This has got to be one of the most ridiculous pieces I ever thought of doing...
And this is the first time I wrote a story using my Palm smart phone (which acted more like a computer than a phone). I admit; it really does feel weird. But at least, I don't have to plead the clock to go faster so that I can go home and start writing.
Disclaimer: All the characters are owned by Masashi Kishimoto. Well, maybe all except for one...
Deidara is walking along the aisle with shelves lined with beauty products in Konoha's supermarket, his visible cobalt blue eye narrowed in concentration as it flitted from shelf to shelf. Why he did not just clip his bangs away from his other eye no one really knows, but it is pretty easy to see that he would do better using both of his eyes to search whatever it is he is looking for.
People are staring at him in amusement, confusion or fear. Amusement since he really did look ridiculous walking up and down the very same aisle for almost thirty minutes straight. Confusion since his long blond hair really did make him look like a girl despite the fact that his way of talking is more convincingly a man's rather than a girl's. (The fact that he cursed or ranted in some way every two minutes in exasperation just cannot be overlooked; no girl would be able to do that and not feel guilty.) Fear due to his extremely conspicuous outfit of that black robe embroidered with crimson clouds all around it. And again amusement since he left his robe open due to the warm weather and that any person who saw him would not be able to help feeling amused over the light blue midriff shirt and fishnet undershirt that he wore under his robe.
The former Iwa-nin was just about to give it up and simply blow the place down when he found the Holy Grail. There it was, standing in a shelf all alone, with some golden light shining behind it for emphasis, Deidara's favorite shampoo.
He had been hunting for it for days at end, and he had blackmailed not less than ten people before he found one who managed to inform him that the last stock is in Konoha village. Well, not actually the last stock; only one last bottle is left. And that very bottle stood on that shelf. Deidara cried out for joy and ran as quickly as he can so that he could buy the bottle and caress it on the way back to the Akatsuki hideout.
Problem is, the very instant that he held out his arm to grab the bottle, a hand had snatched it away from his reach. And that cursed hand with that despicable shade of purple on its fingernails belonged to no one other than his mortal enemy: that damned weasel Uchiha Itachi.
Deidara hated absolutely everything about the Uchiha, from his ugly vermillion eyes that led to his recruitment into the Akatsuki in the first place to his blank, smug expression that managed to irritate him every time he bothered to look at him, to his long smooth black hair that rivaled his own golden blond locks. Now, he loathed him even more now that he took away the one thing that he had put most of his effort in finding.
Trying for once to be as civil as he possibly could in front of the Sharingan wielder, Deidara forced all his facial muscles into a smile. They are in an extremely public place in a ninja village after all. Should they dare create a single sign of chaos, they could be sure that at least a young genin is on his way to inform the Fifth Hokage of their presence in the village, which would surely lead to more chaos as they would try to either capture or kill them.
"Excuse me, Itachi-san," Deidara said as politely as one could possibly be to someone he loathes so much. "Do you mind giving me that bottle, un?"
Itachi looked at him blankly with his seldom onyx eyes (mind, his Sharingan is rarely deactivated), twirling the bottle lazily in his hand. "Why should I do that?" he asked tonelessly.
It took all of Deidara's self-control not to just blow his adversary up and get it done with. "Because I ran out of my favorite shampoo, and I desperately need to buy that bottle now or I'll never be able to wash my hair tomorrow, un."
"Too bad," the Uchiha smirked, making nearby fan girls (or the more biased yet more appropriate term, stalkers) faint. Despite the bloody history of the clan, they're still famous for their drop-dead gorgeous looks. "I just ran out, too. Never occurred to me we're using exactly the same brand."
"But… but…" Deidara spluttered. His visible eye teared up, making him look chibi and the remaining conscious stalkers around them squeal in delight. "But I need to buy that bottle now!" he snearly screamed in desperation. "I've been spending days tracking that bottle down, un!"
"In that case, I still deserve the bottle more," Itachi drawled, shaking his bangs a bit to frame his face perfectly. "I spent months tracking all the stocks of this shampoo around the world."
At this point, Deidara lost his patience and pounced on the raven who didn't expect the attack. They wrestled for about five minutes (with fan girls surrounding them betting on the winner) when they were interrupted by a voice.
"OI!" it said.
The two youngest members of the Akatsuki straightened up. Then they saw to whom the voice belonged.
It was a boy in his late teens, a bit younger than Deidara yet taller. He had long, silky chocolate brown hair falling nearly to his waist that he tied in a very low ponytail. His stern, pupil-less pale blue-gray eyes are a dead giveaway that he is no other than Hyuuga Neji.
"The Uchiha clan murderer, Itachi Uchiha… And the terrorist bomber of Iwa, Deidara," Neji drawled, as even more fan girls came to watch them (Tenten included). "I'm afraid I'll have to report you two to the Hokage, even if you are just innocently wrestling inside the supermarket."
Itachi's eyes turned red, while Deidara's hand slid slowly into one of the bags attached to his waist.
"I think that reporting to Tsunade-sama is hardly necessary," Itachi said, raising his hands to form a seal.
"Yeah, we'll be gone before you even get out of here, un," Deidara said, taking his hand out of the bag.
"I agree," the Hyuuga answered smugly. That stunned the two Akatsuki.
"I'd let you go scot-free, if you hand over that shampoo bottle to me."
"…"
"…"
"Well?"
"NO!"
That statement of Neji's was, well, for lack of a better phrase, a declaration of war.
Five minutes later, two girls walked to the fight scene. One seemed disturbingly like Deidara's reflection, while the other looked painfully conspicuous with her mane of bubblegum pink hair. And because of their appearance, the three bishounen actually stopped wrestling and stared at the two. And then…
"That girl looks exactly like you, Deidara," Itachi snickered.
"You Konoha ninja have no originality," Deidara growled. "My hairstyle used to be like that before I joined the Akatsuki, yeah," he added, jerking a finger at Neji.
Ino looked shocked. "Excuse me? It's you who doesn't have any originality!" she yelled at Deidara, outraged at his comment of Konoha shinobi lacking novelty.
"Bitch, please…" Deidara said. "I came up with this hairstyle even before you did, un!"
"No, you did not!"
While the two blonds were screaming at each other, Sakura proceeded to insult her crush's older brother.
"You!" she shrieked, pointing a finger at Itachi. "You're the reason Sasuke-kun went to Orochimaru!"
For one moment, Itachi was stunned. "You mean to tell me," he asked unnervingly calmly, "that my little brother went to that gay snake pedophile in order to defeat me?"
"Yes!" Sakura yelled. "And it is your entire fault!"
"My fault?" Itachi repeated, merely raising an eyebrow while he really is outraged in the inside. "My fault? It's his idiocy that got him to Orochimaru in the first place! He wasn't supposed to leave the village!"
Well, because I'm getting lazy, let's just say all of them tore the other's hair up, as Deidara somehow managed to accuse Sakura of killing Sasori while Ino somehow got into a fight with Neji when she found out that he was about to buy the bottle of shampoo that she wanted.
Ten minutes later, again the fight was interrupted briefly by another hopeful wanting to buy the bottle of shampoo in question. And this is no ordinary buyer. He is terribly pale, with long jet black hair and distressingly no fashion taste as he wore a thick purple rope as a belt on a white tunic.
Well, since everyone knows that it's Orochimaru, the chaos didn't diminish, rather it increased.
"YOU!" Sakura and Itachi screamed. Then they tackled the gay snake to the ground without giving him time to explain.
Five minutes later, the fight was again cut short by another newcomer. He seemed to have as no fashion taste as Orochimaru since he wore exactly the same hideous purple rope as a belt. Everyone stared at the boy who looked like Itachi, except that this one had inky hair styled like a chicken's butt and had no lines underneath his eyes.
"There are more of you, un?" Deidara moaned.
"You idiot," Itachi groaned, slapping his own forehead, frustrated at his younger brother's appearance. "Did that snake take away your sense of fashion, too?"
"SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura, Ino, Orochimaru and the fan girls present squealed.
"YOU!" Sasuke roared at his older brother, pointing threateningly at him. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Good grief," Neji muttered. "This fight's never gonna end, is it?"
Well, you know what happened.
Ten minutes later, another member of the Akatsuki came along the Aisle of Pandemonium. Kakuzu watched amusedly at the fighting people. He cleared his throat to announce his presence.
Everyone actually stopped to glare at him.
"Kakuzu," Itachi muttered.
"What the heck are you doing here, hmm?" Deidara asked, raising an eyebrow.
"YOU HELPED THAT ALBINO KILL MY SENSEI!" Ino accused loudly.
"I registered some chaos here in Konoha. Should've known it's your fault," the Taki-nin chuckled, ignoring whatever the female blond said.
"IT'S NOT!" the younger Akatsuki members yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kakuzu said. "What seems to be the problem, anyway?" he asked the others.
"We happened to use the same shampoo," Neji said.
"And there's only one bottle left," Sakura added.
"And we're not exactly about to let the bottle go to someone else, since it's practically the last in the whole ninja world," Orochimaru said.
Kakuzu ignored the snake pedo and asked Sasuke, "And you, Mini-Itachi… What are you doing here?"
"I have to kill Itachi," the younger Uchiha answered. The Taki-nin looked incredulously at Itachi, who merely shrugged.
"Anyway, lucky for you, I have a solution to your problem," Kakuzu said.
"What?" everyone asked simultaneously.
"An auction!" Kakuzu said enthusiastically, eyes glistening with glee.
They all looked at each other. Then with identical evil grins on their faces they proceeded to beat up the mercenary.
Ten minutes later, a rather shy-looking girl came along the aisle. Her long hair had a rather peculiar color, being a beautiful shade of purple darkened with black. Her pupil-less lavender eyes widened in astonishment when she saw the chaos ensuing in the hall. It surprised her more that her usually-stoic cousin Neji was included in the brawl.
Yep, I'm talking about the Hyuuga heiress, people: Hyuuga Hinata.
"Neji-nii-san," she said softly. "What are you doing?"
"Fighting for a bottle of shampoo," the older Hyuuga grunted.
"Which one?" Hinata asked, glancing around.
Everyone pointed at the bottle standing alone in its shelf. Then for some unknown reason, they all looked back at Hinata.
The heiress's eyes were glinting with a kind of passion no one ever dreamed of associating the bashful girl with.
"MY PRECIOUS!" she screeched suddenly, grabbing the bottle, holding it close to her body possessively, and glaring at the others whose eyes also burned with fury.
Need I tell you what happened?
A girl of about sixteen years of age was just passing Konoha's supermarket when she heard a crash inside. Scowling and shaking her mane of bluish black hair in frustration, she went inside to find out whatever the noise was all about. In her opinion, village patrol is about the most boring and suckish of all missions.
When she walked to the aisle lined with hair products, she merely stared. There are the best shinobi Konoha ever had and the most notorious villains in the world of ninjas, bodies all tangled up as they attempted to wrestle, punch, slap, bite or tear another person's hair up. She found the sight pathetically humorous, no matter how stoic she is.
The girl sighed, accepting that she would have to resort to no other method to at least get their attention. She took a deep breath, and vocalized an earsplitting note two octaves higher than middle C.
Everyone in the vicinity in a twenty meter radius stopped and covered their ears in an attempt to block out the noise. Some less careful people around have at least one of their ears bleeding.
Deidara, the first to recover due to his experience of being too near his explosions, scowled at the girl who stared at him with luminous yellow eyes as blankly as an Uchiha would.
"What the heck did you almost deafen everyone for, un?" he snarled.
"To get your attention. You were causing too much noise for me to be heard even if I screamed," she replied tonelessly.
Itachi rubbed his ears vigorously. It has been a long time since he heard that kind of sound. (Well, he's not exactly strutting around the village whenever he liked.) "That damned clan Shisatsu's kekkai genkai..." he muttered.
The girl turned her unusual eyes on the Uchiha and smirked. "Missing my older sister, Itachi-senpai?" she asked, eyebrows raised suggestively.
The older Uchiha turned red for about the first time of his life.
"Oh well, not my fault you're missing her. I'm not the one who killed her," the girl said dismissively, rolling her eyes as if her sister's ex-boyfriend didn't brutally kill her along with the infamous Uchiha clan.
Itachi glared at her with his Sharingan blazing. She returned the look, her eyes glowing eeriely. Then she flicked her eyes to the rest of the crowd, their usually awesome hair now looking like a Shih Tzu that got hit by a twenty-wheeler, rolled over by a roadroller and thrown into a food processor with a poodle that was run over by a monster truck.
Poor dogs.
"Is anyone kind enough to tell me what the hell is going on here?" she asked.
Everyone pointed at the shampoo bottle lying on the floor.
She smacked her face with her palm. She remembered having an encounter like this in the same supermarket during the Chuunin exams the summer she turned fourteen. At that time, Genin of all ages and villages stormed in here to buy a limited set of Kabuto Yakushi's ninja info cards. She, a recently made Chuunin, was sent to calm down the pandemonium along with her friend and fellow Chuunin. It took her a particularly difficult genjutsu that required half her full reserve of chakra to restore order in the location.
Damn Kabuto.
"Are you trying to tell me," she said slowly, picking up the bottle, "that you guys made chaos worthy of another Ninja World War just because there's only one bottle of that shampoo all of you were using was left in this village?"
Everyone nodded slowly, except for Sasuke who was simply staring into nothingness. The girl deduced that he wasn't using the shampoo since his hair stuck up. She stared at everyone around her in disbelief for a full minute before laughing softly at their idiocy.
"Idiots!" she said, chuckling. "A new delivery was just sent to Iwa, and if whatever Kurotsuchi-san told me is right, no one even glanced at the bottles."
Everyone stared at the girl, who had just turned around and walked away. They just stayed dumbfounded for about thirty minutes before Deidara and Itachi realized something simultaneously.
"SHE TOOK THE BOTTLE!" they shouted at the same time, horrified. The rest looked even more puzzled. Then Neji spoke.
"Oh well, there's no use chasing her now," he said, taking a comb out of his pouch to straighten his hair. "That girl usually buys a bottle before leaving for a B-rank or higher."
Ino scoffed, "She always gets the hard ones, and that's why it takes her weeks before she returns to the village."
"So... To Iwa, then?" Orochimaru asked.
Everyone murmured assent, except for Sasuke who glared at his older brother and Deidara who retaliated, "Everyone except pedophiles. Iwa's got a blanket ban on 'em, and you're Wanted Pedo Number One, un."
The bomber's comment earned him a glare from the snake.
While they all fixed themselves and readied for their long journey to the ninja village in the Earth country, the girl from earlier was laughing triumphantly (not to mention, maniacally) in her apartment, holding the shampoo bottle in her hand.
She lied about the shampoo restock in Iwa. They're actually in Kiri.
Done! Yay!
Was it wack or what? I appreciate comments, suggestions on improvement, and even flames, so please review!
P.S. If you tell me I'm being a hypocrite for including an OC, let me clarify that I only hate Mary Sues who pair themselves with characters who'd have to be really out of character to make their relationship as sweet and romantic as possible. I really hate those kinds of OCs; reminds me too much of Twicrap. It's my opinion: Got a problem with that, screw you. I don't know who you are, but you are in no position to judge me for my opinion just because I contradict you. Simple as that.
My OC is not directly involved with any character and therefore does not count as a Mary Sue. What she did to make the others pay attention is exactly what I am going to do in a similar situation, except that I wouldn't bother vocalizing and just use the cute purple whistle my dad gave me in case of emergencies. As for Itachi's girlfriend, she is a real character, though without any appearances in both the manga and anime. And yep, Itachi really killed her along with the clan. A friend of mine told me this once as a joke...
Itachi: Do you feel like you're part of my family?
GF: Of course, I do! :)
Itachi: *kills girlfriend
Get it? I laughed so hard at that time, although deep inside, I pitied both the girl and Itachi. She was killed so that Itachi would suffer the rest of his life alone. Funny how a coup in which you are indirectly or don't want to be involved in could ruin your life...
I might make a fanfic about Itachi and his dead girlfriend during the winter... Any name suggestions for the girl?
Anyway, out of my ranting session and back to being an author. Review! You can PM me if you want to say something private, too.