Quick "Five Nights at Freddy's" spoof, because I've nothing better to do. Enjoy!
Five Nights at Tuesti's
"So, where are Avalanche now?" Rufus asked.
"On the western continent, I believe," Heidegger replied.
"And what exactly are we doing to stop them?" Rufus asked.
"We've stationed soldiers everywhere between here and Wutai.." Scarlet said.
"But you still haven't caught them," Rufus pointed out.
"Well, no.." Heidegger replied. "To tell you the truth, we're spread a little thin after the rampage here. Between Sephiroth's attack and Avalanche's escape, we've lost a lot of people and equipment."
"I mean, we're running this place on a skeleton crew as it is.." Scarlet added.
"I don't want excuses. Just find them and kill them, already," Rufus said. "We've got enough problems to deal with as it is."
"I have another idea," Reeve said. "Why don't we follow them around, instead? I mean, they're after the same things we are. Why not let them do the hard work?"
"Hmm... I like the way you're thinking, Reeve," Rufus replied. "But how?"
"I give you my latest invention," Reeve said, producing a small animatronic cat with a red scarf and a crown, placing it on the president's desk.
"A Cait Sith doll?" Rufus asked, puzzled. The toy line had been a hit with children back in his father's day, and the cheaply-produced dolls, among other items, had helped to line the company's coffers. Their popularity had waned since then, but they were still to be seen here and there around the world. What possible relation the things could bear to their current predicament, however, was something that utterly escaped him.
"Not just any Cait Sith doll," Reeve said, switching the inanimate toy cat on with the remote in his hand.
The toy cat promptly got up and greeted the president and his retinue with a tip of his hat. "Mornin', everyone!"
"One with a personality and will of his own," Reeve explained. "That, and a host of monitoring devices that we can use to spy on them."
"..What's with the accent?" Scarlet asked.
"I felt it added a personal touch," Reeve said. "I'm thinking of pairing him up with one of our mogs and sending him off to Gold Saucer."
"So... your plan is to have an animatronic cat riding on top of another, bigger animatronic, and then have the two of them follow Avalanche around? This is your idea of being inconspicuous?" Rufus said.
"Well... when you put it like that, I guess it sounds a bit ridiculous," Reeve replied, growing flustered. "But it's the last thing they'd expect, right?"
"Right.." Rufus replied.
"It's not quite finished yet, though," Reeve added, switching the toy cat off again, returning it to its initial state.
"How long before it's in working condition?" Rufus asked.
"Oh, about five days, I think," Reeve replied.
"That seems a little... arbitrary," Rufus said. "Thoughts?" he added, turning to his other advisers.
"Well, I don't see why not," Heidegger said. "The worst that can happen is that they ignore it outright. Besides, it'll save me some manpower in the meantime."
With that, he and Scarlet left. "Well, I need to head back to the lab," Reeve said, turning to leave, as well. "Got some kinks that I need to work out before I send this thing out into the field."
Later that evening..
Rufus wandered about his office, phone in hand, as he indulged in one of his favorite hobbies: berating a subordinate.
"Look, I have one simple request, and that is to have chocobos with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads."
Some feeble protests could be heard on the other end of the line.
"I don't care what the animal protection agencies are whining about. Make it happen, or you're fired!"
With that, he slammed the receiver down in its cradle. The sound echoed throughout the room. Upon reflection, the ostentatious office seemed almost a little too big. His father's reign had been one of bombast rather than practicality. Furthermore, his travels back and forth across the world had left his day upside down, meaning that he was still wide awake in the middle of the night. And with Shinra's headquarters manned only by a skeleton crew, the place seemed almost abandoned. It was just him... and that toy cat, which Reeve had apparently left on his desk by mistake.
Deciding that he might as well occupy himself with getting familiar with the place, he began to scrounge through the belongings left behind by his late father. "I'll give my old man one thing," he thought, peeking inside the mini-bar behind his desk. "At least he had a decent taste in liquor. Might as well help myself.."
First Night
Some unpleasant, repetitive noise blared throughout the office, rousing the newly-minted president from his sleep. He flailed at the offending object in a half-drunken haze, realizing it wasn't an alarm clock, but rather the phone on his desk. Finally, after some further contortions, he managed to wrest the receiver from its cradle.
"Um, hello? HELLO?"
Rufus winced from the garbled and obnoxiously loud sound of the voice on the other end. He held the phone at bay for a moment, before bringing it back to a reasonable distance from his ear. "Yes, what is it?" he asked, annoyed.
"Mr. President? It's Reeve. Listen, about that Cait Sith doll.."
"Yes?"
"Is it still there?"
Rufus glanced at the spot on his desk where the inanimate toy cat had been seated moments earlier. There was no sign of it. 'That's odd..' he thought.
"It seems to have wandered off," he replied.
"Oh, god," Reeve replied. "I mean... er, that's, um, unfortunate."
"Unfortunate how?" Rufus asked, rubbing his aching temples. For some reason, Reeve sounded as though he was doing his best not to panic, and was failing miserably.
"Well, it seems I made a few mistakes with its calibrations, and, er.."
"Yes?"
"You might want to stay very still."
"..Why?" Rufus asked, growing wary.
"Well, there's a small chance that it might try to, er, murder you."
"...What?"
"Um, there's a tiny flaw in its ocular system. It may misidentify you as, er... spare parts, and, um... try to use your face to repair itself."
Rufus blinked. The absurdity of the situation was beginning to dawn on him as he sobered up. "Oh, come on, Reeve. It's a pint-sized toy cat. How much tensile strength could it possibly have?"
"Er... that's the thing. I refitted the frame with military-grade hydraulics. You know, for dealing with the rebels. Don't let its stature fool you. That thing could easily crush an organism ten times its size. Same goes for the servos. That thing can move. Er, you definitely don't want to try to outrun it."
"Why not?" Rufus asked.
"Because its radar will pick you up as a threat, and it'll, er, deal with you accordingly. In fact, I think the safest thing for you to do right now is to just stay in your office. And don't make too much noise. It really doesn't like that."
"..."
"Other than that, you should be fine," Reeve assured him. "I'll be back in a few days to fix it. Don't worry."
With that Reeve hung up, and Rufus replaced the receiver in its cradle. "Well, my chief engineer has officially moved into the funny farm," he thought. He made a mental note of looking for a new city planner once everyone got back.
He glanced over at the half-empty glass of scotch on his desk. Perhaps he'd had a little too much. Or maybe not enough. He couldn't decide. He picked up the glass, wandering over to the window array behind the desk to take in the view of the city, and was about to raise the glass to his lips when he heard a sound like that of a cassette tape rewinding and replaying.
"Hello, kiddies..." someone said, in a voice far too deep and distorted to be human.
Dismayed, Rufus turned to see the formerly child-friendly figure of Cait Sith seated atop his desk once more. The toy cat's face had come open, exposing the mess of wires and two glowing red eyes underneath. That, and rows upon rows of razor-sharp metal teeth. One thing it definitely wasn't anymore was 'cute'.
"You want to PET THE KITTY?" the voice boomed.
Rufus panicked, tossing the glass away as he ducked behind one of the pillars. "Reeve, what the hell?!" he thought. "What the living loving FREAKING HELL IS THAT?!"
He kept absolutely still for what felt like ages, as he did his best to calm his breathing. When he had finally worked up the nerve to peek around the corner, he noticed that the toy cat was gone. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or terrified.
Either way, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Good thing that I have this array of security monitors to help me keep track of everything inside the building," he thought as he took his seat behind the desk. Sure enough, his personal security system allowed him to cycle through the cameras distributed all throughout the building. He opted to pare his selection down to just the ones in his own vicinity, before noticing that there was a small problem. "Emergency power," the readout in the lower left corner of the display blinked, underneath a bar which indicated how much power remained usable. Rufus vaguely recalled how his aides had mentioned something about rolling power outages in the wake of Avalanche's raid on the building.
He groaned, palming his face in his hands. "We've thrown how much money at this whole operation?" he muttered. "I mean, what's the point of ruling the world if you can't even get the lights fixed?"
The phone rang again, causing him to jump out of his seat. He carefully reached for the receiver, as though expecting it to bite his hand off, then breathed a sigh of relief as he realized it was just Reeve again.
"Oh, and also, did you know that our corporate HQ was built on top of an ancient Cetra burial ground? I just thought that was interesting. Well, bye!" (click)
"...Great," Rufus muttered.
Notes
Second half coming soon(ish)?