Night Creatures
I never thought I'd be writing Spock/McCoy…. And what do you call this pairing? Spones? Scoy? McPock?
Stardate 7435. Acting Captain Montgomery Scott. Captain Jim Kirk, First Officer Spock, and Doctor McCoy beamed down to Nova Montana on a little camping trip. After the Imbroglious incident, the good Doctor insisted they needed some time off, and the Captain decided that a week spent in the outdoors was just the thing.
I wouldna call hunting and gathering your own wood and water 'rest,' but that's what they're up to.
I wonder how long it'll take before they drive each other crazy...
Uh, computerr, please delete that last line.
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"You're not cooking turnips again, are you?"
"A superfluous question, since those are obviously turnips boiling in the pan. They shall be tender by noon, at which time I shall proceed to -"
"Don't tell me you're making soup again."
"- cook a pot of soup."
"Damn it, Spock, don't you know other recipes?"
"I know plenty of recipes, Doctor. I cannot, however, conjure up a wider variety of vegetables out of the local soil."
"Well, I've got the solution to that. Let's have Scotty beam us a few-"
"Absolutely not," Spock said firmly. "We are supposed to be –what was the expression the Captain used? Roughing it up?"
"Oh, please. Roughing it up would be having a blanket each and a couple of pieces of flint to start a fire with. Instead, we have three tents, cots, purified water -"
"Please, Doctor; spare me the detailed description of our provisions. I prepared the list myself."
"And didn't it occur to you to add a few reconstituted steaks or a few tomatoes, or -"
"It did. But the Captain said -"
"OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, YOU TWO!"
Both Spock and McCoy turned. Jim Kirk was standing by the open flap of his tent. He looked tired, disheveled, and supremely pissed off.
"CAN'T YOU KEEP IT DOWN, FOR ONCE?"
"Sorry, Jim."
"I am sorry, Captain."
"YOU'VE BEEN FIGHTING LIKE THIS EVERY-SINGLE-DAY SINCE WE CAME!"
"I am sorry, Captain."
"Sorry, Jim."
And the two of them looked so apologetic, Jim couldn't stay mad at them for long. He made a vague gesture with his hand, then stumbled into a woodsy area so he could, er, answer nature's call.
He came back a while later, picked a bucket of water and unceremoniously dunked his head in it. He didn't bother to dry himself.
"I had a terrible night," he muttered. "Couldn't sleep. That rabbit stew you cooked last night did all kinds of hell in my gut -"
"Well, you did have three helpings of it," McCoy said.
"- and then there was this banging noise that kept me from getting any sleep."
"Banging noise, captain?"
"Yeah." Jim yawned noisily. "It must have been one of those woodpecker-like birds you were talking about, Spock."
"Those birds are not night creatures, Captain. You must have heard something else."
"Yeah? Well, it sounded like a woodpecker, only not as fast, I guess. Didn't you hear it?"
"Well, Captain; I must say I -"
"I didn't hear anything," McCoy said.
"Are you sure?"
"You mean apart from your snoring?"
"My snoring?" Kirk frowned. "I don't snore."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "I roomed with you at the Academy, Jim. Trust me; I know your snores."
Jim scratched the back of his head. "Well, shit, I don't even remember falling asleep at all."
"People never do," McCoy said dismissively. "I bet you only dreamed you heard a noise." He glanced at Spock. "Unless it was you, performing some sort of Vulcan nighttime ritual."
Spock considered this. "No, Doctor."
Kirk frowned. Spock sure took too long to answer simple questions, sometimes.
"Anyway," Jim said, sitting on a nearby rock. "I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?"
"Well, Captain -"
"I'm not having turnips, Mr. Spock."
"I was going to suggest oatmeal, Captain. We brought a sac from the ship."
"Uh. Ok." But he didn't look too enthusiastic.
"You could have more of my rabbit stew," McCoy said evilly. "You're entitled; you trapped it yourself."
Kirk burped at that moment. He just glared at McCoy.
"You know," McCoy said, "You're really finicky for a guy who roasted us a boar without taking its guts out first."
"I said I was sorry," Jim muttered. He leant back and watched his officers work at the area they'd selected for cooking. He couldn't see what they were doing, but their conversation was loud enough for him to hear.
"You're putting too much water," McCoy said.
"I am putting the necessary amount, Doctor. I do not interfere with your cooking –kindly refrain from interfering with mine."
"You're watering down the oats," McCoy insisted. "Here, let me do it -"
"Absolutely not, Doctor. I am going to partake from it too."
"Spock, I've been cooking oats for years -"
"Then this is a chance for you to learn how to do it properly."
"Ha, I'd like to see that happening -"
Jim shook his head.
"Hey," he called out. When Spock and McCoy turned, he said, "Has anyone told you you two fight like an old-married couple?"
Spock turned to McCoy.
"I told you he was going to find out."
"He didn't find out!" McCoy retorted. "But now you've practically told him! For crying out loud, can't you keep that big Vulcan mouth shut?"
Spock raised an eyebrow. "I thought you liked my Vulcan mouth just the way it is."
"Well, yeah, I do," McCoy muttered, momentarily forgetting his anger. "But that's not the issue, here!"
They'd forgotten about Jim, who was staring incredulously at them.
"Uh, gentlemen?"
Spock and McCoy looked back. Spock calmly waited for Jim to speak further, but McCoy was definitely looking apprehensive.
"Listen, Jim -" he started.
"I think I'm still asleep," Jim said uncertainly. "And I'm having the weirdest dream ever."
"Uh, no, Jim," McCoy said uncomfortably. "You're not dreaming. The truth is, Spock and I, er -"
"No."
"Yes, Jim."
"No way," Jim said. He looked at McCoy and then at Spock. He looked at them as if he were hoping one of them would yell 'GOTCHA!' thus turning the whole conversation into a big joke.
But all Spock and McCoy did was stand close together and look at him.
"Oh, shit." Jim said. "I don't wanna hear this."
Spock raised his eyebrows.
"Is there something wrong, Captain?"
"You bet there is!" Jim blurted out. "You two can't -" He waved at them. "I mean, you're not -"
McCoy took a step in Jim's direction. "Listen, Jim. I know we should have told you a long time ago. But you know how fast gossip spreads in The Enterprise. I don't mind, but 'Green-ears' here doesn't like people talking about him."
"I certainly don't," Spock said with dignity.
"I mean," McCoy continued, "I'm sorry if our relationship disgusts you, but it is what it is."
"Oh, geeze," Jim said uncomfortably. "It doesn't disgust me, Bones. You're my friends. It's just… This is like walking in on your parents while they're having -" he couldn't quite bring himself to say the word. "-you know what. I never dreamed you two would… I mean, you're always bickering. Was that a front all along?"
"Not at all," Spock said casually. "Dr. McCoy can be quite insufferable at times."
"Yeah, right," McCoy muttered under his breath, "You're not exactly light and breezy yourself, you, pointy-eared goblin."
"That's my point," Jim said, "How can you two be together when you can't stand to be together?"
"Well, Captain," Spock said, "I could start by pointing out certain instances in basic chemistry that illustrate the parallels -"
"Please, Spock," Jim cut in. "I'm still groggy from lack of sleep –spare me the chemistry lesson."
"It's perfectly simple, Jim," McCoy said. "You see, we drive each other crazy."
"You drive each other crazy," Jim repeated, still not getting the point.
"And it's great!" McCoy said with sudden enthusiasm, "Really, Jim; this is the best relationship I've ever been! I can be myself all the time! I can be as sarcastic as I like and he doesn't bat an eye. No, 'honey, how can you be so cruel?', no 'honey, you don't mean that, do you?' He just listens, raises an eyebrow, and then gives me one of those golden retorts of his! He gives as good as he gets, and I love it!"
He eyed Spock fondly. "No, 'let's discuss where this relationship is going' talk; no 'let's talk about our feelings,' talk! I mean, we're together, and that's it. There's no need to discuss it to death."
"Wow," Jim said. That sounded appealing, quite frankly... But these were McCoy and Spock. He still couldn't see it. "I guess it works for you," he said cautiously. "You must see something in Mr. Spock -"
"Oh, he's great," McCoy said.
"Well. Good for you," Jim said mechanically. "What about you, Spock? Are you happy with this, uh, arrangement?"
"I am extremely satisfied with it, Captain," Spock said matter-of-factly. "The Doctor is well-read, witty, and generous."
"I guess he's charming when he wants to," Jim muttered.
"Plus, he has taught me all about the joys of sodomy."
"SPOCK!" Jim sputtered, "Spare me the details, please!"
"Is there something wrong?" Spock asked in confusion.
"Nah," McCoy said. "Jim's being a hypocrite, that's all." He eyed the Captain. "Really, Jim; you, of all people, shouldn't be acting like a prude."
"I'm not a prude!" Jim said defensively. "I just don't want you putting any images in my head. I don't wanna know what you two guys do, or -" He stopped in mid-sentence. "Wait a second," he said, a new thought dawning on him. "That wasn't a woodpecker I heard last night, was it? That was you!"
Spock and McCoy merely smiled.
The End
'Light and breezy' is part of a line in 'It's too late' by Carole King.