backwards, a bullet in his eye … More and more, crowding in on each other, until the final picture of Kaylee and River walking away from Serenity for the last time.
He so wanted to blame Simon for choosing his ship, to blame River for being psychic, Wash and Book for dying, Jayne for … well, for everything … but he knew he couldn't. What had happened was because of him, his certainty, his absolute conviction that the mercenary wasn't to be trusted. And he'd lost his family because of it.
He leaned his head on the cool glass, not blinking.
---
"How is he?" River asked, glancing towards the Firefly.
"Okay." Zoe knew who she meant. "But you'd know that."
"I don't look. Jayne's taught me restraint. Self-control. More than I ever had before. And even if I wanted to I wouldn't. Not with him." There was almost a sneer in her tone.
"He's sorry."
"It isn't enough."
"No."
Kaylee tugged at the fastening on her coverall. "Why'd you stay with him, Zoe?" she asked finally, needing to know. "He ain't worth it. Not the way he was."
"He's better. A little." Zoe shook her head. "Some, anyway."
"Some ain't enough. Not after what he did. What he believed."
"He killed that man."
"Didn't believe me, though."
"Kaylee, I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but … he knows."
"Know? Knows what? That his trusted gunhand … that … that he …" She still couldn't say the words, or use the man's name, even after two years. "But that weren't the worst. It was that he didn't believe me. That the man who was supposed to be my friend, my ge ge, didn't believe me."
"I know."
"I still wake up in the night sometimes, screaming …" She swallowed hard. "Jayne comes to comfort me."
"Are you and he …" Zoe raised her eyebrows.
"Me and Jayne?" Kaylee laughed finally, patting her friend's arm. "Not me. He's got his eyes on someone else."
"Oh?" Zoe was intensely curious, but wasn't going to ask. "And have you? Got your eyes on someone?"
Kaylee blushed, just a wash of pink across her cheekbones. "Not really."
"His name's Kyle," River supplied. "He's mechanic on a Saroyan. His captain does a lot of work with Monty, and Kaylee's been … seeing him for a few months now."
"River!" Kaylee reached out to slap the young psychic, but she danced away, grinning widely.
"And how come you never told me this in all those waves?" Zoe asked, trying for severe and only finding amusement.
"It's early days," Kaylee said, her brightness back. "Kyle and me … we're just … it's fun."
"How it should be." Zoe leaned forward. "And is he good in bed?"
"Zoe!"
"From the sounds coming from her bunk when he visits –" River's words were cut off by a grease-stained hand covering her mouth.
"What about you? Anyone?" Kaylee asked, trying to get away from any further inquiries into her own love life.
Zoe shook her head. "No. Doubt there will be. Wash was the man I intended to love forever. That ain't changed."
"You're too good a woman to be wasted."
"Not good. And I ain't being wasted. Just … no-one else comes close." She smiled. "And you'd better let River up. She's turning blue."
Kaylee let go, and River made a great show of taking in a deep breath. "Thank you," she said.
"You know, he tried to talk to Inara." Zoe realised she was breaking a confidence, but it needed to be broken. "'Bout a year ago. Put a wave into Sihnon, left messages. She didn't return them."
"She ain't there," Kaylee said.
"No?"
"Nope. Last I heard she'd gone back to Madrassa."
"Madrassa?"
"Said she was gonna face her fears, not let 'em overcome her." Kaylee shook her head. "Said she wasn't gonna let the Operative invade her home, take something from her."
Zoe understood. "She's strong. But so are you."
"No, I ain't. I ran. Hid in my bunk and ran when the chance came. That ain't strong."
"Kaylee …"
"Don't wanna talk about it."
"Okay. But if you ever do –"
"I know." Kaylee bit her lip. "How'd he take it? Her not wanting to talk to him?"
"Badly. Lost a couple of crew after that, couldn't take him being … It wasn't good, Kaylee."
"She told 'em not to tell him where she'd gone, I know that."
"I figured it might be. All he had to do was tell her … but he pushed her away too. I'm not surprised she don't wanna get hurt again."
"But you said he's getting better?"
"Some. He'll never be the same, too many cracks. But … I don't know, Kaylee," she admitted.
"I wish …"
"Yeah, me too."
"He's coming," River murmured, her lips barely moving.
Kaylee stiffened, but didn't give in to the impulse to turn and walk away.
"See you've found some old friends." Mal crossed the dusty field, stopping some ten feet or so from them.
"Not the word I'd use," River said, throwing her head back, her long hair catching in the slight breeze.
"What, old?" He tried to make light of it.
"Friends."
He tried to ignore the stab in his belly. "Acquaintances, then," he said coolly.
"We were just passing the time of day, sir," Zoe said, her face back to being impassive.
"So I see." He nodded. "River. Kaylee."
"Mal." River nodded, her dark eyes unreadable as ever, but Kaylee didn't move. Before she'd have fluttered around him, all anxious for his well-being, maybe even touching the scar on his cheek with her greasy fingers, leaving a smudge on his skin. Now she just stood and stared at him.
"You gonna talk to me?" he asked finally.
"Not sure I got anything needs saying."
She was stubborn, God knows, but he tried again. "I didn't know he was from Gherbahn."
"Shouldn't'a needed to."
"I know." He couldn't stop himself. "I just thought he was gonna –"
"No!" Her voice echoed around the field. "You stop! One more word and I'll walk away."
"I thought I was doing what was right."
"Well, you weren't. Nothing right about what you did." She took a jagged breath. "You weren't the man I thought you were."
He could feel his heart breaking. "I'm sorry, Kaylee. I am truly sorry. Forgive me. Come home."
Zoe stared at him. She could count the number of times he'd apologised on the fingers of one hand, and here he was, looking at the young woman, and meaning every word. But it was too late.
"Not coming back, Mal." Kaylee looked him square in the face, her eyes older, more world-weary than he recalled. More grown-up. And she'd called him Mal, not Cap'n. Of course, he wasn't her captain any longer, and her next words reinforced it. "Got another home, now. Real one. And a family."
"More'n me?" he had to ask.
"Yeah."
It hurt. Hurt like it was gonna burn out of his belly and set fire to the scrub at his feet. He'd have given anything to see her chin come up, all defiant like it used to, then her face to fall into that smile that meant she knew she'd made him see reason, to kiss his cheek and tell him 'I love my captain'. But she never would.
"Well, that's good," he said, forcing a smile. "Got me a mechanic, a' course, but he ain't as good as you. Not many that are." He'd hoped that small compliment might thaw her a little, but it did nothing. "Still, he keeps Serenity flying."
"That's good." She echoed his words back to him.
"I think she misses you."
"Just a ship, Mal. That's all she is. Just a ship."
At those words, from her, he felt the wall solidify between them, thick and high, impenetrable. "Yeah. Just a ship." He shook himself. "Zoe, we got work to be getting to. We're loaded, so no need to hang around."
"I'll be there in a minute."
"See that you are. You're not so indispensible I ain't leaving you." He walked away, not even glancing once at the other two women even though he heard Kaylee's gasp.
"He didn't mean it," River said quietly. "He needs you."
"I know that," Zoe said, her voice lowered to match. "Have to admit, that's the only reason I ain't left."
"You could come with us," Kaylee suggested.
"No. Can't say it hasn't crossed my mind, but … he's my captain. Been through enough that it means something, even if he's not the same. But he's learning."
"We can't go back," River put in. "Not now."
"I know. Wouldn't ask you to. We all have to move on with our lives, and … well, I think you've found a place to be."
"That we have," Kaylee said, putting her arm around River's shoulders. "Monty's a good man, kinda like the Cap … like Mal used to be. But he ain't so closed off, so certain of himself. Listens when we talk."
"And that's good." Zoe took a deep breath. "I miss you," she said suddenly, before the words could be bitten back.
Kaylee and River wrapped their arms around her, holding her tight.
"We miss you too," the young mechanic said. "Don't make it two years 'fore we see you again."
"Well, that pretty much depends on Mal, but … I'll try." She closed her eyes, trying to hold the sensation as long as possible.
---
Jayne stood in the hatchway, watching Mal stride back to the Firefly, arrogant as ever. No, maybe not quite. Something seemed to be weighing him down now, and that swagger was just a little tempered.
Belinda came up behind him, saw what he was staring at. "He didn't use to be like that, you know," she said softly. "When he was younger. Uncle Monty told me tales …"
"Nope, reckon he didn't. But he was never gonna change, far as I was concerned."
"He missed out." She looped her arm through his. "And don't you go feeling guilty, Jayne Cobb."
"Don't."
"No, course not." She squeezed, just a little. "Thinking sometimes on what you coulda done different. Made him see you weren't the man he thought."
"That wouldn't ever happen. He saw something, thought he was right, and no-one was gonna tell him he was wrong. And when they did, he just didn't listen."
"His loss."
"Maybe."
She turned him around, looking his straight in his blue eyes, her own burning with irritation. "You wanna go? Talk to him? Tell him you forgive him? 'Cause you can. Nothing to stop you."
She looked beautiful when she was angry, he decided. Actually, he'd decided that a long time ago, 'bout the moment she hit him with the hot serving spoon when he tried to get an early taste of the stew she was concocting. He chuckled. "Nothing to forgive. Likely he ain't that sorry, so why should I waste my breath?"
She studied him, trying to see the truth, then she relaxed. "Good. That's real good."
He looked outside, saw Kaylee and River standing waving at Zoe as she headed back towards Serenity. She lifted her head, must've seen him, because she raised her hand and saluted him, and he could tell she was smiling. He waved back, just once, before she turned away.
"You okay?" Belinda asked.
He thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. "Just shiny," he said quietly.
"Wanna say that with more enthusiasm?"
Pulling her closer so she was against his chest, he grinned. "You come on back to my bunk and I'll show you enthusiasm."
"Jayne!" Monty yelled from the depths of the ship. "You put my niece down and come and get to work. We got cargo to unload."
"Reckon we're gonna have to take a raincheck on that," Belinda said, rubbing herself against him just a little.
Jayne groaned, but the smile on his face was as wide as the black. "Guess we do." He pushed her away, patting her on the behind as he did so. "Go on, 'fore I decide to mutiny."
She laughed and hurried off, waggling her rear end at him just as she turned the corner.
He sighed happily. No matter what, whatever happened in the past, he could accept it. Just to have a present like he'd got, and maybe a future too.
"Jayne!" Monty's voice reverberated again. "'M' I gonna regret hiring you?"
"Keep your shirt on!" Jayne shouted back, standing straight. "I'm coming, you old coot." He grinned as he heard splutterings and semi-coherent oaths coming from the cargo bay. Yeah. Life was good.