One day in the Smith Home...
Stan was watching television. Roger was begging and clamoring for attention, playing with penny whistles and hooting and hollering, even going so far as to mimic Francine. Sadly for Roger, all these attempts were to no avail.
"Hey, Stan! Hey, Stan, it's the Rodge Popper!" said Roger. Stan was still intently focused on the TV. He finally responded to Roger's yappering.
"Listen Mr. Rodge Popper, I don't care who you are I'm trying to watch The Godfather, Italian Food Edition on the Food Network. Michael Canneloni is in this scene and I don't want to miss it!" said Stan. Roger grimaced, and with dejected eyes he walked away into the kitchen to see Francine.
"Hey, Frannie! Sup gorgeous?" said Roger, standing against a corner, flipping a coin and taking occasional puffs from a tobacco pipe. Francine was busy washing dishes, but she turned her head over to see what Roger was up to.
"Oh, hello Roger!" said Francine. "How would you like to be a dear and help me wash some spoons?"
"Eh gad Frannie, yer gonna make me gag, what would I want to do that for? I'm gonna go see if Steve will pay attention to me!" said Roger. So Roger went upstairs to see Steve. Steve was absent from the room.
"Ohh, this particular fanfic doesn't have Steve in it. Okay, maybe Haylee will play with me!" thought Roger, sneaking into Haylee's room. Haylee was listening to Dubstep music, so Roger thought he would join in.
"I absoloutely adore Dubstep Haylee, it's part of my planets culture. Doooooooo, jibbadabadow, jooooooooooooo, dibbadabadow!" said Roger, walking back and forth, back to back, over and over, sticking his neck out slowly and then retracting it.
"Go bug Dad again and tell him that Republicans are almost extinct" said Hayle.
"Oh, okay. I'll go tell him!" said Roger, trip tropping like a penguin into the living room. Stan was still immersed in the drama of The Godfather: Italian Food Edition.
"Haylee said for me to bug you again, oh, and Republicans are almost extinct" said Roger.
"WHAT?" yelled Stan.
"R-e-p-u-b-l-I-c-a-n-s! Republicans" said Roger grinning deviously.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE REPUBLICANS?" yelled Stan.
"I dunno. Maybe they're all on vacation in Palm Springs or something. Wanna go there with me?" said Roger. Stan began to question his priorities.
"Republicans Staneul. Republicans!" said Roger.
"NO. I won't. The best thing I can do to help the Republicans is watch this incredible drama!" said Stan.
"Oh, so that's why you never see any of them protesting anything gotcha, you're such a hard worker, the Boss says you're fired. Say Stan, how about you and I spend the entire day together? Eh? Eh? How bout I put the living room on lockdown and bar up all the archways with wood and nails?" suggested Roger. Stan's eyes widened.
"Hehaha, that's a great idea Roger!" said Stan laughing.
"Really? It is? But..I thought of it!" said Roger.
"Exactly. And that's why you're OUTTA HERE!" said Stan, picking up Roger and tossing him out into the kitchen. He landed smack dab in Francine's face, sending her to the floor. Francine, only slightly injured, looked up to see Roger above her.
"You decided to come back to me didn't you?" said Roger. Francine giggled. Stan rushed into the kitchen with his gun. He fired his gun at the toaster like he usually did.
"What is going on in here? Roger, get away from my beautiful trashy wife" said Stan.
"But I likes yer wife Stan-O. Don't call her beautiful. I likes her. My whole goal in life is to get you two divorced so I can have her all to myself" said Roger. Stan groaned.
"It is not. You just say things for effect" said Stan.
"You're right. I didn't mean any of that. But it's over this time Stan!" said Roger, picking up a knife and throwing it towards Stan. Stan dodged the attack.
"Hahaha, you missed me you little demon" said Stan.
"Yeah. Guess I did, bitch. But if I can't have Frannie, then I'm gonna have to have you instead. Just you and me together Stan. The whole day through" said Roger.
"Well, I suppose I can just call up Bullock and tell him to administer my robot clone for all the tough jobs I had to do today. And then we can maybe...do what now? Shuffleboard? Pick up sticks? Frogger?" asked Stan.
"Pick up sticks, my god Stan, what are you thinking?" said Roger.
"I don't know. What was I thinking?" said Stan.
"You really need to get outside more and see how twisted everyone is these days!" said Roger.
ONE MINUTE LATER...
All entryways to the living room were blocked off with giant walls of cement. Roger had trapped Stan.
"Roger, this is unconstitutional!" said Stan.
"No, Stan, this is very constitutional, I just added a new amendment. It's called the Right to be Trapped in a Room with a Little Grey Alien for hours on end" replied Roger.
"ROGER, our rights are 'unalienable', that was put in there specifically to guard ourselves against tyrannical aliens, note the word 'alien' in unalienable!" said Stan.
"Well Stan, I've had a lot of people violate my constitution..so I know what it feels like. Now you're gonna feel my same pain" said Roger.
"You're gonna give me an anal probe?" asked Stan.
"No. That shit is a myth, bitch. I'm gonna give you a Christmas present I had been saving for a rainy day" said Roger.
"But it isn't Christmas. I would know cuz I'm not out praising Jesus while punching people for saying 'Happy Holidays'" said Stan. Roger suddenly donned a Santa Claus outfit.
"Jingle jingle jingle, I am Old Kris Khringle!" said Roger.
"Don't...do that. Please don't do that" said Stan.
"And voila! Your present has arrived" said Roger handing Stan a wrapped up gift with a red bow on top.
"Roger, this is beautiful" said Stan.
"Yeah, cuz..cuz I thought of it" said Roger. Stan tore open the packaging.
"OH MY GOD...this is just what I've always wanted. A coffee mug with Sarah Palin standing over a dead bloody moose" said Stan.
"Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Lara Croft has nothing on her huh? You owe me twenty bucks" said Roger.
"Huh? Is that some sort of joke?" asked Stan.
"Hmm...No!" replied Roger.
"I'm not going to give any of my hard earned money to a lazy alien. That would be communism!" said Stan.
"Ho ho ho, merry Christmas ya big jerk. Don't worry Stan. Psst, guess what? I, like many women, absoloutely adore big jerks. Why don't you slap my ass?" said Roger.
"No, Roger. I don't think I'll be doing that. I'd rather just keep watching this incredible drama" said Stan.
"That in no way was intended to be sexist, bitch" said Roger.
"SHUT UP ROGER! I'm watching this amazing drama" said Stan.
"You're in an awfully weird mood today Stan. You're acting like those 'lazy liberal youth' you're always complaining about. Next you're gonna break out the video games" said Roger.
"VIDEO GAMES! YES! BEATMAN TIME, fuck the drama stuff!" said Stan. Roger was eating popcorn.
"Beatman? Really? What about Call of Duty? Or Halo? Or Crash Bandicoot's sister fighting cloned Richard Nixon zombies in a remote wasteland? I made that last part up by the way. For effect! Did you know I once had a pet gerbil that had this really weird crush on Coco Bandicoot? It was really annoying" said Roger.
"Yes. I can imagine that. NOW, time for Beatman. You'll love Beatman, I got it off the Pii Shopping network and it's this little beat that has to take down an evil farmer" said Stan.
"Oh really? Sounds like some kind of Soviet propaganda or something. Did you know a Russian company made that game? I think there were even some people on the message boards who theorized it was making private property owners into cruel angry tax dodging monsters" replied Roger. Stan looked angry.
"You can go now Roger. Go away. Sulk. Cry. While I beat it!" said Stan.
"Beat what?" asked Roger looking disturbed.
"BEATMAN you sick moron!" said Stan putting on the game. Roger sighed. Stan laughed with glee while playing Beatman.
"You have fun doing that Stan. I'm gonna go hit on your wife" said Roger.
"You do that!" said Stan laughing uproariously. Roger bumped his head against the hard cement.
"OUCH, I hit my head!" said Roger. Stan laughed louder and louder.
Many hours later...
"I FINALLY DID IT! Yeah, the ultimate highest score possible! Thanks for clutching that magic rock and doing rain dances Roger, that helped me beat the game for sure" said Stan.
"You know what else helped you beat the game?" asked Roger.
"No. What?" asked Stan.
"Your magical mug. I'm gonna take a photo of it. Of you as well. You and the mug both. I'll call it a 'mugshot', get it?" asked Roger. Stan looked bamboozled.
"Uh, no I don't really get it, you have a way of making me feel belligerent" said Stan.
"You're pissed off again already? Let's play a different game let's play FIFA world soccer or some shit" said Roger, drinking beer.
"No...let's watch..The Hunt for Blue November!" said Stan in a dramatic voice.
"What's that?" asked Roger.
"The unreleased sequel to the Hunt for Red October, it's about aliens hunting for a Venesian satellite that went missing" said Stan.
"If it's unreleased then how'd you get it?" asked Roger.
"Jeff found a pirated copy online...he can't pay for anything" said Stan.
"Ahh, I gotcha. Okay. Let's see that!" said Roger.
Hours later...
"THIS IS TERRIBLE!" yelled Roger. Stan was asleep.
"What?" asked Stan.
"THIS IS AWFUL! I hate this freaking movie" said Roger. Let's play hop skotch on the floor! Let's build a sand castle!" said Roger.
"Let's invite Bullock over here" said Stan.
"The director of the CIA? For realizes? COOL!" said Roger. So they called Bullock. Oddly enough, he came over.
"Hey Bullock what's up? Time to get plastered and then try to dance our socks off to some Roxette albums huh?" said Roger.
"Why can't I use the restroom? Why are all the archways and doors sealed off from entry?" asked Bullock.
"Because that's where all the undesireables are! The boring people that don't share Stan's family values" said Roger.
"Oh, I see. Very well then" said Bullock, running outside.
"Wow, I guess he was in a bad mood! Say Stan, I'm gonna pour myself some coffee, do you want some?" asked Roger.
"Huh?" asked Stan.
"C-O-F-F-E-E spells COFFEE. COFFEE! Yay, I'm Pinkie Pie I love coffee that sort of thing, want some?" asked Roger.
"NO!" yelled Stan.
"Let's watch My Little Pony Friendship is Tragic, it's the all new emo my little pony" said Roger.
"I'm going to sleep is what I'm gonna do" said Stan yawning.
"NOOOO, at least let me read you a bedtime story!" said Roger.
"Does it have a monkey named Bonzo in it?" asked Stan, suddenly looking fully awakened.
"No," said Roger.
"Oh...well, if it has nothing to do with politics or Ronald Reagan I say to hell with it...though I might listen I guess...as I...drift...to sleep" said Stan.
A BEDTIME STORY:
Roger: Now before I begin, let me just start by saying that this story in no way resembles any actual things that ever happened. Or even things that sorta almost happened. This story doesn't resemble any of those things because it's ORIGINAL!
God damn it you people are all copy cats! Get a collar for yourselves you stray copy cats! Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Roger: NOW! To begin the story.
This story is about an alien named Roger. He was a male stripper. I ain't talkin' about no adult webcam sites or IMVU or some dumbass adult game. He was a real freaking stripper. Rare nowadays. He was very happy because his body was appreciated..and not just by furries and technosexuals. He made all the covers of all the magazines...and there weren't many during those times. Roger was very popular. In fact, when he died, his body was taken to the Roswell museum and put on display for all to see. From that day onward, everyone left tips for Dead Roger and didn't feel weird about it at all. Stan is asleep. Oh well.
Francine: LET ME AND HAYLEE INTO OUR OWN LIVING ROOM!
Roger: Sorry Franny was just in the process of telling a story. But I couldn't think of a good one at all.
Francine: Yes, I know. I heard it. It sucked donkey dick. Now let us in here!
Roger: NEVER! This room is me and Stan's man cave FOREVERRRR!
Francine and Jeff and Haylee used electric saws and tools to break through.
Roger: um...yeah...well..WELCOME TO THE PARTY! Let's rave!
So Roger put on some rave music, and he and Francine and Haylee and Jeff all got down to it...while Stan slept the entire time.
To Be Continued...
Roger: NO NO NO. TheCrazyPerson44 is such a lazy ass bitch!
This story needs to continue NOW! In the proper manner!
Me: You're right Roger.
The End
Roger: WHAAAAAAT? No...wake Stan up or something.
Just then a UFO showed up above the Smith Home. It beamed up everybody.
"At last," said a voice. "You..the Smith family, except for Steve, have all learned how to live the way that us aliens want you to live. Like lazy dancing fun loving zombie fish!" said the voice.
"Where are we?" asked Francine.
"We're on a spaceship. These are my people!" said Roger. Just then, millions of aliens appeared out of thin air that looked exactly like Roger. They were all of Roger's personas.
"Yep. It's good to see the human race has finally learned to live the way I do! Now we can all get along!" said Roger.
THE END