The diagnosis

I got this idea from a sequel to a Spanish series I had watched a long time ago...

Amelia's POV

I walk into the hospital daycare, with Charlotte in tow. Charlotte is wearing a pink onsie which spots the sentence ' My mummy rocks'. At 9 months old, she can now sit upright in my arms, and is looking at me and smiling at me with her big drooly smile. She is just the happiest baby ever, a direct constrast to her traumatic birth.

I kiss her forehead. Even though I have been back to work for 6 months already since she had been born, every single day I find it so damn hard to leave her here under the care of others. Every single moment, even when my hands are buried deep in the brain of another human- I would be thinking of her and missing her. Everyday, I find myself sneaking to the daycare in between consults and during lunch break to see her. Blame my mummy hormones. But how can I resist? She is just the most adorable human being ever- I don't know how Owen and I managed to create such a perfect little human. She is the exact clone of me, that is what everyone says. I think she looks like Derek too, I still miss him a lot.

' Bye Char- mummy has to go save lives now. But I promise I'll come in to see you in a few hours time ok? If not, daddy will be here'.

I am really not kidding when I say that Charlotte has Owen wrapped around her little finger already. Every day once he comes home, he would tickle her in the tummy, causing her to giggle and lift her high up in the air, eliciting even more giggles. He calls her his little princess. And every night, we would tuck her in bed, and stare at her sleeping for hours. Sometimes he would carry her around the hospital ER to show her off to the nurses, much to April's chargin. At nights, we would both stand beside her cot for several moments looking at her sleeping peacefully, silently wondering how did we, imperfect people manage to create such a perfect human being.

I reluctantly hand her over to the hospital Daycare worker, a friendly woman with a warm smile.

' Her diapers, bottles, wipes, everything is in her bag' I say, handing the baby and the bag over to the worker.

' Got it' she smiles warmly at me. ' Go to save some lives Dr. Sheperd!'

I give a quick wave goodbye and rush out of the daycare. I am afraid that if I stay here any longer, I would just change my mind and take Charlotte back with me. So I better go as far away as possible before I change my mind.

I am scrubbing out after successfully removing a tumour from a 10 year old child. Beside me Stephanie Edwards is also scrubbing out. She really is the best resident ever. She can anticipate my every move in the OR. I really love her on my service.

' Dr Sheperd, are you ok?' Stephanie asks, looking at me.

' Yeah, why?' I ask. In actual fact, I am feeling lightheaded and dizzy and tired all the time. I have been having these spells for the past couple of weeks or so. Just now in the OR, for a moment or two, I thought I was about to pass out, but thankfully I managed to pull through.

' You look very pale and tired.' Stephanie looks at me with concern. ' Are you sure you're ok? Do you need to take a break? I can inform the scrub nurses that our next surgery will be postponed.'

' Yeah, it's just that Charlotte has been keeping me up all night lately. I think she's teething'. I say. It was the truth, I barely got any sleep last night.

' Ok' Stephanie says slowly, still not taking her eyes of me. I think she has been on my service long enough to know whether I am feeling ok or not.

' Maybe you should get yourself checked out though' she says finally. ' Because honestly Dr Sheperd, no offense but you look like crap.'

' Geez, thanks Edwards. I really appreciate your honestly.' I say, feigining hurt.

' I am always a straightforward person' says Stephanie.

' But seriously Dr. Sheperd, maybe you should just get yourself checked out, maybe do a blood test or something just to be sure'.

' You're right, maybe I should' I say. ' You don't mind drawing a sample for me?'

Moments later, we are in an empty patients room, Stephanie having just drawn out blood from me.

' Alright, let's send this to the lab' she says, holding the test tubes in her hand.

Just then, both our pagers beeped.

' Damn' we both mutter to ourselves. We've been paged to the ER, seems like several patients with brain bleeds had just come in.

' Hey DeLuca' Stephanie calls out to the intern who had just passed by the room.

' Could you send this to the lab please? Tell them it's urgent'.

We had labelled it under patient X to protect my confidentiality.

' Ok sure' he answers, scurrying towards the lab.

That night, I am settled in the bedroom alone - Charlotte is asleep and Owen is on call.

I finally take out the big envelope containing my blood results. I had been too busy at work today to have a look at them- called from OR to consult to OR again since DeLuca handed the results back to me. It was a miracle indeed that I didn't pass out at all today.

I scan through the full blood count. My white cell count, haemoglobin and platelet counts were all on the low side, pancytopenia. Huh? This isn't good at all.

My eyes continue scanning down to the peripheral blood film which was ordered too, under urgent.

There it was, written under the results section - Pancytopenia. Presence of blast cells suggestive of chronic myeloid leukaemia. Suggest bone marrow aspiration to confirm diagnosis.

I stare and stare again at the results, as if staring at them could change them. This is it - I have been having good luck for too long, I have been happy for too long. And now the universe is back against me again. I just knew it. I can never be happy for too long. I feel like I'm in a real life Final Destination. I've escaped death twice already- once as a teen when Derek resuscitated me, another time during Charlotte's birth when Arizona saved me from haemorrhaging to death. Now this time around, I might not be so lucky anymore. I feel the room spinning a little...I feel like a rug has been pulled from under me again.

Actually, I worry more about Owen and Charlotte than about myself. How are they going to cope without me? I fear Owen's reaction to this. I don't know how am I going to tell him. Maybe I should just wait until the bone marrow aspiration results come back to confirm the diagnosis.

The sound of keys unlocking the main door divert my attention. I quickly shove the envelope into the locker and go downstairs to greet my husband. I haven't seen him all day.

He looks as handsome as ever in his plaid shirt.

' Hey' he smiles at me, hanging his coat at the hallway.

I smile back and give him a quick affectionate kiss on the cheek. I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head on his chest.

' Mia are you ok?' he asks kissing the top of my forehead.

I know the reason why he is asking that question.

I am seldom this affectionate towards him ( he knows I love him very much though). I usually pride myself to being a strong-headed, independent woman, who doesn't need affection from men. He know that this behaviour is very unusual of me.

' Nothing, I just missed you that's all' I answer softly.

If only he knew.

' Char's asleep?' he changes the subject.

' Yes, she konked out after feeding an hour ago' I say.

We both walk into the nursery and stare at our peacefully sleeping daughter. We could watch her sleep for hours. This is our perfect little family. Please universe, don't take any of this away from us.

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